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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed of my husband has said I am no different to anyone else....

109 replies

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 22:49

Hello,

this is my first thread in AIBU and I'm well aware of the frank and honest responses so I thought I'd let you all judge this recent conversation with my husband and tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

Quick background, as I've said we're married, have three children (under six) together and he works away from home all week so I am with my DC 5 nights a week alone (although not right now because my mum is here!).

We are currently selling our house to relocate for this job and he is renting a house near where he currently works.

I ring him a fair bit (couple of times a day), usually just for the odd two minute phonecall and sometimes to fill him in with things that are going on and he is fine with this. He has told me he actually wonders why I haven't rung him, if by late day he hasnt' heard from me (point being is I'm not being a pest)

Anyway, it's 8:30 this evening and I'm sitting down after getting kids all sorted etc and I realise he hasn't rung or responded to an earlier text and so I ring him on his mobile... no answer.

So I ring him on his work phone, no answer....

Ok, no problem, he's away from the phone so I leave it. An hour later I try again and sitll nobody picks up and so I'm a little worried at this point since habitually if I've not rung him by 9, he then texts me to jokingly remind me I haven't rung him!

Eventually he picks up again and I ask him what he's been doing and why he didn't answer either of his phones and he says "err, I don't know" so I get a little cross about this since I think it's not too much for him to ring and say goodnight(I go to bed early since I'm at home with three young kids) or to ring to ask how boys are, how my day has been etc..

Then he starts laughing at me and says I am being irrational and the bottom line is that I am no more important than anyone else that phones him and that I shouldn't expect special treatment and to have to my calls answered above anybody elses!

So I say, " well, I'm your wife, surely that does mean I am little more important than say, a council worker (could have say telesales caller, marketing caller etc. but said this and no offense meant by it) and I'm told, "no, you're not more important you could have been my ex-wife ringing and it would make no difference to me and why are you being so irrational"

That is not verbatim but sums it up pretty well.

Am I wrong to be a little pissed off with this?

OP posts:

Morloth · 21/03/2011 23:10

'Then he starts laughing at me and says I am being irrational and the bottom line is that I am no more important than anyone else that phones him and that I shouldn't expect special treatment and to have to my calls answered above anybody elses!'

Fucking hell.

DH works a lot as well and we often miss each other's calls and texts, no biggy. BUT we do give each other priority over anyone else because we are married.

I don't know about suspicious but how bloody rude. If you let this slide he is going to think this is am acceptable way to speak to you.

Nagoo · 21/03/2011 23:11

definitely YANBU, that's a dickish thing to say, but I'm going to judge him a a 'programmer' and nothing more suspicious.

I think I'M YOUR WIFE FFS is a suitable retort.

You are bringing up his kids. it is incredibly thoughtless to say that your calls are not more important that anyone elses.

He's been a moron.

Original poster

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 23:13

peeriebear

Yes, this may well work. But he does notice when I don't ring dence the odd, "oi, you haven't phoned me" texts!

Like I said, this was at 9:30 this evening! He was not in the offic!

OP posts:

rockinhippy · 21/03/2011 23:15

YANBU - though probably no more than being a stressed out tw@t & taking it out on the wrong person - either that or being a juvenile plonker & allowing some p' taking from his colleagues over your frequent phone calls to get to him

either way, I'd be not ringing him & ignoring his calls for a while by now , if he's not hearing you & is not 1 to apologise etc then making him FEEL it, might bring him make him see the error of his ways - works wonders with my DH

ValiumSingleton · 21/03/2011 23:19

Seems a bit odd on his part. You normally communicate well and you sound happy, but on this occassion, instead of just saying what he was doing and why he didn't answer the call, he told you he wasn't obliged to take your call.

Original poster

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 23:23

Morloth you are right.
It is fucking rude, that's why i got so mad.
The thing is, the laughing I'm sure is done to wind me up and I repeatedly said, why are you laughing, what do you expect to achieve, but he doesn't back down. EVER. Even when he's wrong, very very wrong!

Yes, he has been a tit, but he won't apologise for it, I shall show him thread and he can see what others think.

Flip chart idea is great

OP posts:

Heroine · 21/03/2011 23:24

I don't think so at all - my work persona is different from my home one and I often don't like to be bumped back down (up?) to 'human' when I am in a work type psychology - I would go mental if DH phoned me at work unless an emergency or pre-arranged and in fact at work, personal calls are a much lower priority (unless emergencies) than work - personally I think he has been nice to you for so long that you are getting all the little bits of frustration in one - his work is what he is paid for and for what he gets credit for getting through throughout the day, and I'm afraid that I would regard annoyed phonecalls from my partner to be the last thing I would want.

Original poster

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 23:25

Heroine, this was at 9:30 this evening!

OP posts:

Heroine · 21/03/2011 23:26

sorry that sounded a bit harsh on reflection- because you obviously are seeking reassurance and perhaps need to hear that he loves you at the moment - but it would be better to say that than rag him out IMHO

thisisyesterday · 21/03/2011 23:27

well he sounds like a twat. and you sound like a doormat for putting up with it

Original poster

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 23:28

Ha ha Herione, no I don't need reassurance; this situation I suspect is probably just as hard for him as it is for me (well not quite, but almost)

No, I don't need to hear that he loves me, I know that. I just don't get the whole "you're no more important than anyone else that calls" bit.

Rather odd isn't it?

OP posts:

Original poster

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 23:30

Hmm thisis so given that this happened within the last 120 minutes, how does this make me a doormat?

I've walked away from it and am no thinking about it and am gathering opinions.

Examples of being a doormat please?

OP posts:

Heroine · 21/03/2011 23:30

he doesn't mean always... just at work!

Morloth · 21/03/2011 23:31

I would have hung up on him.

Mostly I don't call DH during business hours but given he is out of the house from 8am-9pm most days and is away roughly a week a month, most of our communication is via phone/email/text.

This works just fine for us (and is I suspect why we get on so well ), but I do expect my calls to be prioritised over others.

Original poster

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 23:31

Christ, sorry for my appalling typos!

OP posts:

Original poster

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 23:32

Heroine he was not at work. It was at 9:30pm this evening!

OP posts:

Deliainthemaking · 21/03/2011 23:34

YANBU

he evaded your original question then had a go at you! idiot

Original poster

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 23:35

Anyway, thanks for all your input.

Just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being unreasonable, thanks for all your comments!

Night night

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 21/03/2011 23:35

the fact htat he doesn't back down. EVER.

so.... he can treat you like this? any time he likes, telling you that you're no more important than his ex wife or a council worker.
he can upset you and then just tell you that it's all your fault for being irrational.
he won't "back down" or apologise for upsetting you and you just get on with it

that's being a doormat IMO.

mamas12 · 21/03/2011 23:39

Well He was rude and you have been offended so you need to tell him these two facts and also that you don't expect this kind of rudeness and disrespect from your husband or anyone again

Original poster

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 23:41

thisis I get what you're saying.

But this is he first time this has ever happened and he didn't make the council worker comparison, I did! He also, never laid blame, not sure I have said that anywhere.

He's been a tit this evening but that's not to say that it won't resolve itself, which it often does.

Trust me, I'm no doormat ( I actually at the comparison)

Thanks for posting though, all comments gratefully received

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 21/03/2011 23:43

well, he has, because he has said it's you being irrational.
there is no recognition that he has hurt or upset you, or even that what he has said could be construed that way.

merely YOU being irrational and him being just fine thank you very much so be on your merry way.

Original poster

thenaturallook · 21/03/2011 23:45

Yeah, he's fucked up - I'll make sure he knows it! He can read this thread, that'll give him opinions other than my own!

Thanks all!

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 23:52

he is gonna read this thread ?

great

MrNatural...who the fuck do you think you are ?

take that

< dusts hands off >

MadamDeathstare · 21/03/2011 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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