to not want to feel pressured about sex

[plopplopquack]

Hi, I have a problem. Me and my DH have differing sex drives slightly. It never used to be a huge problem but since having started a family it is often one. The problem is this;

My DH would like sex every day preferably and is the typical man in that he finds sex relaxes him. I'm the typical female in that I have to already be relaxed to have sex. Because we dont always feel like it at the same time I am happy to "help him out" in various ways, although I don't always want to do this.

I am a SAHM who also works evenings and my DH works full time which involves some evenings too. So we really don't get many evenings to ourselves. We have 2 DC and have no one to babysit so rarely get a night out together or anything like that. So if we do get an hour or so (once work is finished, DCs asleep, jobs around the house done) my DH thinks we shold use that time to have sex whereas I just want to sit and watch telly or read a book or something. I need to chill out.

I feel so pressured all the time as all day I'm with my DC and they are young so naturally demanding. As soon as my DH is around I feel demanded of by him as well. It's like no one ever stops asking me for things!

I understand that my DH has needs but I need time for me as well. He does find other ways of dealing with it (porn etc) which I have no problem with but he gets bored of it. I suppose it's great that he still fancies me so much and he really is a lovely man and great dad. He'd do anything for me.

To add to it I was sexually abused as a child so could really do with not feeling like a sex object and feeling as thought I HAVE to do sex related things. He knows this and understands but it doesn't seem to change anything.

So this evening I had about an hour to plonk myself on the sofa before bed and he asks if I want to have sex. I knew he was going to ask, could feel it coming (excuse the pun) and so was feeling pressured before he had even opened his mouth. I had put the kids to bed and then gone to work for a while, came back did dishwasher etc, sorted stuff for tomorrow, had shower and then wanted to relax as I haven't stopped all day . . . or all week/month etc.

So I used a tone of voice that made it clear I didn't want to and it hurt his feelings and really upset him. When I'm not interested in doing sex things he often feels that he must be unnattractive or that I don't fancy him, which of course I do, he's lovely. He got quite upset.

We have talked about this so much and we never resolve it

What the hell do we do?

To answer some of the posts:

hairylights I don't think that porn has twisted my DHs view of women or anything. I think he is quite able to see the difference between the two. I can understand where he is coming from when he feels that sex is always my choice and I don't think that makes him abusive.

ramblingmum How did you get yours to stop asking before you got into bed?

phooey How did you resolve it through compromise? The morning sex would be great but the dcs always end up in bed with us for a cuddle in the mornings so not going to happen!

Well this morning I had a quick word with him and told him again that it is the way of asking that is putting me off. He seemed to understand but if anything changes . . . well I'll just have to wait and see. I explained that he could approach me with a kiss and cuddle and just naturally see if it goes anywhere. He felt that he wouldn't be able to kiss me at any other time though as I would always think he was after sex, so I gave him a demonstration in the different tyes of kisses and their very obvious meanings. I know this sounds bizaar!

StewieGriffinsMom I'm guessing that you have different views on porn then I do. I honestly don't see it as a problem at all, just a means to an end. Men are visual creatures and if looking at naked women helps him empty his pods then so be it. I don't think this means he needs to see a sex therapist. As for the bit about him treating me like an object . . . well I'm thinking about that and if there may be any truth in it. I think I have said something to him like that before and he was just so insistent that he really loves me and finds me very attractive and sexy and fancies me even more now then the day we met (15 years ago!). Go me!

PPQ it sounds like you've got a good man. You are talking about it and that is really, really good. Differing libidos has got to be one of the most common challenges that couples face, especially with the pressures of raising a family. I feel for you both greatly. My DW feels exactly the same about having time for herself - even if I'm working long hard hours at work, I can always get some me time at the office. It's impossible for SAHMs with young children to get time on their own (without farming the little ones out that is).

Two things jump out at me from your posts. Firstly, it will always be hard to get this challenge sorted sorted if you don't MAKE time for each other. We really struggle but have made it more of a priority because we find it helps so many aspects of our relationship. Try to make it happen.

Second, from your posts it would seem that the abuse you suffered as a child is clearly still having a bearing your pysical feelings. Does this suggest some time with a specialist counsellor may be good, even if you've done so in the past. I'm no expert on this but just think it's relevant from an objective viewpoint.

I know exactly what DH means about not wanting to kiss and cuddle you in case it is taken the wrong way. The problem, it can all become a vicious cycle very quickly with him being reticent to come near you and then you thinking he only wants to come near you when he wants sex. It can be so difficult when the pressures of life are exerted from so many angles.

As I say, the fact that you are talking openly about it is great. You can't talk enough in my experience. There'll be things going on in his mind that he hasn't yet communicated to you and I'm sure teh reverse will be true about your thoughts and concerns. So TALK TALK TALK.

Good luck :)

Plop , i think porn can have that sort of effect on a man , it sounds like he expects you to be constantly available like the women in these films are . When he asks you for sex , what happens then ? Do you agree and just do it ? Is there any tenderness or kissing or build up , or are you just expected to service him ?

I think its appalling he doesnt have the basic respect to stop asking you when youve made it clear you dont like it, that alone would be a major problem for me.

As for this bollocks that he gets upset and thinks you dont fancy him if you dont want sex , i think your just being horribly guilted and manipulated . Im amazed your flattered and not horribly outraged . Id rather be single than be used as a wank accessory like this.

givemesomespace Are you a man? You say you have a DW so I assume so. It's good to have a male perspective so thanks. I am trying to make sure that we have a night out together every now and then (usually once a month or every two months, go wild!) but this involves hiring a babysitter which we can't afford, but I'm doing it anyway as I think it is so important for relationships and is something that has been lacking in recent years due to PIL not wanting to babysit our children, that's a whole different story though! I have had counselling (quite extensive) and it was good to do but I think it is something that will never completely leave me.

dignified Mostly if I don't want to do it we don't, sometimes I help him out instead, sometimes he sorts himself out and sometimes just goes without. Yes there is usually tenderness and buildup, I say usually because I quite often like a quicky (I just like them). I'm really not sure that he is manipulating me by saying that he feels unnattractive. I feel that he is just saying how he feels like we all have the right to. I think if it was a woman saying that she felt unnattractive I don't think anyone would say that was manipulative or emotional blackmail. It's not like he says it every time, it just comes up once every few months or so when we inevitably discuss this.

StewieGriffinsMom I don't think there is any way this could actually be "scientifically proven" but I think it's a fairly accepted theory and has always seemed correct to me. For me as a woman sex is more emotional. What do you mean by him "objectifiying me in this position". Not sure which bit you are talking about, the fact that I help him out or when he asks for sex?

Try reading the book The Five Love Languages together or if short on time the website and there's a quiz on Facebook. It's written by a Christian counselor but it's a good book for anyone and the Christian side to it is mostly him talking about work. Everyone has a language that they speak love in and if a couple don't speak the same one they may be left feeling unloved. Learning each other's language can make a big difference in the relationship and ultimately to your sex life.

I agree with the others and that's all I can offer different.

OP he sounds like a good decent man, and is being very understanding. You both need to work on a new compromise that reflects the changed libido level.

I think you need to look back to the point where you started being less interested in sex and try to pinpoint what it was that caused this. The 'asking' thing no doubt came after the libido issues. He was making efforts that more often than not got no response, and probably felt he was starting to pester a bit. So now you get the option to say no and he doesnt ask any further.

Understanding is not sulking when you don't get sex and guilting the other person with you don't fancy me. Unless it's reasonable to expect sex?

Here's a genuine question: what are you supposed to do when you're the partner with the stronger drive? What if you get REALLY physically frustrated? How is it possible to talk about this without 'pressuring' the other person?

OP, it sounds to me like (however cackhandedly) your DH is trying to be respectful by asking so far in advance rather than just touching you. I say this as someone in your DH's position: I just don't know what to do anymore, as my DP doesn't seem to think the disparity is a problem.

I also find that my DP is happy to help 'sort me out' but that this makes me feel like an object, because I feel like a household chore that needs to be done before he can go to bed. It also does make me wonder what's wrong with me, am I not attractive anymore etc.

I think hairy and others are being quite harsh; I see your problem, OP, but your DH has emotions too and he may be feeling sad and insecure right now, so don't dismiss those feelings.

Agree with revolting peasant. He obviously needs sex to feel wanted, which I can identify with. You need other things. It's that language of love thing that a pp was talking about.

I think you are doing really well to be trying so hard to tackle it tbh but he does need to understand that you being available for him when he wants it is just not a reasonable expectation.

What is wrong with the current arrangement then as it sounds like you have tried really hard and it's all reasonable to me? Just the fact that he asks and you feel pressured?

Is it the frequency that bothers him? I know it's not great to plan these things but perhaps a little planning wouldn't go amiss, like saying wednesday night is a night where we relax TOGETHER after dcs in bed and fool around and if we end up having sex then great - you may even look forward to it, get yourself ready, let him plan what he's going to do to get you in the mood etc.

Sex is not a love language, even the physical touch language is not about sex. Love languages are how you communicate with everyone so unless he's having sex with his parents, children, people at work, mates in the pub etc I seriously doubt his is the 6th language of sex. At least understand things before you quote them.

OK I have a higher sex drive than my OH. I see him one weekend a fortnight and quite often he's too wrecked when he gets back to do anything. If nothing happens on that weekend it means we go a month without. We've gone two months without because he's not been in the mood those weekends. No, I don't sulk. No, I don't get him to help me out. It's about us and if there's no us then there's nothing to do. I'm not going to push him into something he's not interested in. I'll cuddle him because I am PT so that's important to me. Some times he doesn't even want a cuddle so I'll have gone a whole month without so much as a cuddle. I respect him enough though to accept that. I would not see him as respecting me if he did something out of duty. His language isn't PT, I've not quite worked it out yet though, so I don't expect him to understand how important a none sexual hug is to me.

Ok I misinterpreted...

My history is very like yours, I feel the same pressures from my DH, so I can relate to all you say, but I feel that it is my abusive childhood which is the root of the problem.

We go through phases where everything is hunky dory when we are sexually active.

I also hate to feel that I am being pressured into sex, and knowing by the comments made that he is expecting sex, I need to feel that I have been gently eased into sex with cuddles etc, but he seems as though any time he can without any foreplay.

I dont know why everyones saying he sounds very understanding . Hes not really got a lot to be understanding about has he , because by the sounds of it hes not going without for months at a time . He persistantly asks for sex despite being told not to , and even has his wife " helping " him to wank. If theres a spare hour it sounds like he thinks he should be able to spend that hour having sex , being wanked off or watching porn.

Id say its the op whos being understanding , not him , i couldnt live with someone who thought i should spend any free time servicing his cock.

ccpccp I don't think there was any particular point that this problem started. He has always had a slightly higher drive then me but I suppose it's more obvious since we've had children. Maybe because we can't fit in the morning one's anymore. He is a good decent man yes

confuddledDOTcom I don't think I ever said that he sulked exactly. He does get a bit upset occassionally but that's not the same as sulking. I don't think he "expects sex" either but he would really like it! Don't you think that your OH is not respecting YOU by understanding that you need a cuddle? I can't believe he makes you wait a whole month for that! How can he not feel like cuddling for two whole weekends?!

RevoltingPeasant I think you might be right about trying to be respectful by asking so far in advance rather than just touching you. Really feel he needs to learn how I prefer to be approached though. I don't mean that he has to do everything MY way but I think because of my history things need to be more tailored to not trigger any memories or feelings of that. It's interesting that you are in my DHs position. I really try not to make him feel like it's a chore if I help him out but he probably still does sometimes and I'm not sure there is a way around that.

jellybelly25 I think the current arrangement doesn't always work because he still often wants some when I don't and sometimes I don't feel like helping him out and there are times when porn isn't enough and doesn't do it for him so much. Plus he feels a little rejected. I think he does associate sex with love a bit. I can't do the planning in advance thing much (sometimes is ok), I just don't like it or I'll find by then I'm not in the mood if I've had a hard day. I'd rather be spontainious. Pretty sure that planning is what makes it feel like a chore.

He is sulking if he's saying he doesn't feel loved/ wanted because you didn't have sex.

I never said I don't get any hugs, kisses or anything at all, I said cuddle. It's not like we've gone the whole time without even touching, we just haven't - on that occasion - sat and cuddled. Not sure what the problem is.

Tbh it sounds like you have your own answer in your head and no one will be able to give you an answer you like if it doesn't match up. I'm not sure what it is, you've had many opposing views and none are right.

He is sulking if he's saying he doesn't feel loved/ wanted because you didn't have sex
No that is called telling me how he feels.

we just haven't - on that occasion - sat and cuddled. Not sure what the problem is.
For me a whole month without cuddling would be a problem.

Tbh it sounds like you have your own answer in your head and no one will be able to give you an answer you like if it doesn't match up. I'm not sure what it is, you've had many opposing views and none are right.
I'm actually very interested in everyone's opinions and have been thinking about them, answering them and asking questions etc. I think you don't particularly like the fact that I have pointed out that a month without cuddles is not good (and so maybe you have relationship problems of your own) and have you now gone on the defensive and are attacking me.

Look at it like this Op , on an average day i would like to eat ten cakes , i would like to yell at people who annoy me , i would sometimes like to burst into song at inapropriate times , but i dont , because its not apropriate.

Your H might like sex every day but that doesnt mean he has to have it or that you have to oblige by wanking him off or tolerating him wanking to porn. Youve said several times that you feel bad if you dont oblige, thats not normal and neither is this I've told him this so many times! That's he needs to get me in the mood but he's says there's not always time which he has a good point about

Theres not enough time yet he gets to fuck on you anyway ? Really , thats not acceptable and i assume thats where the quickys come in that you say you enjoy . What exactly do you get out of that, physically or emotionally ? He sounds like a teenager.

Really , i would tell him that the world doesnt revolve around his cock , that theyll be no more pestering me for sex or he,ll be sleeping on the sofa and to get his porn out of my house. I dont think i could have sex with a man who thought it ok to wank off to women being exploited and abused. But thats just me.

He is sulking if he's saying he doesn't feel loved/ wanted because you didn't have sex
No that is called telling me how he feels.

Do you listen and take that on board ?
Why do you think he feels he can continually ask (pressure) you into sex when youve stated hundreds of times that you dont like it ?

hairylights has made a good point re the porn. Although it can help some people perhaps it's making it worse in your situation. It could be making him hornier. Just a thought.

Actually, when does he get chance to look at it? Maybe the time spent looking at that could be spent helping you relax.

Yes, I agree OP, he does need to respect how like things to be initiated. You are quite right there.

But, do you think you could also deal with his feelings of rejection in other (non-sexual) ways? That might help, too. E.g., in my relationship, I have put on about a dress size () in the past year, and it is very hard for me to prevent myself thinking that DP's lack of interest is because of this.

It's really lovely when he says (genuinely) how nice I look, or that something I'm wearing suits me. Tell him when you think he looks attractive. Maybe find other little ways to make him feel 'wanted' and that will balance the desire for reassurance/ intimacy through sex.

I also wonder if you might go to couples counselling? I am thinking about it but I don't think my DP will go.

Also, I really don't think it is helpful for people to dismiss sexual feelings as being the same as wanting to eat a cake or shout at someone. Seriously. Sexual drives are strong physiological and psychological urges. To me, not being able to have sex regularly feels more like someone has taken away my sense of smell or taste. Sure, life carries on; I don't 'need' it. But a big part of the physical relish of life is missing.

That doesn't mean you get to pressure your partner, of course! But I think people should stop talking about the OP's DH as though his sexuality is something he can turn on and off, and he's just being selfish by having desires. I also think it's really important in a marriage to be able to talk about your feelings, and I actually think it is quite healthy and quite a good sign that the OP's husband feels able to be relatively open with her.

About the porn - I think OP has already said that her dp would much rather have her than porn and that sometimes it doesn't do it for him so I don't think it's a big problem, just a detail and one that can be very distracting for people who are vehemently against it.

I think the best suggestion so far has been to make him feel wanted in other ways - he obviously wants your attention and that's important to him...

revoltingpeasant - sorry you feel the way you do... I do empathise strongly with that.

OP, that's fair enough regarding the planning. When you have sex, does it relax you in the same way as it does him? What do you like about it? PErhaps you are just coming at it from different angles.