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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

NCT Group problems

94 replies

phonelover · 30/03/2011 21:49

I am so fed up with my NCT group. Our babies are now 1year olds. Over the last year I have been bullied by one of the girls - constantly put down, sarcastic comments, jealous remarks - and she seems to have rallied the troops around her. I do like some of the group and we meet separately, but as a group of 8 it is very difficult. I have left the coffee meets 3 times now in tears and I am so bored of having to pussy-foot around. It seems that whatever I say it is wrong - even if someone else has said the same, eg. why don't we meet next Tuesday instead of Monday - when I say it I get "we can't all change for you", but when someone else said it, this same bullying girl said "what a good idea!".

I have opted out of so many meets now, but can't feel hurt that the other 7 seem to have found best buddies and yet push me out. It's a forced friendship and I am not bothered about whether we keep in touch (they have even talked about going on holiday as a mass group!) and I have lots of wonderful friends and have decided not to be part of a group that makes me so unhappy, but I can't help but wonder why. My friends say it is because this bully is jealous of my good home life and recent marriage and because I am the only one whose babe is not in nursery. But, we have to budget and I can't afford to do all the things that they do - another reason that they have pushed me out perhaps because I can't afford to go to Michelin starred restaurants like they do and go on expensive days out with babies.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 30/03/2011 21:53

haven't had similar but it sounds horrid!

tbh i would talk to the members of the group that you get on with, explain why you dislike meeting, and arrange to see them separately (if you want to) and then just stop going

life is too short to spend time with people like that.

SingingSands · 30/03/2011 21:53

Just leave the group. The only thing you really have in common is that you coincidentally had babies around the same time. This doesn't mean that these woman are your friends.

Some woman find having a baby hard, so form these little cliques that makes them feel like the queen bee. It's like being 13 all over again...

Delete them from your phone so you're not tempted to get in touch and step away, have a day out with your real friends.

Bubbaluv · 30/03/2011 21:55

So sorry to hear that Phonelover. Who knows why bullies do what they do or why the choose who they choose to pick on!?
Anyway, if the rest of the group don't have the backbone to stand up to her then it's time to ditch the lot of them. Natural selection for "friends". They are not fit.
Hugs.

TattyDevine · 30/03/2011 21:56

Yep, life is too short. Branch out if you need "mummy" friends, find them somewhere else. Your lot sound toxic.

ENormaSnob · 30/03/2011 21:57

Leave them to it.

Spend time with your real friends.

Emo76 · 30/03/2011 21:57

Leave them, the miserable cows!

Find some other friends, maybe through baby music/playgroups etc

Don't look back - you deserve better.

NoseyNooNoo · 30/03/2011 21:57

I was in an NCT group. I now only see a couple of them very occassionally. Two of them really dislike me, I couldn't care less. We have different priorities in life and one has really poor social skills - you know the type that talks loudly over everyone else so you can't hear anyone else's conversation? It finally came to a head of their own creation. It was such a relief to not have to pretend to care about their sad little lives frankly.

You really haven't lost anything. As Singing Sands says, all you have in common is you had babies at the same time. Would you have been friends in any other scenario?

FoxtrotMikiLima · 30/03/2011 21:59

Just leave the group. They sound horrid. It's hard when you feel like you're in the minority but it's not school anymore, you CAN choose who you are friends with.

If you are keen to have mum friends but ones who are more supportive and nicer, why not have a look round your local area for mums' social events? In my area, there is a mums' club which runs a whole load of events - from playdates to picnics and supper clubs.

If you're in London, PM me and I can give you details. :)

animula · 30/03/2011 21:59

Is there another group you could join?

Our baby group was a mixture of some of the women from an NCT group, and some women from a baby activity we attended, and some friends-of-friends. One member was a refugee from another NCT group in an adjacent area, fleeing the slightly spooky group she had initially joined.

It snowballed, and also dropped a few members, but ended up cohering into a friendship group.

Also, it's worth bearing in mind that perfectly lovely people can be a bit bonkers in the early years, for lots of hidden reasons that are not about you, and often chill down into nice people, eventually. On the other hand, life is too short to spend it with people who make you feel bad - so maybe time to start seeking out new hunting grounds for friends-who-are-great-to-be-with and life-enhacing, rather than Dementors-with-buggies types.

figcake · 30/03/2011 22:02

I think that NCT groups run their course in pretty much the way you describe. There must be others who do not approve of the bullying. If NCT groups were really all that lovely we would find one on every road - NCT Jan85 babies, NCT July1990 babies etc. It would be bloody awful if they went on forever. I reached my limit after a nearly-new-sale

SarkyLady · 30/03/2011 22:02

bloody hell!

I split from my nct group for far less than this.

I see no pointing in choosing to spend time with people who make you feel like shit. You don't have to you know. :)

omaoma · 30/03/2011 22:12

ach i know how vulnerable and lonely it can feel when baby-group friends seem to turn their backs. it does feel like everyone in the world is 'normal' and 'fun' and somehow you're being left behind.

but really, life's too short, i never got on with the NCT lot anyway! what a load of w*nkers for making you feel like that. leave them to it, try out some new meet-up forums/local playgroups/parks and you'll be amazed that perfeclty lovely people would love to get to know you. I know it's a drag starting all that 'hi who are you' stuff again but so many people are in the same situation, it doesn't take long.

why not schedule some time with non-NCT friends or family over the next months so you're not kicking your heels alone, until you've got your new daytime routine sussed?

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 30/03/2011 22:16

They sound awful; I would drop them like a hot potato. Have you confronted the "bully" woman at all? You've got nothing to lose by answering her back if she's mean to you, and you might find that some of the others do back you up. If they don't then at least you know where you stand with them.

I know the type of person you mean though; I came across a woman like that at a baby group years ago when my eldest DD was a baby. She was very sarcastic, had to be the centre of attention and boasted constantly about her daughter apparently being more advanced than everyone else's. I thought I was the only one annoyed by her and just stopped meeting up with everyone. However after bumping into several other group members out and about, I discovered that everyone felt the same way about her.

griphook · 30/03/2011 22:17

My Nct group spilt into two groups and I think I joined the wrong one. It sounds like there is one person in control and the rest just scurry around after them. Don't worry about them, leave them to it. there are lots of lovely people at the children centres.

hairfullofsnakes · 30/03/2011 22:20

Drop em and forget em! Why do some nct groups behave like such arses?! Forget them and stick to your real friends x

LynetteScavo · 30/03/2011 22:23

Drop them.

It took me years to shake of my NCT group, but it's the best thing I ever did.

LynetteScavo · 30/03/2011 22:24

Although I did meet a very good friend though the NCT, but she wasn't from my ante natal group.

perfumedlife · 30/03/2011 22:39

can anyone explain to me what an NCT group is? Is it a group of women who have joined the nct and had babies at the same time? So they meet up for coffee and support?

Original poster

phonelover · 30/03/2011 22:49

Thanks everyone - you have really cheered me up!

The NCT group, perfumedlife is a group who did antenatal classes together through the NCT. A forced friendship group and most of them I wouldn't choose as my friends I know, it's just that we have shared experiences of having babies at the same time and sharing antenatal sessions. Not a foundation really!

Awhiteelephantintheroom - the person you mention sounds exactly like the one I mentioned! She passes judgement on everyone else's babies saying "isn't he crawling yet", "is he sleeping through", "doesn't he like pasta, mine does, he eats everything". I haven't said anything to the group and just try to look happy when we are together. I did tell the one in the group with whom I will stay in touch as we have a lot in common, and she commented that she wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of the bullying one.

Anyway, I now have the confidence to just leave the group. I'll just ignore the emails and facebook comments and get on with the rest of my life. Thanks guys!

OP posts:

pigletmania · 30/03/2011 22:56

I would leave it tbh, its meant to be enjoyable not stressful, cut your losses and go. Ok this lady is horrid but the others sound no better, very cliquey tbh. I agree the only thing you have in common are that you had babies around the same time and have joined the NCT. Delete them off your FB too, if you havent clicked with any of them you wont now.

KatieMiddleton · 30/03/2011 22:57

Mums and babies always has the potential to be difficult. I have a lovely group of friends from both NCT antenatal classes and NCT volunteering but some I prefer to see with their dc and some are much less neurotic more relaxed without.

Part of the benefit of being a grown-up is you can just say "no thanks" or "it's not for me" to lots of things and a group you're part of because you happen to have babies at the same time in the same area is optional.

Just because you've left the group doesn't mean you can't still see the people you like. Arrange things with the people you do like and let the rest of them get on with it.

SailorVie · 30/03/2011 23:03

I couldn't stand the sight of my NCT group, just because we all had babies within a month of each other doesn't mean that we had to be best buddies. I live in a posh area but I don't have the budget for most of the things they did with their babies. The constant one-upmanship with regards to their status symbols (e.g 'ah...it's so hard to get decent night nannies these days and the like),so I ended up going to fewer and fewer meets and stopped when my little one was about 4 months.

MosEisley · 30/03/2011 23:26

Sorry you have had a bad experience with this group. It is like that sometimes - just the luck of the draw - but I'm amazed you stuck it out for over a year. Life is FAR to short. Go and meet some other folk rather than wasting your time with these.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 30/03/2011 23:36

I actually can't remember anyone from my first NCT group now,but went on to make life long friends in other ways.( it was verrry long time ago)
At the time a weekly focus was helpful but as I became more my old self, I realised that we had nothing in common apart from babes the same age.
Stick with people you like, and it will all come right in the end.

hardhatdonned · 30/03/2011 23:41

And this is why i didn't join an NCT Ante-Natal class :)

You'll make friends at baby groups, pre-school, school gates...move on with your life and stay in touch with those who stay in touch with you outside of the group.

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