To want to discuss yr 5 ds's punishment with his teacher?

[Longstocking2]

dh says "leave it, don't undermine her, he needs to just accept it." but I think she's being very heavy handed.
Don't want to go into detail but should parents teach their kids to just accept the punishment (obviously within legal reason and amnesty guidelines..!.) regardless of its fairness because that's like a life lesson?
I don't want to undermine the teacher, I just think punishment should be fair, quick and appropriate to the misdemeanor.
I'd be interested in other parents' experiences.

IME teachers will tell you what behaviour and consequence has occurred of they feel you need to know.

I'd ask the teacher to explain to you, as the child's mother, what has been going on. Dont' go in saying she has doen soemthing wrong, just ask for clarification.

I completely agree that the teacher questioning your parenting is not the same thing as you questioning her treatment of your son. After all, you are his mother for life and she is someone whose name he will probably not even be able to remember in a few years time. So you have overall responsibility for his welfare whereas she just has 9-3 for five days a week over about 35 weeks.

Beertricks - I haven't read anyrthing here which suggests children should be mollycoddled. Only that they be taught about acceptable behaviours, boundaries etc in a firm but fair way.

No they aren't 'punished' but they are given firm boundaries and shown consequences for behaviour. Consequences which relate to the misdeed if you like.

All this is very very helpful, mumsnet at its best, many thanks - much appreciated.
I'm going to try not to see her at all, particularly not when I might sweep in upon a flood of my own tears; not a good look.

If I feel calm and rational I just might ask her about it in an extremely respectful way and see what she says and nod quietly and try to slip away without betraying that I think she is mean mean mean mean and cold hearted!!!

If you really think she is being mean then that's just not on ( her not you) and for your own sanity you really need to find out exactly what and why. Hugs. Not easy. If you want to email me or PM me I will try and help ( I used to be a children's advocate) xx

I had a similar issue with ds's Yr 3 teacher just before half-term.

She said ds had done 2 things in one day which were quite out of charater. Under intense questioning, ds stuck to a very different version of events. I was not prepared to undermine the teacher, but got ds to write down his version of events and went to talk to her about it and asked her if it could possibly have happened the way ds said it did. She conceded that it probably had happened that way.

I then told ds to go and talk to her and explain his version of events to her and then to tell me if he was still in trouble.

Ds was happy, I was happy and the teacher still got the final say as to whether he was in trouble or not.

If you speak to the teacher, how about asking her about it from the viewpoint that she is right, but explain that your ds is a bit confused and upset, confidence shaken etc.

Say that you have been trying to explain to him how his behaviour (explain at this point what he has told you he did/thought he did) warrants his punishment, and that you have been using the info on the school website to do this. But that you are a bit confused yourself, so please could she clarify for you so you can explain it to your ds.

This way, you are putting her in the 'being right' category from the start so she shouldn't get too uppity or mad at you for thinking that your precious darling is never in the wrong.

But you are also giving her a chance to tell her side of the story so you can see if it differs from your ds's and for her to explain why she has skipped the normal steps that you would expect her to take.

She's either going to come out with a very different version of the events that necessitated the big punishment or realise that she has been a bit harsh (whether she admits this is a different matter...).

Then at least you will be able to talk to your ds about it; whether or not it is about teacher having a different view of what happened because she only saw some of it (and therefore to be very careful around this teacher again) or how teacher interprets rules differently or how punishment is now more fitting or even just how life is unfair like that sometimes. whatever, at least it will show your ds that whilst you do expect him to do punishments if he does something wrong, that different people have different tolerances for how naughty some behaviour is and will therefore deal with it differently but too that if he genuinely thinks there is a serious mismatch between punishment and crime then you will at least look into it and stick up for him.

Great advice from both Goosey and Zipzap

Your OTT reaction to kreecher's concern says enough about your personality for me to believe that you are being OTT about this as well.

As long as the punishment is not demeaning etc then for goodness sake leave it be.

"If I feel calm and rational I just might ask her about it in an extremely respectful way and see what she says and nod quietly and try to slip away without betraying that I think she is mean mean mean mean and cold hearted!!!"

I hope you mean that in jest

I have spent a lot of time in schools. Some teachers are lovely, some are fine, some are ok, some are psychotic. Oh, just like the rest of life really.

Temptingmaniac I agree but the OP doesn't even know yet if the teacher was mean or not, so if she means it it seems OTT to me.

But without knowing the 'punishment' or the 'misdemeanour' it just guess work :)

How do you know the teacher didn't go through the other steps first? Simply because your son told you she didn't or do you have some evidence?
If you think this is really disproportionate then ask the teacher to clarify what happened but don't go in all guns blazing.

I say this as a public servant who is sometimes told how to do her own job by parents who believe everything their children tell them.