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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask about taking dc to a wedding?

106 replies

rosie1979 · 19/03/2011 21:37

Ok - DH is best man at his friends wedding abroad. Wedding is on remote island near ibiza - mainly charter flights. No children are invited which is fair enough.
BUT - only 3 flights a week so will have to go for a minimum of 4 nights which IMO is too long to leave the dc's (one baby, one toddler) for. My idea is we could get a babysitter/nanny for the wedding and make a holiday of it. DH's friend goes mental and says this is really out of order as they want to spend time with US - not dc's. Are we BU? Help!

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 20/03/2011 10:53

I would normally advocate dh going alone but in this case I wouldn't.

Do this couple normally dictate how you do things?

Do you normally go along with it?

Tbh this is one of the worst wedding threads I have read on here. They sound dreadful. Why would anyone presume their wedding guests want to share a holiday with them? Is the day not enough nowadays?

clam · 20/03/2011 11:43

I wouldn't suggest your H goes alone. Why do these people deserve that? They've "dissed" your family. Move on.

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 20/03/2011 11:47

Why should he go alone? That makes no sense at all. Surely either all go and get a babysitter as discussed, all go and only DH goes to wedding, or no-one goes.

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 20/03/2011 11:47

OR book a family holiday on a nearby island and just turn up to the island on the day.

ddubsgirl · 20/03/2011 14:33

my kids are alot older and i wouldnt leave them for that long!

saffy85 · 20/03/2011 14:37

Sod 'em. Book a holiday for your family wherever you like, be it that island or elsewhere and enjoy it. Tell groomzilla and his future missus to do one.

waterrat · 20/03/2011 14:41

rosie - I honestly think this is one of those situations that could be sorted out with some polite plain speaking.

YOu email them (take over if your H is being useless) - and say, it would be lovely to have r and r without the kids but sadly not possible. Firstly we can't afford two holidays and we need to take the kids if we are travelling abroad, so they get a holiday etc. secondly - because of flights it's too long to leave them (absolutely no further justifcation needed on this point, you are the parents, your decision)

Then say, we'll be having a nanny so looking forward to nights out with you guys and to enjoying the wedding child free.

thats it. honestly - you cannot ask people to leave their children in another country. You say it calmly and clearly - if they actually want to put their foot down further thats up to them.

so many situations become worse and mroe stressful because people dont speak openly - just tell them you are bringing your children, you are parents and are not having a foreign holiday without them. thats that.

waterrat · 20/03/2011 14:43

or, yes, he goes alone...

foreverondiet · 20/03/2011 15:22

They are being selfish and totally unreasonable.

You offered to get babysitter for the actual wedding (which IMO is right thing to do).... 4 days a long time to leave 2 very small children.

DH should go back to friend and say, sorry we can only come with DC, of course will get babysitter for DC at wedding and in evenings after they are asleep, otherwise we can't come.

EverythingInMiniature · 20/03/2011 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Escallonia · 20/03/2011 17:34

OP, imo you shouldn't send your DH alone ... if you can't afford 2 family holidays, why should you spend money forking out for DH to have a 4 day jolly simply because your friends think they should call the shots? And that also sends the message to this wanker the groom that he has the right to demand his friends drop their family and do his bidding because he fancies a bit of "r&r" with his mates but without the inconvenience of children.

What happens if DH goes on his own, or if you leave the dcs at home for 4 days or a week and then the newly-weds spend the entire time shagging in their hotel room and wanting to be on their own for romantic dinners etc, as anyone might on their own honeymoon?!

VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 17:57

The funny thing is it's people like this who when they do go on to have children become to most PFB and everything has to be perfect for little Tarqin..

Bubbaluv · 21/03/2011 06:54

I think you should at least TRY WaterRat's approach before you pack your DH off on a solo jaunt. Seems like a waste of money - unless, of course, you think you won't be able to enjoy yourself?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/03/2011 07:07

Tell them to get knotted. Because even if they do agree to your terms you know they're going to sulk through the holiday and ruin it anyway. They sound like pillocks.

(the is for the idea that they think it's up to them to agree your holiday plans btw)

MaryThornbar · 21/03/2011 08:22

I think it could be your DH also being a bit useless and not communicating properly with his friend. Blokes have a tendency to 'blame it on the wife' etc, and try to please everyone IME.

I don't agree with the sack them off as friends comments - he is Best Man, which presumably means they have been good friends for a long time.

I would contact them yourself directly, and just say that while you are more than happy to come and get a nanny to look after the kids for the wedding day, that you just can't come alone and leave them for that long, and the choice is either you get a nanny for the wedding day, or you just don't go at all.

Bubbaluv · 21/03/2011 20:52

Did you actually hear the conversation your DH had with the groom?
OME husbands are about as reliable as 5yos in relaying a conversation accurately.
Sometimes how things were phrased in these instances make a huge difference.

Bubbaluv · 21/03/2011 20:53

I meant IME not OME.

pingu2209 · 22/03/2011 13:43

I can see both sides to be honest. If they were getting married in England I would totally be on the bride and groom's side. However, as the wedding is abroad it is another matter.

As they decided to marry abroad they can't expect any of their friends and family to attend. But the question is, can the bride and groom expect their guests who agree to attend, to attend on their terms as they would a wedding held in England?

My view is yes they can. They have been clear and up front. We want you at our wedding but not your children. It is then up to you and your husband to decide whether to attend on that basis.

The wedding isn't just the 10 minute ceremony, it is also the meal and the party after, which may go on till the early hours the next day, and include the next day's hangover!

If you take your children will you have childcare abroad to cover right into the evening and ensure the children are not running around the next morning when everyone else has a hangover?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/03/2011 13:49

Of course they can't dictate their "terms" outside of the wedding itself. And why shouldn't the children run around the next day when everyone has a hangover? THat's a truly bizarre statement.

grumpypants · 22/03/2011 13:54

rosie - from your op name I'm assuming you and these friends are early 30s? It's totally normal now for people to still be clubbing/ childfree/ etc and thinking selfishly at this age, and they prob have a vision of a week of partying/ hanging out and can't get why you don't want to do that. I think this is about more than the wedding day itself, and like a grown up day for them. Anything that you do will be a compromise and not be great for any of you. Why not wish them well and either let dh go alone, or just duck out? when he agreed to this did your dh know what the set up was?
I have friends who couldn't get why i wanted to spend time with my dcs when i was the only one with them - lots of 'bet you're enjoying this, bless' comments if i went out child free....they will catch up (maybe) one day, but they just don't get where you are.

grumpypants · 22/03/2011 13:55

'grown up holiday'

Onetoomanycornettos · 22/03/2011 13:55

I would not go now anyway. Even if they agree to the nanny, it will be very hard for you to enjoy yourself on a small island whilst trying to pretend your children don't exist. They basically don't want any children there and have chosen a location which is not very accessible for families and is presumably expensive. You have children, so can't go. At the most, your DH could go. But I just wouldn't like them very much anymore if I was you.

ENormaSnob · 22/03/2011 14:00

Pingu, read the thread.

pingu2209 · 22/03/2011 14:06

It is not a bizare statement at all.

If I were the OP I would not leave my children (esp at that age) for 4 days/nights whilst I went abroad. I would say to the couple, it is your wedding so I have to accept your terms but I'm afraid your terms don't meet my family needs or budget so I am very sorry but I can't come. My husband would love to come but the cost of him attending alone is still too great an amount for our family to bear as it would mean we would forego our family holiday, which is essential to us.

However, I fully accept the wedding couple can dictate their terms - even if those terms affect not just the 10 min wedding but the whole time they are there. It is not to my taste at all, but the wedding (or holiday, whatever you decide to call it) is happening purely because of their wedding, therefore, they have a very large say on the terms of the day/days.

It is up to the guests to decide whether to attend on those terms or not.

If the couple said you can only come if you dye your hair green, so be it. Just say no if you don't like the terms.

My step sister got married in a castle in Scotland about 15 years ago (and they and their friends and family lived in Guildford - miles away). It was a child free wedding 'long weekend'. The whole castle was booked for their wedding and it was a boozy affair. It was sad, but some of their friends could not attend due to childcare difficulties. However, if they had gone but left their children in the room with a nanny, the children would still have been there the morning after, for lunch after the wedding etc.

As I said, not all of their friends could attend. However, she didn't fall out over it. She just accepted that if she wanted a child free weekend wedding then not everyone would come.

The whole point of my step sisters wedding was to have a long weekend in a castle with no children. In fact, she didn't want any parents staying in the castle either so my step father and mother had to get a room in a local hotel. She wanted the castle to be filled with her friends only - not family who tend to row!

RunAwayWife · 22/03/2011 14:21

It is his wedding so if he does not want children there that is up to him HOWEVER he does not own the Island .

Make a hloiday out of it and only see him at the wedding if he is going to be a twat about it.

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