To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect? MARK 2

[colditz]

LeQueen "Can someone please explain to me why living apart from your DH damages your marriage...but living apart from your children doesn't damage your relationship with them in anyway?

Please ...I genuinely don't understand."

Because your children can't have an affair, LeQueen

My child sees his granparents every week and no I don't need downtime from my oh after 25 years we pretty much get on, how strange that you do.

Maybe you spend to much time together lol.

And yes I am banging my head against a wall too.

but Lequeen, I don't live surrounded by people who wold recoil in horror at the thought that my children might go boarding one day.

tbh, if anyone did actually recoil in horror, I would think them a sanctimonious twat.

but there you go.

I'm pretty gobsmacked by some of the views on this thread really...

I am a forces wife, although have only been so for three years. DH and I were together for 4 years prior to that. I have 3 DC who are not my DH's and we are expecting a baby together in July.

My oldest DS weekly boards. In September, he will probably board full time as we are moving away. It is entirely his choice and he chose to go to the school he does whilst waiting to see if he had a place at the local Grammar. The only local comp is appalling, so we looked at the boarding school as an alternative. That was his preference. I hate him being away. I am used to it now, after almost three years, but I do miss him a lot, as do my other DC. If it were my choice I would rather he came with us when we moved, but he is in the middle of his GCSE's and aside from that, he loves it at the school and wants to stay there. DS2 would also love to go to the same school, as he hears his DB's stories, but I feel he is too young, aged 10, to make his own decisions about that.

We get CEA, I don't work. I see it as an opportunity for my son to get a good education, it has nothing at all to do with childcare and after all, I have my other DC to look after.

The alternative for us would be to buy our own house and I would live in it with my DC. However, that would mean as well as myself not seeing my DH, neither would my DC and although he is not their Dad, they think an awful lot of him (as he does o them) and have a good relationship with him. They love spending time with him. That option would also be more limiting to us finacially and although we aren't badly off, that would obviously have a negative impact both on my DC and my DH's two DC with his ex wife, whom he obviously contributes to financially. The other aspect of myself and DH living apart would also be that leave was spend between seing us and his DC from his first marriage, whereas this way he can free up more of his leave to see his DC.

Most forces familes where I live do not send their DC to boarding school, of the ones that do, I don't know any under secondary school age.

'But, you must understand that for the vast majority of people, to live apart from your own children just seems wrong on every level, and would need to be avoided at any cost.'

No, you MUST understand that we don't enjoy the prospect of living apart from either our dh's or kids, but sometimes a choice has to be made. For us, that choice has been years apart so I could work, and ds could be stable. Now we are living together, then ds will board at 16 as otherwise I would have to move him at the end of year 12 which would be setting him up to fail, and disrupt his education.

I hope you never find yourself in the situation that you have to make the choices Forces families have to make, as I think you would explode trying to make the compromises we have to. You totally lack any sort of understanding or empathy for what it is like to be a Forces family.

You would whine, whinge and moan if HM Forces weren't there doing the job they do, and being the backstop for the public sector services such as health, fire and ambulance, when they strike. You may like to consider that behind the uniforms that serve the UK on a daily basis are men with families who make difficult choices to ensure that HM Forces do their job.

"If you lived among civilians who reacted with horror at the thought, would it make it that much harder?"

Do we really need to make the decision much harder? Seriously?

I agree that being surrounded by people for whom the realities of Service life are the norm makes our lives easier. It's much nicer to grieve together when someone doesn't come home, to empathise when the boiler stops working and your spouse is uncontactable, when the kids are playing up and there's no one coming home to relieve you of your duties. It's also much nicer to live surrounded by people who share the same wry humour at the idiosynchrasies and vagaries of Service life as well as the hardships and joys.

Just like any other community, really.

leQ

You are coming across as increasingly insecure and needy. Why do you need to keep denigrating Forces families? Are you desperately holding on to a vision of your perfect family because something is wrong?

My civvy friends are not "horrified" but perhaps distressed at the thought of sending theirs. But knowing me and getting a glimpse of our life, they can see there is no easy solution.

Servicewise, it is just recognised as *a solution to the conundrun of teens in the forces.[confused}

idiosyncracies

We had parents' evening yesterday. His teacher informed me that Ds had told her he was leaving the school as he had been awarded a choral scholarship. Weird as we hadn't spoken about it since the school open day in January. Both his class teacher and music teacher think that he should go if he is offered a scholarship because, his music teacher said, he has a gift and he should be encouraged to use and develop it. Something he won't be able to do at his current school.

The fact that he has told everyone at school (but not told me ge had) simply confirms to me how keen he is to go. If I went with some of the opinions on this thread I'd have to refuse him the opportunity to do something he clearly wants to do very much indeed.

leq.................comes across as exactly how I feel not needy at all.

Just someone who adores her family and would do anything to keep them together.

A family that eats together stays together and you can't eat together 100's of miles away.

'But, if you lived with people who politely, but firmly made it clear that BS simply would never be an option for their family, would that make a difference to your peace of mind?'

Their opinion, like yours, would be irrelevant to my decision. I have never lived on a married patch in my married life; it would be none of my neighbour's business in Cornwall, and here, living in a Flemish community, it wouldn't bother them either. I don't tend to discuss my decisions about my ds's education with the neighbourhood actually, do you?

If he is keen to go then let him, is he trying to get away from something?

LeQ: interesting. Others (mainly on the previous thread) have been able to have similar curiosity satisfied with only one explanation, without veiled or explicit criticism of the Forces and most definitely without ill-informed ramblings on the thought processes of a fictitious spouse.

My neighbourhood is quite close and we do discuss things....yes. I am sorry you only have your OH to talk to and when he is hardly there....I wonder what you do...

Good luck MollieO.

This is Forces debate now isn't it? Nowt to do with my parent's family. Excellent.

I am speechless with admiration for the forces wives on here and tbh don't know how some of them are managing to remain so calm and reasonable.

It is entirely right and proper that all choices should be open to them regarding living and education and that each service family should be able to make their own decisions regarding BS or not as and when it is relevant to their own situations.

As the ex-wife of a (non-military) peripatetic workaholic, I chose to stay away from my Ex H in order to stabalise my DC's education without sending them away to school. They all ended up in BS at 13 as Ex H had, by that time started his own business and was "home" 24/7 and our relationship had degenerated so much over the preceeding 13 years that life at home was not the best thing for their schooling, however much I loved and missed them and wanted them around. It wasn't about me, it had to be about them.

Would things have been different if I had followed Ex H around the globe and carted the DC with me until they were 7 or 8 and sent them to BS then? Probably. Would they have been ultimately happier if we had remained a stable couple and not had an horrendous divorce? Most definitely!

'A family that eats together stays together and you can't eat together 100's of miles away.'

Of course, every non boarding family eats together every night, and there is no incidence of divorce in civilian life; no children coming in from school, heating meals in the microwave and eating in their rooms as their adult isn't in til late if at all; no children who don't go home til 2100 at the earliest as they have been drinking alcopops in the park with their mates. The examples are from some of the kids in the tutor groups I've had when teaching.

'But, if you lived with people who politely, but firmly made it clear that BS simply would never be an option for their family, would that make a difference to your peace of mind?'

Irrelevant here too. Look how much discussion it has taken for you to see some of what we are saying about the complexities of service life. I don't gereally ask my friends and neighbours about major parenting decisions do you?

We know the choices we make for our families are the best we can make at that time with the information available. I am at peace in my mind about our decision. It's only you that isn't and i can live quite happily with your anxieties for us.

ok not all familys I agree but better chance than if they are 100 miles away drinking beer in the park or worse.

"This is Forces debate now isn't it?"

It's amazing, really how a debate on boarding school turned into a debate on Service family life. Service children make up such a small part of the boarding population.

I think it's that we Forces wives were daft enough to come on to the thread to try and explain why boarding school remains a valid choice for Service families and, boy, have we been castigated and given a thorough interview without coffee!

'I am sorry you only have your OH to talk to and when he is hardly there....I wonder what you do...'

I talk to my Mum and my friends, but not the neighbours (I don't speak Hungarian either).

When he's not here....MN of course!

I am so please that all of you with your much more loved and bonded children are making such a good job of showing them how to be narrow minded,supportive and rude adults
Talk about damaged for life......can happen wheather a child is at home or not!!!!!!

He could be drinking beer in the park here with his schoolmates, except his mean mother won't give him the pocket money, a lift or the time away from revision to do so.