To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect? MARK 2

[colditz]

LeQueen "Can someone please explain to me why living apart from your DH damages your marriage...but living apart from your children doesn't damage your relationship with them in anyway?

Please ...I genuinely don't understand."

Because your children can't have an affair, LeQueen

"You get to enjoy what perhaps feel like an extended honeymoon almost with your DH"

Oh, I'm reliving my honeymoon right now. We got married on a 96hr leave pass while my subbie husband was serving as a platoon commander in Kosovo. Two days after we married, he dumped me in a horrible quarter and went back to Kosovo for another three months. So, a situation where I haven't seen my husband for three and a half weeks and I might, just possibly, see him for three days next week before he goes back to work again for however long sounds exactly like my "honeymoon".

"You equally get more sociable shifts, yes?"

The military don't do "shifts". When there's a job on, you go into work early and you don't leave until the job is finished. If the job can't be finished in a 24hr period, you get to go home at 2300h to get some sleep until being back into work at 0630h.

I have not botherd to read this thread in much details and the military bashing that went on in the other one quite upset and offended me to be honest. I am shocked at how spiteful and nasty the comments were but that aside I would like to explain just one small aspect of military family life because some of the posts seem tio imply we are all sponging off the state for the high life whilst claiming the Continuity of Education Allowance.

As a service wife currently in full time further education due to being unable to find a job since we reached this posting 9 months ago - I would like to say that SOME not all but a big proportion of service wives do have problems actually gaining employment.

Please let me try and explain this aspect of service life for spouses/wives.

The reason being, rightly or wrongly (can see both sides of the argument) alot of bases are big and local towns know there is a high proportion of service families - with spouses looking for employment. Local places of employment whether international companies (perhaps like Tesco) right down to the local knitting shop know that most service spouses are only likely to be in the area of a relatively short amount of time - anything from 18months to 3 years (give or take a bit). Both previous and potential employers have openly told me about their frustration with investing in training someone up only for them to leave after a relatively short amount of time.

Other problems that affect service spouses getting employment is child care. Few military spouses can ever rely on their OH to be around at regular times or days - Military life means that they can be expected to work all day and all night for days on end at little or no notice, they can be sent away somewhere with little or no notice. All this on top being posted somewhere miles from anyone you know and any relatives you may have for back up to supplement nurseries or childminders you may use. This is NOT a reason for boarding school but a reason why many employers are reluctant to employ service spouses.

Service families usually live on base in Service Family Accommodation (which we pay for). These housing estates are forever changing with the transient military lifestyle. You move somewhere and know no one, then you make close friends with a neighbour and get to know them enough and trust them enough to call in the odd favour - like caring for your DC (and vice versa) when usual childcare has cocked up for some reason. Then they get posted away and once again you are back to square 1 - no one absolutely no one (you know welll and trust) else to call upon in an emergency etc etc.

Its not all doom and gloom. We have moved alot in recent years. I have been fortunate enough to have found employment in several different postings. I have taken jobs I consider a bit naff to be honest but they are better than doing nothing. Then there are places like where we are now - just no jobs. I am using the time to help further my career in the long run and attend college full time.

I am not a sponger, living the high life whilst my husband risks his life in some absolute hell hole I dont believe he should be fighting for, and whilst my DD is away at boarding school.

It can also be said that whilst unemployed some spouses will try and make the best of it anyway. Volunteering for running very much needed and appreciated clubs, toddler groups etc on the base. This is probably referred to as community support in civvy street. We are not sat sipping cocktails on our (non existant patios),partying the days away.

I dont wish to cause an argument - I am just hoping this clarifies some of the situations some service spouses find themselves in to those of you who have never really had any experience of military life. I too had no idea at all what life would be like as a military wife before I met my DH.

LeQ - sociable shifts? Rofl - please Col. Gaddafi, stop bombing people, scary's husband needs sociable shifts . Dh is an Officer and doesn't do shift work. If required, he works 20 hour days for unlimited periods of time without any rota at all. He is required, as jscot has been trying to point out, to be available 24/7, 365 days a year. Leave, if not taken, and if more left than the 15 days carry over, will be lost forever; there is no monetary recompense for lost leave, no overtime, no flexi time, no tine off in lieu, and it doesn't matter what is going on in your personal life, the service comes first all the time. There have been times when he has gone to work at 0600 and not been home til 0100, and has done the same the next day until the job is done.

With events happening in Libya and Bahrain, on top of Afghanistan and the normal operational tempo that has to be maintained, life is going to get very busy.

One of my colleagues is an exborder and maintains she loved it (she went from age 11) however she is now a person who has to be busy all the time and literally can't sit still. I personally think this is something that she has learnt to do as a way of not having to really reflect on her feelings which is something boarding schools seem to encourage.

Her sister also a boarder apparently hated it and as an adult has struggled to maintain relationships and has 4 children by 4 different dads.

I understand that all families are different but could never understand sending your children away. For me its unthinkable. My mum is taking my dd away for a little holiday this summer and I'm already feeling anxious about not seeibh her for 4 days!!

I don't think you can argue with the fact that the best place for children is to be in a loving home with people that really love them, care for them and know them.

Jcscot you sound like me our first xmas together my turkey dinner all worked out (having only seen my new DH for about 3 weeks since we had got married in the August) and I ended up with a microwave meal as he got sent early to Bosnia, was told xmas eve he was going at 8am the next day, I couldn't face the turkey on my own. Currently my DH is working such long hours 110+ each week for the last 2 that my DS7 asked how long daddy was deployed for this time and was amazed when I said he was just at work and hadn't gone anywhere. At least he did get today off to go pick up the elder 2 :)

Lequeen the working time directive doesn't apply to forces personnel

Oh yes, and he didn't know ds was born until well after the event because he was at sea. Service first, families second, which may explain why we like to live with the dhs when we can.

'But, equally there are months that go by where such intensity isn't required.' Really? I can't say that over the past 25 years I've noticed much slackening in tempo, but then the RN has been overstretched for that long anyway.

Lequeen the high intensity thing doesn't apply, my DH works in what should be a easy job right now but with the cut backs and stretches of personnel for deployments he is doing the job of 2 people as the army are gapping (choosing not to fill the job) a post for the 2 years we are here!!! SO he does 2 peoples work for 1 persons pay and we have no life at all, imagine if we were 200 miles away in our own home we really wouldn't see him.

"...and it doesn't matter what is going on in your personal life, the service comes first all the time. There have been times when he has gone to work at 0600 and not been home til 0100, and has done the same the next day until the job is done."

Ditto here. In fact, that's what my husband has been doing for the past couple of weeks and will be doingfor the foreseeable future until the Libyan situation stabilises somewhat. I've been ill, our children have been ill and my husband has simply not been able to get away.

I had a horrid experience recently where I had to be blue-lighted to hospital for emergency surgery 48hrs before my husband was due to deploy to Afghanistan. Did he get any extra leeway? No. I waved him off and knuckled on with things.

I wish I were living the high life on taxpayers' money. but I'm not. Military life is hard and I am not telling you all this because I want pity or sympathy. I get on with things and get them squared away as best as I can. I'm telling all of you this to try blow you out of your narrow-minded conceptions of military life.

Lequeen "But, if your DH regularly works these length of hours, in such intensity, meaning you only see him for a couple of hours here and there...wouldn't your time be better applied living with your children, rather than sending them to BS?" my DH is home all weekend as the kids are home from BS, however if we were in our own home he wouldn't be as he has to be within a 20mile radius of his unit as he is carrying the duty bleeper (friend has taken it whilst he picks up the kids), so they do get to see him. It is not as black and white as you see it and it gets harder and harder due to the cut backs and frequency of deployments. We currently have a TA unit attached to us their wives hated the guys being deployed as the support network of friends in a similar situation was not there. A friend of mine broke her ankle, whilst living in her own home, she struggled on the school run on crutches as DH was in Iraq. If she had been on a patch someone would have picked up her kids and helped her as we are all in the same boat at times, we look after each other which (speaking from experience as I have lived in my own home) doesn't happen in civvy street

Look, LeQueen, I am getting truly sick and tired of pointing out that there is no way to square the circle of family life v stability in the Forces - most of us make the best compromise the best way we can and that's a simple as it gets. So get off your bloody high horse before you get a nosebleed and stop judging us for trying to do the best by our familes, our marriages and our husbands' servce/duty.

well said jcscot. What about a thankyou for keeping your country safe and doing what your elected government wants at the drop of a hat too :)

So when would you propose that I saw my dh (and my ds does not board yet)? During his cancelled leave when he's working?

My time is applied how I see fit, and much of my time was working, so ds was at school at 0745 for breakfast each day (except Saturday when he got there at 0845) and picked up at 1900 each night after supper (except Weds and Sats which were 1600). I saw him for 45 minutes in the morning, including the school run, and for about 90 minutes in the evening including the school run, before bed. After he'd gone to bed, I carried on with domestics, plus planning, marking, report writing for the 600+ kids I taught per week, in order to pay my dues as a taxpayer, and contribute to the school fees that we paid to ensure wrap around care as dh was abroad (and we only saw each other every six weeks as commuting from Brussels to Cornwall is expensive and time consuming) and I had no family to help with childcare. I did this for two years until I had had enough.

We brought ds out here with us, but boarding at that point was an option.

"we look after each other which (speaking from experience as I have lived in my own home) doesn't happen in civvy street"

I can testify that it doesn't as I currently live in civvy street. I have my family nearby and they support and help out but I couldn't ask my neighbours for so much as cup of sugar. They're perfectly nice people and I'm "saying hello" terms with them but nothing further than that.

Totally agree jcscot - love the nosebleed line, will be saving that one for later use!

Jcscot exactly my experience too which is why we moved back together as a family, also I kept locking myself out and it was getting expensive and a little embarrassing that my kids knew the locksmiths name

yes to the outsider but to the family involved (which didn't take the decision lightly at all) it is in favour of the family unit as a whole

Its also a misconceived idea that when a family opts to do married unaccompanied with the serving member "living in" on base that this is for free.

This is not the case. They pay for their rooms and food on top of running a family home elsewhere.

If the spouse trails and the DCs go to boarding school then they will spend long BS holidays with at least one parent (and half terms and exeats if you're in the UK). If the spouse and DCs stay in one place while the forces parent is posted abroad then the parents will spend much less time together - BS is still separation, but not so wholesale.

Statement of interest, I went to BS (on a full-on, "see you at Christmas" basis) aged 8 after five school moves in three years had induced a serious eating disorder. It was crap in places but I, my DB, and my DP's marriage survived more or less fine.

On the upside I genuinely feel that teenage rebellion can be a lot less stressful for all concerned when you're rebelling against your housemaster rather than your parents. On the downside there are certain places any mention of which will bring on a mammoth sulk from me, because DPs (with or without younger DB) went on holiday there without me while I was at school and I'll never get to go now.

Would I send my DCs to boarding school? Yes but only if there were a very very good reason, almost certainly not aged 8, and certainly I'd consider weekly boarding for a sports mad teenager. But the DCs would have to understand and agree (as I did) I read a sad interview with Giles Coren, who was sent to a London school as a boarder despite the fact that his parents lived in London and the school took day boys, and he felt deeply and understandably rejected because of it.

"They pay for their rooms and food on top of running a family home elsewhere."

Unless you qualify for INVOLSEP status (which can be hard to get) ,in which case the accomodation is free but meals etc must still be paid for.