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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask about taking dc to a wedding?

106 replies

rosie1979 · 19/03/2011 21:37

Ok - DH is best man at his friends wedding abroad. Wedding is on remote island near ibiza - mainly charter flights. No children are invited which is fair enough.
BUT - only 3 flights a week so will have to go for a minimum of 4 nights which IMO is too long to leave the dc's (one baby, one toddler) for. My idea is we could get a babysitter/nanny for the wedding and make a holiday of it. DH's friend goes mental and says this is really out of order as they want to spend time with US - not dc's. Are we BU? Help!

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 19/03/2011 22:17

Tough shit if they fall out with you.

You are being more than reasonable flying abroad and arranging a nanny for the wedding.

PenguinArmy · 19/03/2011 22:19

Can't you stay in a different hotel, tell them you will be there for the wedding day only and then enjoy the rest of your holiday.

you are so nBU

DayVLately · 19/03/2011 22:20

i think your dh is just going to have rephrase your intentions and to stand his ground - with the possibility of him not being the best man.

you can't possibly go without your dc - you will resent every moment of being there and then will no longer see these 'friends' once you're back in the UK.

I think you've thought of a really good compromise - why do these people want you to be there for so much time having 'r&r'. surely once they're married they'll want to spend time together on their honeymoon?

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 22:20

I think neither of you should go. Honestly.

"BF, since bringing our children would be to go against your wishes, DW and I would never want to ruin your special day, so I regret to inform you we will not be able to attend the wedding"

It's as simple as that. You are parents now and they need to respect that. If they can't, that's it.

Escallonia · 19/03/2011 22:22

Well then your DH has to man up and say, sorry but here's the deal - we all come, we sort nanny for the wedding day, and we will happily meet up with you during the rest of the stay but will have the dcs with us then. If that's no good, we can't come. If you can't accept that we have children, then clearly we can't be friends.

ENormaSnob · 19/03/2011 22:23

Agree tidy.

I wouldn't go at all in this situation and tbh, would consider the friendship over.

fivegomadinthelambingshed · 19/03/2011 22:24

As with Escallonia,

jenga079 · 19/03/2011 22:30

What Escallonia said.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 19/03/2011 22:35

I would be pretty pissed off with my DH if he allowed his friends to talk about my children as if they were shit on his shoe! he needs to man up and tell his 'mate' that hes a father and that is a much more important/fullfilling role than a best fucking man!

MaisyMooCow · 19/03/2011 22:42

Your friends are being quite unreasonable. You have children now and your priorities have changed. I suppose only when they have children they will realise how you feel.

elphabadefiesgravity · 19/03/2011 22:42

I really, really don't get this wedding abroad thing.

We can not afford to go abroad at all so certainly wouln't for a wedding and if we could manage it would not spend out holiday budget on a holiday without the kids.

Do the happy coupls not have any friends who can not afford to attend this type of wedding? It is just not on.

Bubbaluv · 19/03/2011 22:51

Wow - YANBU. I love a good child-free wedding and even a holiday, but I think what you are proposing sounds like the ideal compromise given you children's ages.
In fact the bride and groom should be paying for your nanny IMHO.

ravenAK · 20/03/2011 02:59

Unless you really want to go - I'd be tempted to send dh on his tod.

He can then hang out with mates, do the Best Man thing...& owe you one on his return.

Even without the child-free wedding factor, a wedding which involves dh as BM - so you single-handedly wrangling a baby & a toddler - is going to be a PITA for you. More so than dh nipping off to the wedding for 4 days!

& if he goes on his own, you'll save enough to fund a nice family holiday of your choosing...rather than having your dc be unwelcome tag-alongs at a destination chosen by someone else.

MorticiaAddams · 20/03/2011 03:40

Your friends are way out of order.

You aren't expecting to take your children to the actual wedding and they seriously think they can tell you what to do with the rest of the time!

Weird relationship if they want to spend time with you on their honeymoon. We really enjoyed having time just the two of us being ourselves again with all the wedding planning talk gone! It's a nice time to reconnect after all the fuss.

Usually in these cirucmstances I would say for your dh to go alone as he's the best man but not this time. I've never heard of a groomzilla before!

Gomez was best man at a very small desination wedding and we were asked to go when I was pregnant with first dc. Not being very hormonal at the time and quite practical, I agreed to go and leave baby who would then be just under a year but of course as soon as he was born we knew there was no way. Spoke to friends who just said they were expecting it and of course baby was very welcome.

VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 09:46

I wouldn't go. End of.

What an arsehole, he may well want tpo spend time with you, but you obviously want to spend time with your kids. Tell him to fuck off.

Doesn't bode well them wanting to spend their time with friends on their honeymoon anyway instead of gazin in to each other's eyes!

GiddyPickle · 20/03/2011 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lazylula · 20/03/2011 09:57

YANBU! I think you have reached a good compromise, you are happy to pay a lot of money to go abroad for a wedding, you are willing to pay for a baby sitter to mind your children for the day of the actual wedding, but you wish to make the trip into a family holiday for you all to enjoy for the rest of the time. Your friends need to realise they have a wedding DAY not a wedding HOLIDAY, and should not expect your children to go with out a holiday just to suit them. I would not enjoy a 'holiday' with out my children, especially if I knew they would not get one that year as finances would only allow the one holiday. It is time to TELL the couple this is what you will be doing, not ask them if it is ok, unless of course they are paying for the break for you.

ajandjjmum · 20/03/2011 10:04

Friends have a choice -
You go to their wedding with your children, and apart from the wedding day, enjoy the family holiday in a place and at a time specified by them, to fit in with their wedding plans - how kind of you.
or
You go on a family holiday and miss the wedding.
You can't afford to do both, and it's unfair on you as a family to miss precious time together.

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 20/03/2011 10:07

Please tell me you're not considering going under these conditions? Do you and DH always let your friends doormat you? Seriously, they must think very little of your family if your children are treated like this.

I personally would do exactly as Escallonia said. I certainly would be pissed off if DH went alone, and there is absolutely no way I would be pandering to their nonsense. Your suggestion is more than reasonable.

Rabat · 20/03/2011 10:09

YANBU

This has to be the most outrageous example of wedding maddnes/selfishness I have heard to date. WOW.

I would now have no interest at all in attending the wedding or continuing a friendship with these people and DH would have to go on his own, if he wanted to. I concede I haven't had the years of good memories of this friends to balance it with.

BellaBearisWideAwake · 20/03/2011 10:13

I love it when I agree with absolutely everyone on a thread.

Save this thread for when they have kids, and show it to them. If, by then, you are still in touch!

clam · 20/03/2011 10:20

Seems to me that the friendship is already damaged irreparably. Groomzilla has made it plain what they think about your kids, and how little they care about your life as a family.
If you go, then I reckon you'd secretly be harbouring resentment (when we went away without our much older kids I spent a lot of time thinking "ooh, they'd love this" ) and the friendship would wane anyway. And forever after you'd be kicking yourself for letting such arseholes dictate your holiday plans for you.
Some people's sense of entitlement staggers me sometimes.

VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 10:40

Please let us know what you guys end up doing,.... I hate when we don't get updated!

Original poster
rosie1979 · 20/03/2011 10:46

Wow, I was expecting a lot of YABU's....am tempted to email groom this thread....I am going to suggest dh goes solo.

They are obviously v old friends but don't have kids and don't understand , they are not planning on having kids so unfortunately will never understand!

Thanks for all the great advice and making me feel I'm not a selfish cow!

OP posts:
cornsilk678 · 20/03/2011 10:51

please do email the groom. He's behaving like a spoiled brat.

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