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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BIL and family staying at our house when we are away

118 replies

LillianGish · 21/03/2011 17:14

We (my family and MIL) only ever see BIL and his family when they want someone to look after their kids. We've recently moved to a new house and BIL called up the other week to see if he and his family could come and visit in July. We will be on holiday that weekend, which seemed a pity as we thought they were proposing a weekend together. Yesterday MIL called to say the reason they wanted to stay was because they are going to a wedding nearby to which one of their dds is not invited. She wanted to know if they could all come anyway, including MIL, and she would look after their dd while they are at the wedding. I want to say no. They've never been to see us at our house so I don't really see why they should come when we are not there - to say nothing of all the extra bed changing etc when I get back from my holiday. I don't see why they can't take spare dd to MIL house (about 50 miles out of their way). Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

brass · 26/03/2011 13:49

Zillion has a point. Could the MIL have suggested it? Haha that would be another can of worms. MIL offering up the use of your house as an extension of hers.

I've had words with my own MIL about that one!

HooverTheHamaBeads · 26/03/2011 13:54

God, you do sound a bit miserable. Why don't you say, yes come and use the house but please could you bring your own linen and towels etc.

This is your husbands family after all.

brass · 26/03/2011 13:58

So what if it's husband's family? They don't care about her or her husband or her children.

MillsAndDoom · 26/03/2011 14:06

Could you go with a diplomatic fib and say that the landlord is undertaking essential maintenance that weekend so they won't be able to stay.

That way you are not saying no for no reason?

toodles · 26/03/2011 14:09

Agree completely with Brass.

I've had the same request from my SIL, and I've said No. One, she is a freeloader and two, she doesn't respect other people's things, so if one of her sons broke something of ours when at our house, I doubt very much she would offer to pay for it.

Gottakeepchanging · 27/03/2011 13:02

Gosh I get that you all step over beggars in the street and ignore big issue sellers.

What a miserable bunch of people. Where is your humanity?

You reap what you sow.

A long sad life alone with all your family ignoring you. Imagine if your childrens partners have the same attitude when you are the mother in law.

Children often model adult relationships on what they see as children. Poor relationships with family in your case. So if you have a son and he grows up he will think that it is perfectly normal for his wife to have a crap relationship with his mother and so to be partially estranged, when it's you not seeing your grand children etc etc you might feel different.

You have issues with your mil- get over them- she is your husbands mothe. Don't let them fester to another generation.

Maybe the reason that your family never comes is because of your poor attitude?

Katisha · 27/03/2011 15:09

What a daft and unecessarily vitriolic last post.

If you don't mind me saying so, which I'm sure you do...

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 27/03/2011 16:31

Better the OP stands up to her cowardly/freeloader/user BIL and SIL than teach her DC to be doormats and let people walk all over them because they're faaaaaaaaaaamily

lettinggo · 27/03/2011 16:44

I would definitely say no. They're using you, pure and simple.

My inlaws stayed in my house last summer while we were away. We get along on the surface but there's no love lost between me and MIL. Lots of history but she's DH's mother and I do my best to make it easy for him. I wasn't comfortable about them staying at my house while we weren't there but felt I couldn't say no cos FIL was having chemo and our house is near the hospital. While we were away, my MIL phoned to pass on a telephone message and in the course of the telephone call told me DH's sister and child were coming to stay for the weekend. Told me, not asked if it was OK.I was FUMING. And I hated the thought of her staying while I wasn't there. So I stewed for a while, rang her back and said "sorry, I'm not comfortable with that". She was a bit prickly for a while but she's gotten over it.
This summer, they're planning to rent out their house in Spain (where they live) for 4 months and come here for those months. I'm presuming they'll want to stay in their children's houses while they're on holidays. I'm already wondering if she's going to ask me, but I know what my answer will be.

Say no. They obvoiusly have a thick skin to ask in the first place.

AgentZigzag · 27/03/2011 17:49

at the OP being asked where her humanity is when she doesn't want spongers staying in her house

The BIL and his family aren't begging in the street are they? (Or working if they're selling the Big Issue)

And it's not a crime aginst humanity to say no to someone wanting to stay in your house uninvited, especially when you're not there.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN??

Just a tad out of perspective there Gottakeep.

Gottakeepchanging · 27/03/2011 19:58

No. I was saying that some people are just mean spirited. These are the type of people who ignore the homeless.

I was not suggesting that the ops family are homeless..

Children learn their behaviours fro their parents..

I find the hate of family and especially mils on here very sad. Just look at the number of threads about broken family relationships. The op has a damaged family relationship- she has a chance to partly repair it by making a big gesture but choses not to and then opens a thread about how unreasonable the family are.

This is the am I being unreasonable thread. We are all entitled to opinions.

aloiseb · 27/03/2011 20:26

If it was me, I'd point out the thing about the house not being yours and just say that the landlord won't like someone else being there.

and ask them whether they couldn't possibly make the detour to MIL's house,

and invite them down for the next possible weekend, so that you can see each other.

it will be interesting to see whether they take you up on that one, wont it?

I remember once doing a Christmas card to some ex-colleagues sayign "do pop in next time your'e passing" - like you do. Well, they did - we lived near Gatwick Airport, and they had obviously run out of money, because as well as the cup of tea I had offered them, they hungrily ate all the biscuits, and then a couple of rounds of sandwiches each which I thought I had better offer them before they started on the furniture!

They are off my Xmas card list now....still, my point is,it can sometimes be fun being generous. If i'd thought of it i could have thrown in a few remarks of great concern about how their business was going......

aloiseb · 27/03/2011 20:27

run out of money on their holiday, I meant - duh.

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/03/2011 23:29

No.

There I said it.

NO.

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/03/2011 23:29

s'easy!

brass · 27/03/2011 23:37

Gottakeep pissed off any DILs lately?

You sound like you're taking this a little personally.

AuntiePickleBottom · 27/03/2011 23:41

my sister, bil and DN are staying in my house while i am on honeymoon.
i trust her 100% to use my home like this.

however i wouldn't trust someone in my home alone if i didn't know them

trafficwarden · 28/03/2011 03:23

No way -how rude. I would not want them availing themselves of my house if they had made no effort to visit previously.
We had my in-laws staying for a weekend before we left on holiday once and they were going to stay on for another few days after we left. All fine and dandy. Except we came back from holiday to find they had invited friends of theirs to stay with them - without asking us. Cheek! And the worst thing was the "friends" used the spare room and the in-laws slept in our bed, on our used bedlinen and never bothered to even strip the bed linen afterwards. I still get the creeps thinking about it.

sunnydelight · 28/03/2011 06:10

YANBU

TechnoKitten · 28/03/2011 06:57

I have a feeling that people who are saying, "YABU, they're family" are people who have a good relationship with their siblings / in laws where they see them socially (however often or not) with no hint of ulterior motive.

Whereas those who say, "YANBU! Over my rotting corpse!" are those who have a strained relationship with family and feel taken advantage of.

In this case I would say you do indeed reap what you sow - the BiL and family are reaping the lack of goodwill from the OP thanks to their previous behaviour.

I'd let my family stay in my house while I was away with pleasure (and fill the fridge & wine rack for them). I wouldn't if they were like the OPs!

rainbowinthesky · 28/03/2011 07:40

Interesting how the default is the woman changing the bedding for her dh's family..... It wouldnt occur to me to be changing the bedding from dh's family.

I think yabu. I agree with the poster who talked about modelling behaviour for your dc. Yes, they are being cheeky but so what.

Gottakeepchanging · 28/03/2011 08:46

Not at all. My children are teenagers. My mil wouldn't be my best friend and we wouldn't ever meet socially as very different but we both make sure we have a good relationship for the sake of my children and my husband.

I just feel sad that family matters so little for so many people. I have a bil (married to dh sister) I really don't like (although he has mellowed with age) but I welcome him into my house as otherwise my husband wouldnt see his sister and my children wouldn't see their cousins as much.

The road runs 2 ways. All these people who moan about family often seem to make very little effort themselves. Building and Maintaining relationships of any kind is hard work and it takes a lot of give and take. I just find it sad that when opportunities to mend broken relationships come up that someone wouldn't grab them for the sake of their children and husband.

This isn't about staying in a house. It's about a damaged family relationship.

plupedantic · 28/03/2011 09:03

Surely the way to repair the relationship is not to ask to stay in a house when the family are away (BIL's side) but to make an effort to respond to invitations to stay when the family is there (OP's attempts)?

brass · 28/03/2011 09:04

You could choose to look at it like that or you could think if BIL had made more of an effort in the past and not acted like a user he and his family would be welcome now.

It's also about politeness and courtesy. If you want to stay in someone's home then have the decency to ask them to their face. Don't go through someone else. It's just good manners.

I just don't get your stance on the damaged relationship. It doesn't seem to be OP that has the problem. She is saying she would like to see more of them and spend time together.

But they aren't interested in spending time together - they only seem to be interested in popping up when there is babysitting or the use of accommodation involved. How do you have a realtionship with people like that? Your idea of family relationships is weird. It doesn't matter how they treat you (like a convenience) so long as you see them from time to time. I don't get how children benefit from seeing people carry on in that way. I wouldn't call them family I'd call them acquaintances. And I wouldn't be happy with them in my home if I wasn't there.

brass · 28/03/2011 09:04

exactly plupedantic.

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