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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to carry on tickling when my DC say stop?

120 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 21/03/2011 22:38

A bit of a dilemma here - I would like some oher viewpoints please.

Smile

I have always taught the DC that if they are doing something to somebody and that person asks them to stop, then they should stop straightaway, and that other people will respect their wishes if they get into a similar position. Iyswim?

So, here's the AIBU:

We often have fantastic tickling/purping games with the DC and they, in the midst if their hilarity are saying "stop" and "No", but I feel they aren't really meaning it, it's just an involuntary reaction to the fun.

I feel that even in this tomfoolery circumstance, any horseplay should stop straightaway, to respect their wishes. But DH thinks it's fine to carry on in this situation as they are actually enjoying it.

Am I being overly cautious?

OP posts:
confuddledDOTcom · 21/03/2011 23:36

Laughing is a fear response to being tickled that's why you can't tickle yourself or in certain circumstances.

My granddad is a tickler and he doesn't care about people not wanting him to do it, I don't remember the laughing, it's the crying he caused I remember. He's not ticklish either which added to the "hilarity". I taught myself not to be afraid of tickling and it's worked much to many boyfriends' disappointment - I have one spot but that's not in any danger Wink - although he can still tickle me but I put that down to the fear from the past but I'm stronger now and will stand up to him.

I'm careful with my own children, I hadn't thought about the consent issue but I don't want to inflict it on them. I stop when they say but I ask if they mean it. My eldest is 4 and boss of her world so I wouldn't be able to carry on past her calling time. My youngest is 2 and whilst she's not speaking yet she will make herself clear by moving you away or moving you to (she pulls our heads to her belly all the time because she loves being munched and kissed there).

Original poster
ChaosTrulyReigns · 21/03/2011 23:44

Wink at buppy.

No, they do keep asking for more when they've got their breath. Grin

But, I just wanted to check the point that I wasn't being too letter of the law rather than spirit of the law.

Obviously not.

I've just spoken to Dh, and he's agreed that it's important that they don't get mixed messages from this scenarios, as they need to have faith that their request to stop will be honoured.

Smile
OP posts:
aurynne · 21/03/2011 23:50

My father tickling me caused me my one and only phobia during childhood. He thought I loved it, while in fact it made me absolutely terrified of him. The more I screamed and pleaded for him not to tickle me, the more he would put is "naughty face" and show me his "tickling fingers". I had nightmares in which I would be chased by my dad, and by "tickling fingers" and wake up screaming in horror. It may sound funny, but I assure you it was the most horrifying thing of my childhood.

Please stop when they ask you too, and make sure they DO enjoy it. Even if I was asked, I used to say "yes, I enjoy it" as I felt I would be disappointing my dad if I didn't say so.

BooyHoo · 21/03/2011 23:54

aurynne when i was about 7 i joined a christian youth group attatched to my school. before ever session staretd tehre would be 10 or 15 minutes to run around and play and one of the older boys used to chase us and tickle us. i hated it and i tolerated it for months because i thought everyone would laugh at me for not wanting to be tickled. eventually i told my mum and thank goodness she didn't tell me to stop being silly because i dreaded going there every week. she spoke to the leader and the boy was told to stop doing it. i have never been so relieved to hear that he wouldn't be allowed to do it anymore.

Morloth · 22/03/2011 00:05

You have to stop when they say stop.

The only time I would ignore this is when it is something that has to be done, like medicine or restraining them from doing something dangerous etc.

Otherwise they have a right to bodily integrity like everyone else.

proudfoot · 22/03/2011 01:50

It is awful not to stop tickling if they ask you to. Really not on.

saffy85 · 22/03/2011 06:19

Stop. DD and I have tickling frenzies daily bujt she squels "stop mummy!" I automatically do, it's a reflex action. If she wants to continue the game she grins at me evilly and starts wiggling her fingers near my toes. Then I run Grin

chibi · 22/03/2011 06:33

why, when you have been asked to stop, would you assume that you know better and carry on?

what are you getting out of it?

(i say 'you' meaning anyone who does this, not necessarily a specific poster)

camdancer · 22/03/2011 06:39

Lots of horrible memories coming back to me about being tickled as a child. I was/am a giggler, so people loved tickling me. But I also wet myself easily. So the same people who were having such a lot of fun tickling me would then start laughing at me for wetting myself. And then I'd get told off for not going to the toilet in time. What fun! [hmmm] Sad

With my own children, I stop when they ask me to. Then start again when they ask. Lots of little tickles are much more fun than one big tickle ending in someone crying. They know they are not allowed to tickle me, which makes them sad and confused.

And whoever said it isn't torture is just plain wrong. If you are doing something to someone's body and they can't control the result of that, then at least to me that is torture. Laughing is an involutary response. No means no and stop means stop, even when you are laughing.

confuddledDOTcom · 22/03/2011 11:06

I've got to ask this as it was the same person and same effect to me and I won't even do it to my own children because of my bad memories of it. I'm not sure which is worse!

"Belly pie" or whatever name your family used?

FreudianSlippery · 22/03/2011 11:08

We have a safety word (all of us, not just the DCs!) - if we REALLY want them to stop, we shout PEANUTS :o

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 11:21

Why do adults insist on tickling children? Seriously, why?

No means no, no matter what

To the poster who says she judges when are kids really mean it, do you know that sounds just like a rapists excuse?

Numberfour · 22/03/2011 12:19

I HATE being tickled - I will kick scream, thrash about, do anything to make it stop. DS has tried to tickle me a couple of times and I am so scared I will hurt him!!

Stop means stop Angry. One of the worst feelings is that powerlessness that comes from being tickled.

(I am quite an extreme case, though: my palms and the soles of my feet sweat and ache at the thought..... DH just has to pretend to tickle me and my hands and feet start aching and sweating)

valiumredhead · 22/03/2011 12:36

I am the same Numberfour I hate and loathe it!

seeker · 22/03/2011 12:42

'I trust that I recognise when she's saying stop (because she's laughing so much she's getting worn out) as opposed to saying stop because she's distressed.'

No - you should stop the very instant she says stop. It's not real laughter when you're being ticked - it's an involuntary reaction. It is so very wrong to think you know better how someone else feels than they do - you can always start again, but stop meaning stop is a hugely important lesson.

valiumredhead · 22/03/2011 12:45

Oh God, I am having flashbacks to when my uncle used to visit and tickle me........... couldn't breathe...... gasping........ urghhhhhhhhh!

OP just stop the instant they say stop and start again IF they ask you to.

talleyrand · 22/03/2011 12:57

it's a power thing, he's bullying them

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 22/03/2011 12:59

Ticking is a form of torture and I hate it!!!

If they say stop, then STOP!

cheesesarnie · 22/03/2011 13:02

i listen to stop because i expect them to listen to stop when i tell them to stop.iyswim

NotQuiteCockney · 22/03/2011 13:07

I was over-tickled as a child, loads, and now I mostly hate being tickled. Not stopping when a child says 'stop' is Not Ok.

ThisFeelsWeird · 22/03/2011 13:13

Fascinating. I've never read a thread with such unanimity of responses.

I also remember absolutely hating it as a child (still do) and not understanding why I was laughing when it was the last thing I felt like doing.

"Tickling fingers" makes me shudder too.

Ephiny · 22/03/2011 13:23

YANBU, I feel very strongly that stop means stop, and no means no.

I hate being tickled, really really loathe it, so maybe that's affecting my view - I know it's only tickling and it's all meant in fun and not actually doing any harm, but it really can be horrible especially when you're a little child and the other person is so much bigger and stronger than you that you can't physically escape or make them stop.

Quenelle · 22/03/2011 13:26

Yes stop. Even if they are laughing as they say it. What point comes after stopping laughing? Usually crying or lashing out because actually they really hate it now and really want you to stop.

As others have said, just remembering that feeling is quite upsetting.

TruthSweet · 22/03/2011 13:43

I'm a freak in that I can tickle myself on the palm of my hands and even my tongue is ticklish.

I am also remote controllable by DH - if he makes an 'o' shaped with his mouth I yawn, if he wriggles his nose I have to scratch mine and if he talks about tickling I feel all ticklish.

Before anyone shouts 'Abuser' Wink he doesn't do this all the time (or even more than once every year or two) but it's just things we have found I respond to.

I really hate tickling though and once kicked a shoe shop assistant for helping me on with a shoe. My idea of torture is the brain injury test where they scratch the sole of your foot to see how your reflexes work after a seizure (on of the reasons I don't go to hospital now post-seizure).

diddl · 22/03/2011 13:46

"Why do adults insist on tickling children? Seriously, why?"

I wonder that also.

I hate being tickled, so have never really done it to the children, apart from with nursery rhymes.

But MIL used to do it to them & I used to think FFS, is that really all you can think of to do when you see them?

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