NCT Group problems

[phonelover]

I am so fed up with my NCT group. Our babies are now 1year olds. Over the last year I have been bullied by one of the girls - constantly put down, sarcastic comments, jealous remarks - and she seems to have rallied the troops around her. I do like some of the group and we meet separately, but as a group of 8 it is very difficult. I have left the coffee meets 3 times now in tears and I am so bored of having to pussy-foot around. It seems that whatever I say it is wrong - even if someone else has said the same, eg. why don't we meet next Tuesday instead of Monday - when I say it I get "we can't all change for you", but when someone else said it, this same bullying girl said "what a good idea!".

I have opted out of so many meets now, but can't feel hurt that the other 7 seem to have found best buddies and yet push me out. It's a forced friendship and I am not bothered about whether we keep in touch (they have even talked about going on holiday as a mass group!) and I have lots of wonderful friends and have decided not to be part of a group that makes me so unhappy, but I can't help but wonder why. My friends say it is because this bully is jealous of my good home life and recent marriage and because I am the only one whose babe is not in nursery. But, we have to budget and I can't afford to do all the things that they do - another reason that they have pushed me out perhaps because I can't afford to go to Michelin starred restaurants like they do and go on expensive days out with babies.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Sorry am drunk and haven't read whole first 4 pages but I didn't gel with my NCT group at all (but have since made lots of contacts through the NCT so have nothing against them per se).

I tried to be nice and interested when they talked about going out for cake as through it was a dangerous act.

I invited them out for a nice lunch.

I pretended not to notice when the 'blondes' shouldered me out of the way to chat to each other.

When they sent out an email for a one-year meet up I just ignored it because I've made loads of real friends since and if they think I give a fuck about their schoogirl clique and would even consider turning up simply so they could have a good nose then they are sorely mistaken.

I really wanted to give them a rant about how rude and childish they were but I knew it would only make them happy in a strange way so venting here.

This thread has made me smile in recognition a lot. I felt very bad abandoning my nct group after 4 months but we really had nothing in common and it was a bit of a drag going to the meet ups. Looking back I was definitely the poor one without the 'yummy mummy' change bag!

On the flip side I met a lovely bunch of people at pregnancy yoga and we meet up regularly. Definitely no queen bees among us!

The comparison of baby groups to freshers week made me laugh - too true. Only instead of 'what a levels did you do' the questions are 'where did you give birth?' 'Does he sleep through the night?' Etc ad infinitum.

OP you sound lovely- just get out there and be friendly and I'm sure you will make much nicer mummy friends

just makes me glad I didn't join a NCT group. i had my first 'difficult' baby away from family and friends (had friends where I had moved to but none with young children). It was lonely days and only had one contact. Eventually ventured out and made some truly lovely friends through toddler groups etc. Op - life is too short and they sound quite dull TBH. Even if one is truly vile - the others are muppets for putting up with it. Guess that's why I'll never be voted Miss Congeniality!

Phonelover, I didn't mean for you to agonise over your own behaviour - because their behaviour is none of your fault in any way. You've done nothing wrong.

I was (clumsily) just saying that the way you respond to them will have an effect on your mood. Sometimes if you call women 'girls' they think it is a licence to behave like children. If they are spiteful bullies, they will like nothing better than to see you upset.

My DH always says to me 'Don't waste your head time on it!' For me, it makes me more confident to know I haven't wasted time on worrying about people who aren't very important. And this lot are, frankly, scum. Not worth your head time, definitely

Walk away, and do it because you want to do it for yourself - not because those bitches have upset you and driven you away! You will feel a million times better about yourself when you have done it, and you sound so nice and will make loads of new friends.

"I was definitely the poor one without the 'yummy mummy' change bag!"
So true...

So pleased to have found this thread and feel so much better!! I am the only SAHM in our group and I have endured comments like 'So how long are you happy to be a kept woman?' and 'Are you ever going to get a job?' (even though I worked for 12yrs before having my dd!) and other snidey put downs, sideways looks when I say something and multiple put downs if they don't agree. Have no idea why I have soldiered on as long as I have as I obviously don't click with these 'ladies' and don't enjoy their company. For ages I have felt it is my fault and because there is something wrong with me but now that I have become confident in my own parenting decisions, I have decided to finally cut my losses. Life's too short and there are lots of nice people out there who don't get their kicks making other people feel bad!!!

Ditch them....

We originally joined because of the classes which were great, then got roped into coffee mornings etc

I didn't have the best of experiences with my NCT group. On the whole, they were obsessed with expensive prams, holidays, nurseries, prep schools, extensions, etc etc and made me and my hubby feel totally inadequate. Although some of them were lovely, it only takes one or two to ruin the atmosphere.

On the other hand some of my friends have had good experiences. I think it prob depends where you live.

Thank you so very much for this thread, ladies! I can't tell how reassured I feel having read some of these soul-restoring comments. I too am formulating a tactical withdrawal from my boring, confidence-sapping NCT group with its constant (subtle) bitching, competitiveness and game-playing. All they talk about is buying stuff, and as the only group member with no job at the moment, no car, no designer change bag or buggy, and a baby dressed entirely in hand-me-downs, I guess it was never going to work. The resident poor little rich girl Queen Bee scares everyone into submission and the nice ones are just way, WAY too serious and obsessed with the babies' educational development for me.

I need more fun and less angst. Know what I mean?

They're not your friends. You sound much nicer than them and you deserve better! Just keep in touch with any of them you really get on with, but not otherwise.

Don't take comments as competitive if they might not be though. "Is he sleeping through?" is just a question and "he eats everything" is just a statement.

Thank you very much! Interestingly, most of the competitiveness is around themselves, and not their babies - real adolescent stuff like who's the thinnest, who's get the best house, the most emasculated and harangued (sorry, 'supportive') husband etc. The only reason I've hung on in there for months is for my hubby, as the partners initially formed their own (competitive) group and went to the pub and I didn't want him to feel it was awkward if I'd already legged it. Now that's fizzling, I can see a chance for escape - hurrah! There is one absolute gem who I will stay in contact with. Thanks again.

I've sort of had a similar thing. At first everything was great but then there became this divide between those who went back to work and those who didn't. The one's who did would meet up to do expensive things and not invite the non working poorer one's. There was also a divide between those who went on the have more children and those who didn't, as the one's with only one child would go off and do things (michelin restaurants) that weren't practical for the rest of us. There is also a certain amount of snobbery. They are mostly middle class and I am not.

The main thing that hurts is that there has been lying about meet ups they are having and also this feeling I get when I talk to them, I feel like they are thinking "what a dick" and it makes me want to curl up. Not entirely sure if I am paranoid though! One of them definately doesn't like me and I have no idea why, unfortuneately she is also the one who arranges all the meets so I get left out a lot.

Ho hum

Wow, and there was I feeling all left out with my lack of 'mummy friends' (I don't like that term, but I'm tired, and you know what I mean).

I chat to random people at the park and stuff, but that's mostly it.

Still friends with all my friends from years ago.

Actually, I live in a 'rich' area but am not rich. I am 26 and look quite young, and I think a lot of people mistake me for my son's nanny. Most of the other mums seem to be 35-40, blonde, Bugaboo, nice car, etc etc. (And that is no slight to Bugaboo, nice if you have the money.) A lot of them like to talk about routines and stuff, if they talk to me at all.

I'm glad I read this thread - makes me realise how many people are in similar situations.

My goodness, just leave the group and have nothing more to do with them, they sound awful. Life is too short, you will make other friends in time.

I like my NCT group, some members better than others, but have really been there for me, I would like to have a few more gritty conversations than baby baby baby all the time, am going to have to work on it.

I used to be blonde, my changing bag is naice, but not sure if designer (what are designer changing bags?! I like that yummy mummy one, albeit not hte sentiment) I like to dress nicely, I am no longer blonde. I was under 30 when did course (the only one) DH thought it was pointless so I went with a friend, I always go to events ''ALONE" with just the DCs for company, I RENT and don't own and don't have a flashy car. Would love to join in the Farrow and Ball conversations. Am very jealous I can't.

I digress, there was a woman in our group who we no longer see. I was checking this thread to see if she was on it. She was funny and nice at the outset, but over the following months got a bit intense. Very opinionated about the Right way to deal with a baby, a few personality quirks and VERY hypersensitive to being excluded. Which ultmately was why she was YSWIM.

Reading this thread makes me so delighted that I'm now 45, secure in myself, and can hang out with people who have much less/much more/the same amount of money than me and not give a flying fuck.

Boasting and one upmanship only make you feel bad if you're playing the same game and can't keep up.

Don't play the game. Look for the good in people and stop focusing on aspects of other people's conversations that make you feel inadequate.

I joined an NCT group as a single mum with funny parenting philosophies and sometimes I got really annoyed with the yummy mummyness of it. I once told a women to "stop bossing me around". I disn't feel too marginalised as there were a few of us single mums with alternnative views.
I just don't go because I am fed up with talking about babiesand parenting day in day out and want to talk about normal, adult things too.

This thread is very interesting. I felt exactly the same way as many of you did about my first NCT group - they were cliquey, judgey and obsessed with being the best mother. They made me miserable. We drifted apart after 6 months.

But because we moved house after DD1 was born we did an NCT refresher course before DD2 and met families having their 2nd or 3rd child, some after a long gap. It didn't feel competitive in the way the first one did and now, three years on, the 6 families still spend as much time together as we can. We're on ourr third group holiday this year (to Italy!) and there is no bitchiness, just wonderful supportive friendship. And although we have between us 6 children under 3, we also have a further 9 aged between 5 and 12 so it's great for the older children to spend time together too.

I think maybe when you've already had a LO and you couldn't give a toss who's sleeping through the night/out of nappies/got the best changing bag, it's easier to just enjoy the friendships.

Or maybe I was just lucky

I see one person regularly and that's a nice experience. Having baby makes you me perhaps more efficient with my free time. No time for people with hang ups. Have a nct 'friend' who is the google mother...knows schools, fees, property prices, best clothes shoes, development milestones and loves to show off her house. I could only take so much of it and I am now better off with baby and me doing stuff together. Just love away and do as you please.
Being mothers we are superb people and phenomenal superhuman beings...don't need anyone who does not appreciate us in our entire awesomeness! Stuff people who don't like you! Be happy with others who do

Ditch them, you don't need these posionous people in your life.

There was a nasty queen bee type in our NCT group (1997). The rest of us gradually realised that we all felt the same about her and just eased her out (we were apparently soo beneath her that I don't think she could have missed us at all....).

The remaining lovely families meet up every year for a weekend at the seaside, 11 kids (aged 4 to 14), wine, good food, cricket.. bliss.