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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or just moaning?

100 replies

newbeemummy · 22/03/2011 15:32

Ok, I?m prepared to be flamed for this, and maybe I just need to rant to get it off my chest.

DP and I have swapped traditional roles, in that I work FT and he is the SAHP, for the main part this arrangement works well, as I earn more than he did in his last job (mind you if he did a job that he could easily do but not enjoy, he could easily earn a lot more than me, but he?s never been career motivated)

Anyway my job is hard work, I often have to leave the house at 6:30am to get to a customer site on time, and I often don?t get back until 7:30pm. I find my job is mentally taxing and I currently feel stressed up to the eye balls doing a job I dislike and the pressure of having to work extra hard to earn enough money to pay bills, save for a deposit, pay for DP?s rather expensive hobby.

Often when I get home DP will ask how I am and I will say I?m exhausted. Up at 5:45 to walk to the station at 6:30 to catch a 7am train, and then a 15 minute walk on the other side to get to site before 9am, and then the same on the way home, and I often have to catch up on emails etc when I?m at home in the evening as some customers are really funny about me doing other work while they pay for my time which is understandable. DP will then respond he?s also had a hard day woken up at 7:30am, and had to entertain DD all day and do the grocery shopping.

Now I don?t want to belittle what he does, because he does cook dinner and almost always washes up too, but to be honest I?m getting a bit annoyed with the whole my day is as bad as yours. He spends 2 hours a day watching telly because that?s when DD naps, his days involve going to play groups, having coffee with other mums, going to the park etc. He?s now talking about putting DD into Nursery for 2 -3 half days a week so he can get some ?me time? which means I?m now getting pressurised to change jobs so that I can get more money, which would mean a lot more travelling for me, so even less time with DD.

I know I?m being horribly ungrateful, but I?m just so fed up, I feel like I?m sacrificing everything and getting nothing in return.

OP posts:
minipie · 22/03/2011 16:41

Seems to me he can have either the expensive hobby or the me-time. You can't (as a family) afford both. Asking you to earn more and spend more time away from your DD just so that he can have both is, IMO, absolutely not on.

Agree with the comments about competitive tiredness. Either you are happy with your current set up (in which case competitive complaining is just destructive) or you are not happy (in which case you need to change it, complaining won't help).

Re BlooferLady's comments, I think the demanding-ness of being a SAHP is different to being at work. I currently work in the City and fully expect that being a SAHP would be much less stressful, in that I would not be expected to come up with intelligent advice, prepare work to a high standard, respond to emails instantly, etc. On the other hand it would be much more boring and physically tiring and constant. So, swings and roundabouts.

Skinit · 22/03/2011 16:41

It's ok to be tired...and resentful as long as you can both fix this together. Can you do less hours and he get a part time job?

schmee · 22/03/2011 16:51

OP - the "social life" that you have with children is the bit that keeps you sane. At work you have meetings, you speak to people in the corridor, you email (albeit workstuff), you grab a coffee. If you are a SAHP you could go for days and days with no adult human contact and it will drive you mad.

EldritchCleavage · 22/03/2011 17:09

I did raise the idea of him taking DD down stairs one morning at the weekend so that I could get a bit of a lie in.
And he just looked at me and said "you know that's never going to happen."

Oh no no no no no. You are doing all weekend childcare? That's working 7 days a week. Not sustainable and definitely not equitable. You NEED a lie-in one day of the weekend. It will make a huge difference to how you feel at work during the week if you get this. As a family you need time together, all three of you, on some leisure activity (even just going to the park), if not every weekend then most of them. Please do insist on this.

And you may find that the odd very early night for, ahem, 'quality time' followed by midnight pizza works wonders for both your moods.

More seriously if all tasks are allocated to one of you, even fairly, then you can end up doing everything separately, even all parenting. DH insisted on some things being shared i.e. to be done together, and he was right. We share chores a lot in the evenings and when DS is in bed and find it makes the work more bearable, as well as giving us time to talk to one another.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 22/03/2011 21:08

In that case, newbee, you need to get it.

You should share the lie-ins. H and I (I am SAHM) have a lie in each on the weekends, and if we want to do something alone, we do it. Generally, he will take the kids out alone at some point at the weekend, but if there's a cricket match on he will watch it, if he wanted to go out for the day, he could.

I think that the Working/SAH stuff is a red herring here - you have an imbalance about how much free time, or relaxing time you have. I would imagine that he is getting caught up in being with the children all the time and so wants that time off at the weekends, forgetting that you need time off as well. You need to talk to him.

NewPathways · 22/03/2011 21:12

Why are you paying for his expensive hobby?

If you can cut down your hours and knock that off the list you should. If he wants a hobby he can pay for it himself.

PrincessScrumpy · 22/03/2011 21:32

dh drives 2 hours a day to get to work, works really hard then rushed home to put dd to bed so he gets to see her. I work too (30 hours a week) but will become a SAHM after twins arrive in the summer. I would hate it if dh came home every night trying to make me feel guilty - not really teamwork.

I have had a full chat with dh about how he sees life and the roles we play - the fact I will be a rubbish housewife even if I am a SAHM. His only request is that I cook dinner for him as he says it's all he needs (I do that anyway).

If you hate your job, change it - don't blame dh - although I can see why you feel like this.

PrincessScrumpy · 22/03/2011 21:34

DH and I share lie ins. It's a partnership! (although now I'm pg with twins I get extra lie ins)

PenguinArmy · 22/03/2011 21:47

My DH is a SAHD and I feel for you. This situations isn't at all about competive tiredness but about him dictating how you should spend all your time.

We share the weekend responsibilties and we both have a couple of hours out the house as 'me time' DH sometimes uses his just to go have dessert at a fast food place and listen to his ipod.

Clytaemnestra · 22/03/2011 22:05

I have a 17 month old, and have just gone back to work after being a SAHP so can put myself in your DH's shoes quite easily.

And he's being extremely selfish.

His day is tough too, absolutely, but he's working the same hours as you with your DD, then, in effect, asking you to work weekends. If he's not doing childcare at the weekend at all and having lovely lie ins and pursuing his expensive hobby, THAT's his me time. When is your me time? Asking you to work harder in the week AND keep working weekends while he has two/three more days off to piss about is ridiculous.

MistyB · 22/03/2011 22:07

I haven't read the replies but adjusting to new roles and lower family income takes time and is stressful. Talk to each other (go out and do it over a bottle of wine!) and make things as easy as you can on each other - it's a tough time! It also changes over time so needs to be flexible, nothing can be set in stone. Money is emotive whether you are spending it or earning it, the discussions about how big the credit card bill is this month, how the are we going to pay for the car repairs are difficult.

northerngirl41 · 22/03/2011 23:45

I'm seeing a very easy answer to this... He has an expensive hobby - is there any way he could turn this into being a WAH business? That way, he can fit the hobby around the childcare arrangements until he's earning enough to put DD in nursery.

After all, he's spending time and money on the hobby anyway, shouldn't it at least be paying for itself?

TryingVeryHard · 23/03/2011 10:48

Yeah, that's one of the reasons why I was saying the husband seems unreasonable - the fact that you have to work so extremely hard to pay for his hobby - shouldn't he be grateful for that?

mayorquimby · 23/03/2011 11:11

"tell him if he's finding it tough and isn't enjoying it he needs to get a job and go back to work. see how he feels then"

Awaits similar advice being offered when the husband of a SAHM gives out about her moaning.

Quenelle · 23/03/2011 11:16

If he wants DD to go to nursery he can use his 'me time' to earn a few quid to pay for it, and his expensive hobby.

And you should both definitely have a lie-in each at the weekend. You're up at 5.30 every day and he's hanging around in bed until 7.30? And having a two hour break when DD naps?

He is being very selfish.

Laquitar · 23/03/2011 11:32

It seems to me that he has choosen to be SAHD to avoid working

EldritchCleavage · 23/03/2011 11:38

"It seems to me that he has chosen to be SAHD to avoid working"

Would you say this if the OP concerned a stay at home mother, Laquitar?

His choice to stay at home and do childcare is a perfectly valid, and valuable one. The fact that he is a man doesn't make it otherwise. Now he and OP are finding they need to refine and work out how to manage their new roles fairly. Recasting him as a freeloading no mark (which he isn't-from what he OP says he is doing a lot, if not perhaps quite enough) is not going to help the OP do that.

Laquitar · 23/03/2011 11:46

Yes, i would.

He doesn't seem to enjoy it.
He gets 2 hour break but still complains.
He doesn't give OP a break on weekends
He has expensive hobbies but not a mention about making any cash or even trying (many SAHMs try things for earning some cash, see several threads here)
He wants OP to change her job so he can put ds to nursery Hmm

Yes, he sounds lazy to me and it has nothing to do with gender.

TheSecondComing · 23/03/2011 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 23/03/2011 13:55

ERR really you lot? She pays for his expensive hobby because they are a partnership. She goes out and earns the money, he looks after their child.

Come on, if this were a man, there is no way we should suggest that the SAHM finds the money to pay for her own hobby.

Clearly there is an inequality here, and they need to sort that out. If he isn't happy being at home, or if the two of you are not happy with the way things are, then things need to change.

I am a SAHM, and think of putting DD into morning nursery for a couple of days. Because she would like it, because I could get the house decorated, not so I could sit around and watch daytime telly. Maybe this is what he means?

TheSecondComing · 23/03/2011 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop · 23/03/2011 14:12

At the very least you should be taking turns with weekend lie-ins.

The simple answer to his nursery question is that the funds just aren't available right now. There might possibly be enough if the expensive hobby was dropped or cut back on but otherwise it's not possible. If dd is 17mths old then it won't be all that long until she is eligible for a funded place. Until then your dp will just have to wait until either a Saturday or a Sunday for his "me-time" (not both days as one of those will be yours).

PenguinArmy · 23/03/2011 20:51

pfft would be asking or telling your DH to earn more so that could put her in nursery though?

zikes · 23/03/2011 20:55

How did it go, newbeemummy?

GotArt · 23/03/2011 21:30

"I do appreciate what he does, and I think it's great that he wants to do it. He has an incredibly active social life with DD, and there isn't a day when they're not off to see someone." I can see both sides of where he is coming from, as I too, as a SAHM, have an active social life, however, it revolves around activities geared towards DD for about 90% and therefore, not really much time away from the parenthood conversations, and that can get a wee bit boring TBH.
But that aside, you both have finite roles in the family, not much for cross over as you work outside the home for long hours and he is in the home for long hours. It took almost a year for me and DH to stop the competitive exhausted parent game, but now, we've found balance and understand that we needed to appreciate each others roles. I get to the gym in the mornings a few times a week too and he plays hockey twice a week, because we sucked it up and talked about what we needed to do to find balance for ourselves. (At our rec center, we are lucky to have a drop off 70 minute daycare to for $2 so if I feel I need a little time to go and work out or sit in the hot tub, I can). It sounds like you are almost there, but once you sort out intricacies, you'll both feel better appreciated and then that feeling will always get reciprocated.
What is his expensive hobby... I read the thread, so either I missed it or the question wasn't answered. Just curious.