to have sent 4 yo dd to bed with no story for this..

[camperli]

Having dinner in a hotel and had (pre) ordered a fancy dessert for dd.
She was off having a play in the kids' playroom when dessert came and when she came back I offered her mine (same as we had ordered for her) as they had not brought hers and I was too full to eat all of mine.

DD refused to eat mine and insisted at length on having her own. Eventually I thought, well, we have ordered and paid for it so we may as well get it, so I asked for hers to be brought. They brought a child sized version of mine, not so pretty or so much. She tasted one bite and then pushed it away and said she didn 't like it and wouldn't try any more.

I'm afraid I saw red, marched her to our room immediately and sent her to bed with no story. When asked by very tearful dd why she was being sent to bed, I answered that her behaviour had been selfish and greedy, but I'm not sure that that is an explanation a 4 year old can understand. She has fallen straight asleep.

I am still really angry, but don't know how to explain this come tomorrow morning. Also not sure if my reaction is appropriate.

....also my children have been eating regularly in restaurants since they were babies. With due decorum!

If our kids are not born knowing right from wrong, or how to exersize self control, respect others etc etc -

& the foundations for later behaviour are laid down by the age of 3 (plenty of phsyco- babble studies out there indicate that to be fact) why on earth would disciplining a 4 year old over such behaviour be UR

reading the number of responses on here that genuinely seem to think the OP is wrong to discipline a 4 yr old for this sort of behaviour tells me that sadly way to many of you take the "lazy parenting" route, preferring to stick your heads in the sand pretending "oh poor babies too young to know better/understand whats wrong" - of course they don't understand - if WE as parents don't take our responsibilities SERIOUSLY & TEACH THEM

sadly I've seen the results of parents who take the idle "children should be free sprits" they don't understand approach & trust me you do your children no favours at all :(

The OP is BU because she is a hypocrite.

She ordered a pudding which she did not eat because she was too full. By her own admission she only took one bite of it.

Her DD on the other hand didn't like it. She didn't say she was too full to eat it.

It was the OP who was greedy and had 'eyes bigger than her belly', for ordering a pudding she knew she was too full to eat, her daughters only crime was not liking something which she had been promised and pre-ordered.

The OP tried to hide behind her own greed by changing the goal posts on her 4 year old who it seems was already tired.

If you are trying to teach young children right from wrong and respect, you do it by having strict boundaries, only making promises that you can keep and keeping any promises that you do make. It is also important to lead by example. You do not change goal posts at the last minute, and you do not indulge in hypocritical behaviour.

Of course no-one is perfect and anyone can behave is a less than ideal manner whether they are an adult or a four year old.

So people feel sorry for ds because he doesn't get pudding but think that encouraging him to decide what his appetite actually is before he asks for food is going to make him obese - no wonder the UK has such an obesity epidemic.

To answer some of the flaming responses in no particular order:

I don't make ds restrict his choices to things he tries off my plate beforehand - the OP's wasted dish and the one her dd ordered WERE THE SAME according to the OP. So it made sense for her to try the one that was already there in order to decide whether she liked it or not.

Ballstoit - Ds does not 'get presented with food in a portion that I think is suitable' . He gets asked what size portion of which of the foods on offer he would like. He then does not get to eat another of the dishes until he finishes that particular one. And yes, it is often the case that I ask him 'this much?' and he will say 'no, a bit less, then if I want I can have more'. Aren't all 4yo capable of this? If not, why not?

Ramona, sorry I came across as patronising. Perhaps you may want to rethink your statement that you know my son better than me in a similar light. Ds does indeed give a shit - we relate it to things that he cares about very much indeed. Why wouldn't he have a clue what we are on about? We explain it. That's what you do with dc, isn't it?

Harecare, why am I giving economists a bad name? Because I don't agree with the majority opinion that you should let a child unnecessarily order a duplicate of an item which is already on the table and then let it go to waste? If so happy to do so? :)

squeakytoy - sadly, dinner parties are a thing of the past since we have dcs :( No doubt my friends are relieved ;)

Alibaba - We just don't eat pudding. Sugar is just not really a big part of our shopping. Ds does get a treat every day (usually a piece of chocolate) when he gets home from school, which he can eat whenever he chooses. Sometimes he chooses to have it after dinner, but not usually.

lenak by the same warped reasoning it could be said that you are a hypocrite if you make your unwilling Child go to be at an earlier time than yourself?? - but that wouldn't of course be so , because YOU are the ADULT & they are Children so in any sensible household different rules apply

Rockinhippy It was my view that OP was being UR because her dd ate some of her own pudding then said she didn't want it.
I would view that as mildly annoying from my dc's, but then they wouldn't get something they have demanded.
I also would not order myself a pudding and not them.
OP was BUR for sending her dd to bed for not eating her pudding.
(Or did I read the whole OP wrong?)

go to bed ...doh

Same here as regards my own DD not getting something demanded -

but I really wouldn't have a problem with ordering a pudding for myself & not my DD, because I know she would be very VERY unlikely to eat a whole pudding - she's a grazer with food & rarely eats large quantities in 1 sitting & would gladly just share mine - though we rarely order puddings either - just not something any of us are that bothered about

I think what annoyed the OP was that her daughter refused to share her pudding, demanded ('at length', she said) her own, then refused to eat more than a bite. Her 'crime' was not the not-liking part, it was this rather spoilt-sounding behaviour.

I think you sound barking tbh and very unreasonable.

rockinhippy

"I go to bed later because I am an adult and need less sleep"

is not the same as

"I can order and not eat a pudding I am too full to eat just because I am an adult but you cannot have something you have been promised just because you are a child and you will be punished for not liking it"

Again: OP was not angry because her DD didn't like the pudding, but because despite being offered some of her mother's she demanded her own, only to leave it.

I'm more and more on the OP's side as this thread progresses, TBH.

I'm reading the same first post that you are BringBackGoingForGold as thats exactly my understanding of it too -

the rest is irrelevant really, the OP is IMHO being a bit hard on herself for thinking she was BU for disciplining "princessy" behaviour in her 4yr old

I think YABU. I take great issue with DS when he refuses point blank even to try something before insisting he doesn't like it. But your DD did actually have some and said she didn't like it. It's not her fault that you ordered it specially/it cost loads/it was fancy.

Just apologise in the morning, explain that you were upset because you ordered it especially for her, but that you were wrong to send her to be with no story.

Children appreciate honesty and owning up to mistakes - it helps them know that they themselves are allowed to make mistakes and don't need to be stubborn about it.

bit baffled by the hard time the OP is being given here. Probably a bit of an over reaction on her part but hardly Cruela-esque.

Bringbackgoingforgold - yes that's it.

The issue is that the DD DEMANDED an IDENTICAL dessert to one that was already being offered, THEN refused to eat more than a mouthful.

All this talk of eating disorders is frankly bonkers.

The only reason the child got the second pudding was because it had already been ordered, or at least that's the way I read it.

Eventually I thought, well, we have ordered and paid for it so we may as well get it, so I asked for hers to be brought.

The op could have said no.

Could have said no, in theory, but in practice the child demanded the pudding 'at great length' according to the OP.

OP is never coming back! Not surprised.

Eco, I think I read the OP differently to you. It is my understanding that the OP had pre ordered a specific SPECIAL desert for her DD. It is my assumption that the OP had told the DD about this special dessert and had probably built it up a bit. I would be interested to know if this is the case. Because if it is, then I really don't think the child can be blamed at all for insisting on her SPECIAL dessert. At that age, you have a notion of what it might be. Even if the OP told her it was going to be the same as hers, imagine her disappointment when it turned up and was half the size.
I just think to call the behaviour princessy is cruel. The kids was tired. There was probably great anticipation for this dessert, and if she didn't actually like it, or was too tired to care, its not actually her fault.

I would agree that if you went to a restaurant and your child wanted the dessert you had but refused to try a mouthful of yours to see if they liked it first, then refused to eat theres when it arrived, it is grounds for being fed up and giving a lesson on waste.

I genuinely do not think the situation with the OP is comparable to the above scenario though. But as I say, we'd need the OP to clarify.

Yes, I think a 4 year old is capable of understanding about waste, but not in quite the way you seemed to suggest in your post, in which you related it to world economics. I think children at that age find it difficult to even hold in their heads the concept of our "world". But of course it may be your DS is particularly advanced in this respect.

yes BringBack & also in a "treat" situation so even easier for the OP to think, it won't hurt to give in this once - let alone the OPs probable embarrassment of being in a restaurant situation with a stropping DD demanding pudding - I'm sure we've all been there

Amazed there seems to be so few of us that can see that for what it is & not think the OP was being UR

I think your reaction was a little harsh (to be honest).

You could have handled things differently...for instance, asking her what she wanted to have as a dessert. Perhaps she would have liked some icecream!After all you were staying in a hotel so it should have been a bit of a special occasion.

I think you should make it up to her....and apologise to her definately.

Ramona I think sometimes we don't give our Kids enough credit for what they DO have capability to understand -

at 2,1/2 my own DD was lying to me about my DH "Daddy didn't go to work Mummy, he went to see other Ladies" I knew this to be absolutely not true, so asked he why she lied - her reply " I don't want Daddy to go to work & I thought if I told you that you wouldn't let him go & we could all be home together" - okay DD was a very early talker - but the little brain that came up with that quite mind blowing scheme was still a baby - so by 4????

Ramona - I see what you mean, I do read the OP differently from you. Will have to wait for clarification on that one.

I'm not sure whether ds is advanced for his age or not, but he most definitely does have a clear concept of the 'world' - but then again he has near relatives in 7 countries in 4 continents and has travelled more than his fair share. When we talk about poor people in the third world he has seen what it looks like first hand, so not quite as abstract an idea as it would be for others his age.

funnily enough eco we've travelled quite a bit with DD too, & like your DS she's seen that kind of poverty first hand - & by that age & even younger she had a perfect understanding of it all

& yes Ramona I'm reading the OP differently too - thinking that might explain the strong difference of opinions on this thread now - I too hope the OP comes back & clarify's :)

YABU. You have over reacted and your DD din't deserve her punishment imo. I think you should drop it entirely tomorrow though. No doubt she'll have forgotten so why drag it up again. If she brings it up I think you owe her an apology for sending her bed early.

You ordered a dessert - you tried a bit, was too full, and then didn't eat it.
Your DD ordered a dessert - she tried it and didn't like it, so didn't eat it.

Where is the difference?

You punished your daughter for doing exactly the same as what you yourelf had just down a few minutes earlier. How fair is that?