NCT Group problems

[phonelover]

I am so fed up with my NCT group. Our babies are now 1year olds. Over the last year I have been bullied by one of the girls - constantly put down, sarcastic comments, jealous remarks - and she seems to have rallied the troops around her. I do like some of the group and we meet separately, but as a group of 8 it is very difficult. I have left the coffee meets 3 times now in tears and I am so bored of having to pussy-foot around. It seems that whatever I say it is wrong - even if someone else has said the same, eg. why don't we meet next Tuesday instead of Monday - when I say it I get "we can't all change for you", but when someone else said it, this same bullying girl said "what a good idea!".

I have opted out of so many meets now, but can't feel hurt that the other 7 seem to have found best buddies and yet push me out. It's a forced friendship and I am not bothered about whether we keep in touch (they have even talked about going on holiday as a mass group!) and I have lots of wonderful friends and have decided not to be part of a group that makes me so unhappy, but I can't help but wonder why. My friends say it is because this bully is jealous of my good home life and recent marriage and because I am the only one whose babe is not in nursery. But, we have to budget and I can't afford to do all the things that they do - another reason that they have pushed me out perhaps because I can't afford to go to Michelin starred restaurants like they do and go on expensive days out with babies.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?

But it isn't to do with the NCT or Ante-natal classes, it is just pot luck.

My NCT ante-natal group were great. Nearly seven years later we're all still in touch and a couple of them are my best friends. I went to other groups where I met just one or two people I 'clicked' with - some of whom are still friends, others were just nice to chat with for a while. Other groups (incl. NCT post-natal) were awful for different reasons.

The point is that if it isn't working, move on and do something else.

I found/find NCT and baby groups like Freshers Week at university. You will meet a lot of people in your same situation and you will all want to cling together. As time (a week or two hahaha!) passes by you will want to distance yourself/no longer see certain people.

Some of your original lot sound horrible, but you WILL meet nicer people but it is hard to see that now.

Other posts suggest the same thing - if you find a nice person, stick with her. Do not be despondent if you don't.

It's very much like dating!

ps It's not just NCT groups that can be rotten, it's any group that meets in 'forced' circumstances.

I agree with all the advice above - particularly KateMiddleton when she says you can say no and to arrange things with people you do like.

I was part of a NCT type group and it gave me great support when my son was a colicky/refluxy nightmare baby. It helped get me out the house and I picked up some great tips and advice. However once the babies turned one I found it all got a bit lord of the flies with various members pushing to be "leader". The conversation steered away from sleep and feeding to who said what about who and a rather bitchy streak emerged from a small minority of the group and trickled down. I found myself coming away from each meet up feeling slightly flat and I felt an air of resentment coming my way when my son changed from being a very unsettled baby to a placid and extremely easy going fella (nothing to do with me may I add, very much luck of the draw).

It all came to a head when I was ostracised and ignored for about two months by two of the group for suggesting we try out meeting at a different cafe. It felt like I was 13 ys old all over again!

I decided to get busy and hunted out playgroups, rhyming groups and made trips to the local park. I have branched out and feel much happer doing my own thing. I still go to meet ups with them every now and again but am often "too busy" to make it. I keep in touch with 3 of the girls from the group who I really like.

I get the feeling that various members of the group have turned on each other in my absence, and I am very glad to not be a part of it.

I feel much better taking matters into my own hands. There is no point in doing something that does not make you happy.

Good luck and have fun finding new activities and friends! :)

wow, they sound like a real bunch of fannies... get rid. i was very, very lucky with my ante-natal nct group, they are all lovely. some have kept in closer touch than others but such is life.

Poor you. My NCT 'friends' are a distant memory now, ds1 is 9, two more children and an international move later I have no idea what any of them are doing. Ditch 'em, go find a mums and tots and you will find someone on your wavelength.

I have met some really nice people from my NCT group but to be honest, I doubt it will really last after I go back to work as they are either doing part time or not returning and I am going back full time quite soon. The thing I find hardest is they obviously have a lot more money than me and I can't really do all the things they do. So I have gravitated towards some people at the free baby group instead!

I am so glad I am not the only one who isn't still bosom buddies with her NCT group a couple of years on.

Mine were mostly lovely - I thought. We met regularly until the babies were 6 months old and then things started to fizzle out a bit when I went back to work full-time. One other mum was working part-time and the others were still on maternity leave. I made a massive effort to keep in touch - I took a couple of half-days to meet up with them but then I realised it was always me emailing saying 'are we meeting?' and then being told about arrangements that had already been made without me on the email list. I didn't think too much of it as I thought they were just assuming I would be at work. I didn't hear anything for a couple of months and I knew that some of the others were back at work by then so I assumed no-one was meeting any more. And then I got an invitation as a guest to a "joint NCT first birthday party" a few days before it was due to take place - on my son's actual birthday - with everything already arranged - a venue, catering, cake etc. We were clearly not considered as part of the joint arrangement and it was very obvious that they had decided to invite us at the last minute.

In retrospect, I think they had very specific requirements about what they wanted for their group and I wasn't it. They were all extremely well-off - we are comfortable but don't have money to splash on designer clothes and three holidays a year (even if we wanted to). They wanted to meet in expensive cafes and restaurants all the time and everyone had very expensive prams and changing bags. I wasn't really into that sort of thing at all and looking back on it I remember quite a few little digs about me using a sling and cloth nappies and being pretty chilled-out about things that they got worked up about.

OP - I would give them the push.

Phonelover it sounds like we could have known the same person, lol.

The woman I knew used to say things too like you've described "Really?? She isn't walking yet?" or "Really?? You had stitches?? Yuk", very loudly and with a smirk.

I actually had the misfortune of coming back into contact with this woman once our DDs started school, and our DD's are now at secondary school together. Her daughter is the same as her, always boasting and bragging, and doesn't have many friends funnily enough...

"They wanted to meet in expensive cafes and restaurants all the time and everyone had very expensive prams and changing bags."

That made me smile... at out 'reunion' after all the babies had been born everyone arrived with their baby in the same car seat as each other- the maxi cosi one that costs about £135. we arrived with a fisher price jobby from Argos that cost £40 in the sale. And the free changing bag from Boots. We just didn't really fit in with everyone else!

I wish I'd seen this thread 5 years ago! I had similar experiences, low level bitchiness, no-one turning up to meet ups at my house, my invitation to the Xmas party going 'missing' etc

I agree with whoever said it's like Uni, I remember being told that 1st year at Uni, you befriend as many people as possible, 2nd year you try and drop all the numpties you met in the 1st year, 3rd year you settle down with true friends. I think parenthood is very similar.

Once I left my NCT group I joined lots of local baby groups, made some new friends and didn't look back.

Do you really want to be friends with a bunch of immature arseholes? You know you could do better than this bunch so just leave them to their toxic friendship.

You can and will make proper friends. x

Yes, abandon ship! Abandon ship! We just drifted apart in our group, not very much in common. I just stopped going at about 4 months old. I have one great friend from the NCT class. We call each other My Very Expensive Friend as the antenatal bit was hopeless, so the only thing we got for our money was each other (and it was worth it :) )

Phonelover, this is EXACTLY what happened to me. I basically had subtle bullying from one person in my NCT group and it took me a while to notice it, as everyone was nice on the surface for quite a while, it was only after a while I started to notice the bitchy remarks, the looks at each other when I was speaking and so on.

I think the reason I didn't notice early on is because I found the early period after having a baby so difficult. Everyone said you'll meet lovely people in the NCT and I had no other mummy friends. So, I carried on attending the meet-ups and nights out with the girls, til basically I realised that being in their gang was horrible! It took me about a year to realise this, and then dropped the group and ran away as fast as possible. My husband also tried to cheer me up by telling me they were jealous (perhaps they just didn't like me). I did stay in touch with one of the girls (same as you), but the fact that she still hung around with the bully/clique made me not want to stay in touch in the end.

Since then, I've made new friends at work and at the school gates, some with children, some without. You will meet nice people too!

That sounds terrible. It's really not worth the stress. I've heard lots of bad stories about NCT groups - I guess it's because you're just thrown together so you won't necessarily all get on. I'm not saying they're all bad.

You have plenty of real friends who won't upset you so spend time with them.
x

Agree with everyone - just leave. It sounds like you have chosen different paths, anyway.

My mothers' group never really clicked. We met for a year, it was pleasant enough, and then most of the women went back to work and we stopped meeting. I kept in touch with one woman - in fact I only really got to know her after we stopped meeting in a group - and we became good friends and I met some other good friends through her.

There is no need to go somewhere that is making you cry.

Gosh, this thread is so positive and sensible! Dare I say, a bit of a change from the usual MN advice...

All of the above sounds really good, and I agree with those who have said that certain women definitely get queen bee syndrome about motherhood....you could spend ages psychoanalysing whether it's because they're really happy or trying to increase self-esteem or whatever, but why bother? Just escape!

You're clearly self aware and sensible enough to step away from these people. I know it's not easy when you feel as though it's an unwarranted snub, but I reckon you've already wasted enough time on them. I would go for a scatter gun approach - parks, libraries, baby groups - and remember NCT is by its very nature a middle class haunt that tends to attract the competitive types (and just for the record, I'm not anti NCT and am a member, I think you just need to see it for what it is).

HandMini, I love that expression "Queen Bee syndrome about motherhood" and can think of a particular friend of mine who has it in spades!

Yes some good comments already made. Also worth mentioning that these things change over time anyway. If the babies are 1 now, probably some of the group will be back at work already or about to go back (quite likely all working different days) - and then next thing you know, some will be having second babies and find it harder to get out and about - and you will probably find you automatically end up having less "full group" get-togethers anyway, and much more just meeting up with the one or two people you're closest to.

But I would also be tempted to talk about the bully with your closest friends. She sounds like some of the girls I remember from school, but now I'm "all growed up" I have promised myself never to just put up with that sort of treatment again. Well that's the aim anyway!

Very true, they do change over time. Our group was OK for the 1st year, I think we all needed friends who were going through the same thing at the same time. During the 2nd year it fell apart badly and I left as dd1 was approaching 2.

Now she's approaching 7, I'm still in touch with the one person I got on with and the rest of the group never see each other now (my friend still gets Xmas cards from them. Clearly, I don't!)

I wasn't a member of NCT (my sister persuaded me not to) but I did stay in touch with a couple of women from prenatal yoga after our babies were born. However, it was always me contacting them about meeting up. They never invited me, I had to invite myself, and if I didn't they met up without me.

I persevered for a couple of months because I really needed the similar company but finally decided to wait until they contacted me. And they never did. I was hurt at the time but I obviously wasn't their type.

So no, don't waste time hanging around with people who make you unhappy. You might feel rejected or singled out at first but if you don't see them any more they can't make you unhappy.

This touches a raw nerve for me as well. I have been in a very similar position although it wasn't an NCT group. I fear it may be a side effect of groups of women together. If it works it's wonderful, if not somebody is left out / hurt.
It is hard to drop 'friends', but take it from me the awful sad / bullied feelings will stop as soon you stop seeing these people. You will move on forget the whole sorry episode!
Totally agree with sunshinestate - it's back to the playground mentality. I left the playgroung in 1986 and was horrified to find myself back there. Luckily I took matters into my own hands and I am much happier now! Good luck phonelover - just reading all the threads will make you feel better. It's not you, you were just unlucky in this particular lottery.

My neighbour was really into her NCT group, but as time wore on it was obvious (to me) that conformity was key. They all gave up breastfeeding at the same time, did the same groups, had the same basic attitudes to sleeping and eating etc. Except one woman who co-slept. My neighbour commented on this to me several times as did a couple of the others that I met (I never expressed any interest in what a virtual-stranger did, and couldn't have cared less!). I felt sorry for this woman because they obviously didn't really approve of her parenting and they clearly would have preferred not to have her in the group.

The fact that your baby is the only one not in nursery might be the key to this - as new parents we often seek out people who do things in the same way. You are a bit different, and they haven't yet developed the confidence not to need validation about their own parenting choices. So walk away! And keep in touch with one or two of the nice ones.

The needing to have the best prams, high chairs, car seats, etc... rang a bell with me too! When I suggested looking on ebay for something, it was as if I had said they should look look in rubbish bins or something! They all have the same high chair - one from John Lewis that cost a lot! I have a hand me down from my brother's 2 kids. It's perfect for me and I have no qualms about accepting hand me downs, looking on ebay or buying from charity shops. They wouldn't consider going to an NCT sale! To them I am the scum of the earth for even thinking such things. LOL!

The best was when I got married, the comments ranged from "well your dress was nice considering it was from the high street", to "well that restaurant is ok for you but it's not Michelin starred is it. I wouldn't eat there" and "your flowers were good considering you did them yourself". At the time I just dismissed them but as time has gone on there have been so many bitchy comments that I could write a book! (BTW, my wedding was wonderful - just how my hubby and I wanted it.)

It is strange that it touches a nerve and it seems to have on so many others - I'm sorry for us all - but you are all right, it is like the playground or like first going to uni when you just cling to someone for support in the early days and then realise that you have nothing in common! I think it's because as a group we shared having babies at the same time and therefore I don't want to have negative associations with that time of my life. But, I don't, I just have negative associations with the group as it developed and the true characters of the girls emerged.

Thanks everyone. It's good to know that there are nice people out there.

I don't think it matters if you're different or conform. If people are nice they will be nice; if they're horrid they will be horrid. I speak as the baby-wearing, cloth nappy using, homebirthing, breastfeeding past 6 months, supplementing with formula from birth, non-Moses basket owning, co-sleeping, blw-ing, non-returning to work, no nappy bag owning member of the group.

I think the others thought some of my choices a bit different, maybe a bit odd but I felt respected and I respected them even if our decisions were different.

The problem is not that it is an NCT group, the problem is that it has some not very nice people in it. OP has been unlucky but she has the power to walk away and every right to be dissapointed. We all want to find a support group when we experience the life changing event of becoming a parent but sadly not everyone will get on.