Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a form of ABUSE?

100 replies

Ummfee · 22/03/2011 09:18

Hi mums,

I have some rather shocking news yesterday evening and wanted to sound it out.

Mu kids let it slip......their dad(my ex) married and had a baby before he told them.
They were told to keep it from me and cried and looked full of guilt when they let it out.
The baby is 9 months old........they have been carrying this 'secret' around for 9 months.

My question to you ladies is would that be classified as ABUSE?

I am left to pick up the pieces now and my head is spinning. Someone please give me a bit of focus??!!

OP posts:
nethunsreject · 22/03/2011 09:20

No, but it is bloody awful. Poor things. Sad

frantic51 · 22/03/2011 09:22

I think I would classify that as abuse, yes. Shock Divorced/separated parents shoulc never, in my opinion, ask their DCs to keep secrets from their other parent. How old are your DC?

CrapBag · 22/03/2011 09:24

Its awful and shocking that your ex expected them to do this. What a horrible burden for them.

But abuse Hmm, no way.

welshbyrd · 22/03/2011 09:24

Jeez, Im not sure its abuse, its pretty shitty though, poor kids Sad

BakeliteBelle · 22/03/2011 09:26

Stupid man. Why would he keep it from you? Did he fear that the repercussions would be even worse?

vj32 · 22/03/2011 09:28

I don't think its abuse but I don't think I would be letting them alone with their father any time soon unless you have a legally binding agreement. If he has lied about that what else has be been lying about/making them lie about??

TotorosOcarina · 22/03/2011 09:28

I would say its abusive yes. Putting that amount of strain, secrecy and pressure on your children over a 9 month period is not good or even normal parenting!

clam · 22/03/2011 09:29

I think all you can do for your kids at this stage is reassure them that you're absolutely fine about it and they must always feel they can tell you absolutely anything.

Then go after your ex with a large shovel. Arse.

Original poster
Ummfee · 22/03/2011 09:42

Thanks guys.....it's really reassuring to hear your comments.My kids are 10 and 12.

They were so guilt ridden when it came out, poor things looked like rabbits in a headlight!

We talked a lot about how things transpired, i got them to scribble down their thoughts and emotions on bright coloured bits of paper. They felt so relieved like a weight had been lifted.

I was enraged at the treatment of the children. My sis rang him, he was very blaze about it. Could not see what he had done wrong! Sais he didn't need to consult me ect....

I work as a teacher and have had training on disclosure of abused children. That was how it felt to me.....they were asked to hide something from a trusted adult! It was emotional abuse beyond any doubt!

Mum is left to pick up the pieces again :(

OP posts:
Bucharest · 22/03/2011 09:45

No it's not abuse as we tend to think of it.

Emotional blackmail and total fuckwittery though, definitely.

Hope your kids are OK now.

coccyx · 22/03/2011 09:47

Good grief whatever next?? not abuse.
Badly thought through yes but abuse never

valiumredhead · 22/03/2011 09:58

Not abuse but bad parenting choices and very sad.

Original poster
Ummfee · 22/03/2011 09:59

GET THIS......

last year my son was in primary school year 6.
The head teacher had him in his office talking to him about how his dad's 'secret marriage' looks like its upsetting him.

The school was fully aware that he does not have parental responsibility rights. They had that conversation with my son without my knowledge and consent! I am FUMING!

Also appointing a solicitor because I am pretty certain the law has been breached and I know how sriously OFSTED take safeguarding of kids now!

OP posts:
HeadfirstForHalos · 22/03/2011 09:59

I would say it is a form of emotional abuse, yes! Okay, not as bad as some forms of abuse, but that doesn't make it trivial. I would be furious.

new2cm · 22/03/2011 10:07

Ummfee,

Can I suggest you take a few deep breaths, make yourself another Brew (I know you may already have had many) and take the day to calm down.

I know you are very upset, and I think most if not all of us would be upset, but please don't do anything rush. THINK. You need to think clearly and I don't think you've finished fuming yet.

It is not abuse but at the same time, this is not on either. Once you've calmed down more and stopped fuming, then take action.

BIG hug and I hope you children are now feeling better. Reassure your children that it is not their fault, and they've down nothing wrong. And you love them very very much. This is best said in a calm, soft voice rather then one with the "I want to my ex with legal action" tone of voice.

Do you have a good friend to whom you can rant and rave to, to let off steam? I find that once I have my anger out of the way, things become clearer and easier to comminucate effectively IYSWIM.

TandB · 22/03/2011 10:28

You ex-h is a twunt, clearly, but it is not abuse.

I am not sure I understand your point about the school - the HM called your son in for a chat about how his dad's new relationship is upsetting him? What is wrong with that? Just because your ex doesn't have PR, that doesn't mean he must never be mentioned by the school. It sounds like perfectly good pastoral care to be honest. What would you take legal action for?

Or am I missing something.

frantic51 · 22/03/2011 10:31

Since when is emotional abuse a "soft" form of abuse? Not as bad as other forms? I am Shock

BlooferLady · 22/03/2011 10:38

Everything that new2cm said. This is a rotten bit of parenting, and could have been damaging, but it is not abuse, and I don't think calling the in the law is going to help - your children need protection from further disruptions and rage and upset, not more of it.

Lots more Brew from this end. I think you need a good solid 24 hours' ranting before you think about what next steps to take. And also think about whether this is more about the way you feel about your ex and his 'new life', than it is about the children? I'm saying that very gently btw.

squeakytoy · 22/03/2011 10:41

Of course it isnt abuse.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 22/03/2011 10:45

It's emotional abuse. Did he hint that they'd be in trouble if they let you know?

Vallhala · 22/03/2011 10:46

Abuse? Hmm No, I don't think so. I really don't.

Unacceptable and unreasonable behaviour, yes.

It begs the question, I suppose, why your ex was sufficiently concerned ebout the news that he has married and had a child reaching your ears that he found it necessary to swear his children to secrecy. What on earth did he think you would do with the information?

Does it change how you view him or how you encourage and maintain the relationship between your children and your ex?

HeadfirstForHalos · 22/03/2011 10:47

Emotional abuse can be as bad as other forms, I meant the situation in the OP maybe doesn't appear as bad as other forms to people. I think it's terrible and agree it is abusive!

frantic51 · 22/03/2011 10:50

OK, I am really at a loss here. The most healthy relationships are those based on mutual trust and honesty. Asking, or worse, telling someone, especially a child, to "keep a secret" from the person with whom they have their closest relationship, ie the rp, is surely deliberately damaging that relationship? How is that not abuse? What were the implicit threats? That if they "told" they would be letting their father down? That he would be disappointed in them? Upset? Annoyed? That if they "told" they would cause their mother grief? That if they "told" any repercussions would be "their fault"? A parent can put that kind of emotional burden on a child of 10-12 and not be abusing them?

JaneS · 22/03/2011 10:50

Hey, wait up.

Are you sure you've got the full story? Obviously your ex has managed this very badly and upset your poor children. Sad

I just wonder if he said something like 'don't upset your mum about this' or 'this is my private life now', and they thought they'd been told they couldn't talk to you at all about it?

He sounds like a fuckwit anyway if he's too chicken to tell you he has a new baby, but I can easily see a cowardly fuckwit saying something that wasn't meant to put your children in this sort of 'enforced secrecy' position.

Pagwatch · 22/03/2011 10:52

What is this? Name your top ten types of abuse. Let us rank them in order.

Abuse is not a special word that transports sone acts into Deeply Damaging, whilst something that is shitty but not abuse is not counselling worthy.

It matters not a flying fuck whether it was abuse or not. It was a horrible thing to do.

Why does it matter if it is abuse or just really fucking nasty.