Is this a form of ABUSE?

[Ummfee]

Hi mums,

I have some rather shocking news yesterday evening and wanted to sound it out.

Mu kids let it slip......their dad(my ex) married and had a baby before he told them.
They were told to keep it from me and cried and looked full of guilt when they let it out.
The baby is 9 months old........they have been carrying this 'secret' around for 9 months.

My question to you ladies is would that be classified as ABUSE?

I am left to pick up the pieces now and my head is spinning. Someone please give me a bit of focus??!!

Yes you're quite right. Whether it is abusive or not it's not good and something needs to be done about it.

OMG! No not abuse IMO, but tbh the name for it is irrelevant - the fact is they have done something utterly unforgivable.

And as for the school - fucking hell. Time to kick up a MAJOR FUSS!!! I am fuming on your behalf here.

Horrible thing to do.
My dad did that with me. But I told her about the OW anyway. Cue massive fight with him trying to strangle my mum.

It still upsets me, 23 years later

Ok the consensus seems to be that it is not abuse as we perceive it. Having been married ti him I can say that he was the master of emotional abuse!

I take your point Blooferlady, i think i am very anxious about my children being exposed to that type of emotional pain and yes it has left its legacy on me which i must not project onto my kids. When the smoke has cleared you will all see i am not an unreasonable person!

Thanks Kungfupanda.....your have a valid point. There is slightly more to it. The way children are questioned around sensitive issues is part of safeguarding them. From what my son tells me she was planting doubts is his head and that is not good practise. I have worked in schools for 16 years. If staff have not had proper training on child protection issues it can further damage the child,

Btw this is the same HT who excluded my son in an office on his own for 3 days because his haircut was too short. You can see why i would not trust her to have my childs wellfair and well being at heart!

OK Pagwatch, when I was 9 years old I was "abused" by a music examiner. In a piano exam he asked me to come over to his table and look at the piece of sight-reading he wanted me to play. He positioned the music so that I had to stand next to him to take hold of it and, whilst holding it firmly with one hand so that I couldn't remove it, he shot his other hand up my dress and inside my pants. I was too shocked to react and after he had a quick feel he released the music and I took it over to the piano and played it. Most people on mn I reckon would call that "abuse" and many people both here and in RL would be jumping up and down and wanting him "put away" if it happened today. It has not affected my life at all. He was a fuckwit, I didn't and don't need "counselling". I think that if I had been put in the position that the OP's DC were put in by one of my parents it would have affected me far more deeply wrt issues of trust in relationships.

I'm curious as to why it was all a massive secret in the first place?? Why did your EXH feel the need to tell the kids they had to keep it a secret and turn it into a massive drama??

Surely if you had known about it you would have been fine with it? Or would you have gone off on one? it just boggles my mind that he would go through all this bother having to hide it from you, which couldn't have been easy, if it wasn't going to be a problem.

Either way its not fair on the children and i think once you have calmed down you should have a word with your EXH and try to resolve this. Maybe get him to explain why he felt he had to hide it and then burden your children with it too. Maybe then if he was unreasonable further action should be taken. But try and get to the bottom of it first in an amicable way.

I know its hard when your babies were so so upset by this but try to be calm and rational. At the end of they day your kids are alright, and know that mummy still loves them and doesn't blame them :) Which will make them feel so so much better

Frantic

Like I said. Not a competition. I was abused from birth as far as I can figure by two trusted family connections. My point is that the word doesn't matter. The action and effect on the children is what matters.
"abuse" is treated as a magic word which confers a seriousness upon events. It isn't.

The event and it's impact matters. Lumping the wealth of negative human experience into abuse or not abuse seems to be ridiculous.
Was my point.

I think the reason I have shied away from calling it 'abuse' it because that to me signals (possibly wrong) the involvement of the law and social services (rather than a qualitative difference between the two forms IYKWIM).

OP you don't sound unreasonable at all, just in a perfectly understandable rage. I hope you can see a clear way through.

Pagwatch and my point was that, by your argument, nothing is "abuse", so the term is redundant. But we, as a society do recognise the concept of "abuse. I agree with you that the effect of any action is what confers the seriousness of it, not the action itself. If a trusted adult is aware that the action will cause distress to the child, and he must have been, especially as OP tells us he is a proficient emotional manipulator, then it is "abuse".

Anyway, I am aware that I am hi-jacking this thread with semantics, so I apologise to the OP and to you and will shut up now.

Well I'm not surprised he wanted to keep it a secret.

Look at the way you've started screaming ABUSE because of it.

No it wasn't a very nice thing to do to your children but no wonder he didn't tell you.

Are you just looking for reasons to stop your children seeing him.

The head teacher story is a different matter entirely and if you are not happy with the way she is doing things then you need to sort that out separately.

I am not sure why it is 'horrendous". Your ex has carried on with his life. Yes, he should have told the children , but why does he need to run everything past you. Get a grip

4foxache......i am not screaming abuse??! I am however catergorically saying that emotional abuse is abuse nontheless. I don't think men are wired to see it in that way. The impact of it can be very similar to physical abuse. I know i went through it with him.

I posed the question so that i could get a meausured response. Thanks for your comment!

When you give it block capitals, it does look a little bit screamy though.

Any enlightenment as to why it was a big secret in the first place?

Or whether the knowledge changes anything for you, Ummfee?

The problem with the headteacher, aren't there are other steps to take before getting a solicitor involved? Board of governors, the LEA.

Have you talked to the HT about this?

Ummfee
I am presuming that there has been a huge back story, that we do not know about, that is clouding the issue and making you react like this.

From what you have posted on this thread, it does look like you are overreacting - particularly your actions towards the school.

It is emotional abuse, and needs to be tackled but you really need to calm down or you will be seen as hysterical and not taking seriously. (Ignore this if you are doing all your ranting on MN and are as cool as a cucumber in your discussions with the school)

How can anyone say that a parenting harming a child is not abuse? Even emotional harm.

Of course the OP wouldn't have reacted badly to the news, I'm sure she doesn't care what he's doing but he's done something that has emotionally damaged her children so of course she's upset.

The school shouldn't be hiding things from you that are affecting him at school but you know more about that.

We've not told my stepsons that I'm pregnant again because they don't see me very often so it's a bit far in the future when they're not living with it. Their sisters aren't likely to mention it but again they don't see them often and their dad is always with them to deflect and tell them if it comes up. They'll be told soon though before the baby comes, it's not a big secret.

A parent - not sure what my phone was doing there.

I understand he has no obligation to tell you all about his life, its none of your business what car he has or what he did at the weekend. However introducing another woman into your DCs life and to then have a baby - a brother or sister to your children is a MASSIVE deal. So again, WHY was he keeping it secret from you??? People don't keep secrets like that without very VERY good reasons. Is it something to do with benefit claiming? Or is it because you HAVE flown off the handle.

I'm not saying you have ever flown off the handle, but this post, without knowing at least a vague detail of the backstory has come across as a very OTT reaction.

What do you mean "of course the OP wouldn't have reacted badly to the news"???

Sorry, i didn't realise you knew each other well in RL