To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect? MARK 2

[colditz]

LeQueen "Can someone please explain to me why living apart from your DH damages your marriage...but living apart from your children doesn't damage your relationship with them in anyway?

Please ...I genuinely don't understand."

Because your children can't have an affair, LeQueen

I am saying Sorry.

hmmmm very genuine chips

Have been reading more of this now. Didn't realise that 'Forces Wives' really was an expression that people use. No-one said 'Forces Husbands'. Wonder if there are any.. honestly, some of this reads as if we're still in the 1950s.

Would just like to poke my head around the door and wave frantically at Nota, Scary, Maryz along with all the other wonderfully sensible people.

Not forgetting my hero Kung

(P.S. Can I join your commune - full military brat, does that count?)

There is an interesting film about four girls starting at Cheltenham ladies college on the iplayer at the moment. It's called My new best friend.

'You would whine, whinge and moan if HM Forces weren't there doing the job they do, and being the backstop for the public sector services such as health, fire and ambulance, when they strike. You may like to consider that behind the uniforms that serve the UK on a daily basis are men with families who make difficult choices to ensure that HM Forces do their job.'

Hear, hear.

Yes the armed forces have been subject to the same pay cuts as all other public sector workers - except they do not have the same right to strike. So when others decide on industrial action it will be our armed forces that try and carry on the work regardless.

Anyway - would love to stay and discuss more but today I am off to school to see my poor neglected children.

Personally, I have never been in a situation where boarding school would appear as the best (or even a possible) alternative for my children. But if I ever were then I hope I would be able to treat this like the countless other parenting decisions I have taken and regularly do take which could hardly be regarded as defensible in an ideal world, but which seem like the best alternative in this less-than-ideal-world that we do live in. We all do it. All the time.

And the funny thing is that the majority of our children do grow up reasonably happy.

Yup. That's all you can do: find the best alternative for your family.

thanks Emkana will look

I am still astounded by all the naysayers on here - I cannot help but draw a parrallel (?) with nursery education

I just do NOT see what is different apart from the fact that older children have a voice ...oh and actually need much more hands on parenting than older children

Army brat here, send to boarding school at 9. Didn't see my parents for months at a time. From 13 my sister and I only saw our parents once or twice a year, and had to make our own way to a different continent on own to see them. Whilst there we just seemed to get in the way of their officers club social life. My mother did bugger all throughout the day and didn't see any reason to change when we were there. Boarding school was a respectable dumping ground. I will never forgive my parents, have no relationship with them now, and they do not get to see their grandchildren (not that I get the impression that they want to). I bloody hated boarding school, and believe that all parents sending their kids there need to take a good hard look at themselves. Are you buying social and educational advantage to meet your own needs or theirs? I would never knowingly be friends with anyone who considered boarding school for their children - its obscene.

Jynxed I am sorry you had a bad time at boarding school but it is grossly unfair of you to make assumptions on your own experience.

I am not a Forces 'brat' but I went to boarding school and loved it. Happy, happy times - friends for life and incredibly close to my parents.

Now I am a Forces 'Wife' but won't send dd to Boarding School as it is too bleeding expensive.

And from a statistcial viewpoint, I think, only about 10% of the UK's BS population is made up of HM Forces Children. What about the other 90%?

Interesting, and very sad, Jynxed, I'm so sorry. I could have written your first three sentences, except that I was eight when I went to BS.

The difference between us, and the reason why I don't hate my parents, was that when we went home my parents' lives revolved around us. My mother worked multiple jobs to make ends meet, but during the school holidays everything got rescheduled and she worked nights so she could be there for us. Each house had our own space, our own family rituals, our own special toys. Sometimes they had to get babysitters in school holidays so they could do compulsory cocktail parties, but if one of us had a sniffle my mother would loudly rejoice at having a cast iron excuse to get out of it.

I don't know what the moral is - I guess it's that crap parents, and good well-meaning ones are to be found in all situations.

At least forces family have a thin excuse for dumping their children. Why oh why would anyone send kids to boarding school if they were not living abroad? Even if you want the posh private school bit they can always be day boys / girls. I really do not understand.

I currently work in a building which used to be a girls boarding school until it went bankrupt (hurrah!). Even though it was a priviledged school the conditions they lived in still horrify me, even though on the surface its 100% better than when I was a school. It is no better than sanctioned child abuse.

So sorry to hear about your experience Jynxed. Your case was exactly the kind I was thinking about when I started this thread. I totally agree with your view that it can be (PLEASE NOTE I HAVE SAID CAN BE NOT IS) a form of sanctioned child abuse. Certainly people have said that they enjoyed boarding school and I am happy for them. My concern lies with people like you who were and are basically dumped in boarding schools. It annoys me that just because parents are wealthy and can afford to pay to dump their children in a "respectable" place there is no consequence for them, whereas if a poor parent dumped their child in, for example, a children's home he or she would be very very harshly judged.

Jynxed I have no idea where you went to school but when I was at BS ( I left in 1988, so nearly 23 years ago) we had our own rooms in the 6th Form with sinks and a communal TV room. It was all lovely. Even before the single rooms the dorms were small, the house mistresses fantastic and the whole experience second to none.

As I said happy times.

WoD - interesting. Does that mean that you have moderated your views since you posted your first thread stating that you thought boarding schools were an expensive form of neglect? You now say that you agree that it CAN BE abuse.

That would suggest some concession to the arguments that have been made time and time again - that it is dependant upon the family and sweeping generalisations are pointless.

WOD Poor and wealthy parents can end up with children in care/children's homes. Sometimes shit happens and that shit can happen to anyone.

thta's just silly wod

My school was both brutal and petty. But those issues were relatively easy to deal with, because we knew no better. Hand wash our school uniform until washing machines were bought 2 years before I left ? - Just saw the washing machines as an improvement. Locked into a room for 2 hours each night for homework ? - Bored and frustrated but not at that point aware of the fire and human rights issues. What I remember sobbing about, in the above mentioned prep room, one night, was that no one actually gave a fuck if I did my homework or not, or if I suceeded or not, or if I was happy and fulfilled or not, provided the poxy school rules and routines were adhered to. That emotional neglect, the fact that you meant no more to anyone than the stray dog outside the door, but are just a number and a statistic (I was number 209, had to be marked on all clothes, including knickers, surprising wasn't tattoed on us)- that's where the real abuse lies. Everyone should know that they matter, and I can't see that even the most expensive boarding school provides that parental love and care which is more important than bread and water.

Jynxed When were you at BS?

So, why do you send your children away if you wish them to learn normal home skills and values? What message are you giving them by sending them away? Do you really not think they will question why they are being isolated from the home environment? Are they in the way? Do you not like or love them enough to keep them with you? I am relieved to hear that schools and housemistresses are nicer now, but they are still people doing a job, for money, and do not love the child in front of them.