to not want to feel pressured about sex

[plopplopquack]

Hi, I have a problem. Me and my DH have differing sex drives slightly. It never used to be a huge problem but since having started a family it is often one. The problem is this;

My DH would like sex every day preferably and is the typical man in that he finds sex relaxes him. I'm the typical female in that I have to already be relaxed to have sex. Because we dont always feel like it at the same time I am happy to "help him out" in various ways, although I don't always want to do this.

I am a SAHM who also works evenings and my DH works full time which involves some evenings too. So we really don't get many evenings to ourselves. We have 2 DC and have no one to babysit so rarely get a night out together or anything like that. So if we do get an hour or so (once work is finished, DCs asleep, jobs around the house done) my DH thinks we shold use that time to have sex whereas I just want to sit and watch telly or read a book or something. I need to chill out.

I feel so pressured all the time as all day I'm with my DC and they are young so naturally demanding. As soon as my DH is around I feel demanded of by him as well. It's like no one ever stops asking me for things!

I understand that my DH has needs but I need time for me as well. He does find other ways of dealing with it (porn etc) which I have no problem with but he gets bored of it. I suppose it's great that he still fancies me so much and he really is a lovely man and great dad. He'd do anything for me.

To add to it I was sexually abused as a child so could really do with not feeling like a sex object and feeling as thought I HAVE to do sex related things. He knows this and understands but it doesn't seem to change anything.

So this evening I had about an hour to plonk myself on the sofa before bed and he asks if I want to have sex. I knew he was going to ask, could feel it coming (excuse the pun) and so was feeling pressured before he had even opened his mouth. I had put the kids to bed and then gone to work for a while, came back did dishwasher etc, sorted stuff for tomorrow, had shower and then wanted to relax as I haven't stopped all day . . . or all week/month etc.

So I used a tone of voice that made it clear I didn't want to and it hurt his feelings and really upset him. When I'm not interested in doing sex things he often feels that he must be unnattractive or that I don't fancy him, which of course I do, he's lovely. He got quite upset.

We have talked about this so much and we never resolve it

What the hell do we do?

OP - i am confused as to why you posted in AIBU? i think people have expressed very different opinions to you in a constructive manner.
whether you agree with those opinions or not is up to you of course but i do think it is very out of order to respond by questioning someone else's relationship when you were the one that asked for advice. and to say you prefer for a particular poster not to post again is being unreasonable.
to apologise for what one poster said to another seems very odd. presumably if that poster was offended then they can stand up for themselves. wonder if this is because you say you are under 'pressure' and feel your dh is 'demanding'. only hope that you can stand up for yourself especially as this has been going on so long and you have told him 'hundreds' of times how it makes you feel

I think it sad that theres been exagerated jokes made about him being controlling and abusive , because in fact , i think he is. So do womens aid actually who state that pressurising a partner into sex isnt ok , making unreasonable sexual demands isnt ok , or making your partner feel guilty , or witholding physical affection to get sex isnt ok.

Do any of you , whove made these sarky jokes think its ok shes stated literally hundreds and hundreds of times to stop asking , think it ok that this basic request is ignored , that shes not listened to or respected ?

Theres nothing wrong with her sex drive , shes not gone off sex and doesnt need to read erotic literature in the bath , nor does she need to jump on him first to stop him mithering like a child ( despite the fact hes being serviced regularly by a reluctant wife ).

Im amazed little has been said about the fact he openly states there isnt time to get her in the mood but expects a shag anyway .Do you all get treated like this ?

I agree Stewie.
I find it absurd the op states openly shes has a healthy regular sex life but objects to being pressured for even more sex . Shes then told to compromise , to make an effort , to get counselling or have sex more regularly , jump on him ect.

she doesnt have a problem. He does.

Strange that some people only read what they want. The comment about not having the time to get her in the mood is ignored and shes encouraged to jump on him and have sex more often. How awful.

I merely suggested OP initiates sex every day for a week as an experiment, not as an ongoing thing unless it worked for her.

I think that libido increases when you have more sex, and if you don't have sex very often then sometimes you need a kick start.

I also said that if sex is not enjoyable for the OP then she should make her dh aware that it is his performance that is the issue rather than her libido.

The OP is able to freely choose whether to try this idea out or not and there is nothing wrong with my suggesting it!

I think the fact that he does not have time to make sex enjoyable for her is very telling. He has no regard for her feelings, whether sex is enjoyable for her or not is nothing to do with him. It is unimportant. What is important is that he gets sex done to him.

In a loving relationship sex usually happens because one partner approaches the other with loving behaviour, which results in sex. Not because one partner demands sex.

'Strange that some people only read what they want.'

Including the OP.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

If my husband were to say to me "Shall we have sex today" across the room, in the same way as he says "did you empty the dishwasher" or "I have taken the rubbish out" , I would give him a few raised eyebrows, and possibly throw a cushion at him. It would not be well received.

If on the other hand he said "Quinty-babe (or something to that effect), I have just realized we have not had sex for a few weeks, lets go to bed early tonight" I would probably feel quite positive about the prospect of an early night. Or if he were to give me a meaningful look and say "honey, I am going to have nice long shower. Care to join me?" I would most definitely be there. Or, if he were to come to bed and just hug me, and let things happen naturally.

But, "I want to have sex with you" thrown out into the air, would get nowhere.

I am sad that so many women thing otherwise, and that this is on par with another household chore.

I merely suggested OP initiates sex every day for a week as an experiment, not as an ongoing thing unless it worked for her.

To acheive what ? To see if it stops his constant demands to have his willy fiddled with ? I dont think it would and i certainly wouldnt reward demands for sex with sex. This isnt her problem to fix i dont think, its his.

Men like this obsess about sex regularly regardless of how much theyre getting . If theyre not shagging or wanking theyre watching porn or thinking about shagging and wanking. Its never enough, they have a teenage attitude towards sex. They assume a wife means sex on demand whether you feel like it or not ( as op describes ). Its their right and they make it clear by pretending they cant come near you in case they get turned on , or bleating that they dont feel loved boo hoo . " I know your knackered and not in the mood but fiddle with my willy or i wont feel loved " . Disgusting really.

The way he blurts out his demands for sex isnt normal in my opinon and reek of a lack of regard for her feelings. He sounds like a little boy mithering for sweets.

My goodness - the smell of bitterness is acrid

Ok going to try to answer some of the posts now.

StewieGriffinsMom Differing libido is normal. Feeling unloved because your partner is too tired/ill/sore/stressed out to have sex one week isn't the sign of a good partner
I think it may be more a sign that DH has self esteem issues actually. Because he isn't perfect that doesn't make him evil.

FattyArbuckel I see what you are getting at. I do like the chance to initiate sex but because DH asks a lot that chance never comes up. I also like the chance to flirt a bit, I like the idea that we might be flirting a bit and then just see where is goes, I don't want it all planned! It takes all the excitement out of it for me.

jellybelly Yeah I think sometimes when you do it you get reminded of how much you like it. I think that it's the asking that turns me off before I've even thought about whether I would like to do it or not, so he looses out more when asking and trying to plan it but doesn't seem to realises this. Have made it clear that it doesn't do it for me and will keep reminding him until it sticks. I don't think he is ignoring this but it's taking a very long time to sink in!

QuintessentialShadows I DO want to have sex with my husband just not quite as much as he wants to.

Got to pop out, will be back soon.

QuintessentialShadows Does he actually want to have sex with you, or does he just want to have sex done to him? I think that is the crux. He does not fancy you, adore you or love you so much that he cant stop himself. He just wants sex done to him.
I think actually he just loves it when we have sex. He is very giving when it comes to sex if you see what I mean and when we do have sex it is amazing!

Wow dignified Men like this obsess about sex regularly regardless of how much theyre getting . If theyre not shagging or wanking theyre watching porn or thinking about shagging and wanking. Its never enough, they have a teenage attitude towards sex. They assume a wife means sex on demand whether you feel like it or not You've put your own spin on things here. My DH DOES NOT obsess about sex. He likes to have sex quite frequently and when he doesn't he uses porn (obviously a lot of people on here have a problem with it but I don't) as a means to an end. When I help him out it is an affectionate thing.

givemesomespace you made me laugh about the bitterness thing!

You know what I think I might give up. I've managed to attract the "anti men brigade", the "anti porn brigade" and all I wanted was some differing sex drive advice. Thank you to everyone who has been non hysterical and those who have experienced similar themselves. To the "man bashers" well you've been no help at all.

Can I just agree with Stewie and Dignified

Pressurising for sex is abusive. I certainly think the way this man is pressuring the OP you is abusive, and I think from your original posts, we can assume that you doesn't like it.

I may be picking it up wrongly, but you do sound like you see it as your problem.

it's these bits that make me worry

"I feel so pressured all the time" - that's a horrible way to live. Someone is exerting pressure on you to get you to do something you don't want to do. Not nice. Especially considering you have been sexually abused in the past.

"made it clear I didn't want to and it hurt his feelings and really upset him" it's unclear how he behaved. But what a big baby.

"my DH thinks we shold use that time to have sex whereas I just want to sit and watch telly or read a book". Tough shit on your husband, then. Seriously, why should he get what he wants if it's not what you want?

Whos been hysterical or anti man ? Just because others wouldnt accept that behaviour doesnt make them a man hater , it just means they personally wouldnt accept it and expect more from men.

Ive not put my own spin on things , ive gone off what youve said and you now seem to be contradicting yourself , ie , he often says there is not time to get me in the mood for sex , then that he is actually very giving. You dont like helping him out sometimes but then you say its an affectionate thing.

Which is it ? Im not expecting you to answer , and i know some of the replys have been difficult for you to read , but if your husband was as loving , caring and giving as you say he is then you wouldnt have had to ask him literally hundreds of times while he ignores you and carrys on.

You raise several issues then justify and reason away his actions which is understandable in a way . Thats entireley up to you Op , i get why your doing that , but making remarks about man haters ect to anyone who dares to say they wouldnt put up with it is a bit much.

"what are you supposed to do when you're the partner with the stronger drive? What if you get REALLY physically frustrated?"

Grow up and masturbate? Find a more compatible partner? Decide that the good parts of your relationship compensate for the sexual differences?

you seem to keep changing your mind, i dont understand how you can post about feeling pressurised and then vary so wildly from saying he asks all the time to he likes sex quite frequently

i wasnt 'hysterical' or 'man bashing' as you say but you didnt respond to my post

its also very sad that you have to resort to attacking those who dont agree with you. i didnt sense bitterness. people have taken the time out of their day to post and even if you dont agree with them i dont think you should attack them.

havent women evolved from calling other women 'bitter (which you said was funny), hysterical and man basher'??

i think the posts about abusive behaviour may stem from the fact you came on here to ask if you were being unreasonable to not wanting to feel pressurised by your dh into having sex to then deny there is a problem. that is classic of someone who is in an abusive relationship. i am not saying you are but i am left wondering too. i sincerely hope for your sake you arent though

x posts with hairylights and dignified
seems we were all thinking along similar lines

I think that it's the asking that turns me off before I've even thought about whether I would like to do it or not, so he looses out more when asking and trying to plan it but doesn't seem to realises this. Have made it clear that it doesn't do it for me and will keep reminding him until it sticks. I don't think he is ignoring this but it's taking a very long time to sink in!

He doesnt want to listen to you op. Do you think his boss has to tell him literally hundreds of times ? His freinds or anyone else ? Do you think him that stupid that he cannot understand what you are saying ?

He doesnt lose out by asking because you cater to him by helping him even though you dont want to.

He chooses not to listen to you op , and im sorry if thats hard for you to hear , but it really is that simple. You dont have a problem with differing sex drives , you have a problem with your husband choosing not to listen to you.

"I don't think he is ignoring this but it's taking a very long time to sink in!"

It sounds more to me like he simply doesn't care what you do or don't want. if he's not ignoring you, what is he doing.

If you say to him 'I want you to stop asking me for sex' 'I want you to stop nagging me for sex' 'I want you to stop pressuring me for sex' and he carries on, then he's ignoring you.

If my husband were to say to me "Shall we have sex today" across the room, in the same way as he says "did you empty the dishwasher" or "I have taken the rubbish out" , I would give him a few raised eyebrows, and possibly throw a cushion at him. It would not be well received.

If on the other hand he said "Quinty-babe (or something to that effect), I have just realized we have not had sex for a few weeks, lets go to bed early tonight" I would probably feel quite positive about the prospect of an early night. Or if he were to give me a meaningful look and say "honey, I am going to have nice long shower. Care to join me?" I would most definitely be there. Or, if he were to come to bed and just hug me, and let things happen naturally.

Ditto. My ex couldnt get his head around this. My current (and forever man :) ) has never, ever once asked me for sex outright. He sometimes suggests an early night, but there is never anything desperate, chore-ish or selacious about it.

givemesomespace if that bitter comment was aimed at me you can kiss my arse . Im bitter at no one , i think that no woman (or man ) should be pressured into sex all the time , and that they should be listened to and respected by someone who claims to love them .

So bitter ? No , definateley not . Just sorry that the op has to put up with this and so many people are happy to tell her its her problem when its not.