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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed of my husband has said I am no different to anyone else....

109 replies

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 22:49

Hello,

this is my first thread in AIBU and I'm well aware of the frank and honest responses so I thought I'd let you all judge this recent conversation with my husband and tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

Quick background, as I've said we're married, have three children (under six) together and he works away from home all week so I am with my DC 5 nights a week alone (although not right now because my mum is here!).

We are currently selling our house to relocate for this job and he is renting a house near where he currently works.

I ring him a fair bit (couple of times a day), usually just for the odd two minute phonecall and sometimes to fill him in with things that are going on and he is fine with this. He has told me he actually wonders why I haven't rung him, if by late day he hasnt' heard from me (point being is I'm not being a pest)

Anyway, it's 8:30 this evening and I'm sitting down after getting kids all sorted etc and I realise he hasn't rung or responded to an earlier text and so I ring him on his mobile... no answer.

So I ring him on his work phone, no answer....

Ok, no problem, he's away from the phone so I leave it. An hour later I try again and sitll nobody picks up and so I'm a little worried at this point since habitually if I've not rung him by 9, he then texts me to jokingly remind me I haven't rung him!

Eventually he picks up again and I ask him what he's been doing and why he didn't answer either of his phones and he says "err, I don't know" so I get a little cross about this since I think it's not too much for him to ring and say goodnight(I go to bed early since I'm at home with three young kids) or to ring to ask how boys are, how my day has been etc..

Then he starts laughing at me and says I am being irrational and the bottom line is that I am no more important than anyone else that phones him and that I shouldn't expect special treatment and to have to my calls answered above anybody elses!

So I say, " well, I'm your wife, surely that does mean I am little more important than say, a council worker (could have say telesales caller, marketing caller etc. but said this and no offense meant by it) and I'm told, "no, you're not more important you could have been my ex-wife ringing and it would make no difference to me and why are you being so irrational"

That is not verbatim but sums it up pretty well.

Am I wrong to be a little pissed off with this?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 00:23

Ewwww I know people who would rather pop out their own eyeballs with a corkscrew than admit they were wrong and apologise.

The image of themselves they like other people to see is so fragile, they think that to admit they're fallible in any way means they're weak and inconsistent.

I couldn't live with someone so inflexible and superior to think they are right in all they do, you must constantly walk on eggshells.

What he said to you OP seems randomly cruel, even if he was in a shitty mood it'd make me think twice about whether it's the start of him showing his true colours.

I mean if he's not the kind of person to say something so horrible, he wouldn't have said it.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 00:24

'Did his first marriage end because of similar attitudes and behaviour?'

I thought that but didn't like to ask

Oh, he's going to read the thread eh?

Interesting.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 22/03/2011 00:35

I would text him 'As I am no more important to you than anyone else, I will be taking the house off of the market in the morning. Feel free to ask your ExWife/The Binman/Molly from the local shop to move in with you'

Then ignore any calls from him.

Wanker.

When a man tells you who his is - listen

He may be the love of your life, but it doesn't sound like you are the love of his, not by a long shot.

I can't believe a man you are married to and have children with would say this to you and honestly not expect to grovel - a lot. It is a shitty thing to think, let alone say.

GothAnneGeddes · 22/03/2011 00:43

Dh and me lived apart for about six months. It was not easy and phone calls were essential to feeling 'together'.

So I think your husband is being and utter knob and deliberately spiteful.

1Catherine1 · 22/03/2011 02:22

If my OH said that to me there would be hell to pay!

My OH and I work opposite shifts, I work 8am till 4pm Mon-Fri, and he works 3pm till 1am Wed-Sun so as you can see we get very little time together so I phone him at work each evening just for a 5 minute chat to keep us connected. He would never dream of telling me in such a rude way that he was too busy to take my call and sometimes he is genuinely too busy to take my call but he does and just tells me he'll call me back when he gets a sec - although in fairness he tends to forget and I phone him again 2 hours later :).

If I were you I would stop calling him at all and wait for him to grovel. If I don't phone my OH he knows he's in trouble and phones me starting with "What's wrong? Why are you mad at me?". I also don't believe that he can't admit he's wrong, he might not like it but I think in this case telling you, his wife and mother of his children that you are "no more important" than anyone else is seriously out of line!

feistychickfightingthebull · 22/03/2011 03:40

Yanbu, what a twatty thing to say. I would be more than livid if my dh spoke to me like that.

millimurphy · 22/03/2011 09:16

He said you are no more important that his ex-wife? You look after three kids and he gets to play batchelor most of the week (and why can't he come back Friday night so he can see his family for longer over the weekend?)? Just don't seem right - not the way a man should speak to his wife and the mother of his children. He could be stressed of course, but he is still responsible for what bullshit comes out of his mouth.

I wouldn't start playing games, not ringing him etc, it isn't worth the effort. I would talk to him and see if he really does think you are this insignificant to him. I know I couldn't be with a man who didn't think I was his first and main priority. It just comes to the question of wheather you can? :(

senua · 22/03/2011 09:28

Have I got this right? That it is always you that phones him, he never phones you?

Deciduousblonde · 22/03/2011 09:38

Put it this way if my DH ever put me on the same level as his ex wife he wouldn't have any balls left..!!!

ursusnix · 22/03/2011 09:52

@Colditz, sadly lots of 'us' are in that particular boat - and we struggle work to make it work some-how.

I've been on the other end of this - head down in a hotel, thrashing to get stuff done, and ignored my phone, copping a whole load of flack afterwards.

What was I to do, I was in a tough spot, needing to get the job finished and needed no disruptions.

I do now send a text when done to let my DW know I was sorry I missed the call.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 09:53

While I agree he shouldn't have said you aren't more important than anyone else I am shocked at the people who seem to think he;s been 'caught out'!

OP if I were your husband I would be pissed off at getting 3 phone calls a day. If he were at home would you speak to him 3 times a day? Probably not. I'd also be pissed off that when I didn't answer you kept calling and then interrogated me when I did, I'd have been angry too.

The husband never needs to call his wife as she is constantly calling him

OP give him a break and give him a chance to miss you and for him to call you.

I don't think you need to listen to all the oh he doesn't love you, my man would never speak to me like that, leave him now posts. It's one phone call ffs

Original poster

thenaturallook · 22/03/2011 10:09

Thanks for all your posts.
Lots of useful advice on here.
I can see it is perhaps better to have spoken with him directly and not come on here (although I was cross at the time) - I've calmed down.

Don't really want him reading some of the presumptious and completely untrue comments about him so will ask for the thread to be deleted in case he is actually arsed to read it.

Thanks all

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 22/03/2011 10:16

Don't hold your breath that MN will delete it

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 10:29

You don't like the conclusions some people have come to about what you've said about your DH so you're going to get it deleted?

That doesn't seem a valid reason to me.

You did ask, and posters have given their time to answer, it's a bit rich to suddenly delete it.

You should let the thread stand so other people can get any advice they can from it.

PeterAndreForPM · 22/03/2011 10:33

I don't think thread deletions should be allowed just because you changed your mind, spoke in haste or because you didn't like what responses you get

It makes a mockery of MN, tbh

Original poster

thenaturallook · 22/03/2011 10:34

I didn't say I didn't like the comments. People can say what they like, but what amazes me is how people read into things from one incident.

Just think I could have handled it better and spoken to him about it directly first instead of coming on here (and telling him I was doing so).

Nothing wrong with any of the comments at all really. I am damn fool for telling him I would seek opinions on here instead of just doing so and keeping it to myself!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 10:35

Perhaps the OPs realised just what kind of man she's married to, and doesn't want him to know she knows.

PeterAndreForPM · 22/03/2011 10:35

what are you frightened of, should he see it ?

does he know your MN name ?

Original poster

thenaturallook · 22/03/2011 10:39

No not frightened - this whole thing I actually beginning to make me laugh a little. Yes Peter he knows my name - I told him and often leave my laptop open so it's for all to see anyway.

Been registered for a while but have never really posted which is why there are only a couple of prior posts from me.

AgentZigZag he's not a bad guy - he has his faults sure, we all do, but I can't actually make too many complaints about him.

Pretty sure he could find fault with me too.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 10:41

I don't think you've said anything horrible about your DH thenaturallook, you must have known he wouldn't acknowledge how you felt and thought he might listen to someone else?

I'm sure he'd just say we're a bunch of harpies and ignore it anyway.

PeterAndreForPM · 22/03/2011 10:42

then it's not a problem is it ?

he fucked up...you asked for opinions, you go them

if he is a good guy, you should both have a laugh about it

but perhaps next time he will think twice about being such a twat towards you

PeterAndreForPM · 22/03/2011 10:43

got

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2011 10:46

What's the point in talking to him directly if he never admits he's wrong?

I would struggle to talk about anything at all with someone who thinks about the people around them like that.

Original poster

thenaturallook · 22/03/2011 10:47

Agent and Peter you're both right.

I just feel, well a little bad for posting it for all and sundry to see and am amazed (rather than shocked I suppose) about how people read into situations.

He probably won't read the damn thing anyway

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/03/2011 10:49

Why would get it deleted? Don't you want him to realise how bizarre his behaviour is?

BTW, if my DH told me that my call was no more important than his ex-wife then he would be heading for having two ex-wives unless he did some serious apologising.

But he wouldn't say that, because he isn't a cock and he loves me and respects me.

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