to not want to feel pressured about sex

[plopplopquack]

Hi, I have a problem. Me and my DH have differing sex drives slightly. It never used to be a huge problem but since having started a family it is often one. The problem is this;

My DH would like sex every day preferably and is the typical man in that he finds sex relaxes him. I'm the typical female in that I have to already be relaxed to have sex. Because we dont always feel like it at the same time I am happy to "help him out" in various ways, although I don't always want to do this.

I am a SAHM who also works evenings and my DH works full time which involves some evenings too. So we really don't get many evenings to ourselves. We have 2 DC and have no one to babysit so rarely get a night out together or anything like that. So if we do get an hour or so (once work is finished, DCs asleep, jobs around the house done) my DH thinks we shold use that time to have sex whereas I just want to sit and watch telly or read a book or something. I need to chill out.

I feel so pressured all the time as all day I'm with my DC and they are young so naturally demanding. As soon as my DH is around I feel demanded of by him as well. It's like no one ever stops asking me for things!

I understand that my DH has needs but I need time for me as well. He does find other ways of dealing with it (porn etc) which I have no problem with but he gets bored of it. I suppose it's great that he still fancies me so much and he really is a lovely man and great dad. He'd do anything for me.

To add to it I was sexually abused as a child so could really do with not feeling like a sex object and feeling as thought I HAVE to do sex related things. He knows this and understands but it doesn't seem to change anything.

So this evening I had about an hour to plonk myself on the sofa before bed and he asks if I want to have sex. I knew he was going to ask, could feel it coming (excuse the pun) and so was feeling pressured before he had even opened his mouth. I had put the kids to bed and then gone to work for a while, came back did dishwasher etc, sorted stuff for tomorrow, had shower and then wanted to relax as I haven't stopped all day . . . or all week/month etc.

So I used a tone of voice that made it clear I didn't want to and it hurt his feelings and really upset him. When I'm not interested in doing sex things he often feels that he must be unnattractive or that I don't fancy him, which of course I do, he's lovely. He got quite upset.

We have talked about this so much and we never resolve it

What the hell do we do?

I agree with Stewie and dignified.

' Differing libido is normal. Feeling unloved because your partner is too tired/ill/sore/stressed out to have sex one week isn't the sign of a good partner
I think it may be more a sign that DH has self esteem issues actually. Because he isn't perfect that doesn't make him evil'

Take it from someone who has numerous mental health problems, if he has low self esteem problems, hiding and masking his problems by regurlarly servicing him is not doing him any favours, he needs to deal with such issues if they act up when he feels the slighest rejection of his partner not wanting sex. Do him a favour and get him to have therapy so he is not so easily rejected he will probably be happier after he feels more confidant and happy.

Apologies if someone has already asked this, but you mention that you were sexually abused as a child. Have you had any kind of counselling to work through what happened?

I ask because I had some pretty unpleasant sexual experiences in my past (though stopping short of childhood abuse) and know that those memories sometimes mean it sometimes takes a good long while for me to relax and get into the mood.

Not read the whole thread but it seems to me that there is a greater link between the porn and these problems than the OP would believe.