NCT Group problems

[phonelover]

I am so fed up with my NCT group. Our babies are now 1year olds. Over the last year I have been bullied by one of the girls - constantly put down, sarcastic comments, jealous remarks - and she seems to have rallied the troops around her. I do like some of the group and we meet separately, but as a group of 8 it is very difficult. I have left the coffee meets 3 times now in tears and I am so bored of having to pussy-foot around. It seems that whatever I say it is wrong - even if someone else has said the same, eg. why don't we meet next Tuesday instead of Monday - when I say it I get "we can't all change for you", but when someone else said it, this same bullying girl said "what a good idea!".

I have opted out of so many meets now, but can't feel hurt that the other 7 seem to have found best buddies and yet push me out. It's a forced friendship and I am not bothered about whether we keep in touch (they have even talked about going on holiday as a mass group!) and I have lots of wonderful friends and have decided not to be part of a group that makes me so unhappy, but I can't help but wonder why. My friends say it is because this bully is jealous of my good home life and recent marriage and because I am the only one whose babe is not in nursery. But, we have to budget and I can't afford to do all the things that they do - another reason that they have pushed me out perhaps because I can't afford to go to Michelin starred restaurants like they do and go on expensive days out with babies.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?

This is interesting to read... I am persevering at the moment with my NCT group but I'm starting to get vibes that I "don't fit in" as I live in a different part of town and I'm not as well off as the others. Nothing concrete yet but having read what others have put it looks like this is par for the course and I will probably have to put myself about a bit with other groups in order to find a group of "mummy friends". Shame, because meeting other mums in my area was the main reason for going... Good luck OP.

Katemiddleton speaks a lot of sense, I agree completely.

I don't think I was particularly 'different' , I agree with the person that said sadly some groups of women do get a bit like this. It was very much led by two Queen Bee types (although why they thought they were Queen Bees I never knew, they always seemed perfectly ordinary to me). Perhaps it was my failure to worship them that caused the problem!

TING-A-LING! This SO rings a bell.

I've been lucky, in that my NCT group have all got on like a house on fire. I see at least one of them at least once a week. But I think it's compulsory that there's a Queen Bee. I didn't notice for ages, but then became aware that it always this one person dictating which park we went to, or which baby group we went to, and changing arrangements at the last minute if we dared to stray from her plan. She also chooses 'favourites', and excludes others, thinking that no-one notices. I just bumbled along with it, occasionally muttering under my breath, and thought I was the only one to get annoyed with it.

After a particularly irritating morning of buggering about going from venue to venue, I lost my rag. Turns out most other people in the group find it incredibly irritating too. So, Phonelover, you may well not be the only one!

Michelin starred restaurants? Leave now

All you people having trouble finding a nice NCT coffee morning group should come over to the one I am in, we all get on and make new people feel welcome I am afraid you are to late for our monthly meal out which is tonight. We dont have a Queen bee as I being a male keep everybody in order
Yes groups do move on but the main purpose is to see you through the early years while you are looking after junior at home. We have some mums who still come on the meals out to keep in touch with everyone even though they are back at work

Phonelover, they sound like a load of materialistic noveau-riche snobs, and you're far, far better off without them.

God, it sounds horrible. Just don't meet with them any more - life's too short. See the ones you like separately or on a one to one basis.

My NCT is a little like this but more just very very competitive. I've opted out. I'd rather spend the time at home with my DS than listen to them banging on about how advanced their 5 month olds are.

I think for some groups, conformity does seem to be important. I was also the cloth-nappying, sling-using mum and I can now pick out quite a few negative comments that I didn't really "get" at the time. I think that in certain areas the NCT is seen as the thing to do, and just another badge of yummy-mumminess, along with the in-trend pram, the changing bag of choice etc etc.

Which is a shame as it does so much good work.

I do wonder if this queen-bee thing is sometimes overly assertive women being proactive? And then it becomes habit that Alpha-mum arranges the meets and a few boundaries get crossed, everyone's far to polite to say anything and it becomes the norm.

I know if the others in my group hadn't made an effort to organise a meet there probably wouldn't have been one

Which reminds me I must make more effort to see the people I like...

Good point Katie. I would actually love a Queen Bee to take charge of my social arrangements. And I really like the fact that there is one at my dd's ballet school. She does everything, from doing everyone's hair at exam time to stage-managing the show. I am a closet Queen Bee, but have too much work on to put my bossiness organisational skills into being a mum.

I am in touch with one from my group, from four years ago, because our sons get on really well. We are really good friends now and even go to an exercise class together. Most of the others I see around now and again but don't bother with. I'm a bit of a loner really and tired very quickly of the groups! I couldn't afford the antenatal classes and joined bumps and babies when DS was 2 months. One woman was very off with me because DS crawled before hers did. Which I can't be doing with. I live in a much smaller house than most of them, so the chip on my shoulder showed somewhat They were generally very nice, but not for me!
My sister has just been to one her first ones and stomped out in a rage because she was criticised en-masse for co-sleeping. I mean, honestly!
Please don't go to the meets anymore, you'll be much happier!

Don't get stressed by them, it's not worth it. Like any group, sometimes you fit in and feel comfortable, other times you don't! It isn't worth persevering with anyone that makes you feel uncomfortable to that extent in life, and if the rest of them are passively accepting a situation that is obviously upsetting someone then they're just as bad imo. Write em off as a bad bunch and cut ties. :)

I am a shy sort, and tend to stand out from many women for various reasons, and I ended up in a similar (though passive rather than nasty sniping) situation with my antenatal group. Took me a few weeks of turning up and not being in any way involved in conversations (or responded to) for 95% of the time beyond "Hi", to realise that. At the time I was too scared (first time mum, no support network due to distances) to leave, but looking back on it I don't actually think I had much in common with any of them. So I just stopped turning up one week. No-one asked why (we were all on a mailing list and that carried on for two or three months before they realised and stopped sending emails one day), so it was the right decision. :)

What I did do though is tried out various groups (both low cost and higher cost) and kept trying even though I didn't feel like it and eventually I met some good friends. The one I know most I bumped into and got chatting one day on the street, strange how things work out! So you'll find folks - ones that have things in common with you for who you are and/or your style of parenting, and ones who don't pick on you for reasons of their own insecurity as a person.

I was interested that the OP referred to the other women in her group as 'girls'. Also, I was puzzled to read that she is still going to the group even though she has fled in tears three times.

Definitely get out of there, OP, and stop being tortured by this unnecessarily. But maybe, before your fresh start, have a think about whether you ever resorted to the language and behaviour of the playground whilst a member of the group?

Bullying is NEVER right, and it's NEVER the fault of the victim - but please don't carry on seeing yourself as a victim because of this encounter.

When you find a group of adult women, you will love it there, and they will welcome you because you are sensible, grown-up and confident. Don't let the current lot haunt you, but try to learn from the experience.

Op I have experienced something similar with my Nct group one woman wjompikes to queen bee, I am a Sahm and like you do not have the budget to do posh restaurants and 5 holidays a year.

I also have been pushed out. They are threatened because they weenie below thier standard of living however my children out do hem at all baby milestones.

Cut your loss and spend time with people who like you and won't destroy your confidence.

The world is full of nice people who you can be friends with :)

Who likes

We live

When I first met my local NCT, I thought, "What the hell? Have I entered a coven?" Soon I found others through these NCT mornings, who thought like me, and we have formed a close bond although we no longer get involved with the coffee meetings.

As someone said, it's the luck of the draw - I perservered and it paid off. But if after 1 year, you have got nowhere, I think you ought to call it a day.

Havn't read all the replies, but here is my experience. Our babies at 2.5 now.

Some are good friends. Others are not - others are not people I would ever normally meet except that our babies are the same age. When this mattered - when having a baby that was 1 week/3 months/ 1 year old was most of what I was - like when I was on mat leave - then they were a great group of people to know, because that was the big thing in their life too.

Most of them are a lot better off than me. They have been on group holidays etc. I have had to opt out - £500 is a months mortgage to me, not a week end away. Be honest, if they care they will respect that.

But also your DC is a year old now. Your probably don;t really need all the "new mums together" support. Pick and choose who you want to be friends with.

Thanks for this thread, I have been feeling really sad about my NCT group and what had happened.
Started off as 6. I approached it with ridiculously high hopes as someone had told me you "make friends for life at NCT classes" and felt sooo excited after the first meeting as I really liked both people who happened to be sat either side of me. One of these girls lived 5mins walk from me, I was so happy.
But after an email joke that was taken the wrong way, by the girl who lived close to me, only 4 of us met regularly. It was a lifeline to me, and I was so happy to have found a nice bunch of friends.
However one cut me out of her bday celebrations (found out as she had invitied the other two who then sent a group email about it obviously not realising I had been left out). I was and am still hurt about this and it has left me rather insecure of how to deal with the situation. There aren't regular group meets any more, but I think 2 of them see eachother regularly, and the 3rd person has been lovely and tried to do inclusive meets but I still feel very unconfident about it.
So thank you for starting this thread.It does feel exactly like the playgroud, but there has been some great advice on here. I work part-time so am ok half the week, but the rest of the time my days off are really lonely and I guess I need to resume my quest to find some buddies!

I'd also really like to be friends with person 3 but feel really insecure about it due to above history but also because she is one of life's naturally popular people with lots of friends and therefore the friendship would be imbalanced as she would be one of a much smaller number of friends for me. Maybe just easier to forget the whole thing.

Thank you for this thread! I have just decided to enjoy the first birthday parties, then keep in touch with the 2 ladies I get on with best! It has been worrying me as i am a 'people pleaser' that I had done something wrong. but actually, I just dont get on with everyone the same way.
We had a terrible birth and NICU experience so always felt on the outside, but know now that I have 2 people I can rely on for support from our group.
Nice to feel I am not alone...

Not NCT, but one of the groups that evolved when DD was born sounds very much like this. I've spent a lot of time getting worked up / offended / sad about it but just don't bother with the big group events now. Instead I see the ones I do get on with (plenty of them) in different situations and smaller groups. A big help to me was the fact that I'd joined different groups and activities and therefore no one bitchy clique actually matters that much now.

That said, I had a bit of an uncomfortable time being cold-shouldered at a Christening this weekend. Some people are just real twats and you need to press the unfriend button make the decision to stop wasting time on them.

Leftoutperson, it's interesting you talk of not being invited to birthday parties - that has just happened to me too, as well as a day out. Probably more that I don't know about!

Dontjumpplease, I also feel that I am a people pleaser and just try to get on with everyone, but I guess that there are bitches out there, like the queenbee in the group. It is nice to know that we are not alone.

Kittybuttoon, I have agonized about what I have done to deserve this and I worry about everything I say. But I can honestly say that I don't believe I have behaved badly or had playground mentality. I've never had anything like this before in my life - not even at school! - I guess it's just one of those things. I am the odd one out as a SAHM and can't afford to do the things that they do, but I wouldn't want to even if I had the money, as just the whole culture of the group makes me unhappy. I'm counting on the emails just stopping and it fizzling out.

Curious - what do the others do when you leave the group in tears? Because anyone who allows that sort of behaviour and does nothing to comfort the person who is upset, is just as bad as the bully.

I always think these militant mums are usually seriously insecure about what they are doing and therefore need constant validation that what they are doing is right from everyone else around them - it's a bit sad really.

I spent far too long at one toddlers group where all the mums were just from another planet... Honestly I spent the whole time on juice duty or talking solely to the kids since the mums were so awful. Finally realised I couldn't be the only person in the world who thought they were Stepford clones and found a much nicer group!!! Different strokes for different folks, but there's sure to be some other mums around too.

Yours sounds nasty: mine was just boring. I didn't mind the endless talk about feeds and sleeping and nappies when ds was very tiny but I didn't find it very interesting or really want to talk about it myself, because, well, it was all I ever thought about when alone (and I was alone a lot). When I met others, I craved diversion. When the children turned one, to still have to talk about routine/sleep/food/milestones etc was just stultifyingly dull. There were never any funny baby stories, or anyone who would admit to be anything other than perfection, and there was a bit of weird class warfare too. Another person in the group did the same job as me and another one of the mums kept making disparaging comments about how it was a "working class" job. I couldn't give a monkeys what class job I have, but it was clearly intended as an insult! It was all a bit snide and I've just let it fizzle. I imagine we might meet up every once in a blue moon for a bit and then it will be a dim and distant memory and, d'yknow what, I've not one regret about that!

being anything other than perfetion