Is this a form of ABUSE?

[Ummfee]

Hi mums,

I have some rather shocking news yesterday evening and wanted to sound it out.

Mu kids let it slip......their dad(my ex) married and had a baby before he told them.
They were told to keep it from me and cried and looked full of guilt when they let it out.
The baby is 9 months old........they have been carrying this 'secret' around for 9 months.

My question to you ladies is would that be classified as ABUSE?

I am left to pick up the pieces now and my head is spinning. Someone please give me a bit of focus??!!

Frantic

Actually, I am sorry. I sounded very shirty and did not mean too.

I wasn't trying to say there was no such thing as abuse. I was getting frustrated that the word seemed to be using as a method of deciding if a situation was serious or not. The impact of the behaviour, not the definition, is what matters.

When ex and I split up she wailed about how we needed to keep talking about things, developments in our lives etc.

I told her when I started seeing someone else, she didn't do same and our dd wasn't to mention it. This pattern continued, I always told dd what was going on in my life and she could talk to her mum about it. Ex realised I had remarried and had another child, she went mad "why don't you tell me these things, it's so important". I reminded her that she never told me when her new man moved in with her and our dd. One rule for her and one for me. She even tried to deny her relationship and baby so she wouldn't have to pay me what she agreed after our divorce.

Years later and my dd still acts like she has two separate families, she's not allowed to mention me or her sister at home. She can talk as freely as she wants around me and loves her sister. It's a damn shame.

coccyx Tue 22-Mar-11 11:25:07
I am not sure why it is 'horrendous". Your ex has carried on with his life. Yes, he should have told the children , but why does he need to run everything past you. Get

Coccyx - the OP has not had any expectation the ex run anything past her.

The whole issue is that children who are innocent have been expected to/required to keep a secret from their mother who they live with.

Since when do we expect children to be able to "keep secrets"? Particularly from the person they love (and yes one assumes they love their father) and live with.

If nothing else, I would hope they would be thrilled to have a new sibling and to be able to share their excitement with their mother.

For what it's worth - I believe it is a form of emotional abuse.

Abuse comes in many forms - physical, sexual, emotional, physcological....

As for the school, I believe they had a duty of care to the children to advise the residential parent the children were feeling/suffering undue stress which had been disclosed to the HT or T (who ever it was.

I would be furious with the school for not having advised me.

Not it't not abuse Not kind maybe but not abuse.

I would not say it was abuse, ring him up and ask him if he is ashamed of his new wife and child as that is the only reason he would keep them secret.

It is emotional abuse and would be frowned upon by a judge in a family court.

What should have happened was that you were told of the pregnancy so that you could reasure the children that their father still loved them. There has been a huge lack of communication between all parties and i guess that is why you tried to get your dc's thoughts and feelings on paper. Children should only be taught to keep certain secrets, surprise parties etc and not stuff like this from an important person in their lives, the primary care giver.

OP move on from this but do not let him convince you that he has not done anything wrong, and do not react with emotion, be the bigger person and have your children's welfare central to how you decide to proceed.

Missy, Maternity has said it better than I could without getting texters thumb. I don't know her IRL but she's not complained that he has a new family only about making their children keep secrets from her for almost a year to the point where they're scared to talk about it. Unless you know her IRL we only have her posts to go on and that's what I went on.

I don't think Birds was suggesting it would I read it as if they were in court over contact or maintenance and it came out...

Pagwatch no worries. I just didn't understand as the question in the OP was, "is this abuse". But I'm sleep-deprived today and not thinking very clearly, as someone has just pointed out to me on another thread!

I have been on the receving sid of this abuse when I was a child.

It was my Mother with whome I lived that coersed me into keeping her pg and subsequent birth of my sibling a secret from my Father.

I remember not being able to sleep the nights before my father was due to collect me.
I felt so torn and worried that I would let slip.

It was bloody horrid

My Mother did not threatn me with any repucussion for telling my Father, but I was worried I'd let her down and she'd be upset.

I felt that I was betraying my fathers trust and felt bad keeping a secret from him.

Having a new baby sibling should be a happy and exiting experiance (I was 10yrs old so did not suffer any jelousey towards the baby).

This pathetic kind of game playing that the ops Ex has indulged in (and forced their poor Dc into) is massivley damaging to the Dc self esteam, relationships with both the op and their Father by villanising their Mother and the resentment they will in no doubt feel towards their father in the future.

sorry for spelling

Altinkum - I was thinking of this senario as part of a CAFCASS report, not a charge to be considered in criminal poceedings or by the CPS, (who take up few cases that will not secure a definate conviction), so not a relevent example. The family courts i deal with would take this into consideration, perhaps it is different under your LA.

Since when would a child be expecting to meet their half brother or sister and never discuss it? Strange families you must all live in, if you never discuss an upcoming birth or new baby of family members.

Stupid thing to do YES - abuse no, thats way OTT

I can only go by your OP etc here, but shouting abuse in this situation IS IMHO very OTT -

with that in mind, you may want to consider that you may actually be in part to blame for his poor handling of the situation?? - ask yourself do you always over react like this?? & if its something you are prone too, then I might have a bit more sympathy for how he's handled things.....still poor, but if he's trying to avoid a scene for the kids sake, or even avoid you stopping them seeing him???

again your Children feeling so guilty in owning up to their "secret" could also be down to how YOU react to things in general & them worrying about upsetting you - not having a go, I'm sure its not easy for you, but food for thought maybe??

However, it still stands that without a little bit of a background story the OP sounds a bit over dramatic about the whole situation.

And doesn't explain why EXH went so far as to "emotionally abuse" (oh pleease ..) his own children?

Surely if everything was just peachy and she wasnt the sort to go OTT about things then it would have been all out in the open, thus avoiding all this crap?

So those who are wondering if the op would have thrown a fit if she'd have found out about the Exs new baby,
do you think its really good parenting for a Father to avoid the stress of an Ex having a go at them by shoving their young Dc in the firing line??

I Told my Father when I was expecting a baby with my Dh.
My Ex was an abusive fuckwit but I told him anyway.
He was a bit put out but even if he would have lost it about my pregnancy I would not have put my needs above those of my child.

Whatever way I look at this The ops Ex is an arse.

Either he was worried about her reaction and chose to save himself hassle by
putting it on his Dc -Very selfish and not on imo
Or he is just playing games and has no regurd for his Dc happieness/stress ect -Actions of a selfcentred arse.

I'm right.

I don't think the father has behaved at all well, but given the wild screechy over-reaction of the OP he was possibly acting like this because she's flipped her lid before.
OP, it seems to me you need to get over yourself a little bit. You are not the only person in the world who cares about your DC and you are necessarily not always right. You seem to be looking for ways to punish your XH for leaving you and using your DC, not so much as weapons but as prizes to be fought over. That's not good for them.

Can't think why a new baby would be a big secret unless the ex was scared of the mum's reaction. I think he probably was concerned about this. Not fair on the DC caught in the middle ofcourse, but think it's important to get the whole story before screaming abuse

You wont get the full story if you send your sister in to have words with your ex, OP.

IMO it is abuse. Myself and my sister were also made to keep secrets between parents and that puts a lot of pressure on you as a kid. It also has a massive effect on the kid relationship with their parents. It made us wanting to stay away from our parents so that we do not let the secrets out. That meant that we were never able to talk to our parents about our problems.

I agree with those saying it doesn't matter whether the OP would have taken the news well or not... (and we have no reason to believe she wouldn't have been OK with it, only that he didn't want her to know).

It is the father that is at fault here - even if the OP would go off on one, HE should have still told her. He should never have told his children to keep this a secret from their Mum.

FFS there was a thread a few weeks ago with a poster going off on one because a grandparent had told a grandchild 'Don't tell your Mum' when he gave them some sweets and the majority of posters said she was right to do her nut (I disagreed) - now this and some people are saying what he did was OK???

I would be seriously looking at the level of contact he has with the children.

As for the school - on the face of it I think what the HT did was OK - but there seems to be a back story so... jury's out on that one.

I think it's important that children know that they can tell you anything and that no-one must be allowed to make them keep secrets. That if they are threatened with horrible things that they are just empty threats (not saying the Dad did this btw, just 'in general').

I think he's a complete and utter wanker for doing this to his kids.

OP you seem very strange

There is clearly more to this than what you've said

What has the head teacher having a chat with your child got to do with 'safeguarding'?