Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

BIL and family staying at our house when we are away

118 replies

LillianGish · 21/03/2011 17:14

We (my family and MIL) only ever see BIL and his family when they want someone to look after their kids. We've recently moved to a new house and BIL called up the other week to see if he and his family could come and visit in July. We will be on holiday that weekend, which seemed a pity as we thought they were proposing a weekend together. Yesterday MIL called to say the reason they wanted to stay was because they are going to a wedding nearby to which one of their dds is not invited. She wanted to know if they could all come anyway, including MIL, and she would look after their dd while they are at the wedding. I want to say no. They've never been to see us at our house so I don't really see why they should come when we are not there - to say nothing of all the extra bed changing etc when I get back from my holiday. I don't see why they can't take spare dd to MIL house (about 50 miles out of their way). Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Gottakeepchanging · 28/03/2011 09:05

But to say no will widen the gap?

brass · 28/03/2011 09:06

That's BIL's problem. Not OP's.

plupedantic · 28/03/2011 09:07

Perhaps the relationship hasn't changed until now, as there hasn't been a "no" until now.

Original poster

LillianGish · 28/03/2011 15:54

Gottakeepchanging have you actually read any of my posts? I have an excellent relationship with my MIL. The person who treats her like a doormat is my BIL - that's why he can't be bothered to drive 50 miles out of his way to drop his dd at her house. He not only expects her to babysit (the only time he sees her), he also expects her to do in the place most convenient for him. We are on holiday for two weeks (not just away for the weekend) - he has no intention of seeing us and we won't see him again until more babysitting is required when he will take my nieces to my MIL's house, he and his wife will go off to a shooting party or some such diversion and we will see them for about an hour when they swing by to pick up the kids on the way back home. As I have already explained (if you had bothered to look) I don't normally get involved - on this occasion I feel I could make some sort of stand as he wants to stay in my house. I don't generally have a problem with people staying, we've done it before on various occasions - I do have a slight hesitation as this is not our house, we are just renting it. Actually what will probably happen as other posters have suggested is that I will end up saying yes - because of not wanting to be thought of as unreasonable, but I do not entertain any hopes that this will in anyway change BIL (and SIL's) behaviour.

OP posts:

Original poster

LillianGish · 28/03/2011 15:56

Oh and thank you Brass for standing up for me in my absence

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 28/03/2011 16:34

Don't you BLOODY dare say yes.

Just say you are not allowed to. Letting agency won't allow it.

PLEASE say no.

LittleMissHissyFit · 28/03/2011 16:35

The only way you might change the behaviour is to STOP enabling them to treat you like this, TEACH them that if they want you do to something for them, they have to WORK for it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2011 16:51

You are mad if you say yes. Use the 'landlord says no' excuse, nobody could think you unreasonable to not endanger your tenancy.

And why would you care if they thought you so anyway? They are arses, their opinions therefore do not count.

brass · 28/03/2011 17:01

My SIL is a user. I think in her case she genuinely believes that we should be honoured to be in her presence.

diddl · 28/03/2011 17:50

Good grief-how could you even think of saying yes-it´s not your house!

And why would you give a toos if he thinks that YABU.

LifeInTheSlowLane · 28/03/2011 17:59

Just explain that it's not your place and say there's a strict housing contract not allowing any guests to stay in your absence, security and all that. Actually have you checked your housing agreement as that may be the case?

plupedantic · 29/03/2011 09:38

The trouble is that if you use the landlord excuse, BIL won't realise or care, but MIL will, so it could hit the wrong target.

"Sorry, we're not going to be there, and it would be better for MIL to be at home rather than suffering the inconvenience of being out of her own environment. We know she would be worrying about leaving the house in a good condition for us to come home to, and it's unfair to put her in that position."

Ball back in BIIL's court.

diddl · 29/03/2011 10:28

Why not just say no?

I´m sure MIL wouldn´t want to be used as the reason.

Sorry, plupendantic, but your excuse makes MIL sould like an incapable fool!

Why give a reason-it´s not BILs business as to why you say no-you don´t have to excuse yourself as you are doing nothing wrong.

BIL has options.

plupedantic · 29/03/2011 16:09

Oh, dear, I didn't intend to make the MIL sound incompetent, but who isn't more comfortable and competent at home, knowing where everything is, having it all to hand, and being able to decide for him/herself when and how much to tidy up after the mess inevitably made when playing with a child!

The MIL is only the reason in that the OP wants to spare the MIL the inconvenience of looking after a child away from home (why should the MIl go out of her way to do a favour, rather than BIL and wife going out of their way to be done a favour?!). So the OP's trying to spare the MIL is "setting a good example" to the BIL, hey, Gottakeepchanging?

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 16:10

I agree with Jenny

diddl · 29/03/2011 16:49

"but who isn't more comfortable and competent at home,"

Yes, I agree.

But really, MIL should be saying that she is happy to babysit in her own home & not getting involved in trying to get OP to let BIL stay at hers.

pingu2209 · 29/03/2011 16:55

Well, you have a right to be annoid and to say no. However, lets face it, most of us do things for family that we would otherwise tell someone else to take a hike. I would just let them.

MrsH75 · 29/03/2011 17:00

I'd let them stay but ask them to bring their own bed linen and towels so there is no washing when I come back from holidays. And leave me a nice bottle of something :)

Flip

1 2 3 4 5