To be pissed of my husband has said I am no different to anyone else....

[thenaturallook]

Hello,

this is my first thread in AIBU and I'm well aware of the frank and honest responses so I thought I'd let you all judge this recent conversation with my husband and tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

Quick background, as I've said we're married, have three children (under six) together and he works away from home all week so I am with my DC 5 nights a week alone (although not right now because my mum is here!).

We are currently selling our house to relocate for this job and he is renting a house near where he currently works.

I ring him a fair bit (couple of times a day), usually just for the odd two minute phonecall and sometimes to fill him in with things that are going on and he is fine with this. He has told me he actually wonders why I haven't rung him, if by late day he hasnt' heard from me (point being is I'm not being a pest)

Anyway, it's 8:30 this evening and I'm sitting down after getting kids all sorted etc and I realise he hasn't rung or responded to an earlier text and so I ring him on his mobile... no answer.

So I ring him on his work phone, no answer....

Ok, no problem, he's away from the phone so I leave it. An hour later I try again and sitll nobody picks up and so I'm a little worried at this point since habitually if I've not rung him by 9, he then texts me to jokingly remind me I haven't rung him!

Eventually he picks up again and I ask him what he's been doing and why he didn't answer either of his phones and he says "err, I don't know" so I get a little cross about this since I think it's not too much for him to ring and say goodnight(I go to bed early since I'm at home with three young kids) or to ring to ask how boys are, how my day has been etc..

Then he starts laughing at me and says I am being irrational and the bottom line is that I am no more important than anyone else that phones him and that I shouldn't expect special treatment and to have to my calls answered above anybody elses!

So I say, " well, I'm your wife, surely that does mean I am little more important than say, a council worker (could have say telesales caller, marketing caller etc. but said this and no offense meant by it) and I'm told, "no, you're not more important you could have been my ex-wife ringing and it would make no difference to me and why are you being so irrational"

That is not verbatim but sums it up pretty well.

Am I wrong to be a little pissed off with this?

Dear OP's DH,

You're a silly bugger for saying that to your DW and I expect that you regret saying it. We realise that you may have been stressed but that's no excuse for comparing her to Ex Wifey IMHO. DW just fancied having a bit of a rant and probably better for her to do it on here rather than leaving shouty voicemails for you and pestering you whilst you were away.....anyway, now that everything seems to be tickety boo, I bid you a good day!

Have a

Regards
NGZJ

all and sundry ?

cheers

look, it's an anonymous message board...you didn't put an advert in the local paper did you ?

you will get over it, and so will he

I wouldn't be letting him off for speaking to me like that, though, and if you can't talk to him directly because he brushes you off and forces you to seek support form "all and sundry" then he isn't such a good guy, really

Disclaimer - not read the intervening posts.

I'd be pissed off with that too op - very insensitive. However I have a dh who means well and is kind and generous but not 'verbally gifted'. He will often say something which he doesn't intend to cause offence(and indeed he thinks it is innocuous)but it is such a ham fisted statement that it does cause me to bridle. Could it be that what he said was not what he meant - and it didn't come across well? Namely - (a) he was being defensive and (b)yes your are more important that others in his life of course , but sometimes your call isn't important if it is just for a quick catch up, and it comes at a time when he is busy and stressed about something?

I'd still want him to apologise though and I would neglect to ring him for a bit

"BTW, if my DH told me that my call was no more important than his ex-wife then he would be heading for having two ex-wives unless he did some serious apologising"

Alibabaandthe40nappies said it for me!

I told him that I was trying to get it deleted, he laughed at me again and told me to get over it as he presumes it's an anonymous board and he can't remember my user name

I will go and give myself a stern talking to (and will not post again when cross after wine!)

p.s. he also said sorry and has explained himself so the ex-wife comment (if a little wierd) makes sense now

Yes hmc, you've summed it up pretty well there

When he said "you could have been my ex wife ringing"
are you sure he didn't mean "I was told my wife had called, didn't know which wife they meant" ?

I'm with heroine and the minority on this one. When I'm at work, calls from my DH are lower priority than my work calls. When he's at work, calls from me are lower priority than his work calls. If it's urgent then we will say so and we will call each other back asap. But if not then why on earth should we prioritise "having a chat" with each other over our work? our employers would soon get pretty annoyed.

I think there's a combination of three factors here

• you think you should come above his work, he doesn't agree
• he was slightly insensitive with his response
• you have misunderstood what he said about his ex-wife

minipie...you seem to have overlooked something

he wasn't actually "at work" when OP called him

I'm always a bit when an OP says the purpose of the thead is to show it to her dh. Childish and manipulative.

Like telling you what to post. Oh and now she didn't like the posts

Minipie, he wasn't at work.
It was 9:30 at night

But if the DH never backs down and says I should have said this to you, sorry I was blah blah blah laquitar, sometimes it's frustrating and you wonder how you can get them to understand how you feel.

We all do childish and manipulative things, but the OPs realised this and has said she'd been drinking and was angry.

So what was his weridy explanation OP for putting you on the same level as his ex-wife?

Not really Laquitar, we had a ruck and I actually wanted to have other people post given my situation to tell me if I was being irrational.

Bad move on my part now and I wish I hadn't done it.

Childish and manipulative, I don't think so!

I've already said I don't really have a problem with the posts, just that I wished I'd behaved differently.

Dearie me, what a storm in a teacup, even I can now see that!

Basically what hmc said. She has an ability to sum it up better than i can even.

Last post in response to AZZ

If he were at home would you speak to him 3 times a day?

erm ...one would hope you would have more than 3 conversations with your DH a day if you lived together..

I think he was/is an arse and is playing that awful game some people play...making the other person seem irrational for having a legitimate concern or worry -cruel imo

I can understand you can get bogged down and cant speak to your partner everytime they call it happens to me all the time! my DH works nights so when he calls during the day it's not always possible to chat but when he calls I don't make him feel sad or desperate for calling..thats weird

I nearly wrote "storm in a teacup"

I don't bombard my DH with calls at work, but if I did need to speak to him, I would expect to be his priority as I am his wife. By definition, that should make the OP more important than anyone else on the planet to her DH. If my husband was really busy he would ask if he could call me back, but he'd not ignore me. For all your Dh knew, you might have really needed to speak to him.

I think the OP has been really good about agreeing to relocate for her husbands work and being on her own all week with the DC. The least he could do is talk to her on the phone when he is at home in the evening. If they don't prioritise speaking to each other, then they won't have much of a relationship.

If my DH spoke to me like that, it would be the last phone call he ever got. I think it was a really unkind thing to do and you deserve better.

I can't believe any 'excuse' he came up with would negate him having said 'You are no more important that anyone else - including my ex wife' and that you are now OK with that?!

So - what did he say that makes it all OK?

It was with regards to the phone call (rather than me as a person). I didn't quote him ad verbatim as I've said.

You're very patient with posters on here OP, you must be applying that patience to your DH.

AZZ what can you do? Some people just don't think things through (my DH for example) read things properly (many posters on here for example). I just don't find it to be something worth getting angry over.

On another note and not really related to this thread since we've established that the ex-wife comment was meant to be an insult in that respect, I find it peculiar that some find a comparison, any comparison to ex-wives to be such an insult!

Does every second wife on here, hate the first wife? Can't say I have any strong feelings either way re his ex to be honest.

She hates me though, largely because I'm second wife I think although I'll never know and don't really care either way

was not meant to be an insult.

I think putting you on par with a woman he no longer loves nor wants to hear from is people's issue with the exwife comment.

You teach people how to treat you, it is up to you if you are happy to let such rudeness slide.

I would expect to know where my husband was from 8pm in the evening, especially if he was living away from home Mon - Fri. (Except if he was in the army)

Well, I don't have any issue with first, second or subsequent wives. Some ex wives are nasty, evil, manipulative, some current wives are too and ...shock horror... some people who aren't wives.

But isn't the clue in ex? You should be more important to him than his ex wife - his ex wife, the milkman, his colleagues... still, you according to him you aren't and according to you that's OK...

I'll leave you to it.