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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to feel pressured about sex

103 replies

plopplopquack · 16/03/2011 22:13

Hi, I have a problem. Me and my DH have differing sex drives slightly. It never used to be a huge problem but since having started a family it is often one. The problem is this;

My DH would like sex every day preferably and is the typical man in that he finds sex relaxes him. I'm the typical female in that I have to already be relaxed to have sex. Because we dont always feel like it at the same time I am happy to "help him out" in various ways, although I don't always want to do this.

I am a SAHM who also works evenings and my DH works full time which involves some evenings too. So we really don't get many evenings to ourselves. We have 2 DC and have no one to babysit so rarely get a night out together or anything like that. So if we do get an hour or so (once work is finished, DCs asleep, jobs around the house done) my DH thinks we shold use that time to have sex whereas I just want to sit and watch telly or read a book or something. I need to chill out.

I feel so pressured all the time as all day I'm with my DC and they are young so naturally demanding. As soon as my DH is around I feel demanded of by him as well. It's like no one ever stops asking me for things!

I understand that my DH has needs but I need time for me as well. He does find other ways of dealing with it (porn etc) which I have no problem with but he gets bored of it. I suppose it's great that he still fancies me so much and he really is a lovely man and great dad. He'd do anything for me.

To add to it I was sexually abused as a child so could really do with not feeling like a sex object and feeling as thought I HAVE to do sex related things. He knows this and understands but it doesn't seem to change anything.

So this evening I had about an hour to plonk myself on the sofa before bed and he asks if I want to have sex. I knew he was going to ask, could feel it coming (excuse the pun) and so was feeling pressured before he had even opened his mouth. I had put the kids to bed and then gone to work for a while, came back did dishwasher etc, sorted stuff for tomorrow, had shower and then wanted to relax as I haven't stopped all day . . . or all week/month etc.

So I used a tone of voice that made it clear I didn't want to and it hurt his feelings and really upset him. When I'm not interested in doing sex things he often feels that he must be unnattractive or that I don't fancy him, which of course I do, he's lovely. He got quite upset.

We have talked about this so much and we never resolve it Sad

What the hell do we do?

OP posts:
dignified · 17/03/2011 13:56

Revolting , the op says that when shes not in the mood for sex she "helps" him out even if she doesnt really want to ,and that if theres a spare hour hes after sex . It sounds to me as though they have a very active sex life with him ideally wanting to do it everyday . It doesnt sound the same as your situation unless i am mistaken.

I dont think hes selfish for having desires , i think hes selfish for persistantly mithering for sex when the op has told him to stop. I think hes selfish for expecting his wife to help wank him off when she doesnt want to . I think hes selfish for saying theres no time to get her in the mood then proceeding to fuck on her regardless .

I too think its good to be able to openly talk about your feelings , clearly the op sounds as though she is doing everything she can to meet his needs . Its not ok that he constantly asks for sex after being told to stop , there is some basic respect missing.

Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 13:59

He needs to do more to make you feel relaxed - more round the house, more with the kids.

No one should ever feel pressured to have sex and not wanting to have sex with your partner does not mean you don't love them. He needs to accept that and be patient with you.

confuddledDOTcom · 17/03/2011 17:21

There's no problems with my relationship. He works away for two weeks and is back for a weekend. We hug and kiss when he's here but we also have two children and other things to fit in that get missed out when he's away. So we don't get time every time to sit together and cuddle? So what? We make the most of the time we have together. I've stated in each post I'm happy with the situation I'm in - yeah, I'd like him to work locally but you go where the work is and his industry he's fortunate not to have been shipped to Oz, I'd get less attention from him if he was there because he'd be gone a minimum of two years.

I haven't attacked you, I posted originally to support you when people were saying you should give in to him. That wasn't good enough for you, you attacked me yet I still tried to be supportive and you came back and attacked me.

Original poster
plopplopquack · 18/03/2011 07:51

confuddledDOTcom I was attacking you?! All I said was that maybe you had some relationship problems too, that's not attacking honey! I think you have some serious issues as your posts wreak of it. I have come on here for genuine advice and your attitute is making that difficult. I would rather you didn't post again please.

OP posts:
Original poster
plopplopquack · 18/03/2011 08:06

glassortwo Sorry you have the same problems. Does your HD understand?

RevoltingPeasant people should stop talking about the OP's DH as though his sexuality is something he can turn on and off, and he's just being selfish by having desires
So true! I know when there have been times that I have been sexually frustrated that it's such a strong feeling and my DH gets like that much more often then me.

jellybelly (porn) just a detail and one that can be very distracting for people who are vehemently against it
That's what I was thinking. Am seriously considering the other ways I can make him feel wanted and loved. (ps. sorry confuddledDOTcom was so harsh with you over the misquoting thing)

dignified RevoltingPeasants situation is the same but the other way around so it's good to hear that perspective.

Honeybee79 I actually don't think he could do more around the house, he does as much as he can already. The lack of time is because we are both so busy and I work part-time with no childcare help so work when my children are asleep and my DH has 2 jobs so works all evening several evenings a week. We are just so busy and have been abandoned by PIL who love looking after their other DCs but not ours. I have posted about that before (under a different name) and I got a unanimous UANBU (just thought I'd mention that in case the "entitled" rants started).

OP posts:
givemesomespace · 18/03/2011 08:24

PPQ yep, I am a bloke. Always happy to help.

Re counselling and your previous abuse, I'm sure you're right - it'll probably never leave you completely. But maybe that means a little bit of ongoing counselling might help for a long time to come. Even though I seem to be dealing with some of my demons, I still find the odd bit of counselling "catchup" helps from time to time.

Revolting is so right. No-one should expect their parnter to turn their sexuality on and off. What should be expected is compromise. I like Dignified's cake analogy - that's how I feel sometimes (re sex)! Doesn't mean I should expect it all the time. No man should.

From your posts, it doesn't sound like your DH is expecting it, but that he is getting frustrated and maybe struggling with how to deal with that frustration. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to "help him out" it if he thought you weren't willing!

We found that putting extra effort into affection away from the bedroom (lots more cuddles, hugs, kiss as we pass each other etc) helped both of us feel more loved. The negative spiral was reversed.

From experience, I know it is so easy to get into that negative spiral.

I'm sure you can sort it out :)

Original poster
plopplopquack · 18/03/2011 09:19

givemesomespace You are so right about the negative spiral thing. We get into one every few months where he thinks we haven't been doing it much, starts to feel unloved etc and then starts avoiding physical contact in case it turns him on even more. Then he reverts to asking for it which makes me want to do it even less. Or that's roughly the order anyway.

OP posts:
dignified · 18/03/2011 09:45

Plop , would you say you do it fairly regularly , or is it sporadic , its not quite clear from your posts .

Avoiding physical contact in case he gets turned on is stupid and ridiculous and could be seen as an attempt to manipulate you . How does that cycle of non contact end ? Is it with you having sex with him ? Sureley he is capable of controlling himself ? What about your needs for non sexual affection , do they get oerlooked so he doesnt get turned on ?

givemesomespace · 18/03/2011 09:47

Sounds familier :) it can all become such a huge issue and and cloud every discussion/feeling you have with/towards each other. God this must be so bloody common. As I said earlier, you can't talk too much about it. In good relationships there'll be compromise on both sides :)

Original poster
plopplopquack · 18/03/2011 09:53

Not sure how much we do it really as it varies week to week. I often find that I'll be really keen for a week (so do it loads) and the next week not want to at all but might help him out once or twice. Sometimes I help him out a lot and sometimes not much. This probably doesn't sound very fair on him, I think it must be hormonal for me.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 18/03/2011 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FattyArbuckel · 18/03/2011 10:14

Why not try being the one to initiate sex, even if you don't really feel like it, every day for a week. Sometimes the more you have the more you want. If your dh is a good lover then sex will energise you if you feel tired - and if its not like this then he needs to improve his technique imo.

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/03/2011 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 10:25

Sometimes doing it when you don't feel like it reminds you that you like it!!

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/03/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 10:37

Yeah I know and I agree with that, but it is both ways, and I think that's what the op is trying to achieve - a manageable compromise.

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/03/2011 10:48

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/03/2011 10:57

The way I see it, and I suspect the reason why you actually dont want to have sex with your husband, is that YOU see sex as something you do together and mutually enjoy, and HE sees sex as something you do TO HIM. For him, sex is about him. For you sex is about the two of you.

How else would he be able to accept that his wife pleasures him, while he gives nothing in return?

Does he actually want to have sex with you, or does he just want to have sex done to him?

I think that is the crux. He does not fancy you, adore you or love you so much that he cant stop himself. He just wants sex done to him.

All his excuses, that he does not want to cuddle you, dont have time to put you in the mood, dont want to touch you in case he gets turned on, is really controlling, and tells me that he does not want to have a sexual relationship with you, he wants sex done to him.

When you guys figure out why this is, it may help you a lot.

JessicaDrew · 18/03/2011 11:06

Sort of agree with Fatty
just once in a while beat him to it and jump him before he asks, give him a better time than when just do it to keep him quiet and maybe he will take the hintHmm

ccpccp · 18/03/2011 11:07

I love MN.

OP has gone off sex, and somehow its the partners issue to deal with. Hes a housework-shirking, porn addicted weirdo with a sulk on, even though there is nothing in what the OP has said to demonstrate this. All the compromise must come from him, even though he is responsible for none of the changes that are happening.

I hope you are taking all of this 'advice' with a pinch of salt OP.

givemesomespace · 18/03/2011 11:14

Dear God!! Well there you have it OP - apparently you have a controlling and domestically violent husband. You're doomed. Just give up.

Good luck anyway :)

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/03/2011 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Asinine · 18/03/2011 11:28

I find reading women's erotica in the bath works well to get me in the mood if i'm feeling too mumm ish and not very lover ish. Have a look on amazon. As far as I know they do not exploit anyone like porn does.

LeggyBlondeNE · 18/03/2011 11:40

OP - when we had a similar problem (much of our pre-baby relationship! now he's too tired too!), it so happened that I got a skin rash (no, not there!) which made me off limits for a week becuase my skin was so sensitive. He was amazed at the end of teh week when I was all keen and actually said: "Wow! It's like when I ask for less I get more!"

It took a while for him to fully learn the lesson but did eventually learn not to put any pressure on me at all, and that I was much more responsive when he left it for me to be spontaneous.

Could you ask him to not ask you for two weeks or even a month and see how it goes? If it works he'll be happy he agreed!

dignified · 18/03/2011 11:46

Where does the op say shes gone off sex ? she said this I often find that I'll be really keen for a week (so do it loads) and the next week not want to at all but might help him out once or twice. Sometimes I help him out a lot and sometimes not much

Op youve said this doesnt sound very fair on him , why do you think that ? Do you feel you should be servicing his cock every day ?
If you dont want sex with him on one particular occasion , why do you " help him out " ? Sureley if you dont feel like sex you feel even less like wanking him off ?

Were not talking about a man whos wife never has sex with him , she says so herself , were talking about someone who feels its their right to have their cock serviced at every opportunity and continually pesters even though he knows it upsets her . Top guy.

I cant imagine " helping someone out " and i think id rapidly lose respect for someone who thought i should do this regularly. I also wouldnt reward him for pestering by jumping on him either.