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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my MIL not to call me this???

125 replies

Skinit · 18/03/2011 13:14

She keeps referring to me as "Mummy" so she'll say "Oh have you been cleaning the floor mummy?"

I HATE it. I'm not her Mummy. Nor anyone elses but my childrens. Other people do it too...I hate it with a passion. MIL often does it too as does FIL.

Its like reducing me to less than me....I can't be my name..... am only fucking MUMMY.

I just said "Please don't call me that. I don't like it"

And she said "Oh well I was only dong it as in speaking to you through your DD...making an observation about you"

NO SHE WASN'T! She said "Are you cleaning the floor Mummy" NOT "Is mummy cleaning the floor baby Skinit?"

She spoke to me. I explained to her...when I saw she was offended...I said "I feel it diminshes me...takes away a little more of me...which is already depleted. You wouldn't call someone HUSBAND or WIFE even though those roles may be part of who they are would you?"

She's still a bit Hmm and I was not agressive about my explanation at all...I tried to make her see why I didn't like it. so AIBU???

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 18/03/2011 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeSelby · 19/03/2011 07:35

Do you really feel your identity has been so diminished/you've been so depleted by motherhood? I think it's fair enough saying that you'd rather MIL didn't call you Mummy but your explanation to her seemed to suggest there was more to it than that.

Pagwatch · 19/03/2011 07:38

I think DeSelby has a point.
My mil could call me twathead for all I care.
I am very comfortable with who and I and what my status is.

What people call me doesn't diminish me.

exoticfruits · 19/03/2011 07:42

Do you not refer to her as 'Granny' then? It all seems a mountain out of a molehill. I think it is fairly natural to say something like 'have you done the shopping,granny? when she isn't your grandmother. If you don't like it then just ask he nicely not to do it. It will stop anyway as DC gets older-people have to work their way into new relationships when there is a DC.

comixminx · 19/03/2011 07:49

I think being called Mummy is a bit diminishing, even if you're comfortable in yourself with who you are and what your status is. it's one thing you do, elevated to you being that and nothing else.

My MIL sporadically calls herself & PIL Mother and Father, which grates on me but I obviously can't say anything about what they choose to call each other. But if they call us Mummy or Daddy, I'll be on it for sure.

MissyKLo · 19/03/2011 07:53

Good on you for not letting things fester and speaking out - there is nothing wrong with that, you were polite and said what you feel. And to those who said why is OP asking if she is being untrainable when she thinks she isn't - of course she can argue against some opinions that she is, she can still ask the question and not agree with some replies!

As another ballsy, say it as it is woman I think it is good you spoke up, why have years of inward seething about something you dislike when a polite conversation can clear things up?!

MissyKLo · 19/03/2011 07:55

Madamdeathstare - or should i say Ma'am, that made me lmao! I can just imagine you being called that! We bow down to you and your wisdom Grin x

Pagwatch · 19/03/2011 07:58

Sorry comixminx, I can't agree.
Firstly I don't believe i can be diminished by someone else.
And , even if I could, that would surely only be arguable if you were called mummy all the time. If the ops mil called her mummy all the time I would have an issue with that. But people often call parents mummy and daddy in front of small children, in the same way I used to call my mum ' grandma' in front if very small dd. ..."oh grandma, you are here at last. We have been waiting"

It dropped away as soon as dd was bigger . It is not malicious . It is just the slightly nutty stuff you find yourself doing when your dcs are small...like saying ' hello tigger' to some 30 year old bloke in a costume at Disney...and hugging him.....and getting his autograph.. Grin

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/03/2011 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 19/03/2011 08:00

Well I think you are being ott about it, there are things that it is worth getting wound up about and this isnt one of them!

It seems like you arent very forgiving of her, saying that she is in "MY FACE" everyday and that if she took offence it would be good riddance. Is it what she calls you that really pisses you off or is that an excuse for being pissed off with her in general?

exoticfruits · 19/03/2011 08:00

Exactly Pagwatch-it drops away when they are bigger. I can't see the fuss-just tell her that you don't like it-or how is she to know?!

exoticfruits · 19/03/2011 08:02

I think that people have all these issues when they first have DCs and when the DC is walking and talking and develop their own relationships they disappear. People seem to get over sensitive to start with.

MarshaBrady · 19/03/2011 08:05

Is your MiL around you every day? Sounds like you need more space.

comixminx · 19/03/2011 08:06

Pagwatch, as a more extreme case, do you also not mind if people call women "girls" too? I'd say that's definitely diminishing and has a pervasive effect, even if as an individual you don't mind it particularly. But we may have to agree to disagree about the possibility of such words diminishing one.

I agree that it normally drops away as the DC are bigger so is not a big deal in the long run, but I sympathise with the OP finding it annoying right now. And sometimes it lingers on well after the kids are grown.

MarshaBrady · 19/03/2011 08:09

Even if it is irrational it is annoying the op and easy to fix. I don't see the problem.

Bogeyface · 19/03/2011 08:11

Comix, my two penneth is that a woman is someone older than me, a girl is my age or younger, because obviously I am still young enough to be referred to as a girl ;)

Well, in my head anyway.......

Pagwatch · 19/03/2011 08:22

How I feel about women being called girls has absoloutely nothing to do with this situation.

Of course I am familiar with the way groups of people can be diminished in society by demeaning terms.
That does not mean that any individual woman in a specific situation can be diminished by their use.
The idea that women are so fragile that the use of a wafty term will crush any individual woman irritates me slightly.

If women in general are called girls that is patronizing and demeaning. If a bloke calls me a girl I couldn't care less because he does not impact my status. Ditto my mil calling me mummy

ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 19/03/2011 09:09

lovelybertha I do that with my ds Blush but only so he knows that I am mummy because he's not speaking yet and I don't know how he would know to call me that if he never heard the word....I suppose it is a bit weird if your kids are in high school though Grin

Condensedmilkaddict · 19/03/2011 09:56

YANBU

My MIL used to ask me about DS, 'how is my boy?'
I know it sounds innocent, but she has boundary issues, so I would say 'oh, DH is fine.'

comixminx · 19/03/2011 10:27

To be honest, pagwatch, I didn't get from your original comment that you were drawing such a distinction between the general point and how a specific individual might take it. Of course you are entirely at liberty to not care less about being called Mummy or being called a girl. I still think it's perfectly understandable & reasonable for the OP and me to not like it. It doesn't mean I'm fragile & crushed if I think the use of Mummy is a diminishing term in general. But yes, despite any use of that I do stay me, undiminished in fact, and that's the main thing.

CrapBag · 19/03/2011 13:45

YANBU.

It doesn't matter if people think you are being oversensitive or she is only being nice etc, the fact is it bothers you, she knows this and you explained very nicely why, therefore she should respect your wishes and not do it.

Why do people not grasp that sometimes? It doesn't really matter if other people think someone is being petty, if something bothers someone, then the other person should stop doing it, regardless of what it is.

kittybuttoon · 19/03/2011 13:53

If it's a habit with her to call you Mummy like this, she may take a bit of time to stop doing it.

My DH was (understandably) upset that I'd say things to the dog like 'Has your Dad got you all muddy?'

I didn't even realise I was doing it Blush and it took me ages to stop! So don't be too hard on her while she tries to get out of the habit.

ValiumSingleton · 19/03/2011 13:58

If there was a 'like' button on here I'd press it for the OP. If the mother in law didn't get it she's thick. Maybe call her motherinlaw for a while?

MadamDeathstare · 19/03/2011 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 19/03/2011 14:09

And fwiw I am not sure why my thinking that being called mummy in front of my child is something that could ever diminish me.

But I am happy for people to regard it as such. That is entirely their view and a valid one
As long as no one tells me that being called mummy is diminishing and I have no choice to regard it differently.

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