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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friends are being tight, right?

105 replies

Mammie81 · 28/03/2011 23:37

Im 30 in a month. Asked them to an event which costs £35.

My friends who are a couple have complained to me that £35 is quite alot to spend on one event. Despite them doing the following :

  • Having a wedding on a cruise next year where guests are expected to pay for their attendance, in excess of £500 per person
  • Recent birthday of the female friend in the couple costing over £35 in meal/cinema/gig/travel (NOT a 30th!!!)

Im 30, Ive just had a baby and havent had a bloody drink in a year! And they wont pay £35 for me, when they expect us to pay £500 to see them married?! They are tight, arent they? Im not BU?

PS
They are having the cruise wedding as its cheaper for them as they pay an excess and then just buy wedding clothes.

OP posts:
Bucharest · 29/03/2011 08:25

I would also make an excuse if I were being forced into something.

goodbyemrschips · 29/03/2011 08:27

You are asking them to a party then expecting them to pay for it?

mmmmmmmm I know what I would say.

I don't think so,

Original poster
Mammie81 · 29/03/2011 08:38

But its ok for them to ask the same of me for her birthday, and then for the wedding which will also involve travel and present costs?

OP posts:
Bucharest · 29/03/2011 08:43

No, of course not.
I'd be telling them straight it was a no-go. Yours is less costly, so I'd make an excuse,but I wouldn't go to either.
Being forced to participate in someone else's event is my own personal idea of hell. Tripled if I have to pay for it as well!

Jogon · 29/03/2011 08:46

This is precisely why I ensure all our friends are in a similar financial position to us Grin

Rosedee · 29/03/2011 08:47

No ones saying it's ok for them to ask that of you, just more fool you if you pay for it. They've said they don't want to pay for your birthday you can't force them same as they can't force you to spend 500 quid on their wedding.

Original poster
Mammie81 · 29/03/2011 08:49

Like I said, I dont mind if thats the reason they cant go. But I know they would love this event, they've spoken about doing it before. If £35 is too much for them, why ask others to spend that on her birthday. And with the wedding to come!

OP posts:
Flower1000 · 29/03/2011 08:49

No one really knows what's going on with others from a financial perspective so they might be skint due to wedding, or they might just be being tight.

I'd take it at face value, if they can't afford it then they don't have to attend. Same as their wedding, if you can't afford it, then don't attend. Each situation is different.

For their 35 quid they get a meal etc etc, for your 500 quid I presume you get a cruise?

Still, I'd be a bit narked at them so I don't think YABU

Ciske · 29/03/2011 08:56

Perhaps your group of friends should stop trying to push eachother into debt over what are meant as 'celebrations' and throw the kind of parties where everyone can have a good time and not worry about the costs.

BecauseImWorthIt · 29/03/2011 08:57

I think they are being tight about not coming to your birthday if it's costing £35 - unless they really don't have the funds. It is, of course, everyone's right to decide if they do or don't come to a social event, so there's not much you can do about it.

Is there any way you can ask them if it is just about the money or if they're making some kind of statement about their friendship with you? If it's both of them, then it will be double, and presumably there are likely to be other costs in the evening that could rack up a much bigger bill in the end?

You need to tell them how disappointed you feel about their refusal to attend.

However to compare your birthday (even if it your 30th) with their wedding is unreasonable. Hopefully you will have a birthday from here on in every year, whereas (equally hopefully!) they will only be celebrating one wedding. Of course spending on a wedding is going to be more excessive.

But again - doesn't mean you have to go to their wedding either. If it's going to cost you £1000 then that really is a lot of money - and I'm sure they are 'hoping' that you will attend rather than 'expecting' them to attend.

If they are such good friends of yours, and you really want to see them to celebrate your birthday, is there a cheaper way to do it? Could you invite them over to your place and drink Champagne together?

You need to tell them how they feel - they may be so wrapped up in their own plans that they haven't really thought about you. Sorry to say.

Original poster
Mammie81 · 29/03/2011 08:58

The guy in the couple is known for being tight. So when he said '35 quid is a bit much for a birthday', i was able to say didnt you just ask me to spend that on your girlfriend?

OP posts:
Slightlyreluctantexpat · 29/03/2011 09:01

Are you in a group where all the social events are relatively expensive? To my mind, a birthday meal costing 35 pounds per head could end up being around 200 pounds per couple after presents, taxis, other drinks, or whatever, are factored in.

It's not surprising if some people decline some of the invitations. It might be a lean month. They might be saving. They might not like the restaurant.

I'm not sure how much I would link your birthday to their wedding. You've had a lot of notice of their wedding, so that's good. If the cost of it is irritating you, then decline.

But, couldn't you all celebrate without expecting so much money from one another??

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 29/03/2011 09:03

x post with ciske regarding the expensive celebrations!

Original poster
Mammie81 · 29/03/2011 09:04

I have changed the event to something else actually. As I really wanted them to come. The previous one didnt have meal costs though. You take food, i was going to make a picnic.

OP posts:
confuddledDOTcom · 29/03/2011 09:38

Sounds just like what I wanted to do for my birthday! It was £35 including food and drink, just up the road so no travel. He never got around to booking it and no one who bothered to reply could do the dates we were looking at (it was on special for the month of my birthday).

I'm glad I'm not the only one who goes out for birthdays and splits the cost without the birthday person! That happens on both sides of our families and our friends. If some drink excessively or have more in the way of starters then we take that cost off, split the remainder and share the excessive bit between the people who ran it up. Usually it works out fair like that.

BonzoDooDah · 29/03/2011 09:44

Yup - they're being tight arses!

And I am utterly gobsmacked at the cost of their wedding. Do they not want any guests?

confuddledDOTcom · 29/03/2011 09:48

Sorry hit send too soon. I don't think YABU, you're going a long way for them and they can't be bothered to go out for your birthday. Someone said you get a cruise for your money but did you actually want to go on a cruise? Did you want to spend £1000 on your holiday this year?

My wedding is going to cost people £35, it's the only cost involved, there are no food/drink costs, we're stating no gifts (and not that "no really, we don't want anything, but give us money if you really must" that you often see) it's local, they don't need new clothes for it (no they don't before anyone argues, because of what we're doing they should be turning up in jeans or whatever they feel comfortable in) and I feel horrible about it! We're thinking about making a discount system for how many people in a group and subbing it.

lesley33 · 29/03/2011 09:51

It does sound like they are being tight.

LoveLeonardCohen · 29/03/2011 09:54

It is quite tight. £35 isn't that much if it is all in. Grrrr....i'd be fuming if I'd been invited to a wedding where I had to pay £500. Do you have to go op? Any way to get out of it, say you can't afford it!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 29/03/2011 10:15

I think they are being tight, if they asked the same of you very recently.

As for the wedding, £1000 pounds (poss more for baby!)plus travel costs, clothes (more than one outfit I would guess particularly if a 'nice' Hmm cruise) and a gift. Will you actually be able to afford a holiday of your own this year???

I would be seriously reconsidering attending send them anice gift and tell them you'll take the out for a drink when you get home...

(How old is your baby and how much as a family will you get out of the 'cruise')

TartyMcFarty · 29/03/2011 10:20

I think if you're asking people to pay to celebrate your birthday with you, you have to accept that they may opt out, whether that's a meal or an activity. Ditto the wedding though. I seriously would not pay to attend anyone's wedding.

Northeastgirl · 29/03/2011 10:33

I doubt they'll be expecting everyone to join them on a cruise. That's unrealistic. £35 per head doesn't sound excessive for a birthday meal, but it sounds like they are using the cost as an excuse.

plopplopquack · 29/03/2011 10:36

They are being stingy.

Bottleofbeer · 29/03/2011 10:39

Honestly? I hate it when people say why can't they pay XYZ for such and such an event yet have paid out XYZ for another.

It's their money, what they spend it on is nobody else's business to be honest.

I couldn't have afforded £70 for a night out when I was shelling out for my wedding. You're not being forced to go, you just have to say you can't afford it.

My BIL is getting married in August, the bride's sister recently contacted me outlining the plan for the hen do. One night out is going to cost £130 even before drinks. She excuses the high cost of this one night out with it being "once in a lifetime" - uhmmm yeah so was mine (hopefully) but I didn't spend that much and would have felt a right cheeky cow even asking others to hand over that kind of money. So, I won't be going. She can think I'm "tight" all she likes, I'm bringing up four kids and have my priorities right.

cumbria81 · 29/03/2011 10:39

what's the all day event you've organised? Maybe it's something they really don't want to do and they are using money as an excuse