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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friends are being tight, right?

105 replies

Mammie81 · 28/03/2011 23:37

Im 30 in a month. Asked them to an event which costs £35.

My friends who are a couple have complained to me that £35 is quite alot to spend on one event. Despite them doing the following :

  • Having a wedding on a cruise next year where guests are expected to pay for their attendance, in excess of £500 per person
  • Recent birthday of the female friend in the couple costing over £35 in meal/cinema/gig/travel (NOT a 30th!!!)

Im 30, Ive just had a baby and havent had a bloody drink in a year! And they wont pay £35 for me, when they expect us to pay £500 to see them married?! They are tight, arent they? Im not BU?

PS
They are having the cruise wedding as its cheaper for them as they pay an excess and then just buy wedding clothes.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 29/03/2011 10:40

If I had "friends" that carried on like this, I wouldn't count them as proper friends and so would find their attitude funny.

NetworkGuy · 29/03/2011 11:15

BecauseImWorthIt - understand your point about comparison with wedding, but read again the second bullet point - non-30th birthday of the female of the couple was costing similar/more than 35.

OP - YANBU - hope your celebration goes off well.

Makingaminime · 29/03/2011 11:21

What is the event costing £35? I would refuse if I thought it was a rip-off or something I didn't want to do anyway. For exampel I hate stand up comedy with a passion. I would definitely say I couldn't pay £35 to go to a comedy gig or something because to me it's way too much money for something awful.

It's up to people how they spend their money and whether they attend things. You didn't have to go to the other birthday, but £30 for meal/cinema etc sounds ok value to me anyway. You def don't have to go to the wedding Shock

Makingaminime · 29/03/2011 11:22

Sorry didn't quote the OP properly, but £35 for cinema/meal/gig/travel sounds like good value and something I'd be happy to pay for.

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 11:28

YABU - I would think a pub snack or going out for a coffee would be fine! Budget of £15-£20 max. There is a major recession on you know?

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 11:29

BTW - perhaps the problem is that your birthday isn't quite as BIG and IMPORTANT an event as you think it is?

rookiemater · 29/03/2011 11:30

What is the event OP?

QuintessentialShadows · 29/03/2011 11:36

Why do you lay on a (costly) full day even for your birthday?
And a full day event with no food and drink provided?

Why not invite your friends for dinner, or a meal out?

Then arrange the event for some other time, as a mutual agreement to do this thing together? Then you cant be upset about who is coming or not, as it has nothing to do with your birthday.

ChristinedePizan · 29/03/2011 11:38

Thing with a meal out is that people can choose how much they spend. A fixed cost thing for a birthday is a bit odd I always think, especially as it is quite a significant fixed cost

TheBIGBadWolf · 29/03/2011 11:48

So for a special birthday, say to the Ritz. Do you go?

Depends on your budget, and, hopefully the inviter is aware of friend's budget ability and won't embarrass their friend by inviting them to something it's obvious they cannot attend.

Courtesy people, courtesy!

rookiemater · 29/03/2011 11:51

Arrgh wish I knew what the event was so I could make an informed comment. I wouldn't pay £35 to go to something I really don't like, someone else had mentioned stand up comedy and yes I would actively avoid that so the idea of paying a wodge of money to go and see it would be an anaethma to me.

foreverondiet · 29/03/2011 11:53

Personally I wouldn't invite friends to restuarant for dinner for my birthday unless I was prepared to pay. re the cruise, I wouldn't be going.... how rude.

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 11:55

For £35 pounds I can do a week of suppers for my family - I think it is a bit much for a friend's birthday - people have other priorities at the moment.

stubbornhubby · 29/03/2011 11:58

party invitations should be a gift of friendship, freely offered, with no strings.

you should not be charging your friends admission price.

downscale your party to something you can afford to pay for ebntirely yourself. If you are skint wait for summer and have a bumper pack of crisps, 300 cocktail sausages and a picnic in the park

don't charge your friends an admission price to your own party.

BaggedandTagged · 29/03/2011 12:00

Hmm, you're never going to get a consensus on here because people's expectations of

  1. What constitutes an expensive night out; and
  2. What is the norm within your group in respect of who funds birthday parties

will vary hugely.

e.g. within my group, we usually go to a restaurant for a birthday and everyone would pay for themselves. The birthday boy/girl might pay for the drinks, but often they don't, and that's just how it goes.

Maryz · 29/03/2011 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 29/03/2011 12:02

I'm amazed that people don't go out for meals and things where everyone pays their way as it's rude.

We have always done this - when we were 16 we all went to the pub and everyone paid their way and when we were older and earning more we went out for a meal and everyone paid their way. If one person had been expected to pay it would never have happened - no-one is that wealthy! And we all went out anyway so it was just the usual + birthday cards. Really surprised to hear that this is rude. In that case my social circle have all been reciprocally rude to each other without realising for the last 20 years!

OP I think that YANBU. Of course it is up to them whether they want to come or not (declinature = fine) but not if the reason is that it's too expensive when they are expecting you to shell out £££ on them.

Blu · 29/03/2011 12:05

It sounds as if they are not actually that keen on the event you have chosen.

I would talk to a sympathetic member of the group, say 'this is my only chance in a ages to really go out - is it the cash or the event?'.

But if they have already all committed to his gahstly £500 cruise no wonder everyne is feeling poor and wondering where expensive celbrations will stop!

Just go with one or two closest mates and meet the rest at the end of the day fo drinks.

foxter · 29/03/2011 12:22

I think that you/we should leave the cruise out of it. Just the fact that you have recently paid £35 to celebrate her birthday, and now she doesn't want to spend the same amount to celebrate yours (which is a big one), says to me that maybe they're not as good friends as you thought they are. No wonder you're upset.

Whether or not other posters think £35 is too much or not for a birthday, it has already been set as a benchmark by your friend. I think it's dead cheeky of them to have let you pay that for her birthday and then not be prepared to pay it for yours.

You could talk to them, and if they genuinely cannot afford it then fair enough, but I still think it was a bit off of them to expect you to pay £35 for her birthday whilst not being prepared to reciprocate.

stubbornhubby · 29/03/2011 12:39

'let's all go out for a meal and pay our way'

  • that's good fun, and people can accept or decline with no offense no problem

'I am having a birthday party, and it's in a restaurant and it's £30 a head'

  • that's different, and not right. people are now under pressure and cant' easily decline. you are spoiling your own party before it's started.
candleshoe · 29/03/2011 12:40

Well put stubbornhubby

Ormirian · 29/03/2011 12:40

Nothing to do with you what they are spending on their own celebrations. For one reason or another they can't afford yours. Could you not do something cheaper?

NetworkGuy · 29/03/2011 13:13

"It sounds as if they are not actually that keen on the event you have chosen."

from the OP Tue 08:49
But I know they would love this event, they've spoken about doing it before. If £35 is too much for them, why ask others to spend that on her birthday.

"I think it is a bit much for a friend's birthday - people have other priorities at the moment."

from the OP Mon 23:52
And her birthday cost £35 at least per person. So its not like they wouldn't ask me to spend £35 on a birthday.

"precisely why I ensure all our friends are in a similar financial position to us"

Both birthday events, OPs 30th, so tiny bit special seem to have similar cost, but her suggestion snubbed while asking not only about a birthday, but significant "cruise from hell Wedding" later, too... £1000/couple (and tough if they also have DC) !

Original poster
Mammie81 · 29/03/2011 15:16

The principle is the same however much it costs. If someone asks you to spend £5 or £100 on their event and then says the equivalent is too much for your event, its still rude I think. And I feel the cruise is relevant. What if I said I wanted them to spend £1000 on my wedding, would I get the same scenario I'm getting now? Sorry, thats too much but its ok for us to ask you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mammie81 · 29/03/2011 15:20

And everyone is free to decline, of course. Another couple did because of the cost. But they hadnt just asked me to shell out the same amount, and they didnt go to the female friends birthday either.

OP posts: