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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

As a mum, how do you feel when a stranger touches your baby, gets hold of their hands/squeezes their cheeks etc..?

117 replies

MaisyMooCow · 23/03/2011 21:13

Tonight on the bus home I was sat near a woman and her baby. The girl next to them was smiling and chatting to the baby and as she approached her stop she took hold of the baby's hand, gave it a gentle squeeze and a wiggle and said goodbye to the baby. I saw the mum's face and she threw this girl a look of disgust. The girl didn't notice, she was fixed on the baby.

As a mum, how do you feel about strangers doing this?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 23/03/2011 22:48

I never touch strange babies-but threads where the mother thinks the baby should be in a sterile bubble always tempt me!

ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 23/03/2011 22:50

I think I'm just concerned about people who wouldn't be so kind as to stroke them but would do other things? I prefer my cats to be a bit wary of strangers! (Unfortunately this is from experience - a cat of my mothers was held under a muddy oily puddle by some twattish stranger! The cat was ok once it got over the shock (and had a good 50 baths or so).

BulletWithAName · 23/03/2011 22:50

I always stop and stroke a cat if I see one! There's a little cat who follows us halfway down the road when we see him, my DC love him. I wish we could have a cat of our own Sad

BabyGiraffes · 23/03/2011 23:06

I would very much draw the line at strangers kissing my babies on the mouth Shock or shoving their hands into my baby's mouth Shock! I have never minded the tickling, cooing etc. but have on a few occasions had a baby wipe ready to discreetly wipe my baby's hands because quite frankly the fingers being offered for the baby to grab and hold on to were sometimes very noticeably grimy...
As for hand sanitiser Hmm I am pretty sure they are not meant to be used on babies!

Disasterpiece · 23/03/2011 23:08

I visibly cringe when strangers touch my baby. I admit I absolutely hate it. They dont go round touching and stroking adults so why do it to children. I just dont get it.

I am getting better about it and have now stopped physically turning myself or the pram away from them. I just dont like being in the situation where someone might touch him.

Its not even because of possible germs. I just dont like it.

Yes I am very, very precious over him.

My excuse is that he has been very, very poorly and I am suffering from PTSD from it.

Flame me if you like, thats fine but the OP asked how I feel about strangers touching my son. This is how I feel about it.

GotArt · 23/03/2011 23:51

Exposing them to germs blah blah blah, whatever... how many people don't wash their hands after using the toilet... its these sort of thoughts that go through my head when a stranger touches DD's hands. My grannie always left a big shit streak ON the toilet seat and NEVER washed her hands after, and this was when she was only 65. I usually give DD's hands a good wipe with a diaper wipe soon after coming in direct contact with strangers. I love that our grocery store has disinfectant wipes to wipe the cart handle because I am known to take them with and wipe them down.

What does really bug me is the offering of food, like a grape, cookie or dried fruit or sweet for that matter that gets me. They show it to DD first, then ask her if she wants it, then looks at me and asks if its OK. Hmm

I pet cats when out if they come up to me, but hate petting dogs. Not sure why. If I do end up giving a dog a pet, its all I can do not to wipe my hands within seconds of doing it.

CheerfulYank · 24/03/2011 00:11

Exoticfruits for some reason the phrase "in the same category for touching" made me burst into giggles. :) I agree, though.

I don't mind at all, personally. And I love little babies, but I don't usually touch ones I don't know for precisely this reason.

lesley33 · 24/03/2011 00:16

I love seeing young babies and although i don't, I also really want to touch them e.g. put my finger in their hand. It feels like such a natural thing to do but I hold back from strangers babies and just smile as I am afraid of negative reactions from the mother. And I'm not an old lady - I'm 43 with 4 grown up children.

BaggedandTagged · 24/03/2011 00:27

I don't mind, which is probably a good thing, as in Asia babies are public property, and gweillo babies doubly so, just because of the novelty factor.

Tbh, re germs I figure that DS rolls around on the floor, picks toys off the floor and puts them in his mouth, then gives them to his friends who put them in their mouths, and then he takes them back. I dont think a hand squeeze or cheek stroke from a stranger in a lift is going to harm him. If anything, it's the stranger who should be worried Grin

yonker · 24/03/2011 00:29

My DS was born in Paris, lived there until 4 and a half, now 18 months in Italy. In Paris all the older ladies would ask to look in the pram, followed by a bit of poking and saying how lovely he was, then ask for a kiss. Here in Italy he runs the gauntlet everyday with neighbours, people who we know in the local shops etc., trying to have a kiss and cuddle. He is a bit of a narcissist and loves the attention most of the time. I have never really minded, he has turned out at 6 a very outgoing and affectionate boy, and I think this is partly the reason why. The germs aspect has never really occurred to me Blush, but in my defence the Parisian matrons were always very well turned out! I also enjoyed people saying how wonderful my baby was. So, as a Mum I don't mind, I like living somewhere where people can coo over babies and make the baby happy, their Mum proud (bit sickly I know), and for the 'cooers' brighten their day little to kiss a baby that probably reminds them of their own child/grandchild

Lulie110 · 24/03/2011 01:29

Stupid question but - do kiddies/toddlers notice when the random attention stops?

BertieBotts · 24/03/2011 01:43

Not really Lulie - they spend ages when they're just coming into the social phase smiling and cooing at people only to be ignored. So by the time it stops completely they are used to it.

Also they're usually more interested by then in what everyone else is doing and pointing that out Blush than who is interested in them!

Lulie110 · 24/03/2011 01:46

Ah, thanks for clarification! Had a sudden fear that one day they'd be met with 'rejection'!

4FoxAche · 24/03/2011 07:24

What I don't like is when someone comes over to coo over the baby but completely ignores the toddler.

I can see him peering over in the pram with a bi smile on his face waiting for them to say hello, but when they are done cooing over the baby, they just woke up and the toddler looks really upset.

I've actually started keeping special toddler treats (chocolate buttons) in my pocket for him in these situations because it happens so damn often.

So no, I don't mind it if you come over to talk/coo/stroke the baby but at least make an effort to say hello to the toddler please.

4FoxAche · 24/03/2011 07:25

They just walk off and the toddler looks really upset. That should have read.

Crawling · 24/03/2011 07:43

Agree with 4FoxAche I dont mind you touching, stroking, or cooing at the baby (no kissing though) but dont ignore any older children.

DaisyDaresYOU · 24/03/2011 08:09

I don't know about adults but a snotty nosed dirty kid kissed my dd on the mouth as a newborn in the docs,then she started scratching her head when she sat on her -chav- nans knee and she said'oh dear I thought your mum had got rid of them' grrr! Lucky my dd was wearing a hat.I think it's rude to let your child put its head in a babys buggy and play with its dummy aswell

Bucharest · 24/03/2011 08:16

Poor old people eh? Damned if they do, damned if they don't.
For every thread where someone says "oh wasn't that old biddy lovely to my PFB" there's another that says "how very dare that old biddy even look at my baby".

octopusinabox · 24/03/2011 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 24/03/2011 08:29

I didn't like anyone getting right into DS's face when he was a baby. No randoms attempted to kiss him, so that was ok - I wouldn't have liked that. hand - patting, little squeeze, holding his fingers - no problem
feet - same
face - stroking, cheek patting - no problem

But one thing that would have seriously pissed me off is if anyone had tried to pinch his cheek - it fucking hurts! not for everyone, I grant you - I had a friend at school who had a very elastic face - but I do not, Ds does not and it is really bloody sore when someone does that cheek-pinching thing between thumb and forefinger knuckle. Just as well no one tried it!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 24/03/2011 08:31

I used to mind a lot. DD was born in Oman so, as a blonde very pale child she was a novelty. I never minded people smiling at her or even touching her arms but the ones who touched her on the hands which she promptly put into her mouth. I blame those for the dysentry that she had. Three times.
When we moved to Thailand it used to really get my back up when people tried to photograph her. I don't know why, and I know it is irrational, but why would you want a photograph of a random child?

NinkyNonker · 24/03/2011 08:32

Fine by me.

otchayaniye · 24/03/2011 08:35

I love it. When I lived in Asia waitresses would pick her up from very young and take her off my hands for ages!

I am about as ungermy phobic (read, dirty cow) as it's possible to get.

otchayaniye · 24/03/2011 08:36

Oh kreecher, my daughter gets photographed all the time. Only by Asians though. Although I wouldn't do it myself, and I get a momentary frisson, I don't really mind.

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 24/03/2011 08:38

I love the attention that DD gets, Tesco runs now take at least 15minutes longer as we get stopped by all the old dears having a coo. It makes them happy, it costs nothing and I think you have to be a right miser to not like it. As for germs, I am still working on remembering to get my toddler to wash his hands when he comes in from park,playground, garden (softplay being the only one I am militant about for some reason), so germs don't really bother me.