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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask about taking dc to a wedding?

106 replies

rosie1979 · 19/03/2011 21:37

Ok - DH is best man at his friends wedding abroad. Wedding is on remote island near ibiza - mainly charter flights. No children are invited which is fair enough.
BUT - only 3 flights a week so will have to go for a minimum of 4 nights which IMO is too long to leave the dc's (one baby, one toddler) for. My idea is we could get a babysitter/nanny for the wedding and make a holiday of it. DH's friend goes mental and says this is really out of order as they want to spend time with US - not dc's. Are we BU? Help!

OP posts:

MaryThornbar · 22/03/2011 14:22

But Pingu, what if they just go for the wedding day/evening, get childcare for this and then disappear to a different hotel/Ibiza the next day? So their children are not bothering anyone else? It seems that they only want them to come if they come for 4 days without their DCs which is totally unreasonable of them.

TobyLerone · 22/03/2011 14:23

YANBU at all. In fact, YABVR considering how much you are willing to put yourself out to go to the poxy wedding in the first place.

RunAwayWife · 22/03/2011 14:26

Personally I would not let my other half swan off on a 4 day piss up at the expense of a family holiday, however old the friendship was, I think it is all go or nobody go.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 14:26

I'd be telling them where to go op. They've got a bloody cheek! Either take your kids or don't go at all. If you don't go you will probably lose their friendship but don't think you'll miss it

ENormaSnob · 22/03/2011 14:27

Couple can dictate the day but not the ops holiday.

Since when did a wedding last longer than a day?

No wonder people are getting fucked off with ott weddings, stag and hen dos etc.

minipie · 22/03/2011 14:28

YA SO NBU.

His wedding does not last 4 days. It lasts 1 day. The rest of the time is just because of the flights and is completely up to you how you wish to spend it.

If he wants a 4 day wedding then he should invite you to a 4 day wedding. (And you probably wouldn't go).

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/03/2011 14:34

Exactly. Fly to island, get nanny for children on day of wedding, enjoy wedding, have nice family holiday starting day after wedding. How is that holiday any of the bride and groom's business? I stand by my statement that to think so is bizarre.

DamselInDisguise · 22/03/2011 14:48

I'm amazed that anyone thinks it's ok for a couple to decree how their guests make arrangements to attend their wedding, especially given that they're not paying for any of the travel or hotel rooms. It's up to guests to decide where they're going to stay and how they'll deal with their childcare needs; nothing to do with the bride and groom. As for the crap about the rights to hangovers in the morning... Hotels are public places. They may well be full of other people's children anyway. I really don't understand why some people think weddings should be all about controlling what everyone does and wears over multiple days.

ENormaSnob · 22/03/2011 14:50

I think pingu is the groom.

Loie159 · 22/03/2011 14:59

so they are expecting you to take time off work (one or maybe both of you?) pay for flights and accomodation, outfits, possibly presents just becuase they decided to get married abroad and then to top it off they ban the best mans children from the wedding and the ISLAND - ffs who the fuck do they think they are.....!!! I only hope that if they do one day decide to have children they look back as this pathetic self indulegent nonsense with a feeling of shame. YANBU, tell them that your children are your family and you will not be leaving them at home for a week whether they like it or not. And as others have said you can even stay at a differnt hotle / villa / aparement if they find your children so difficult to bear. Poor you - and how horrible for DH who presumably is bfriends with the groom....

Snobear4000 · 22/03/2011 15:09

One day they'll look back, indeed, and be embarrassed by this. That's not much help now. YANBU at all. However, it is unreasonable to expect anyone without kids to know how hard it is to do anything, anything at all, what with the sleeping schedule, the babysitters, the child seats in the taxi etc etc.. Nobody ever talks about it with the childless, well, at least nobody talked to me about it. The amount of effort it takes just to get to see one friend every couple of weeks is immense, now that we have a child to look after 24/7.

Nobody told me it'd be like this. Nobody told your friends, apparently.

Do them a favour and let them know all about it before they start getting any weird ideas about procreating after the wedding.

But until then, you'll just have to forgive them for being pig-ignorant, as most of us were, before we had children.

minipie · 22/03/2011 17:28

Yes Pingu but as far as I can tell they didn't say the wedding was a 4 day thing.

They said it was a 1 day thing. It's only 4 days because of the flights. The groom then tried to say that the whole 4 days was wedding-related...

Original poster

rosie1979 · 22/03/2011 18:44

Hiya,
Thanks all for your comments/advice/suggestions - just a quick update altho not really an outcome -
Groom now refusing to speak to DH....altho dh emailed groom and said he wd definately be coming...we have heard from bride to be that groom feels dh wont want to be there as he will be thinking the dc's should be there and will be sulky! (DH is so not a sulker btw)
Bride was saying to me (via email) that dh has really upset groom and he feels let down...so he is sulking like a child.
Argh...it just gets worse and worse!

OP posts:

scotsgirl23 · 22/03/2011 19:12

groomzilla!!!

SandStorm · 22/03/2011 19:22

What gets is me is that I can understand the bridge and groom wanting all their friends there for the day but who wants to spend their honeymoon with friends? I can't imagine anything worse.

I'd leave them to it tbh - they sound like they're more work than they're worth.

dazzlingdeborahrose · 22/03/2011 19:24

Methinks the groom is too immature to be getting married but that aside...... This is one of those situations that calls for a face to face (or at least voice to voice) discussion. You need to abandon the email and sit down like civilised people and thrash the problem through. Do you want to go - yes. Can you go for such a long time without your children - no So the options are:

neither of you attends - I'm presuming this isn't an option as your hubby is best man so he and the groom must be good friends of some standing.

hubby attends alone

You bring the children and hubby attends ceremony alone but then you holiday together.

All go - babysitter arranged for wedding and then you holiday together.

Of those options, which do the happy couple prefer? They get to choose.

NinkyNonker · 22/03/2011 19:32

Do not try to placate them. They sound like knobs.

ChristinedePizan · 22/03/2011 19:36

Honestly, I read these threads about weddings on MN and I think the world has gone mad. It's a wedding FFS. Not a bloody state occasion. How people think they can dictate to their guests is beyond me.

grumpypants · 22/03/2011 19:40

but nobody is forcing anybody to do anything - they are inviting you to celebrate in the way that they want to. If you don't want to, don't. But much less emotional fall out to try to compromise sometimes - just yes or no and a nice present keeps the peace I find...

KaraStarbuckThrace · 22/03/2011 19:53

I would tell the groom to fuck off.

He is NBU to not want children at his wedding. But he is VVVVVVVVU to react the way he did about your solution. I would NOT want to leave a baby and toddler for that length of time, least of all to satisfy the selfish whims of a complete fuckwit.

ENormaSnob · 22/03/2011 20:01

Just kill the stupid, spoilt fucker.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 22/03/2011 20:01

What Kara said.

The groomzilla is behaving like a spoilt, petulant brat and needs to grow up.

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 22/03/2011 20:02

"dear Groomzilla,
I'm really sorry that you feel that I have let you down in my plans to come on my own to your 4 day Me-Fest wedding. As I explained before, we can't really afford to both come for 4 days without the kids and, as our plans to come to the wedding alone but then spend the rest of the time as our family hols don't suit your plans, I thought it best to come alone. As you know, I'm not a sulker and I'd really enjoy being your best man for the day. However, if this also is upsetting for you, I'll totally understand if you decide on an alternative best man. We'd have loved to have shared your day with you, but if it's not up be, then so be it. Have a truly happy day, mate.
MrRosie"

(BECAUSE WITH AN ATTITUDE LIKE YOURS YOU'LL FECKING NEED ALL THE HELP AND LUCK YOU CAN GET YOU IMMATURE BELLEND)

doittomorrow · 22/03/2011 20:06

Sulking? Get a fucking grip. I am assuming he is having a stag night/weekend/month?? He gets your DH all to himself then without kids.
Your original suggestion was completely reasonable and to just about anyone with offspring a perfect compromise. It is obviously not good enough for groomzilla (but possible for his wife to be? has she made any comments on the situation other than her future DH is 'upset'?) If you are happy with your DH to go alone then let him. However, it is an unfortunate truth that when kids arrive your circle of friends does have a habit of diminishing/changing. Based upon the tantrum he has thrown about this, how much of a friend do you think this bloke is going to be to your DH going forward?

Northeastgirl · 22/03/2011 20:09

Haven't read all the posts here, but the idea of booking a nanny for the day of the wedding and having the rest of the time together sounds a perfect compromise to me. Some people do get very weird when a wedding is involved!

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