to expect our closest friends to sponsor my DH?

[Aworryingtrend]

I've namechanged for this as the details might make me recognisable in RL.

DH is running the London Marathon in April to raise money for Tommy's, the baby charity. This is a cause close to our hearts as I had a very early MC last year and we've been TTC since then.

Our close friends (a couple) who we see fortnightly have not once asked how his training is going, or sponsored him. To put this in context they are both extremely well-paid and have 3 holidays planned for this year and eat out twice a week. I say this only because obviously if they had little money i would not expect them to sponsor him.

I may be a bit over-sensitive because last year I helped my friend (female half of couple) with a large project of hers, which took a lot of time on my behalf and did leave me out of pocket. I was happy to do it as that's what friends are for etc but I'm not seeing anything in return. I am so hurt that they have taken so little interest in DH doing this amazing thing and have not even spared a couple of pounds towards it. I think I would be more accepting if they actually said "Look these are the charities we donate to and for this reason we wont be sponsoring DH" but its just the way they are ignoring it thats got to me. the friendship is becomign a bit strained at the moment as a result as i feel it is all take and no give on their part.

AIBU to expect them to sponsor DH?
Would IBU to call them on it?

Your thoughts please.

YANBU to want your friends to be supportive of your DH.

Looking at it from the other side though, I've had to fork out nigh on thirty quid in the last month to mates doing sponsored walks/fights/shits/whatever. It's doing my head in.

Yes, I agree re the general sponsoring thing. I also hate my dc asking for sponsors as

a) people feel obliged to sign up
b) I have worked for charities and seen the money wasted
c) I have to pay all the sodding sponsor money as it never gets collected.

Please don't ask them directly to sponsor you. If they wanted to, then they would have already.

Personally, I think a close friend (especially one for whom you have done lots of favours) ought to sponsor you, in order to be a supportive friend and to show that they care about the friendship and the things which affect you personally. It doesn't have to be a lot of money - just a gesture. If they have a reason for not doing that, then I think it would be nice if they explained, but sometimes people get embarrassed and just don't mention things rather than talk openly about their beliefs.

I think if they are very good friends generally, then I'd let this one slide. If it seems that you are the 'givers' always in the friendship, then I'd pull back from them a bit and not be so readily available to do them favours.

I never 'sponsor' anyone to do anything, in fact I really don't get the whole sponsorship thing - I give an amount I can afford to the charities of my choice, and people running marathons and climbing mountains or whatever doesn't influence what/how in any way. I don't understand why anyone would expect it to, or see any connection between the two things.

It's a personal decision for people whether or not they give to charities, and which ones they choose to support, don't think you have any right to 'expect' them to do anything.

Though maybe there are other problems in your friendship and this is just one symptom?

When I've done sponsored events in the past I've found some people wait til the run/walk whatever has actually been completed before they give any money. Maybe they're just waiting to see if he finishes?

I'm sorry for your loss. I think I would talk to the female of the couple about how important this charity is to you. So many people do sponsorship things every day and I only donate if it is either a cause I personally feel really strongly about, if the thing I am sponsoring is something that my friend has worked really hard to achieve or if I know it means a lot to them. Without wanting to cause offence, before I had kids I thought Tommy's was not a worthwhile charity. I was of the opinion that early babies cost so much to care for and have so little chance of a full healthy existence that I would rather donate to other charities. That advert, the one about 50p giving a premie baby another minute of life - it seemed to me that there were more worthwhile things to be bought, for kids that are already alive and aware of their own existence, in bad situations.

Maybe your friends feel like I once did... I changed my opinion totally when I went to visit my friends' pre-term twin babies and saw the amazing work ICBU does. I don't think I had really realised how perfect and wonderful premie babies are before that.

If you talk to her and are honest - say you feel a little hurt that they haven't sponsored your DH and that you don't want it to be the elephant in the room so anted to be open about your feelings, you may find they either tell you why they won't sponsor him, or that they realise it is important to you.

YABU

You choose what you want to do with your money, they can choose what they want to do with theirs.

I would rather choose what charity to support based on whether I want to support it, not based on whether someone is waving a sponsorship form. (Especially since I get loads of sponsorship requests and most of them seem to be for events that I know the person wanted to do anyway - the charity just seems to be an excuse. Not saying that is the case for your DH of course, clearly it is not.)

If you feel you do them lots of favours and they don't do any back, that's a separate matter and it would be fair enough for you to do less for them. Sponsoring someone is not a "favour" though IMO, it's a financial demand.

my son is running the Brighton Marathon in aid of Cystic Fibrosis, anyone want to sponsor him

in memory of his best friend who died from CF :)

We have a friend who puts at least 4 or 5 FB messages on about her DH ruing the LM every week. We have also received at least two circular emails and we get a group text message regularly. I would sponsor them but I cannot afford it. and TBH, if I could have I would have already. I am now getting fed up with the constant bombardment.

YABU. Your husband is incredible forr unning the marathon and I really admire him.

However, too much sponsorship bombardment makes me feel emotionally blackmailed sometimes. I know your friends aren't skint but you may be the 85th request for sponsorship they've had that month.

There are so many good causes clamouring loudly for money people just have to start saying no to stuff. I sometimes feel people are trying to make me feel bad about myself for not GIVING more to charity sponsorship etc but believe me, we just can't and if we had spare we would have to be selective or you'd just end up handing your whole salary over to please everyone who wants you to support their cause!

For all you know, your friends might give 10% of their monthly income to a charity. or they might not. In any case, charity giving is not obligatory, but an option.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss, but I think YABU. My DH runs - he loves it - does loads of races but NEVER askes for sponsorship. Many of the races are organised by charities and a proportion of the entry fee goes to them, so he is donating in a way. We believe in tithing - so we give about 10% of our income to a number of carefully chosen charities. By giving regularly through the year, we can be more tax efficient and it helps the charities. I also do a huge amount of voluntary work and have been a charity trustee, so I would be really narked if I got constant hassle over this. To be honest, we fell out with one of DH's friends over this issue. He was doing a sponsored cycle ride and just kept badgering all the time - it got ridicolous. I have no problem with him wanting to cycle to the moon, but why ask everyone else to pay for it?

Charitable giving is a very personal thing and your comments about their holidays and eating out just make you sound jealous. Maybe they are fortunate enough to be able to give and still have enough income to do this? It really isn't any of your business though.

Do you fundraise/do voluntary work for Tommy's in other ways? Maybe if your friend could see you doing that, they might be more interested? Does the charity have a local branch? Perhaps your friend would like to attend something like an event with you? Many charities these days organise concerts, fashion shows, champagne receptions, coffee mornings and so on - if your friend can see you putting in time and commitment in this way she may begin to understand your level of commitment. At the moment, it just sounds like your DH wants money for what is, bluntly, his choice to run.

It would be very rude of you to ask them directly after emailing twice and dropping massive hints when you invited them over. Don't do it.

He should run the London marathon because he wants to run the London marathon. If he wants to give money to charity no-one is stopping him. Trying to force friends to show an interest in a sport they have no interest in and make them give money to a charity of your choice rather than theirs is not a very friendly gesture in my opinion.
I prefer to give to non kid related charities like Alzheimers etc as they get far less publicity than the kid ones.
I run for a hobby and my nonrunning friends show no interest in my training, why should they? It's my hobby, I don't ask them about their hobbies.

appreciate is poignant cause for you,but cant compel them to sponsor, and it may be one of those things that puts strain on the friendship

YABU. People can't be bothered, they get compassion fatigue, they already do their own charitable donations, they don't have time, whatever. Its their choice.

I compete regularly in running and so does DP, we spend most of our free time training and while its great that people do charitable events, I often wish they would just do them and get on with them, instead of having to go through all this palaver of sponsorship, being updated on their training, how hard they finding it, etc.. Plus many of the events we enter are for charity anyway, and the entry fees are usually about £20 or £25 a time, so it makes me feel like I am paying for other people to compete and no-one pays for me.

I also don't like supporting big charities because of the money they spend on admin. I prefer supporting small animal charities and the PDSA. This year so far I have had 3 requests for sponsorship and although I've sponsored them all, I don't really like doing it. It makes me feel awkward. I particularly dislike the ones where you pledge money if they are doing it and then have double the hassle of remembering to give or send the money once its completed.

Recently DP's mother walked the Great Wall of China for charity, which sounded great, except that all her children were sent an email telling us they would be expected to sponsor her for at least £100 each. It just seems too much like paying for someone's holiday.

To me, sponsorship is more suitable when you are a child at school. Its become such an industry now. I'd rather see people pledging their own money and just doing the event than the whole sponsorship palaver, but I guess that wouldn't raise big enough amounts and the big charities wouldn't be interested.

I have not even sponsored my own DH and he is running the London Marathon too. So I think YABU a) because you haven't directly asked them (they may be waiting to see how long it will take you after your very obvious hints haven't worked at leaving sponsor form lying around and b) because you expect people to stump up cash.

Have to say I agree yabu. Yes it is close to your heart but it probably isn't for them.

These days I am tight with my cash but generous with my time for charity. Because I don't have much of the former these days and I hate being guilted into sponsoring people.

I also think your friends can spend their money how they choose.

Sorry for your loss and I hope your dh raises lots of money.

Give them a break, the marathon is still weeks away and they may just not have gotten round to it yet, they may also be waiting to see if he completes it! When I did the GNR I received quite a bit of sponsorship after I finished which was fine by me, particularly with online giving which takes the money up front some people like to know you've actually done what you said you're going to do.

Also if you're sending to work addresses group emails will sometimes be blocked by spam filters.

ooh the point about waiting until after it is done is a good one - I got narked the other day when i went to sponsor my sister 25quid for her 5k race for life thingie, and it wanted the money there and then - I thought sponsorship was about pledging an amount and then paying up when they achieve the goal...

congratulations to your husband, very laudable ...but, what right have you got to dicate how these people spend their money. it might be the greatest cause ever but it is their choice to respond.

As a runner I'm not sure I do see it as "very laudable". The London Marathon is the most oversubscribed race in the UK. Several of my friends would love the chance to run there and there is usually a fight in the club for the tickets.
For me it would be far more laudable and selfless for him to give the place in the marathon to someone who really wants to run it and won't expect non-runners to pretend to be interested in their training regime, and give a large donation to Tommy's himself, rather than moan about training for a race he isn't bothered about and expecting others to cough up for the privilage.
I'm not a fan of sponsored events...
If you want to run a marathon run a marathon, if you want to donate to charity then donate to charity.

I don't think you are being unreasonable for wondering why they haven't offered any money or support to your DH, but I do think YABU to be considering whether to "call them up" on it.

I don't like giving money to people who do sponsored events, for the most part. We already have a number of direct debits set up with charities that we feel strongly about, and we "do our part" in a number of ways. Often, I feel resentful of the people I know who ask me to sponsor them or their children to do things they want to do anyway for a charity that isn't close to my heart. I feel pressured and bitter that money we needed, or which could have been better spent, is being conned out of me on the premise that they're doing something 100% selfless and noble.

YABU. I have a blanket ban on sponsoring people running. Why the hell should I legitimise someone's hobby? If you want to run, run, I'm not going to pay you to do it.

(Been hit by two sponsorship requests in the past week so you've hit a nerve ).

Got worried for a minute there that you meant he was only running 3.5km and thought he had left it a bit late!
That's alot of money. My ex was also a runner and he once decided to do a marathon for charity but we hated hassling people and ended up paying most of their donations ourselves. The next marathon he did we didn't bother with the sponsorship. His friends knew he enjoyed running anyway. We still had some people ask "which charity are you doing it for?" which did get annoying as people don't ask golfers or tennis players which charity they are raising money for. The idea you sometimes run a race because you enjoy it and running is your hobby didn't register.