To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect? MARK 2

[colditz]

LeQueen "Can someone please explain to me why living apart from your DH damages your marriage...but living apart from your children doesn't damage your relationship with them in anyway?

Please ...I genuinely don't understand."

Because your children can't have an affair, LeQueen

I missed out on the first thread but I must say that boarding school for some can be very enriching. My OH has a lovely but deeply over-protective mother. They have a very close relationship but he was chuffed at 11 to go away to boarding school. His father left them and she had to take two jobs to support them - so sending him away seemed the only option. As a result he has always been a mature, self-confident and disciplined man. Plus, he can IRON. Yes, that's what I said. He loved his time there and although not very academic, he did a lot of sport and arty things.

On the other hand, my mother was sent away at 3 years old and has felt damaged by the experience for her whole life. Her relationship with her mother was horrible.

My daughter is a day boarder so she is home at 8pm. She has been very difficult recently and I am very ill - so it helps our relationship, which was previously very full of tears and conflict...

No one should judge someone's motives for sending a child away - it is generally not a cold selfish act...

But they can form a similar relationship with a person who is not their mother or father. If they never see you, but they do see another adult who cares for them more than you do (simply because they see them more often, not because you don't love them iyswim) then they will form a bond with that person.

What often gets left out of the whole boarding school debate is the moment of separation. The actual moment of saying goodbye and watching mum and dad's departure. It's a wrench. Hurts. Why so many people don't 'get' this is because straight away children are rushed off and kept busy, distacted from feeling sad.
Does that matter?
A child who isn't allowed to feel learns to keep him/herself to him/herself. Shut off. Appear happy. Keep busy. And that's all anyone sees: a happy, busy child who daren't complain for fear of seeming ungrateful for the privilege.
The myth about privilege can last a long, long time.

I asked that same question a couple of times LeQueen but it was ignored. I don't think there's any sensible answer to it.

So lequeen what about children in day care 8am till 6pm?? That's ok because they go home and straight to bed but hey no if they cry on the night mums there?

lequeen - are you asking wrt a 7 (or younger!) year old being sent off to school, probably against their wishes, or wrt to a 13+ teen who is champing at the bit ot go?

the scenarios are very different (and I didn't read all of the first thread).

I owuld never ever consider the send away at 7 option (given my life as it is now) - I have never even entertained it as a possibility.

But I have always thought that my childrne will board at some point - a bit like the thought that they are going to go to university - it is just a given in my future thoughts concerning them, iyswim? (obviously, if the time comes, and they do not want ot go, or are not suited to boarding/uni that is differnet, but you know, just a part of my life plan, in as much as I have one!)

now, fate has conspired against me, and dd1 is severely autistic. she will not go to the school I thought she owuld, and she will not go boarding in th etrue sense of it. she may go to residential school at some point - only time will tell.

dd2 will probably still go boarding at some point.

Not full drop off at the beginning of term and see them for th eoccasional weekend over the course of 3 months boarding, but flexi boarding, possibly even weekly boarding. if she really doesn't want ot go, then she won't - I am not interested in forcing her.

but the friends I made form my boarding school are definitely of a different quality from other friends of the same era mad eout of school. we are a unit, and they have been the ones that have really stuck with me thorugh some awful times (as I have for them). havign that time and space to wander about with my mates, mess around - have our differences and resolve them ourselves, was a valuable experience. no travel time, no getting mums/dads to pick up and drop off for tea/time together. just end of lessons, roaming about until we had to go in for supper - our time was our own and it was fantastic.

the hting I appreciated most about my boarding school was that time - the facilities were great, the opprtunities marvellous, and I appreciated every single one (especially given my home life was turbulent at the time), but now that i have finished uni, done my qualifications etc - the overriding memories are of time with friends. time that I didn't have before I went boarding, as there was always complicating facotrs like traffic and family coordinating stuff in the way.

oh, meant to say.

I could not possibly have been closer ot my mum. we had a fantastic relationship, and so did both my brothers, who also went boarding at various points.

I also have a great relationship with my brothers, despite not being at the same school as them since I was 7 (they are 4/5 years older than me)

"On the other hand my mother was sent away at 3 and felt damaged by the experience for her whole life"

How awful. I cannot believe that a sane person would choose to send their child away to school at 3 years old.

Is 3 weeks classed as seperation???

Boarding schools are not for months on end with no parental contact, most schools have exeat weekends and school holidays are longer than state school holidays.

I would rather my children have the stability of schooling rather than changing school every 2 years.
My husband is Army and away for 7months of the year!

thaigreencurry - when I was at my prep school (as a day pupil) there were several overseas families with 2/3/4 siblings there.

one of my friends was the toughest, coolest boy in the school. and he would be regularly called over to the kindergarten section to see his baby sister, who was 3, because she was upset or homesick. it was truly sad to think of this little girl so far away form home - but lovely at the same time ot see her with her brother (who shoudl not have had that responsibility, imo, but he did, and he was great with her)

Lequeen, the reason why "living apart from your DH damages your marriage" as a forces or any family for long periods at a time is because it also damages your children,means that you are effectively a single parent and don't get a break. Our you telling me that being a single parent probably 80% of the time is good for any child. Yes our children didn't ask to be military kids but you know what when I was at Uni I didn't ask to fall in love with the man I did, I didn't ask to spend sleepless nights worrying if he is safe in a war zone and before you say well I should have thought about this before having kids, when I had kids my government that you the public (probably not many service families as voting is always a challenge for us) voted for sent our troops off to fight wars which we quite frankly shouldn't be in. Yes my husband could leave the forces but in the current economic climate I doubt he would get a well paid job. My kids asked to go to boarding school, I didn't want them to go but they were upset with the moving and as they get such long holidays and I do go down and see them at times other than exeat weekends (driving 300+ miles in a day to watch a hockey match) I can't see how you can say I don't have or have damaged my relationship with them, we spend good quality family time together, I would argue that now they are at boarding school the time I do spend with them is spent doing far better things and of a higher quality than before they went as I am no longer bothered about my house being perfect when they are home just about having fun with them. The decision involved our whole family, wasn't taken lightly and they are at a school 30mins away from my parents so if I can't be there to watch a match or give them a hug when ill they can, which is no different to a kid whose grandparents do child care whilst parents work and see them for 5 mins in the evening before its bed time.

It works for us, it isn't ideal but if the whole of the forces got up and left to stabilise their family life you the public would be a little concerned over your safety would you not?

silverfrog Would you honestly feel fine about your 13 year old "champing at the bit to go"?

I honestly feel that if I had a DC who said that to mean that I must have failed them in some way (whether this is rational or not).

with you smallwhitecat I know my kids are happy, I know I have a good relationship with them so why explain to people who don't accept others can be different from them

LeQueen I don't think nursery/day care is comparable to boarding school. If your small child calls out in the night you are there to soothe them and when they are tired at the end of the day they know they are going back to their family home.

I think boarding school is completely different for older children I would have loved to have gone from about the age of 10/11.

Hi silverfrog. The previous thread ended up focusing mainly on those under 10 going to boarding school as it seemed that those who went after that age (or more so those who went after the age of 12) had quite positive experiences.

A number of issues were raised in the other thread and they might be worth restating here so the same things aren't rehashed again:

1. Some posters argued that it is better for a child to have the stability of boarding than to move around with their parents who were in the Army or some other job that required a lot of mobility. Other posters (including me) argued that it would be better for the non-Forces parent to stay in one place and give the children stability that way. The response to this was that the parents' relationship would suffer which shocked a lot of the anti-BS posters who were asking - How can you say that the parents will suffer due to separation but the children won't? We would argue that it is far more important for children and parents to be together than for husband and wife to be together.

2. The issue of government subsidies was raised. It transpired that some wives of forces personnel get a subsidy to send their children to boarding school. So effectively those wives don't work, don't look after their children, and get their childcare heavily subsidised by the state. This is (rightly) seen as very unfair, given that many lone parents will soon be losing any benefits the govt has thus far given them.

Ime children 13 plus aren't rushing to leave home. But have the capacity to understand that there isn't a decent school close by enough for daily travel.

I have a great relationship with my parents. Really enjoy their company etc no resentment.

I can't speak for seven year olds, I would worry about feelings of abandonment.

BTW if you don't see the point in the thread, don't participate.

if my (when she gets there! - she's only 4 at the moment) 13 year od is champing at the bit to go and spend some time with ehr friends, take advantage of the activities and sports and art and clubs and amazing gorunds (don't laugh - it was the best thing about my school), then no I don't think I will have faile dher.

do you think you have failed oyur children when they would rahter see their friends than you (at appropriate age, of course)

if she wanted ot move out, and never see me again, then that is another issue.

but if she wants to spend 3/4 nights a week away form home (beofre i went boarding, I used ot be on sleepovers at least 3 nights a week with my best friends, so not sure what the difference is, tbh), taking advantage of a lot of things she would not be able to do if she didn't board - where else can you easily, at a monetns notice, choose between sailing, abseiling, tennis, a langugae club, a film club, a music jamming session, some cookery practice, just chilling with some friends, doing some drama, and to be honest, a hundred other things - all right there and all you have to do is jsut go and get changed and join in?

wouldn't be possible to do form home - any one of them would, but the variety of options would not be there (we live quite rurally), and it would certainly be harder to fit it all in.

why would I feel like I have failed her, if she wants to go and try out so many different things? if she wants ot go and seize life and live it to the full?

thanks, writerofdreams, for the summary

I do agree that for under 10s it is a completely separate issue (although one which still needs to be looked at in the context of a family's individual circumstances)