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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL and family staying at our house when we are away

118 replies

LillianGish · 21/03/2011 17:14

We (my family and MIL) only ever see BIL and his family when they want someone to look after their kids. We've recently moved to a new house and BIL called up the other week to see if he and his family could come and visit in July. We will be on holiday that weekend, which seemed a pity as we thought they were proposing a weekend together. Yesterday MIL called to say the reason they wanted to stay was because they are going to a wedding nearby to which one of their dds is not invited. She wanted to know if they could all come anyway, including MIL, and she would look after their dd while they are at the wedding. I want to say no. They've never been to see us at our house so I don't really see why they should come when we are not there - to say nothing of all the extra bed changing etc when I get back from my holiday. I don't see why they can't take spare dd to MIL house (about 50 miles out of their way). Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 25/03/2011 10:31

Why do your DH and MIL pussy-foot around BIL and wife?

Katisha · 25/03/2011 10:41

It'll be because no-one ever confronts people like this as it's easier to keep the peace. People don't like confrontation and ensuing hissy fits.

exoticfruits · 25/03/2011 10:49

Assert yourself-say no.

plupedantic · 25/03/2011 11:10

There's no down-side to saying no, since you will never see the BIL's family for them to make you feel uncomfortable....

Bumblequeen · 25/03/2011 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblequeen · 25/03/2011 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

irregularegular · 25/03/2011 11:43

Gosh, I think you lot are all very unreasonable! Am I the only one who is happy for family and friends to stay in our house where we are away?

For the last two summers, my sister, husband and children have stayed in our house while we've been on holiday for a week abroad. We're in a nice location, with a big garden, so it's a nice cheap break for them. It's no trouble. They change the beds and leave it clean and tidy, as I would expect.
We don't see them often, but that's as much our fault as theirs.

my BIL has also stayed a night here my himself to break a long journey, when we've happened to be away.

We've also offered it to friends.

I wouldn't want just anyone staying here obviously, but if we know they well enough then why not.

If you don't much like them, don't want to help them out, then fine, just say say no. But I'm surprised by how many of you think this is a normal reaction to a family/friends request for a favour that doesn't really put you out at all.

Katisha · 25/03/2011 11:46

Thing is irregular, the BIL never bother with OP otherwise. That's why.
It's not a normally functioning family with things out in the open like yours. Instead we have a rather entitled BIL who thinks OP is there for his convenience and not worth bothering with otherwise.

Original poster
LillianGish · 25/03/2011 18:21

Katisha, you hit the nail on the head. I'm not really precious about my home, we've done house swaps before now with friends who live near my brother (although admittedly not in this house). Last year we let friends stay while we were away while they were in the middle of a house move. The thing that annoys me about BIL and his wife is that they never come to see us (or MIL for that matter) unless there is something in it for them. You were also right about the pussyfooting, by the way, MIL and DH do it to keep the peace - noone wants to confront BIL (or rather his wife). I try to keep out of it for the most part - it's not the way we operate in my family, but I think if MIL wants to be a doormat (I think she fears she wouldn't see them at all otherwise) then it's up to her - I don't really want to argue with her about that, although she knows what I think. On this occasion I feel I could put my foot down as they are proposing to maintain their weird arrangements in my house. I can't be bothered - and it will be me who has to sort out all the domestic arrangements. I must say I've been quite surprised to find so much support on this thread. Seeing MIL at the weekend so no doubt we'll be discussing it then!

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 25/03/2011 18:36

Broken record. I wish I could, but I can't.

FellatioNelson · 26/03/2011 08:30

I think they are being cheeky and presumptious, but I don't envy you as saying no will seem as though YABU, which you are absolutely not. We have some relatives who would do this sort of thing - they are all take take take and no give, and it pees me right off.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/03/2011 08:48

I think I may be going against the grain here.

So, after all these years of them not bothering with you, they need help, and you feel that because you have not been friends all these years, you should not help them out.

Look upon it this way. There is a little girl who is not invited to a wedding, who has a sister who is part of the wedding party. There is a grandmother who is trying to do her best by this little girl. And you are saying tough luck, stay in a hotel. The people you are inconveniencing the most is your husbands mother and her grandchild. Do you think they would have taken the step to ask to stay in your house if it was not for their daughter? Otherwise, a hotel would been best all round, possibly preferable to them!

Of course, it is not your problem. They are cheeky beggars, and dont deserve your hospitality, eh? But they are also family, and your mil wont be impressed with you. She will respect your decision, but she will most likely lose some of her respect for you. Is it worth it? Over some potential mess and a few dirty towels?

I think you are being a little petty and shortsighted.

If it was me, I would tell them they are welcome to stay in your house, but you like to come home to a clean house, and will expect it to be as spotless as you leave it. And to bring their own bedding and towels, as you will have a lot of laundry yourself after your weekend away. At the same time, take the opportunity to say you would like to invite them over for a time when you are at home, as it would be nice to spend some time with them.

slipperandpjsmum · 26/03/2011 09:01

I am with irregular I would let them stay. Our Nanny always stays at our house when we go away (we take the children with us)!! Don't have a problem with it The house is always lovely and tidy on our return. It would have been nice for you to spend some time with them, altough I am getting from your posting you don't get on that well??

FellatioNelson · 26/03/2011 09:03

Actually Quint you are exactly right, and that's kind of what I meant when I said I don't envy her saying no, as she will seem U. I know deep down I would do as you have suggested even though I'd want to say 'bugger off' I wouldn't. But it would get chalked up on the Big Blackboard of Annoyance in my head along with all the other things my BIL and SIL sometimes do that I feel take advantage of us.

Julesnobrain · 26/03/2011 09:08

I would say no, you are in a rented house and your contract stipulates you are the only occupiers. If there was a fire etc you could be sued. That way you say no without having to address the fact that the reason you really want to say no is because they are freeloaders.

diddl · 26/03/2011 09:13

They don´t need to stay though, do they?

There´s no emergency that they need help with.

They just don´t want to pay out to stay elsewhere.

MrsDaffodill · 26/03/2011 09:15

I would say yes because of the reasons Quint says.

I find landlords are often much happier with a property occupied than empty. When we were renting and went to see our far-flung family we would often have someone in as it is not great to have a property empty for a month. We notified the landlord and he was always fine. The clause in the contract about "sole occupiers" I would interpret as not having someone move in permanently.

I have come back to my house to some disgraces over time - my cousin left the fridge open once (stinky!!) and my brother for some reason left a bike on the living room floor (why????). But I would still do it again.

MrsDaffodill · 26/03/2011 09:16

Oh, and I don't think it is quite fair to say they "don't want to pay out". It will be so much nicer for the elder DD and grandma to be in a house not a hotel.

Gottakeepchanging · 26/03/2011 09:24

I think that you are being unreasonable. They may be you bil but they are your dhs brother. Tne girls are his nieces not some random strangers.

Our family often stay in our house when empty and we stay In theirs. The older teens /uni ones decamp at a relatives for weeks on end..

It's part of being a family. One day you might want one of your children to stay with them for a while.

Families shouldn't need to ask. You should just offer. We have the rule they have to feed the cats but the dog goes to kennels.

My brother and sil had 17 people for 3 days in our house for new year. We were overseas.

brass · 26/03/2011 11:11

You can't really sing about what you 'ought' or 'should' do because it's 'family' when they are freeloaders who don't sound like they give a second thought to OP unless there is something in it for them.

When you accommodate people like this you become a doormat and there is no 'respect' in that.

Losing respect assumes you have some to lose but OP doesn't have their respect because they are being cheeky and disrespectful by not having the courtesy to ask her to her face but instead going through the MIL.

Where is their sense of family? Why is it up to OP to suck it up and accommodate them when they make no effort with her? It's not ok not to bother with people and then expect them to do you favours. That isn't how it works, in families or in other relationships. And if you put up with that then you must have low self esteem and a dysfunctional family. Effort on both sides = a relationship. Taking the piss makes you a self serving freeloader with an inflated sense of entitlement.

immortalbeloved · 26/03/2011 11:25

YANBU

I agree 100% with everything Brass just said

FellatioNelson · 26/03/2011 12:35

Actually I've just read the OP again, and given the GM has offered to have the child with her I don't see that 50 miles is so far to drive to drop off the daughter then go back for her the next day? After all the GM is going to have to drive the 50 miles to the OPs house for the night isn't she?

diddl · 26/03/2011 13:11

"It will be so much nicer for the elder DD and grandma to be in a house not a hotel."

But they could be at MILs house-wouldn´t that be nicest of all?

ZillionChocolate · 26/03/2011 13:23

OP YANBU. People staying in your house is a personal thing, there's no right or wrong. There are people I'd be happy with and people I'd flat out refuse. I don't think a biological link is important, it's the relationship you have with them. If your BiL and SiL don't put any effort into the relationship then you're not obliged to reward them with the use of your house for the weekend. Getting MiL to ask is really lame, although are you sure she's not interferring and they had accepted your "no"?

zikes · 26/03/2011 13:41

Maybe it was MIL's idea that they could stay while you're away anyway rather than theirs?

I think I'd let them stay for the goodwill. (Also cos I've pets they could feed!)

I'd ask them to use their own bedding and towels though.