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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some space from my au pair.

99 replies

LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 14:28

DH thinks we should invite the au pair to join us if we have friends round to the house for supper or brunch. I would prefer if we did our own thing.

She is happy and settled and has lots of her own friends. I would like to be able to socialise with mine without her being present because she is quite, erm, chatty.

DH thinks I'm mean to not want to include her. I want some boundaries. She spends a lot of time with us. I don't mind her coming in to say hello and chatting for 10 or 15 minutes, but surely we are entitled to some privacy? I wouldn't join in if her friends visited, though would meet them and be perfectly friendly.

Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
new2cm · 20/03/2011 16:44

I was about to point out - but someone else has - that au-pairs should be treated as a type of guest. If you treat her as an employee, than she is a nanny and you are an employer who should be paying tax and NI!

VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 16:44

If that's the case YANBU just make sure that at least temporarily it is her home too and she shouldn't feel the need to hide away all the time if you and dh are very social

new2cm · 20/03/2011 16:49

I agree with JustAnother.

Original poster
LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 16:53

She is treated very well and we're fond of her. But another member of the family? Surely not. Equal, absolutely. But she was a stranger until recently - if she was a member of the family I would be able to tell her that she can be self-absorbed!

We're not excessively sociable, but sometimes we have friends over. I have tried the "I'm sure you'll be bored" line, but to be honest, it is probably our friends who were bored by her. There is an age difference, and she tends to talk about herself a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 16:55

And she needn't be locked in her room. There are several other rooms that she could be in very comfortably while giving me some space to be with my friends.

OP posts:
Skinit · 20/03/2011 16:55

My mate worked as an Aupair and hated that they exluded her from BBQ's and things. She felt terrible she said...sittng in her room like Orphan Annie whilst they all chowed down and had a laugh.

Original poster
LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 16:59

That's useful Skinit. I wouldn't want her feeling miserable.

Though why would she would want to hang out with a bunch of almost 40 year olds instead of going out and getting pissed ?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 20/03/2011 17:01

I agree with others: if you are paying her a live-in nanny wage, fully taxed and insured, then you would not expect her to socialise with you. She has the means to go out and enjoy herself.

If you are paying her au pair pocket money, she is living as part of your family and hasn't got the means to go out and enjoy herself independently. If you want her to stay out of the way when you have guests, you should give her some extra pocket money for an outing (as well as plenty of advance warning).

valiumredhead · 20/03/2011 17:03

It is polite to include her as she is living in your house. That's just one of the things that you have to suck up when you employ one, unless your house is big enough for her to have her own living quarters ( not just a bedroom.)

Au Pairs are usually young women who are away from home and should be treated as part of the family.

I agree with Vajazzhands

Original poster
LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 17:06

Blast. Looks like DH is winning.

Really? Can't I just give her some wine and a DVD?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 20/03/2011 17:06

No, you REALLY can't! Grin

SomethingProfound · 20/03/2011 17:07

When you have guests over does she assume she is going to be joining you, or does she wait for the invitation from you before becoming involved?

new2cm · 20/03/2011 17:07

Spot on Bonsoir! My problem is that I can't usually put points of view over well or express myself as well as some people.

Bonsoir · 20/03/2011 17:07

IMO the au pair relationship can very quickly degenerate into one of an underpaid servant. The pocket money an au pair receives is low because part of her compensation package is "living as part of the family". If the "living as part of the family" is excluded, her compensation package is inadequate.

Original poster
LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 17:07

Generally assumes she's joining in because she usually eats with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 17:08

She's paid pretty well and if she wants anything, she asks. I always have meals for her, even when she goes out.

OP posts:
new2cm · 20/03/2011 17:09

Give her a cinema ticket if you are that desperate!

Bonsoir · 20/03/2011 17:09

I think her assumption is correct! But I think it's fine to offer to pay for a cinema/pizza evening for her if you want her to go out while you have friends in. My parents used to do this with me and my sister when we were young and we didn't mind a bit!

Chandon · 20/03/2011 17:12

I think if you want to be with your friends on your own, you'll have to go to a pub or restaurant or friend's house and ask her to babysit.

practical ideal?

Original poster
LadyDisdain · 20/03/2011 17:16

Yes. But sometimes it's nice to stay in and just have friends here. I am still not that comfortable with her gatecrashing joining in so will probably invite people round even less.

I do need space from her. All that chatter. It does my head in if I don't get a break.

OP posts:
SomethingProfound · 20/03/2011 17:16

In that case I don't think YABU, you include her most of the time so wanting to spend an evening alone with friends isn't that much to ask.

Perhaps tell her she can have the night off a few days in advance and then casually enquire as to what her plans for the evening will be. That way she knows you don't expect her to be joining you.

lesley33 · 20/03/2011 17:16

I understand you wanting time with your friends away from her. But am uneasy that you have people for a meal in the house and exclude her.

Au pairs are supposed to be treated like part of the family. So if your sister was lodging with you and you would invite her to these meals, then you should invite the au pair too.

She is not like an ordinary employee. That is why you get to pay her so little money. A proper employee paid the going for childcare would cost much more.

FourFortyFour · 20/03/2011 17:19

I was an au pair abroad and went out once with the mother's friend, not the mother, and while they were lovely I felt out of place.

The au pair needs her own space too and I don't think you are mean to not include her. If it is just you and the children then it might be nice sometimes but she shouldn't expect to join in when you have parties or people over for dinner every time.

PepsiPopcorn · 20/03/2011 17:20

YANBU

waterrat · 20/03/2011 17:20

oh come on, I cant see how people can think it's mean that you occassionally want to have dinner with your own friends without a 21 year old guest sitting along. (and Im sure her being your au pair is irreleavant, it would be the same if you had a 21 year old family member staying).

Friends are there to have personal chats with - are you saying that if you have an au pair you can never have a private dinner / have private conversations with friends in your house again? I think thats ridiculous.

Its nothing to do with her being an au pair - she just isn't your close friend and it's totally normal to expect her to watch tv for example if you have friends round now and again.

I think the example of the barbeque might be different - if its a laid back social gathering with mixed ages then of course invite her - but people need space - and that includes the au pair as this OP is at pains to point out. If she had friends round and was having a chat in one corner of the house, it would be rude of the OP to plonk herself into the conversation.,

This will probably be easier if you are very clear about it however ie. we are having a dinner party tonight, just adults so wont be able to cook for you - I can leave you something or you might want to go out. that kind of thing.

honestly, the clearer the better...