AIBU or just moaning?

[newbeemummy]

Ok, I?m prepared to be flamed for this, and maybe I just need to rant to get it off my chest.

DP and I have swapped traditional roles, in that I work FT and he is the SAHP, for the main part this arrangement works well, as I earn more than he did in his last job (mind you if he did a job that he could easily do but not enjoy, he could easily earn a lot more than me, but he?s never been career motivated)

Anyway my job is hard work, I often have to leave the house at 6:30am to get to a customer site on time, and I often don?t get back until 7:30pm. I find my job is mentally taxing and I currently feel stressed up to the eye balls doing a job I dislike and the pressure of having to work extra hard to earn enough money to pay bills, save for a deposit, pay for DP?s rather expensive hobby.

Often when I get home DP will ask how I am and I will say I?m exhausted. Up at 5:45 to walk to the station at 6:30 to catch a 7am train, and then a 15 minute walk on the other side to get to site before 9am, and then the same on the way home, and I often have to catch up on emails etc when I?m at home in the evening as some customers are really funny about me doing other work while they pay for my time which is understandable. DP will then respond he?s also had a hard day woken up at 7:30am, and had to entertain DD all day and do the grocery shopping.

Now I don?t want to belittle what he does, because he does cook dinner and almost always washes up too, but to be honest I?m getting a bit annoyed with the whole my day is as bad as yours. He spends 2 hours a day watching telly because that?s when DD naps, his days involve going to play groups, having coffee with other mums, going to the park etc. He?s now talking about putting DD into Nursery for 2 -3 half days a week so he can get some ?me time? which means I?m now getting pressurised to change jobs so that I can get more money, which would mean a lot more travelling for me, so even less time with DD.

I know I?m being horribly ungrateful, but I?m just so fed up, I feel like I?m sacrificing everything and getting nothing in return.

competitive tiredness, it's a killer

I've tried that SecondComing, as soon as I mention trading places he says he couldn't do a job that woukd earn what I can - when I know he could.

Can you reduce your hours and he could do some part time work so you both get a break?

OP - you are living my life!

Surely he can get a job to cover nursery fees? If he wants DD to go to nursery then he could always try finding a job to fit in with her hours and cover the cost?

Repost and change the genders you'd get slaughtered.

'Now I don?t want to belittle what she does, because she does cook dinner and almost always washes up too, but to be honest I?m getting a bit annoyed with the whole my day is as bad as yours'

If he posted this on here posing as a female the snwers would be quite different.

I think the same applies if the DP is a man or a woman, and I know you have a stressful time as well, but just because he physically works in a different way to you, the pressure he's under is kind of similar.

It's not easy whatever you do being 'on call' to a very demanding other person, a person who you love beyond anything but who has a fearsome temper when things don't go their way

He's being a bit cheeky when you work such long hours out of the house asking you to change jobs and see your daughter less just so he can have more 'me time'.

If you're not happy with what he's suggesting you have to tell him.

You're not being ungrateful, he's taking you for granted in that respect.

Hi Scurry - no chance of reducing my hours - it's full time or not at all.

I did ask my company when I retruned from Mat Leave if I could do my 40 hours in 4 days and have a day off a week, or even just work reduced a number of days, but they told me there was no way they coudl support that. and I do understand that, most of our customers want a 5 day week engagement with us.

Maybe he feels he needs to justify himself???

It's not a competition and you are both presumably trying to achieve the same thing - a happy and stable home for you and your DD.

You are feeling pressured in a job with long hours that you don't enjoy and he presumably is feeling the effects of being a SAHP and feels the need to validate this new role by constantly stating how hard he is working.

You both need to give each other a break - assume that the other person is working hard and stop trying to score points off each other.

You are both doing a good job - compliment each other and yourselves and start working together to see how you could make small changes to make things run more smoothly for both of you.

I was expecting to be flamed for exactly that reason, if I was a man posting about my DW, I would have been strung up by my danglies by now.

Agent I'm a bit confused by what you mean by "It's not easy whatever you do being 'on call' to a very demanding other person, a person who you love beyond anything but who has a fearsome temper when things don't go their way"
We've never fought or argued about it, I just get a bit annoyed and wish he'd appreciate what I do.

We did look at him doing something part time, so we could afford nursery but basically he wants the time off so he can persue his hobby, and keeps saying (rightly so) that even working part time he wouldn't earn enough to pay for DD to go to nursery without me having to find a way to earn more money.

I don't think this is so much about what he does more about what he is expecting.

If he wants to put dd into nursery he needs to come up with a better plan than you changing jobs (you also do not need to add to your already high stress levels.

|He could do something part time and put dd into childcare with that money.

As for financing his expensive hobby do you have equal access to time and money for your hobbies.

I'm a SAHM, I appreciate my dh working with me to allow one of us to stay at home whilst the children are young. However neither of us have expensive hobbies and we work as a couple to work out how to cover expenses (we have a small (equal) amount of spending money each month for hobbies).

I think comparing stress levels will get you no where (being at home with your dd day in day out may not be as fulfilling as he would like) but ultimately you will have to find a solution.

I sympathise OP. And you aren't ungrateful. And totally unfair to expect you to work more to pay for nursery costs. When is your 'me time'?

I sympathise similarly with fathers who are expected to work stupid hours as the only earner.

OP I'm really sorry your post made me laugh - it's an incredibly complete role swap to me, you sound exactly like my DP while I was on mat leave! He never quite believed me when I said I was tired after looking after DS all day, not compared to his enormous stressfull workload.
Just like Hereforlife said!
I'm really sorry I don't know what advice to give you, all I can say is I don't think you should feel ungrateful.
I think he should.

hehe I nearly put 'I meant your DD not you OP' after that bit, but thought it'd look as though I was implying you were demanding

I meant it might look as though it's easy looking after children when you compare it to paid employment, but the psychological pressure can sometimes be bigger and there's no 'going home' to escape from it.

I am also the earner and my DH is at home. We went through a short phase of this, and it's horrible. We were both feeling really fed up, dog tired and undervalued by the other.

I don't know what to say except really listen to each other. Both roles are very hard. You each need to hear that from the other and be sympathetic and constructive about it.

He probably does need some regular free, adult time. My DH did, and is much the better for it. You need to make clear you are working at capacity so the adult time can't come at the cost of you doing longer hours. Your work time isn't a picnic, so you need some downtime too. It's a constant process of negotiation, I find, which isn't as bad as it sounds provided there is mutual appreciation and support.

I do childcare on my own Saturdays (am at least) so DH gets a break. I get a lie-in Sundays and come home early one weekday evening to cover an activity he does. He's crap in the mornings and I'm crap in the evenings.

There's no ability for either of us to have any more than that, and we've agreed that this is just the hard part of the early years and we'll tough it out together.

Hello!

YANBU.

I was thinking about this just t'other day. If (hopefully soon) we have children I will be, for a while at least, a S (and W) AHM. My DH is a police officer working 12 hour shifts. Now, being a SAHM is a demanding job and one of the pillars bearing up the structure of our society, but for the life of me I can't see that it's as wearying as what he'll be doing, or indeed a thousand other occupations that mean for hours and hours at a stretch you are out of the house, can't eat, get have a cuppa, rarely sit down, etc.

That being said it always puzzles me that SAHMs are so keen to emphasise that it is wearying and awful and so on (not all, clearly!). I mean isn't it OK to enjoy being at home with your children?! Why does everything need to be a cause for complaint to be worthwhile?

Erm. I'm rambling. YAN, to summarise, BU

get can't have a cuppa

He loves being a SAHP, and hates the idea of going back to work, we have discussed that before, he keeps saying once DD get's to school going age he may look at doing spomething part time to fit in with School pick ups etc (although does keep reminding me we'll hopefully have DC2 by then, so it could be longer before he returns to work.)

Don't get me wrong I know how hard having a 17 month old all day can be, I tend to look after her all weekend, to give him a break from it, and I did do 6 month mat leave, but she was at a very easy stage then, so I do know he's not just sitting on his arse all day watching telly.

Agent now I understand - sorry having a bit of a dense moment there

@doris I don't really get time to myself, so I don't really have a hobby anymore, and I know how tight money is so I hate spending money on myself. I know that's my own fault, but I just feel a tremendous guilt even when I have to spend money (like a new suit for work as the other one has been worn at least 2 days a week for almost a year and is really falling apart)

You should work harder so he can have more shiny things!

@ EldritchCleavage thanks for the advice, I'll try having a chat with him and see what we can do to sort it out.

I did raise the idea of him taking DD down stairs one morning at the weekend so that I could get a bit of a lie in.
And he just looked at me and said "you know that's never going to happen." I am generally lucky if he gets up and makes coffee and DD's bottle at the weekend (which I do all week and leave on his beside cabinet before I head off to work) he has admitted to lying there with his eyes shut because he knows I will get up and do it once I hear DD is awake.

BlooferLady - come back her when you've had your children and you may well have an different opinion. Believe me , being a SAHM IS the hardest job I've ever had and I adore my DCs.