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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or just moaning?

100 replies

newbeemummy · 22/03/2011 15:32

Ok, I?m prepared to be flamed for this, and maybe I just need to rant to get it off my chest.

DP and I have swapped traditional roles, in that I work FT and he is the SAHP, for the main part this arrangement works well, as I earn more than he did in his last job (mind you if he did a job that he could easily do but not enjoy, he could easily earn a lot more than me, but he?s never been career motivated)

Anyway my job is hard work, I often have to leave the house at 6:30am to get to a customer site on time, and I often don?t get back until 7:30pm. I find my job is mentally taxing and I currently feel stressed up to the eye balls doing a job I dislike and the pressure of having to work extra hard to earn enough money to pay bills, save for a deposit, pay for DP?s rather expensive hobby.

Often when I get home DP will ask how I am and I will say I?m exhausted. Up at 5:45 to walk to the station at 6:30 to catch a 7am train, and then a 15 minute walk on the other side to get to site before 9am, and then the same on the way home, and I often have to catch up on emails etc when I?m at home in the evening as some customers are really funny about me doing other work while they pay for my time which is understandable. DP will then respond he?s also had a hard day woken up at 7:30am, and had to entertain DD all day and do the grocery shopping.

Now I don?t want to belittle what he does, because he does cook dinner and almost always washes up too, but to be honest I?m getting a bit annoyed with the whole my day is as bad as yours. He spends 2 hours a day watching telly because that?s when DD naps, his days involve going to play groups, having coffee with other mums, going to the park etc. He?s now talking about putting DD into Nursery for 2 -3 half days a week so he can get some ?me time? which means I?m now getting pressurised to change jobs so that I can get more money, which would mean a lot more travelling for me, so even less time with DD.

I know I?m being horribly ungrateful, but I?m just so fed up, I feel like I?m sacrificing everything and getting nothing in return.

OP posts:
LouMacca · 22/03/2011 16:06

sorry here

TheSecondComing · 22/03/2011 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 16:07

If your DH lived and worked in a busy station which didn't have any structured personal time or space, was constantly asked pointless irrelevant questions, complained at endlessly, and he wasn't just able to clock off at night, I think that'd just about describe a small part of the pressure of staying at home looking after the kiddiewinks Bloofer.

And you try amusing bored energetic children from the crack of dawn until the sun goes down while it's pissing it down outside...I'd rather take my chances with one of those naughty criminals any day of the week.

It might look easy and smooth from the outside, but that's because we're good at our jobs Wink

zikes · 22/03/2011 16:07

What's dp's expensive hobby?

hmc · 22/03/2011 16:09

I'm a SAMH and notwithstanding that, I would say YANBU. Your lot is the harder one

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 16:11

You were on the defensive OP, totally understandable in AIBU Grin

PfftTheMagicDragon · 22/03/2011 16:12

What is it that you want?

The two of you seem to be working hard at competitive tiredness, and justifying to each other who works the hardest.

The reality is that you both perform roles that are useful to your family. Don't compare them in terms of physical tiring work, or hours put in, or the sleep you get. If he is pulling his weight, then you have nothing to complain about.

Is it that you want him to go back to work?

BlooferLady · 22/03/2011 16:14

Crikey! Grin I have plainly tempted the fates and shall end up with hyperactive quads and a nervous breakdown .

Of course I still don't really believe it's that bad....

exhausted2011 · 22/03/2011 16:14

It's harder than you think being the sahp
does he do the cleaning, washing, all the household stuff too?

TheSecondComing · 22/03/2011 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 16:19

Is it possible that your DH is just venting to you OP?

But because you're thinking he's not justified in complaining about anything when you're out at work all day, you're making less of what he's got up to in the day and any problems he might have?

Does he still get out to see other people? Because it can be quite isolating for some.

If he's not seen you all day and you disappear off to do more work, maybe he's missing you and wants to talk?

Aworryingtrend · 22/03/2011 16:20

IMO you are starting the ball rolling in this competitive tiredness game by replying "Exhausted" when he asks how you are when you get home. Why not put a more positive spin on it to say 'I'm glad to be home to see you and DD!" You may find that he then steps down on the competitive tiredness thing too. It was the one thing that stood out to me from your OP.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 16:20

You must be seriously backed up there TSC.

Not like to be around when you get a chance to have one Grin

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 22/03/2011 16:21

NewBeeMummy - I think it's always a bit 'the grass is greener' isn't it :(

I think it's important for both parents to have some 'time out to be me' - but what time does DD go to bed? She's only tiny, so I would assume it's not that late - so doesn't he have practically every evening?

Does he look after the house or do you do that?

I think this expensive hobby may have to go on hold until you have more money - whether that's a wanted promotion for you, a job for him or a lottery win. Lots of people have to put hobies on hold when they have small kids whether that's due to time constraints or financial ones!

Could he work a few evenings/a weekend day to bring in some additional money? Plenty do.

BlingLoving · 22/03/2011 16:22

I think you both have quite demanding jobs and you should be appreciating each other more. However, I have a problem with any parent who gets no down time. So the full time working DP who then comes home and immediately takes on all childcare while at home is being taken advantage of. Ditto, the SAHP who is with the DC all day and then has to continue to do all household tasks in the evening/weekend because he/she is at home and the full time working partner is exhausted is also being taken for a ride.

DH will be a SAHP. We've agreed to put DS into childcare at least one morning a week to start with so that he will get a break. That way, I will get a break on either Saturday or Sunday morning because he's had his few hours off by then and I haven't. Also, I will not have much say in my working hours, but will do whatever I can to get home twice a week early enough for DH to exercise as that's very important to him. But he also understands that I will still need my nights out with my girlfriends in town or doing work entertaining at least once a fortnight and that on those nights he will have to remain a "single" parent until I get home, probably quite late.

We both feel that having this baby is going to basically mean both of us will have to work harder for a few years.

Original poster
newbeemummy · 22/03/2011 16:22

@ Agent - I was prepared for abuse :)

@ Pfft - I want to be able to have some down time, I want time to myself to relax, I want to be able to take up my hobby again (which used to be something we did together). When asked how my day was I just want a bit of sympathy, not a competition of whose day is worst, If he says DD has been difficult, I always ask questions, but never say things liek well you won'r believe how crap my day has been.

I really don't mind if he's the SAHP, he's good at it DD loves her dad, and to be honest it means she's getting to spend almost all her time with one of her parents, which I think is a good thing.

@ exhausted he does most of it during the week and then I do bits at the weekend.

OP posts:
tinierclanger · 22/03/2011 16:24

He should give you a lie-in at the weekends. One day each, thats fair.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 22/03/2011 16:26

TSC - it's a bit different though isn't it. You are dealing with stroppy little madam, a very demanding (though absolutely gorgeous!) wee boy and a hormonal stressy teenager and DD...oops I mean DP Grin and DP is running for all of us right now so not there as much as the OP is!! The OP's DH has one toddler who still sleeps for 2 hours a day... and he doesn't even get up with her at the weekend.

Oh and that's the other thing OP - tell him he WILL be getting up with her one morning each weekend. He's and adult and a parent so he needs to do what he needs to do... 'I'm not a morning person' - 'tough shit - you are now'. End of.

Ormirian · 22/03/2011 16:27

"you are starting the ball rolling in this competitive tiredness game by replying "Exhausted" when he asks how you are when you get home. Why not put a more positive spin on it"!

LOL! How about 'delightfully weary!"

But I do agree. When you meet your partner after your days work (at home or away) and you could do with a bit of a boost, it's quite dispiriting to hear 'Gawd, I'm knackered!' But that goes both ways. I am sure you both are tired. But that can't really be helped at the moment. It will pass and pass quite soon IME.

But no you should NoT be considering taking on more work to pay for nursery care.

Original poster
newbeemummy · 22/03/2011 16:30

I will try not approaching the how am I doing with exhausted and see if that makes a difference.

I get about 30 minutes with DD before she goes to bed, and DP will either go off and excercise or start dinner (and he does always get me a cup of tea when I get home)

I do appreciate what he does, and I think it's great that he wants to do it. He has an incredibly active social life with DD, and there isn't a day when they're not off to see someone.

I don't think working evening or weekends would be a goer - I just know he would be dead set against it, and it would mean that DP and I would hardly see each other and I do love him and look forward to spending an evening with him after a rough day.

Ok so plan tonight go home, be nice, don't whinge about day and tell him how much I appreciate all he's doing.

OP posts:
Aworryingtrend · 22/03/2011 16:32

Good luck, NBM, I hope things pick up for you.

Original poster
newbeemummy · 22/03/2011 16:32

@ ChippingIn Grin that made me laugh.

OP posts:
zikes · 22/03/2011 16:34

I think Aworryingtrend & Ormirian are onto something: try to be more positive when you come in, and you'll likely get a more positive interaction going between you from the start, and he'll be more open to listening to you later on.

I also agree about not changing your job or taking more hours, you're obviously stretched enough and it would build more resentment. I'd look at making cuts elsewhere to budget for any time in nursery instead.

NinkyNonker · 22/03/2011 16:35

Dd is only 8 mo so not on the move yet, and I do find it wearing some days. But nowhere near as tiring as being at work, I suppose it depends on your jobs. I am 'busy' all day, in terms of being occupied, and as dd isn't a napper I don't get hours to myself. I do feel like I have to overblow how hard it is to DH sometimes, even though he wants me to be at home as much as I want to be here. I do let him know that I enjoy it though, and appreciate being able to do it.

I have also made sure that he knows that were he to start getting stressed or change his mind I would start looking for work without complaint, it's only fair.

Yanbu.

Original poster
newbeemummy · 22/03/2011 16:40

Thanks everyone for replying - I do really appreciate the advice and comments

I will try the positive approach tonight and see how it goes.

OP posts:
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