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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want some space from my au pair.

99 replies

LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 14:28

DH thinks we should invite the au pair to join us if we have friends round to the house for supper or brunch. I would prefer if we did our own thing.

She is happy and settled and has lots of her own friends. I would like to be able to socialise with mine without her being present because she is quite, erm, chatty.

DH thinks I'm mean to not want to include her. I want some boundaries. She spends a lot of time with us. I don't mind her coming in to say hello and chatting for 10 or 15 minutes, but surely we are entitled to some privacy? I wouldn't join in if her friends visited, though would meet them and be perfectly friendly.

Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:

TheVisitor · 20/03/2011 14:33

No, you're not! You need time apart.

BigBadMummy · 20/03/2011 14:35

No, you are not being unreasonable. I think you really need to make sure you dont blur the boundaries of "au pair / employer".

Yes be civil and friendly but I think socialising is take it a bit far.

worraliberty · 20/03/2011 14:35

Perhaps your DH has a crush on her

Original poster

LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 14:37

Absolutely no fears about the crush! I think it's a sense of misplaced politeness.

OP posts:

waterrat · 20/03/2011 14:45

lady you are totally right about this - please, keep your boundaries. IT's for all your sake - she is already living with you and spending a lot of time with you - you will go mad. She is working with/ for you as well and the two of you need space. You are an adult and can have friendships she is not involved in!

littlepigshavebigears · 20/03/2011 14:48

is she young? Does she have much of a social life here?

I would be a bit worried if she is a young girl a long way from home without many friends, missing her family etc. I do think when you take in an aupair it isn't quite the same level of professional distance as with other types of employee. Isn't she supposed to feel like a member of the family?

I don't have an au pair though, so I am not judging you - just trying to see another side to it.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 20/03/2011 14:51

as long as you remember that au pair means on a par, and is meant to be treated as a guest rather than an employee, then yanbu.

Original poster

LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 14:51

Thanks, we had an argument about her joining us for brunch this morning.

Keep those YANBUs coming - I want to show DH this thread so that he realises that it is normal to want some boundaries in place.

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 14:59

We get on pretty well - generally relaxed and amiable. And she has loads of friends - she's very sociable and not at all lonely. We want her to be comfortable, if only for the children's sake.

But I want some space when our friends visit.

OP posts:

atswimtwolengths · 20/03/2011 15:46

No, don't blur the boundaries. If you treat her too much as a friend, then how do you tell her when her work isn't good enough?

You have your friends and she has hers. And if she's too chatty, well, who would want her sitting there amongst your friends? She wouldn't want you or your husband to sit in her room with her friends!

Onetoomanycornettos · 20/03/2011 15:52

I don't quite get the 'guest' status, I don't make any of my friends pick the children up from school or make sandwiches and or do light duties for four hours a day or whatever is the recommendation! I would think it would be fine to draw those boundaries, if she isn't angling to join (probably prefers being out with her own friends) then its fine for you to have different social circles.

candleshoe · 20/03/2011 15:56

My parents had several au pairs and one or two nannies for us over the years and they never ate with my parents or their guests!!! They either ate with the children or alone. She is an employee not a family member. Boundaries are vital!

candleshoe · 20/03/2011 15:57

Has he got an inappropriately 'soft spot' for her?

Laquitar · 20/03/2011 16:00

What about your friends? Perhaps they would also prefer it if it just you as they are coming to see you not your AP. Also - i might be flamed for this - if her english is not very good it might be boring for your guests having to speak slowly and explain every phrase.
As long as you do the clearing the table and dishes and your guests's dishes and not expect her to do it, YANBU.

IMO if your husband wants to be kind it would be better to help her with meeting other APs (by suggesting websites, talking to other families, starting a thread here on mn) or a lift to meet a friend.

QBEE · 20/03/2011 16:01

First thought in my head was that he was sexing her or wanting to sex her in the future.

Original poster

LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 16:02

She would like to join us. She likes talking about herself.

Both DH and I are quite fond of her but her conversation can be annoying so I would be very suprised if he has the hots for her.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 20/03/2011 16:03

Gosh cant a man be kind? Why this means he 's got a soft spot for her? Both, OP and her dh, just sound nice, kind people.

Original poster

LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 16:05

Her English is very good. She has no problems with communication.

DH is just ridiculously kind. We've had arguments about his altruism and boundaries before. While I'm a selfish witch.

OP posts:

waterrat · 20/03/2011 16:10

She's not a guest, she is working for you in return for lodging/ cash - it's completely ridiculous to think she should be involved socially with what you do all the time - presumably she is also much younger than you - she is not your friend, she is a lodger and you are totally right, you respect her right to have time with her friends - ditto for you.

Your home is such a precious space - you will end up not wanting to have an au pair if you have to inolve her in every aspect of your life.

sundayrose10 · 20/03/2011 16:15

I think the husband may have a crush on her. Watch how they interact with each other.

Original poster

LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 16:25

He really doesn't have a crush. DH is just not that kind of man. Really. She's 22 but quite immature and vain - at the very least, she's not his type.

I think he's uncomfortable having someone in our house with a fairly vaguely defined relationship and tends to overcompensate. I would prefer to be more upfront.

OP posts:

VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 16:34

Have you been an au pair before?

The point of becoming an aupair is to learn about another country in a family environment. In exchange for this you get cheap child care.

If you want an employee pay for a nanny. Seriously.

VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 16:36

I have to say I atually find the attitudes on this thread really offensive, The "help" shouldn't eat with you and be kept away?

Original poster

LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 16:40

You're misunderstanding VajazzHands. She eats with us most of the time.

But sometimes we have friends over to our house and I would like to socialise with them on my own. If she has her friends round, I give her space. I would like the same courtesy.

OP posts:

JustAnother · 20/03/2011 16:44

I think the correct thing to do would be to say to her "we are having friends round, but you'll probably find it too boring, so you might want to go out instead" (or something like that). You are meant to treat the aupair like she was another member of the family. If she was your older child, would you exclude her from this dinner? Hopefully if she'll seize the opportunity to go out and leave you in peace. If she didn't, it would be really odd to be having your dinner party while she's locked in her room, don't you think?

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