Is this a form of ABUSE?

[Ummfee]

Hi mums,

I have some rather shocking news yesterday evening and wanted to sound it out.

Mu kids let it slip......their dad(my ex) married and had a baby before he told them.
They were told to keep it from me and cried and looked full of guilt when they let it out.
The baby is 9 months old........they have been carrying this 'secret' around for 9 months.

My question to you ladies is would that be classified as ABUSE?

I am left to pick up the pieces now and my head is spinning. Someone please give me a bit of focus??!!

My xh has always said stuff is secret, from losing ds in a zoo when he was 3 to what they had for lunch. Its not because I react, it's just how he is, he thinks it gives him power. Anyway, I have always told ds that nothing is a secret from me, he can tell me anything, even if xh says he can't. But the other side of that is that I don't react negatively in front of ds. I choose my battles with xh, and only speak to him if his 'secret' is harmful to ds. Over the long long tedious years the effect is that xh hardly ever does it now because he has learned that ds will tell me anyway, and ds is well balanced individual who thinks xh has a problem doesn't always think things through.
It's the dc who are important, if they know there is a calm reaction at home with the OP their stress levels will be greatly reduced. OP, all you can do is try to mitigate against the fact that your XP is an arse.

Alot of you are blaming the XP here. But no one would keep it a secret unless it was going to cause a big bust up.

So to all of you who have said by not telling OP means he has put his kids in the firing line, have you even CONSIDERED that she may have gone off on one before about him having a partner and threatened "I won't let you see your kids"??

Because if thats the case i don't blame him. And it could well BE the case. Just because she is the female, the mother who posted about it on mumsnet really does not mean she is in the right.

And the less details about it being posted the more suspicious i become that he had every reason not to mention his circumstances to her, especially if this HUGe overreacction is anything to go by!!!

Missy - sorry but you are wrong on two levels. 1. Some people will keep it a secret without a logical reason and 2. It doesn't matter if she would go off on one or not... it is not up to two children to bear this load.

Sorry but your last bit makes no sense.

Yes Chippingin.

I have an XP who likes to keep secrets as well. It has nothing to do with my reaction (I dont give a stuff what he does) and everything to do with him being a control freak.

I agree the issue here isn't how the OP reacts but the effect it has on her children. What mum wouldn't be bothered by that?

You can't possibly flippin, didn't you know people make rational decisions?

I honestly don't get MumsNet half the time. As a step-mother there are issues I'd never post about on here because whether or not I'm BU people will always come down on the mother's side in those threads but a thread from a mother about how the father behaves the mother is in the wrong. On the other hand if the grandmother had been the subject of the story she'd have been the one in the wrong. The subject in an aibu is more important than the story.

Do you mean how can I not give a stuff? Years of practice!

IKWYM about AIBU tho. It makes some people go a bit mouth-frothy.

No, you can't have an XP who keeps secrets if it's not about your reaction because if you didn't react he wouldn't keep them. People do things for rational reasons doncha know?

I dont think its abuse but using the coloured paper, getting your sister etc to phone sound very OTT and its a strange first post.

With regards to the head, whilst your ex may not be named on the birth certifcate he is still their father and the school should treat him as such.

I wonder if the secret was unintentional and not meant to be a secret more of a dont mention new family etc to mum much.

You need to resolve though as he may put a stop to you moving his children to Switzerland as your other post states ou have planned.

@ confuddled

"We talked a lot about how things transpired, i got them to scribble down their thoughts and emotions on bright coloured bits of paper"

I can maybe understand that with young children, but a 10 and 12yr old???

Also the post about the solicitor regarding the HT looks more than hysterical, so maybe the father had good reason to try to hide something from the Op.

Yes, an ex wife posting on AIBU about anything to do with her XH is de-facto unreasonable/hysterical/shrill/mad/bitter/man hating.

Perhaps she is just upset and concerned about her kids and that's why she's reacted so strongly.

No, that can't be it, she must be ...(fill in the blank from the list above).

Perhaps people might like to stop for a moment and consider the effect on her two children in the stampede to blame OP for something her XH did?

Well everyone has been busy discussing this!

People who are passing judgment are probably the type who think they know it all! Sorry no time to waste on u lot

Others who have actually tried to understand the situation and give me valuable advice without needing to make me feel bad, thank you!

just to reiterate, my concern was that the effect of this upon my dc's self esteem and the pressure they were put under to hide it from me. The reasons for this only their father knows. I have never denied him access to the children contrary to many people advising me to do so.

I am happy he has moved on wih his life, I am just hurt that he never made our kids feel part of that. His new baby is their family after all. They should be celebrating that not feeling all messed up about it!

I will respond to particular comments that have resonated positively with me after I have had some sleep. Good night guys!

It's interesting really because in any situation it's only ever the father who could be in the right, scary this is from a group of women. If you're the new wife, you're jealous/ evil/ bitter etc if you're the ex wife you're jealous/ evil/ bitter etc. Why can women not give women the chance to actually be in the right?

I love my stepsons, there are things that aren't great with the XW but I wouldn't ever discuss them online, even to vent because I know I'll be seen as jealous/ evil/ bitter etc and I'm not. I also beleive that treating all the children equally doesn't mean treating them the same, which wouldn't go down well on a thread about my stepchildren!

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who takes the OP at face value so it's nice to see others notice this trend.

Umfee, you wanted feedback thats why you posted, so you must expect some positive and some negative remarks.
Why will your DC's self esteem be affected?? How ridiculous, thats life , get over it and stop your over sensitive behaviour rubbing off on them

As a kid my parents divorced and although not as big a secret as this, we were asked to keep secrets from our Mum. So you may not like my advice but I do hope you'll listen to it.

Whatever the issue is between you and your Ex - its your issue, not the kids. You've let the kids get it out of their system and whether or not we agree with coloured paper or whatever method you use, no one elses business but yours. Now follow their lead - don't debate this with them, or continually ask them if they are OK. Deal with your Ex in private and not as part of a hand over (and tell him specifically you will not discuss it at those times) and also talk privately with the HT again as opposed to drag this out with lawyers. And IMO please don't give the label of abuse for this action to your kids - as adults we can debate if this is or isnt abuse (and as you can see it divides opinion). At their age its a scary term and possibly formed by media hysteria over the worse kinds of stories. To consider their Dad in these terms is not going to help them deal with his new family and the impact of it on their own lives.

At 10 and 12 they should be big enough to say if they want to talk about it, equally big enough to form their own opinion on this. (I caveat this with the fact I don't know your kids so if they are prone to worrying or taking things on emotionally so maybe still young in that sense). Encourage them to talk about the baby as part of the normal conversation after any visit - again dont make a big issue out of it - even if it makes you seethe inside and then go rant in private or on MN.

IMO whatever the backstory is, whatever you feel and wish to scream at your Ex (BTW your job to do not your sister's) can be dealt with between adults. But probably most important is to let your kids accept the situation now its out in the open and get on with loving both sides of their family

He shouldnt have made them keep secrets but why did he feel the need to hide that from you

What did he think you would do?

There must be more to this.

Vallhala in response to your question,
it turns out that the children were told i didn't need to know at this point.....so I can only assume that he had intended to tell me at some point. I know there was a big hoo ha around the wedding and his new partner ect (it was all kept hush hush) I can understand that from his point of view that would have been difficult for the kids to be part of.

I will talk to him an clear the air because at the end of the day i have to think about the emotional impact of negativity upon my kids.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to post their comments on this thread! It has served its purpose and given me perspective on the situation.

I look at my kids all confused and it breaks my heart! Bless them

Hello Ummfee, I have read some of the posts, but to be honest some were rather hostile so I have skimmed a bit too.

Did your ExH get married and not invite/inform your DC's? Did he also even let them know when his new wife was pg? Then have the distaste to ask the poor kids to keep the new info a secret?

If so I truly feel your pain, the kids must feel a horrid mixture of torn and neglected (by him, not you). Also if he has re-married I think as a this woman will be seeing your kids a lot you have the right to request meeting her, and to explain to them both the pressure and burden that has been placed upon your children. Appeal to the mother in her and ask how she would feel if someone did that to here child?

These kids deserve to know where they stand in life, and I am only glad they have you as a stable and constant in their lives. x

Can I just ask, have I got this right? Your DC were not invited to their own father's wedding? Because it would be difficult for him ?

Don't take any notice of those who say "he must have had his reasons". Yes, he's a control freak! Don't worry, I've lived with one for 32 years. He once didn't tell me that our DD1 had rung up from boarding school to say she was in the sick bay and could she come home for a few days. When I found out about it the following day (when my car was away being serviced and he "didn't have time to go for her") I asked him why he didn't tell me the previous evening when I got in from work (school was only an hour away, could have easily gone for her) I asked if he forgot, he said no, he just didn't think she needed to come home so didn't think it should concern me!

This happened to my DSS too, but it was his BM who swore him to secrecy. It was about her moving house. He is 6 (and lives with us) and it was very obvious that he was worried about something. My DP in the end was a bit devious about it and said to DSS that he knew BM was moving (as in guessed what the secret was and made out he knew all about it). DSS then spilt all beans etc. (the reason for keeping moving house secret on her part is long and boring) however the thing we had the most difficulty with was the effect it had on DSS having to 'keep' her secret. He was withdrawn, difficult and at times gloating that he knew a secret. The pressure he was under though was the awful thing. I think it is totally out of order for either parent to make a child keep a secret. I quite agree that its a rotten bit of parenting (but not abuse) and agree with New2Cm that you need to take some time out and calm down about it. (in our case these 'interesting' parenting events normally take 2-3 days to vent the steam) but more than anything the main thing to say to your DCs is that they have done absolutely nothing wrong. I would even reassert this by making interested comments about their new sibling and being very light hearted about it all. If they see how angry you are it will affect them more (and potentially their relationship with your exP). Only when you are calm should you talk to your ex and firstly congraulate him on his news but also mention that the DCs were upset and felt guilty about having to keep things from you and could he please try not to do it again for their sake. If you keep it contained with him and infer there is nothing that he should keep from you then it might just avoid this happening again

Well guys just to update u!

The weekend went well. My DC went to their grans house were their father come sto visit them. They came back quite as normaql and I found them to be far more open and relaxed. They were not having to hide anything from me afterall.

Thinking about how this situation could be further improved I was going to call their dad and say some carefully thought out words to the effect of I understand that he has moved on and I am happy for him. The kids however should not hav ebeen put in that position and I sincerely hope it won't happen agin.

He called the house yesterday and I answered the phone. This is what i got
" Hello, can i speak to ......(our son)?"
I said yeah and passes him on.

Your opinions please???

Madamdeathstare thanks for taking the time to make a well thought out response. I think you are absolutely corect I must have as little to do with him as poss.

I suppose in my heart I was hopoing he would admit wrong doing and apologise. I must allow myself to not seek that from him and thereby free myself from worrying about how ro deal with him and his strange ways.

Me and my DC are beginning a new period in our lives. Full of love, peace and trust and upon that note here endeth this thread!!!!