Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to carry on tickling when my DC say stop?

120 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 21/03/2011 22:38

A bit of a dilemma here - I would like some oher viewpoints please.

Smile

I have always taught the DC that if they are doing something to somebody and that person asks them to stop, then they should stop straightaway, and that other people will respect their wishes if they get into a similar position. Iyswim?

So, here's the AIBU:

We often have fantastic tickling/purping games with the DC and they, in the midst if their hilarity are saying "stop" and "No", but I feel they aren't really meaning it, it's just an involuntary reaction to the fun.

I feel that even in this tomfoolery circumstance, any horseplay should stop straightaway, to respect their wishes. But DH thinks it's fine to carry on in this situation as they are actually enjoying it.

Am I being overly cautious?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/03/2011 22:55

It's torture.
No, it really is.
Stoppit.

SpiderWebb · 21/03/2011 23:03

Milly OP, I think you've identified for yourself what the issue is. We teach our children that physical contact with other people has to be based on what the other person says they want, not what we think they should want. Otherwise, what kind of person could a child grow up to become

What kind of person they could become? What, from being tickled too much? Hmm

What a very odd thing to say. What exactly do you mean? What could they "become"?

Nanny - torture? Really?

Definition of torture -

a. Infliction of severe physical pain as a means of punishment or coercion.
b. An instrument or a method for inflicting such pain.

  1. Excruciating physical or mental pain; agony: the torture of waiting in suspense.
  2. Something causing severe pain or anguish.

Not quite sure tickling falls under any of those definitions Hmm

The OP is talking about something her children are NOT distressed about. They aren't sobbing into their pillows late at night because mummy tickled them.

YANBU OP. It's all part of the tickling experience Grin They are asking you to stop because they don't want you to!

BooyHoo · 21/03/2011 23:09

"Definition of torture -

a. Infliction of severe physical pain as a means of punishment or coercion.
b. An instrument or a method for inflicting such pain.

  1. Excruciating physical or mental pain; agony: the torture of waiting in suspense.
  2. Something causing severe pain or anguish.

Not quite sure tickling falls under any of those definitions "

actually it does for me. it is agony. i cry out with pain.

to overpower someone and cause physical pain and take them to a point where they cannot catch their breath is wrong. to carry on doing it once they have told you to stop is worse.

"They are asking you to stop because they don't want you to!"

just shutup. i never once asked my partner to stop because i wanted him to continue. he tickled me so hard one day i had to kick him hard to get him to stop. i had to actually cause him physical pain in order to distract him. and you really think i did that because i wanted him to carry on? really?

MillyR · 21/03/2011 23:11

I think the point is obvious. It was clear in the OP. You don't bring a child up to believe that consent is not important in their physical interactions with other people.

Prior to this thread, I thought understanding of that was universal.

And tickling has been used as a form of torture, from the ancient world into the 20th century.

JeremyVile · 21/03/2011 23:13

Spiderwebb - how much do your kids have to ask you to stop before you believe them when you're tickling them?

BluddyMoFo · 21/03/2011 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpiderWebb · 21/03/2011 23:16

What government regimes currently use tickling as torture? I'd really like to know that.

Booy, I appreciate that your reaction to tickling may be that. OP's children are more than likely catching their breath through laughing so much.

And don't tell me to shut up, by the way. Hmm

If you had to kick your partner (which sounds like a last resort, and I'm sorry for you that this happened) then it's him being a prick.

Not a loving parent knowing when to judge when to stop, or carry on, even if the DC are saying "Nooo Mummyyyy, stop!!"

Dozer · 21/03/2011 23:16

Stop

BooyHoo · 21/03/2011 23:17

shut up

MillyR · 21/03/2011 23:18

SW, what makes you think that a government regime is currently using tickling as a torture method? Perhaps they are, but I'm certainly not going to google it to find out.

Blu · 21/03/2011 23:18

When anyone has tickled me I have kicked them - really hard, sometimes - because it sends me so desparate that my most extreme defence instincts kick in. So as far as I'm concerned stop means stop, or risk having your teeth kicked in.

thisisyesterday · 21/03/2011 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

thisisyesterday · 21/03/2011 23:20

" OP's children are more than likely catching their breath through laughing so much."

how on earth could you POSSIBLY know that?

PickleFish · 21/03/2011 23:21

It's horrible. I hated being ticked. The laughing was an involuntary reaction, and it was awful awful awful that people would not listen to me saying NO. It makes you utterly powerless. I used to tell my family that I would throw up if they continued. They still don't believe that I found it awful, and they still laugh AT me for saying things like that, and do not understand how horrible it can be. Please, please stop when they ask you to. It absolutely IS distressing. You might not be sobbing into your pillows afterwards, but that's partly because you have to repress your feelings because everyone is laughing at you being oversensitive or party-pooper or whatever else, and what good is it showing that you're upset afterwards anyway, given that nobody listens to you when you're saying stop? And you don't look distressed whilst you're being tickled, because it's the stupid involuntary reaction to it that makes you laugh, even when you hate it. I laugh when the chiropractor does a particular adjustment on me. It's not funny. It's actually painful. The giggle is a reflex, and it gives the wrong signal. Same with tickling. Your reaction is NO CLUE as to whether you are distressed or not. It's completely mixed messages to not stop, and the child is confused too, knowing that it should be a fun situation, that YOU might be enjoying it, that the closeness can be fun. But not necessarily the tickling, at all. If they show any signs of wanting to stop, please please please listen to them.

BooyHoo · 21/03/2011 23:21

why do you get to judge when enough is enough for someone else's body? how do you know what their body is feeling? parent does not mean owner of child's body. have a bit of respect for your children and teach them that when tehy say no, they will be listened to so that god forbid, if anyone in tehir life tries to harm them, they have teh voice to say no, instead of thinking "saying no doesn't work"

thisisyesterday · 21/03/2011 23:23

oh and just because it is something that you can recover quickly from (ie, no sobbing into your pillow at night) does NOT mean that it isn't incredibly distressing at thet ime

no-one has the right to over-rule you when you are asking them to stop doing soemthing to your body. no-one.

MillyR · 21/03/2011 23:23

Actually I have looked it up. China. I am not going to look any further.

SpiderWebb · 21/03/2011 23:24

How very playground of you, Booy.

Milly, I would say that the 20th century wasn't that long ago. Any governments who used tickling as torture probably don't update their "Acceptable Torture Practise" handbooks that often. Therefore I'd deduce that of they were using it in the latter part of the 20th century, they're probably still using it now.

Which is why I said "current" government. As, funnily, enough, those kind of governments don't change that often either.

Do feel free to correct me though or point me to some links backing up what you said, given it was your point.

Blu · 21/03/2011 23:28

Whether or not any current rehime uses tickling as tiortiure is of no relevance to the OP's kids.

Kids DO enjoy extreme experiences - like being momentarily scared with variations of a 'boo!' game to scary stories, to being chased. Moderate and short tickling, where they ask for it to continue might be fun for some children, and good sensitive, kind parents will judge that well.

But if they really want it to stop, and don't ask for it to continue then stop should mean stop, immediately.

MillyR · 21/03/2011 23:28

I hope we have cross posted. Are you seriously asking people to post you links to torture information on MN?

If you have an internet connection, you can do it yourself.

SpiderWebb · 21/03/2011 23:29

We cross posted Milly.

MavisEnderby · 21/03/2011 23:33

OMG op you have just taken me back to my childhood.My mum was the Uber tickler.We would often tell her to stop but she just carried on to the point of discomfort:)I think she was channeling Mr Tickle of Mr Men fame..

BooyHoo · 21/03/2011 23:33

it wasn't a playground jibe. i actually want you to stop talking.

mamatomany · 21/03/2011 23:35

I have to say this is the only thing I've ever flipped my lid at DH about when he'd carried on tickling after the girls said stop.
Stop means get of me now.

bupcakesandcunting · 21/03/2011 23:35

My dad used to do this to me. Laughing was an involuntary reaction but he didn't believe I hated it because I was guffawing so much.

Until one day, aged 7, I'd had enough and punched him square in the face and blacked his eye.

Don't make your kids punch you in the face, Chaos Grin