To tell my MIL not to call me this???

[Skinit]

She keeps referring to me as "Mummy" so she'll say "Oh have you been cleaning the floor mummy?"

I HATE it. I'm not her Mummy. Nor anyone elses but my childrens. Other people do it too...I hate it with a passion. MIL often does it too as does FIL.

Its like reducing me to less than me....I can't be my name..... am only fucking MUMMY.

I just said "Please don't call me that. I don't like it"

And she said "Oh well I was only dong it as in speaking to you through your DD...making an observation about you"

NO SHE WASN'T! She said "Are you cleaning the floor Mummy" NOT "Is mummy cleaning the floor baby Skinit?"

She spoke to me. I explained to her...when I saw she was offended...I said "I feel it diminshes me...takes away a little more of me...which is already depleted. You wouldn't call someone HUSBAND or WIFE even though those roles may be part of who they are would you?"

She's still a bit and I was not agressive about my explanation at all...I tried to make her see why I didn't like it. so AIBU???

I don't know - I assumed they are because (fortunately) they are the only people who do it to me, and they always do it if I'm with ds, iyswim.

It is bloody annoying!

Ah....but it's different if that's the case. SCBU is not the same as ordinary life. I see the reasoning behind giving th title to Mothers who cannot be with their baby straight away....it would help some of them wouldn't it.

in defence of nickschick, i think you are defined somewhat by your relationships to other people.

i am a mum. dh used to use language much like your mil and i asked him to stop on numerous occasions he did eventually! BUT and its a big BUT, i don't feel it diminishes me in any way. It was just that i am not his mum - which i feel is the valid point. i am a mum, i am a wife, i am a daughter, i am a pupil, i am an employee .

i remember very vaguely a philosophy lecture about how the colour red is red because it's not yellow, or blue or green. I think it's kind of like that. I like that i am a mum and the only think i don't like about other people calling me such, is that i am not their mum.

It's incredibly disempowering to have a unit baby. To constantly have to ask if you can pick her up, then later on you're told to put her back because she's been out long enough, to ask if you can breastfed today or can you change her nappy or you come and find they've made a decision whilst you were away. I used to cry on my ward and say I didn't feel like her mum because they were parenting her not me. When they call you mum they're reinforcing that they know who you are and they're just looking after your baby. I guess it also reminds them of it because some times some nurses think the parents are just there to make their life harder. Also they have a lot of babies come through, double the amount of parents and four times as many grandparents not to mention siblings, aunts and uncles, it's a lot of names and far easier to stick to mum, dad, Nan etc without offending someone by getting the name wrong.

God, it would drive me up the wall as well. Interesting that people are talking now about SCBUs and tbe nurses calling the mothers 'mummy' or 'mum'. When dd was born, I got that, and that was the first thing I hated about being a mother! I think I assumed it was just because it was difficult for the nurses to keep a handle on people's names.

I assumed that too dotnet.

Custardo...the colour red is the colour red because it's not yellow...fine....but I am not a Mother becase I am not Skinit!

I am a woman,a Mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer....I'm not to be defined by any of the titles apart from my name. Because that's me...Skinit....it's who I have been from birth and it's who I will always be.

tbh a small part of me dislikes the title even from my children sometimes, though I admit this is usually after a bad day!

I adore and would die for them....they're my everything. But I am still me.

When you're finding yourself at around 17, 18 or 19 and you're so happy with who you are...it's magical. Then you have children and become someone else.

I understand that being called Mother, Mum or Mummy by my children is important for many reasons...both cultural and phycological...but I won't have it from anyone else.

OP, do you refer to your DP as "Daddy" when talking to the DC? If you do, then maybe you can understand better where MIL is coming from? Does your DP refer to you as "Mummy" when addressing the DC in particular or the family in general? It's tricky knowing where to draw the line.

Personally, I don't refer to my DH as "Daddy" to the DC. I will say "Please could you call [Tarquin] for lunch?" and not "pleaase could you call Daddy for lunch?" because he is not MY father.....only the DC get to call him that.

Hmmmm..., I def referred to myself as Muummy when the children were tiny (pre speech) eg "Let Mummy help you with that" because I AM their Mummy.

I would say "could you call your dad for lunch" because he is their dad.

it's really not a case of their name or the title they have for the children, when talking to the kids you can say your so and so.

Amy...I will say "Ask your Dad if he wants some ice cream"

Like that. They call him Dad or Daddy...depends.

MIL didn't do that...she adressed ME....

"Are you cleaning the floor Mummy" and no DC were present.

Amyamyamy I don't refer to myself as "Mummy" to the DC....I say "Let me help you with that" they know who I am.

YANBU, I would hate this. Even if she can't understand exactly why you dislike it, the fact that you do should be enough for her to stop doing it.

Yanbu.

Call her Granny at every opportunity.

I would take nethunsreject's advice-she might get the message.

I'm amazed by this thread, I would never have believed that so many people had thought so much about this. I never have! (I should point out that I'm amazed because normally I think about far too much!)

I think that it annoys the OP then she should say so (which she has, hasn't she?), and move on (which from the sounds of things she will do).

Personally, I don't really get what there is to be annoyed about, but the fact is, she is annoyed. However, she seems to have sorted it out in a reasonable way, so that's that.

Thanks foxter!

It's threads like this that send a cold shiver down my spine. I have 2 DS's and can only hope and pray (fervently) that my DIL's don't get wound up about such inconsequential crap! Seriously.

The mind boggles.

Also.. 'My MIL used to ask me about DS, 'how is my boy?'
I know it sounds innocent, but she has boundary issues, so I would say 'oh, DH is fine.'

WTF?? Boundary issues? She's his grandparent. 'My boy' is a term of endearment. Has nobody got anything better to get uptight about?

Solpadeine.

You have fears about your DS future wives. That's fine. But don't call my opinions and feelings, crap...they're perfectly valid.

My MIL is a controlling woman. You may not be.

I also resent my MIL assuming "rights" over my children. They're not hers and there are boundries. The DS in question is not "her boy" he is her grandson. Very different things.

My MIL grabs and snatches and tries to leave me out...she pushes and shoves and generally tries to assert herself over me. Will you do those things?

'My MIL grabs and snatches and tries to leave me out...she pushes and shoves and generally tries to assert herself over me. Will you do those things?'

No I won't. Unfortunately, after reading the numerous MIL threads on MN I will most likely keep my mouth shut and my head down. It's sad that when/if my DS marries/has a partner, it's seems pretty likely that I will have to relinquish all 'rights' over to my DIL, and rather than popping in unannounced from time to time to see my GDC I will have to make appointments. I think there must be a large number of MILs who have to tiptoe around their MIL's for fear of causing offence (I don't include you in this Skinit, your MIl does sound controlling).

As for 'my boy', both my DM and MIL call my DS's 'my boys' and I think it's lovely.

However, you're right, your opinions are valid and I shouldn't have said they were crap, so I apologise.

• tiptoe around their DIL's

Solpadeine, just as an aside - I would love to have a matie relationship with my MIL. But sometimes people just aren't compatible in that way, for whatever reason. I think I could be a good MIL (if I ever have a son) as I have a lot of female friends and am all for the sisterhood, I know that sounds a bit cheesey.
What I mean is, please don't worry about a future DIL, if you and your sons have a great relationship and are close, there's no reason why the wife they may choose won't love you and want you around too.
I often hope that my MIL would change and just stop the b*tchy comments, because I'd love to have a 'popping in for a cuppa' relationship with her, and I class her involvement with DD as very important to me, her, DH and DD.
But some of us just aren't lucky enough to have lovely MIL's! It's just life I'm afraid!

Thanks Daydream, I hope my DIL's feel the same way as you . I'm sorry your MIL is the way she is, especially as you want a good relationship with her.

I know there are some truly toxic MIL's out there, and I can't for the life of me understand how they can be so unpleasant to their DIL's.

I don't think of my DS's as my possessions, and I really hope they find lifelong wives/partners that they love and respect, it's all any mum can really hope for. I won't be trying to stamp my authority, or try to tell them how to live their lives. I will quietly let them get on with it, but I really do hope to be part of their lives, equal to my DIL's own mum...but from what I've seen it rarely happens.

It scares me, and my 2 boys are under 4!!!

Just by caring about it I'm sure that you will have a good relationship with any future DIL's.
We spent one Christmas in Australia with DH's family, I was missing my mum terribly (was 22 at the time and was first Christmas away from my family) and so was desperate to be 'looked after' by my MIL and craved a warm relationship. Hoped she'd step up to the plate knowing I was young and far far away from home at Christmas. She didn't. Was far too pre occupied with suiting herself and moaning about the rest of the family. Didn't even seem to hear me when I said I was missing my mum .
So the relationship was in her hands really. I still see her as often as possible mind you, for DH and DD.

Daydream, that's just awful and so sad . If my DIL's were upset, I hope I would see it and try to comfort them. It goes without saying that anyone who loved my boys, looked after them and treated them well would automatically have my undying affection!! Of course, I would also expect my DS's to look after and take care of their wives/partners too.

Although it must be very difficult for you, you have done the right thing in terms of your DH and DD. Others might disagree with me, but you are doing exactly the same as I would. I hope one day she realises how lucky she is.

On a brighter note Solpadiene, my Mum has a very good relationship with my Brothers now ex wife.

They liked one another...they really did and even after bro and SIL got divorced, (no kids) my Mum and ex SIL have stayed in touch.

I think if you're a normal person then you'll be fine!

But as a MIL is so close to a womans kids and husband...any personality defects are really magnified.

If I meet a woman who I am not related to and she has weird or unkind habits, then I avoid her.

I can't do that easily with my MIL and she's around my most important people. So clashes are inevitable.