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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to discuss yr 5 ds's punishment with his teacher?

92 replies

Longstocking2 · 16/03/2011 09:39

dh says "leave it, don't undermine her, he needs to just accept it." but I think she's being very heavy handed.
Don't want to go into detail but should parents teach their kids to just accept the punishment (obviously within legal reason and amnesty guidelines..!.) regardless of its fairness because that's like a life lesson?
I don't want to undermine the teacher, I just think punishment should be fair, quick and appropriate to the misdemeanor.
I'd be interested in other parents' experiences.

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 16/03/2011 09:41

Unless you give some more details, it will be hard to comment. If the teacher wants your DS to clean all the windows at school with his tongue, it should be discussed obviously.

ladymystikal · 16/03/2011 09:45

loooool at kreecher.
yes more details are needed. im also curious that when my dd starts school, if a discpline or teacher is too harsh if i can object.

LadyThumb · 16/03/2011 09:46

Would you accept the teacher interfering in what you'd decided was appropriate at home? I suspect not!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 16/03/2011 09:55

Seriously, I really don't think that you should discuss or interfere in any punishment unless it is cruel or unusual.

FourFortyFour · 16/03/2011 09:56

YANBU to want to discuss it with her but YABU to undermine her.

I help in school and see what "punishments" are used. To me they are fair and consistent. As is the teacher.

thinkingkindly · 16/03/2011 09:57

Your school should have its behaviour policy on its website. Take a look and see if the punishment fits with that in any way. If it is way way off, then it might be worth raising your concerns. You may not get the punishment lifted (and it might in any case be worse for the teacher to lose face) but it might be a useful discussion that the teacher bears in mind in future.

Original poster
Longstocking2 · 16/03/2011 10:00

As I said, I want the teacher to be firm and for him to respect her. In all his years of primary I haven't seen a teacher be as heavy handed as this one. This school has always been pastorally gentle and this teacher appears to be getting harsh and isn't, imo, taking his particular needs into account at all.
I have never interfered where punishment is appropriate, I back the teachers up. It is absolutely their prerogative (sp?).
Ladythumb, don't even understand your post. Ds's teacher doesn't pay me to care for my ds. However my family pays her to be a public servant and to behave in accordance with the ethos of the school which employs her.

OP posts:
titchy · 16/03/2011 10:05

Sorry you just lost all credibility with your last sentence:
'However my family pays her to be a public servant...'

FFS Angry

mayorquimby · 16/03/2011 10:06

The state pays her, you don't.

squeakytoy · 16/03/2011 10:07

I would leave it to the teacher. You dont really give enough detail for anyone to give a proper opinion, but ultimately the teacher is in control, and unless the punishment is particularly cruel or unfair, then you should let her get on with her job.

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 16/03/2011 10:08

your dh is right - leave it. As stated before it's a lesson in life. Loads of things aren't fair - you have to suck it up.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 16/03/2011 10:14

Ds's teacher doesn't pay me to care for my ds. However my family pays her to be a public servant and to behave in accordance with the ethos of the school which employs her.

Of course this logic means that I pay your child benefit that pays for your son's packed lunch, so I think I'll take this opportunity to tell you stop putting strawberry yoghurt in it because I only like blackcurrant.

Biscuit
reinitindear · 16/03/2011 10:17

'However my family pays her to be a public servant...'
Nice attitude.I am with the others that unless it is a very cruel or particularly humiliating punishment I would stay out of it.I believe that when my dd is at school it is up to the teacher to discipline as he/she feels fit within reason obviously.Just as parents use different forms of punishment so do teachers.How does your ds feel about the punishment?

pingu2209 · 16/03/2011 10:29

Tricky one. I truely think the teacher has a hard enough time with 30 children in her class to have to discuss her methods with each parent each time it happens.

How would you be if she didn't 'manage' a naughty child who was disrupting the class or bullying your ds.

Also, if you think about home life, have you ever thought dh has been too hard (or perhaps too soft) on your ds? In our house that happens a lot but we try to back each other so that we have a united front.

crazygracieuk · 16/03/2011 10:32

I would ask the teacher what happened and what the punishment was and see if it matched my child's story. The teacher may only know part of the story or your child may have exaggerated or misinterpreted something.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 16/03/2011 10:46

Without going into some of the things you've said on this thread, OP, I would say that it's not unreasonable for you to want to discuss the punishment with the teacher if you think it is disproportionate or inappropriate in some way.

I would tell your dh that the relationship between school and home is a partnership, and communication in both directions is important in a good partnership.

So discuss the situation with the teacher calmly, and with an open mind, and see where you go from there. It's probably better to get the facts straight, too, than to worry/fume about the situation.

lockets · 16/03/2011 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coccyx · 16/03/2011 10:50

maybe the servant/teacher is having to be stricter as the brats are not doing as asked

Silver1 · 16/03/2011 10:50

I do bear in mind you describe his "needs" which suggests you want her to cut him more slack than she would the other 29 children in the class, but I have to ask do you think the other 29 sets of parents would think she was being too hard on him?

Original poster
Longstocking2 · 16/03/2011 10:55

I only mentioned her being a public servant because Ladythumb was trying to compare her telling me how to raise my ds with my expectations that she works within the school's ethos! It's not the same, she is employed by the school to treat the children fairly, I'll totally support appropriate punishment, don't know why no one is actually noticing that I've written that at least twice!

I've just looked at the behaviour policy and it is very clear, she's missed out about 4 steps and failed to speak to him about his intentions. She also has not tried to address on the day in question so it's hanging over him for a week.

I still have the problem that it's a confrontation of her. I'm trying to get a confidential word with the head, I think we should all feel that our child is equal to all the others in the class and gets fair treatment according to the school's own policy. If she keeps to that then she has my total support.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 16/03/2011 11:00

"I'll totally support appropriate punishment, don't know why no one is actually noticing that I've written that at least twice!"

Because without context it's meaningless. So it could be that you're being completely reasonable or it could be that in your mind this translates to "I'll totally support them as long as their views reflect mine 100% and if they don't then it is they who are in the wrong."

As others have said this thread is pretty useless without info as we have no way of knowing if you are over-reacting.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 16/03/2011 11:06

I have to say that it doesn't sound like your DS committed some minor misdemeanour if you're unwilling to say what it is, and the teacher 'missed out about 4 steps and failed to speak to him about his intentions'. If he hurt another child or did something that put the other children in danger then then the teacher must react immediately, bugger going through a load of steps first.

yellowvan · 16/03/2011 11:07

Sometimes these '4 step' behaviour managenent' systems of endless warnings etc have a 'nuclear' option written in to them if the teacher believes the behaviiour warrants it (ie straight to HT instead of time out etc)

kreecherlivesupstairs · 16/03/2011 11:07

I also think that longstocking's first language is not English. Apologies if I am off in my assumption.
TBH, and I'll repeat myself, if you aren't prepared to give any background to the incident, it will be impossible for you to receive any meaningful advice.
HTH, kreech the wife of a public servant.

cherrychoo · 16/03/2011 11:08

Longstocking i think that as a mum you want to protect and fight your childs corner and this IS very difficult to do.

I too have struggled with this and tortured myself, "should i do/say something or not"????? It is an awful feeling.

I have on occasion, in a non confrontaional manner requested an appointment with the teacher as i only really have one side, and thats ds's who tends to be selective and forgetful of important details.

So can i ask, have you actually spoken to the teacher to get the facts? May be helpful to do this.

Every teacher has had a different attitude to discipline in ds's school, he has always faired better in the classes where they are not heavy handed. His behaviour is much better i find.

I have always worked on the philosophy that i will not punish him at home for what has occurred at school as i would not expect them to punish him for occurances at home.

You clearly feel very strongly about this and i would say that gut instinct is a very good instinct and yours is screaming out at you to intervene.

Get the full facts form both paries and then go from there.
Good luck, and i think that you are just doing your job as a mum.