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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friends are being tight, right?

105 replies

Mammie81 · 28/03/2011 23:37

Im 30 in a month. Asked them to an event which costs £35.

My friends who are a couple have complained to me that £35 is quite alot to spend on one event. Despite them doing the following :

  • Having a wedding on a cruise next year where guests are expected to pay for their attendance, in excess of £500 per person
  • Recent birthday of the female friend in the couple costing over £35 in meal/cinema/gig/travel (NOT a 30th!!!)

Im 30, Ive just had a baby and havent had a bloody drink in a year! And they wont pay £35 for me, when they expect us to pay £500 to see them married?! They are tight, arent they? Im not BU?

PS
They are having the cruise wedding as its cheaper for them as they pay an excess and then just buy wedding clothes.

OP posts:
renlovesyou · 29/03/2011 15:32

For those of you saying Mammie is BU, do you really think its ok to ask someone to pay for something when you know you arent going to reciprocate? Because I think thats greedy. I'm shocked at the amount of people who think this is ok.

stubbornhubby · 29/03/2011 15:36

free to decline, yes but, yes but ...

-- if you organise group of friends to go out for dinner, and someone declines, it's fine, no hard feelings, no big deal, you would hardly notice.

-- but if you invite them to your birthday party, with an admission price atached, you put moral pressure on them to accept the inviation for your sake and suck up the cost, and if they decline then they feel guilty and you feel aggreieved and you write threads about them on Mumsnet.

A party should be freely given, and gratefully accepted.

MrsH75 · 29/03/2011 15:39
  • I think they are being selfish if they've been throwing money around and expecting others to spend loads on their wedding
  • I think others are entitled to decline if they find £35 genuinely too much
  • If I was organising something that had a fixed cost like that, or if I thought a restaurant might be slightly expensive I'd contact people first to check they were ok with it.
ChristinedePizan · 29/03/2011 15:45

Oh I think they sound utterly bonkers - I've never been asked to pay to attend someone else's wedding and wouldn't dream of forking out :o

But by the same token, I also object to being asked to shell out to attend a birthday. So by that token, the OP and her mates are both BU.

renlovesyou · 29/03/2011 15:47

Really? You've never been asked to go bowling or to a movie for a friends bday?

Original poster
Mammie81 · 29/03/2011 15:49

We've talked about going to this thing before. And they were ok with it then...

OP posts:
stubbornhubby · 29/03/2011 15:56

bowling

  • my DS organised he and his friends to go bowling together on the last day of term (school having eneded at lunchtime).. they all split the cost
  • my DS also had a bowling birhtday party (he like bowling!), we paid for it all.

that's the difference between a party, and just going out with your mates. they are different.

renlovesyou · 29/03/2011 16:22

I dont understand what you mean by party. OP is 30, not 10. Presumably her friends earn a wage. If thats the way her friends do it then fine, thats not what she was asking. And her friend had no problem asking everyone to fork out £35. Or £500 it seems.

renlovesyou · 29/03/2011 16:26

Do you still pay for your friends to come out with you on your birthday, stubbornhubby?

NetworkGuy · 29/03/2011 16:53

stubbornhubby "A party should be freely given, and gratefully accepted."

Perhaps, ideally, if one can afford to. However, I see from the post by ChristinedePizan (who as same verdict for both parties) ...

it wasn't just the OP who has asked, read the original post and the same sort of costs were applicable to the female friend's not 30th birthday, so while it might not fit in with your views, it's not just the one side asking, is it...

ChristinedePizan · 29/03/2011 17:04

Yes of course I have but a fixed fee thing which is quite expensive is quite different. I've been ice skating and then for a meal - some people came skating (£8), some to the meal and some just had a few drinks but didn't eat. It's the £70 per couple which I think is a bit steep - unless everyone is footloose and fancyfree and earning a decent wage then presumably there are also childcare costs to be taken into consideration. For my 'big' parties where it was important to me that as many of my friends as possible were there, I paid the lion's share/all of the costs.

renlovesyou · 29/03/2011 17:05

I've just paid £92 to go to my friends birthday celebration even though its something she chose and I wouldnt normally do. Its her 30th and its something she's always wanted to do. Its a new experience for me and will be fun. I wouldnt dream of making her pay for me, she could never afford it. If those are the terms I'd just never go out. Lovely life, that.

renlovesyou · 29/03/2011 17:07

And £500 for a wedding isnt steep? Jeez!

ChristinedePizan · 29/03/2011 17:10

I already said I thought they were being outrageous asking people to contribute to their wedding Confused

StealthPolarBear · 29/03/2011 17:20

The wedding is irrelevant

She asked the OP to pay to come to her birthday party. Presumably it wasn't the OP's idea of how she'd have chosen to spend that money but she did it because it was her friend's birthday. Now it turns out that her friend isn't prepared to do the same for her - and for her 30th too. All very well saying she shouldn't have gone to the friend's boirthday do but that has been, the OP made the effort to go.
I'd be Angry

stubbornhubby · 29/03/2011 17:43

networkguy

  • yeah, my rule applies to all the parties: to OP's 30th, her friends birthday, the wedding, all of them: inviting people to any sort of party that comes with an admission price is always a bad idea - it spoils your party before you have even begun, and this thread is a good example, to be honest.
  • if you don't have much money scale down the party: have a picnic and frisbee-fest in the park with crisps and a box of wine. People will enjoy it

anyhting simple, freely offered will more valuable to your friends than something sophisticated.. that they have to pay for.

elphabadefiesgravity · 29/03/2011 19:58

I too have never invited anyone to a party where the guests have had to pay anything.

I have said (or rather dh then dp said) do you fancy a night out to celebrate my birthday at a restaurant but that was more of a night out with friends with the birthday being incidental.

mollymole · 29/03/2011 20:51

my husband has just had a 'big' birthday and we invited people to a party where we had a live band and food for every one - we paid for it ourslevs and would not dream of asking someone to a party and then them 'pay for a ticket' if you can't afford to treat your friends then do something diffferent -

mollymole · 29/03/2011 20:52

sorry type above 'ourselves' not 'ourslevs'

LargeGlassOfRedPlease · 29/03/2011 20:55

If you invite people out to something that expensive for your b'day, YOU pay!!? Shock

If you had a house party woudl you expect your guests to club in and pay for the food and drinks you provide?..erm, no!

So why because you are going out do they foot the bill? It's different if they suggested it, but you have, so YABU. Comparing to wedding isn't really a 'fair test'!

Original poster
Mammie81 · 29/03/2011 21:30

Guys, will you listen? SHE asked ME to something that expensive, and then wont come to my birthday because it is TOO expensive, even though it costs the SAME. I'm not asking you to judge how me and my friends split the celebration bill as paying for yourself is considered normal to us, I'm asking you if its tight not to reciprocate when you have asked the same of your friends.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 29/03/2011 21:32

Give up Mammie :o
Some of us got it
Yes £35 is a lot of money to pay to celebrate someone;s birthday but the point is she doesn't think so - as her actions prove

StealthPolarBear · 29/03/2011 21:33

I will repeat a section of my last post as I ahve an over inflated ego

Presumably it wasn't the OP's idea of how she'd have chosen to spend that money but she did it because it was her friend's birthday. Now it turns out that her friend isn't prepared to do the same for her - and for her 30th too

stubbornhubby · 29/03/2011 22:16

"Guys, will you listen? SHE asked ME to something that expensive, and then wont come to my birthday because it is TOO expensive, even though it costs the SAME. I'm not asking you to judge how me and my friends split the celebration bill as paying for yourself is considered normal to us, I'm asking you if its tight not to reciprocate when you have asked the same of your friend"

I understand all this. to my mind all this bad feeling completely illustrates why it's a bad idea to ask people to pay to come your own wedding/birthday etc

annielouisa · 29/03/2011 22:48

OP can you be specific what is it you want the couple to spend their 70 pounds per couple on? It seems for the female non 30th their cost was for a meal and whatever was happening but if your talking picnics and taking drinks then food ect is not included in your day.

I think the wedding is a bit different, how long is the cruise? Do not go if it is too expensive. The cruise could be like a holiday though. My DD2 and her EXP went to a friends wedding abroad expensive but they had a super holiday too.