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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in wondering , when using discipline

122 replies

creaseistheword · 29/03/2011 19:06

How you get a child to go to their room if they refuse and you cant physically move them?

OP posts:

squinkydinkus · 30/03/2011 21:43

You need a death stare! My mum had one for me, it was a look that told me i was in deep shit and I have perfected it for my own kids mwahhahahaha!! Works a treat.

heliumballoons · 30/03/2011 21:44

I am always ed when I see a child (not toddler) hit their parent. I am often even more when I see no consequence. I have seen first hand the hitting then the consequence being withdrawn because the parent is not strong enough - physically and mentally - to follow through. Good on you OP for wanting to follow through. I agree with the ignore, make it clear you aren't interested in him if he behaves that way and will remove yourself from him.

I would though say if this is the first time he's hit you talk to him. Find out why he was so angry (may have nothing to do with the DS) and then tell him the consequence of doing it again.

And yes I love the filming

LeQueen · 30/03/2011 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

creaseistheword · 30/03/2011 21:49

He has been good as gold today ;)

OP posts:

cory · 30/03/2011 21:54

I thought I had a brilliant death stare- worked fine with difficult teens I taught as a supply teacher, worked fine with nephews and nieces, and worked fine with dd on all normal days. But when she was in tantrum mood she just didn't respond at all. She once told me later that when she went into one of these moods she couldn't recognise it was me, she felt it was some evil monster that she just had to fight. So I suppose she couldn't really see the stare either.

We coped though and we got through and dd has a lot of respect for me.

CheerfulYank · 30/03/2011 22:22

DS (3 and a half) is currently crying in the corner of the kitchen for hitting me. He has lost his cars for the day as well. How dare he!

I think a lot of the advice on here is good, and I'm confused as to the people who say that they "don't believe in punishment". The world believes in punishment! You steal, you go to jail. You don't work, you starve. You're an arse, people don't want to be your friend. End of. To act as though things are different is a grave disservice to your child, IMHO. For every action there is a reaction, and all that. If you don't like the reaction, don't do the action, as my dad told me about a billion times when I was growing up. :)

AgentZigzag · 30/03/2011 22:30

I always love seeing MadamDeathstares name, it may as well be MadameGuillotine for the cutting sharpness

Hug for you CheerfulYank, who'd 'ave 'em eh?

CheerfulYank · 30/03/2011 22:31

Thanks, Agent. I'm not going to get any hugs out of DS anytime soon, that's for sure. :)

cory · 30/03/2011 22:41

I believe in punishment. But I don't believe it is the answer to every problem. And I don't believe a parent is necessarily useless because a defiant child hits him once or twice.

BertieBotts · 30/03/2011 22:43

People who don't believe in punishment might believe in consequences though CheerfulYank. Everything you describe (other than jail!) is a consequence, not a punishment.

ouryve · 30/03/2011 22:57

OK, late to this thread, but I cannot lift my own 25 kg 7 year old when he'd being 25 kg of angry wriggle. I lifted him for fun, this morning and reminded myself the painful way that I have to be more careful with my golfer's elbow (never played golf in my life, but that's what it is). DH can lift him in full ASD tantrum, but not for long and not without painful after-effects.

To the OP, in a hole, if DS1 is tantrumming in a dangerous way, I take DS2 into another room with me and effect the isolation by putting ourselves in time out. For more everyday consequences, we have to be more creative. Not much has currency with him, but his DS is quite precious to him, as is use of the computer, after school. He loses his DS for getting ready for school misdemeanours and his computer for aggression at school. Your DS probably doesn't need such rigid rules, but finding his currency and working with it calmly and firmly will make a difference to how he responds to you.

Kiwiinkits · 31/03/2011 04:44

You could try the Ladder of Impending Doom. Kids of about 7 hate going to bed early right? So use bed time as the indicator.

That is, you're naughty once, you get an hour taken off your bedtime. So if your bed time is normally eight, you're in bed by seven.

If you're naughty twice, you get two hours taken off. In bed by six!
If you're naughty three times, into bed with you at five... the thought of being in bed at five is just horrible for kids.

But if you want to earn your bedtime back, you can unpack the dishwasher (which gets 1 hour); fold the washing (1 hour); vacuum (1 hour).

I've never tried it but it might work for you?

i guess the hard bit is trying to enforce the bedtime if you can't physically move the boy.

ousel · 31/03/2011 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 31/03/2011 18:45

Ousel and Bertie you're right of course. :) I don't mean to sound draconian or cold, because I'm really not at all. And of course I talk to DS about his behavior and why it is wrong, and tell him things like we do not hit people in this house, I'm the mummy and it's my job to love you and keep you safe and bring you up to be a good person and you need to do as you're told for that to happen, etc.

But he is little and does not always understand, and for lots of things the reason then becomes "because I'm your mother and that's the way I want it." For instance, we allow a very little bit of television on weekdays. DS often wants to watch more. I tell him no. I explain that we are going to do other fun things. He refuses and starts to tantrums. I've explained to him that lots of TV is not god for your mind, the same way as lots of chocolate is not good for your teeth. He understands, to some degree, but he doesn't care because he's three. And yes, because I'm bigger I can enforce it, and if he pushes the issue then he goes to his room, because I think it's annoying to have a three year old screaming at me because I won't allow one more episode of Diego.

Also I have worked with lots of kids who were allowed to do what they wanted all the time. You'd think they'd be happy, but most of them were quite miserable. It's a lot to put on a small child, to be responsible for themselves. They don't know how.

That being said, I do know one set of parents who don't "discipline" as such and their daughter is very well behaved and happy. It works for them, and that's fabulous. It just wouldn't for me. :)

CheerfulYank · 31/03/2011 18:47

good for your mind :)

ousel · 31/03/2011 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 31/03/2011 20:40

I have thought of the ousel ...DS is still too little to understand the concept abstractly but maybe if I make up tickets or something? A ticket per episode. :)

BertieBotts · 31/03/2011 20:59

"Also I have worked with lots of kids who were allowed to do what they wanted all the time. You'd think they'd be happy, but most of them were quite miserable. It's a lot to put on a small child, to be responsible for themselves. They don't know how."

Oh yes, I totally agree with this. And yes TBH if DS is really irritating me with screaming I do tend to leave the room or suggest we go to the park or something, because it's a small house and I just don't get a break otherwise. But I wouldn't mind particularly if I put him in his room and he immediately started playing with his trains and having a lovely time, as long as the problem was dealt with, if that makes sense.

BertieBotts · 31/03/2011 21:05

I find quite a lot with things that are going to be limited, like if I only want him to watch one TV programme, or have 2 biscuits, or (the big one) that he's only allowed to nurse at home, I have to remind him before it starts or before we go out or before he gets the biscuits every single time, and get him to acknowledge verbally that he understands. Then sometimes he still struggles a bit when I say no more, but probably 80% of the time he just accepts it, because he knew it was coming.

ousel · 31/03/2011 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 31/03/2011 21:13

Right! :)

Bertie I do the same with DS (you can have one piece of candy, we are only going to watch one Diego, after two stories the lights go off.) Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. He's very strong willed and passionate about the things he likes...most of the time he's a ridiculously sunny little boy, but when he's not he's not. I, um, have no idea where he gets it from...

Othersideofthechannel · 31/03/2011 21:44

Creaseistheword, I think your rule is a very sensible one. Sleep experts recommend avoiding screens in the hour before bedtime.

Now the storm has calmed, I would have a chat with him to remind him of the rule and the reasoning behind the rule. Then brainstorm how you can help him stick to the rule in future. Eg if it's too tempting for him to see the DS after school, how about it goes in a cupboard in your room until Friday night. I'm sure he'll have lots of creative ideas.

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