To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect? MARK 2

[colditz]

LeQueen "Can someone please explain to me why living apart from your DH damages your marriage...but living apart from your children doesn't damage your relationship with them in anyway?

Please ...I genuinely don't understand."

Because your children can't have an affair, LeQueen

I left school physcially in 1986, but in so many ways I am still there, and will never get my childhood back again.

jynxed -i had a miserable teenage time. At home - but with only an abuseive father who worked away a lot. My childhood would have been fab at a shit BS

I would have loved it anyway - `i have mooted it with my kids as i am very obsessed by education and happy childhoods.... some of mine would LOVE it - some are not suited at all.

Like many things - horses for courses - not abuse

Jynxed You were at BS the same time as I was. What school, on earth, were you at? I had plenty of other friends at other schools then and no-one else, I know anyway, had an experience like yours.

Jynxed you had a terrible time - where on earth were you at school? I'm about the same age as you and I love every second of mine, and all my friend that boarded at various places around the UK equally enjoyed their schools. We all have fantastic relationships with our parents - I've done a rough poll over the past week with most and nothing's changed. Some have children who board and some don't. I feel so sad for you that you had such a dreadful childhood - your school sounds horrendous, but your home life really didn't sound any better. But please don't let that cloud your views on Boarding as I genuinely believe your school was absolutely in the tiniest minority.

It was a state run boarding school, not a private school. There are a couple of dozen around the country, and most of them have a large number of military or civil service kids. Don't want to out myself by naming my particular school, I have already given too many clues to my identity to those who know me. The fact that it was not private was not significant beyond the fact that there was probably less money to provide out of school hours facilities. We were still just girls marooned without a family and without care, love, advice or guidance. There was a struggle local rumour our boarding house was actually a brothel, and in the way we all searched for any type of love it may have been closer to the truth than we cared to admit.

Nota - I have no doubt that plenty of people had miserable childhoods for various reasons. But that does not make any form of abuse right. Having an abusive father is a breach of the trust of childhood, and so is being sent away from home. I am not going to judge which is worse, they are both wrong.

I do understand that schools have probably changed now, in the way that it is no longer acceptable to physically punish children, but I am not convinced that it is possible to meet emotional needs from a distance.

Jynxed As I said previously I am sorry you had a shit time. Are you having any professional help?

Maryz - I am sorry to sound condemning of your decision. I do realise that sometimes people face almost impossible decisions, particularly in families with children with SN. Where there is parental love and support, and the child knows that the love and support is very real and omnipresent, then I am sure it can work, if the right school is chosen. What has me spitting feathers is the "its expensive, its status, it frees me up for my career and social life, and a little bit of suffering sets you up for the future" brigade.

No, I've never had any sort of counselling. I really think that if I opened that can of worms it would be detrimental to me. I can usually shut it away, until I see threads or hear conversations about the delights of boarding school. If I fully relived it I think it would lead me down a path of suing the edc authority that ran the school and formally cutting off any connection with my parents (subtle distinction from just never contacting or speaking to them). That could take over my life too much.

To think Boarding Schools are an expensive form of neglect

I think if you see a thread title like that you should hide it.

Take care.

Have you never picked a scab?

i think it's good to talk a bit about it and equally to see that others had experiences like yours

Jynxed - I really feel for you and am glad you have shared your experience on here. Certainly makes me think

I did spend a short time at a boarding school in the 70s (language programme) and I certainly didn't get the impression that it was in any way an abusive or unpleasant place. The girls mainly seemed happy; the ones who were unhappy were troubled with exactly the kind of thoughts suggested by some posters: that their particular parents had sent them away not because of pressing external reason but because they could do without them. Which is very different from choosing the least bad alternative. And which certainly only applied to a small number of girls.

I would never personally have opted for it longterm had I been given the chance, but that was not because I saw the boarding school as a bad place, merely because what my own family could offer was even better. And because I was someone who craved physical freedom and felt there was something infantilising in the (necessarily) strict routines and constant supervision of a boarding school. But if things had been different...

I do see why Forces families make this difficult decision, and I don't see the value in berating them for going down that road when they clearly see it as the only viable option for them, and have involved the children in the decision as well. Especially at the moment, when the strain on our national armed forces is so great (am just off to make a voodoo doll of DCameron.)

There is a huge distinction between families that have this kind of transient life, (and so do it as much as they have to to give the children the educational stability they ask for) and the parents who impose it upon their children because they did it and there is generational expectation, or because they are incapable of giving their children what they need, and therefore keep the family pattern of emotional illiteracy going because they feel helpless in doing otherwise.

Controversially, I believe that families who make this choice should never have had their children in the first place, and may well have done it for genetic continuity/family expectation/to provide an heir, etc. Appalling.

we have thought about BS for one of our children for various reasons including practical ones. Said child jumped at the chance but we thought not at the time ( aged 15) Now coming up for 17 it is being mooted again and aside from financial reasons - it's a great school I do not see many reasons why not to.... a decent proportion of my DC1 friends in his house at university are only 17 when they went - DC1 was just 18. Age does make a huge difference in the whole BS argument imo

Just popped back to apologise to missmehalia and anyone else I may have offended by the use of the term "forces wives". I can only plead old age in mitigation. No offence intended, am just a dinosaur, is all.