Falling asleep in charge of a baby

[ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky]

I have been having an argument with dh over this for the last couple of weeks, basically since I realised he was doing it

Baby is 7 months, very mobile but not yet walking. DH has a habit of falling asleep on the sofa while in sole charge of ds, when ds is not asleep himself.

I feel this is completely unreasonable in any circumstances as ds could hurt himself in any number of ways when not being watched but dh thinks I am being completely unreasonable because he has looked after many more babies than I have (oldest of a large family) and "he wakes up if he hears a noise". I doubt this because dh is a heavy sleeper. Case in point, I once heard ds crying over the noise of the shower, on a different floor of the house and between 2 closed doors. DH was in the same room and fast asleep.

I am also a "complete bitch" for raising the point that I am right because ds fell to the floor aged 2 weeks old while dh fell asleep while holding him. DH maintains that as ds was fine and not even crying he doesn't even know if he did fall to the floor or if dh put him there (while he was asleep ) therefore that doesn't count as he may not have done anything wrong.

I however am wrong about raising this issue because dh only told me about this incident because 2 months ago ds fell off the sofa while in my care. I was not asleep, I was less than a foot away from him, I just wasn't fast enough. DH told me about it to console me because I was nearly hysterical. So now I'm a bitch for pointing out that if dh hadn't been asleep he would have known how ds got on the floor.

What has really annoyed me today though is that I am normally asleep when dh is in charge of ds (if I'm lucky I get a small lie in once a week because I insist that dh does the morning routine to give me a break) and I'm woken up by ds crying downstairs. DS wouldn't cry for this long if dh paid proper attention and fed him when needed etc instead of just leaving him to his own devices.

yanbu google 'falling asleep with baby on sofa' and show dh the results look at the father squashing child to death one but I think important in your case

YANBU but you do need to remember (I'm also guilty of this one btw ) that DS is his as well as yours and though he may have a different opinion on something that doesnt necessarily mean he is wrong...

PS DH usually takes DS downstairs after his last night shift, leaving me in bed. I have also been woken up (upstairs) by DS crying, when DH is in the same room.

BTW does DH have narcolepsy? Seems a bit weird to fall asleep often while caring for your DS??

YANBU at all and your DH needs to stop this NOW

Missed out that DH obviously will want to do what is best, but may have differing opinions on what is over-cautious... (not that I agree with him in this case!!)

YANBU, you can't be asleep while a 7 month old is free range. I think DS1 was 3 and sitting on me watching a DVD before I really did the 'semi' doze thing.

My ex used to do this. He stopped when my DS then age 18 months went out the back door out the gate, round the front and rang the doorbell. Ex went to the door, couldn't see anyone as DS too short to be seen, went back inside and panicked when he couldn't see DS who by this time had legged it up the road. You can't be asleep in charge of a baby and your baby sounds like he's going to be mobile very quickly. (I must admit I do laugh about it now)

YANBU - that's really not okay. He may as well not be there! Is there some reason he keeps nodding off?

Like Morloth, I've taken recently to dozing on the sofa while my DS watches a DVD but that's only since he turned 3 and I am cuddling him so I know he's right there

Oh my god I am horrified that he thinks this is ok. His attitude to this and sleeping whilst in charge is completely irresponsible and unacceptable. He needs to understand that a baby needs supervision and if he is too selfish and lazy to do this he should not look after him. Don't let this carry on or something awful may happen

TBH I bet this happens all the time in households all across the land.

I doesn't make it right, though.

Pretty much anything could happen as at this age there is no awareness of danger/hazards etc.

Is DP a night worker or something?

He has always been hard to wake up and can fall asleep if not doing something really really easily.

He has been working a lot of hours lately (53 hours last week) and while I appreciate he needs rest, so do I! All he is asked to do at home is sort the bins out and occasionally cook dinner. So it's not like I'm sat on my arse all day!

He went to bed at 7pm last night, I asked him to get up with ds at 6am - dh had more sleep than ds did!

DH gets a full nights sleep every night he just doesn't go to bed early enough imo. Whereas I get a maximum of 4 hours at a time before ds is awake again and I do all the night wakings (because dh won't wake up) I wouldn't mind so much except that I know that this isn't going to change when I go back to work.

Obviously that's totally unacceptable.

You need to get a playpen if he is going to continue to fall asleep watching the baby.

Sounds like my sleep patterns pre-DS Now I'm with you, 4 hours max at a time...

I reckon a playpen is a good bet, just in case. But I'd seriously consider if he is healthy, as it sounds very similar to a girl I know who has narcolepsy. She could stay awake so long as she was doing something, but as soon as she sat down with nothing to do... zzzzzzz.....

YANBU - he should not be asleep while looking after a mobile baby. I don't think it's fair or helpful for you to keep bringing up something that happened when your DS was only 2 weeks old - clearly DS was not hurt and it was over 6 months ago!

A 53-hour work week is not that much - I regularly do those hours and sleep 7 hours a night max. Does your DH eat well and exercise regularly? If he's otherwise healthy, it's odd that he is so tired. Could you persuade him to go to the GP?

In the meantime, would it be possible to COMPLETELY baby-proof the room where the sofa is and put a gate across the doorway/close the door when they are in there? That way if your DH falls asleep DS will still be safe. Not great that he isn't woken by crying in the same room though :(

What happens if you go out while DH is on baby duty?

Maybe you should sneak into the room when he is asleep whilst looking after the baby, and remove the baby. Perhaps even go out with the baby. He would panic when he woke up and the baby was nowhere to be seen, and this might teach him a valuable lesson without you having to wait until something bad actually did happen.

It sounds cruel, I know - but I think it would be reasonable.

Forgot to say - doing this would prove to him how he doesn't wake up if there is any noise, and also how something could happen and he wouldn't neccessarily hear it.

my dh has done this sometimes, yanbu it is just not safe and not right for them to do it. also i feel that aside from the safety thing dont they want to spend some proper time with their child when looking after them, rather than trying to catch up on sleep, considering with long hours they hardly see them!
what made me even more angry once fil looked after ds1 when he was a crawling baby about 1 yr old and he just went asleep on the sofa and just put a chair up as a "barrier" so he wouldn't be able to get in the kitchen, which obviously ds could go past no problem! and their house is very unbaby proofed so extremely dangerous!!! but clearly some people feel this is acceptable.
our house is totally baby proofed but i still dont like it if dh does this, but i agree with suggestion make sure your home is also fully safe for a baby even if unsupervised but still would keep telling dh not to sleep while with him

Like that idea SDTG

DH also sleeps whilst in charge of our DD sometimes. The difference is that we have a futon on the floor of her very safe room. He pops her down to roam around with the doors closed and lies down for forty winks - usually to catch up when she has woken us before 6. However, he would wake instantly if she cried

So as wellwisher says it might be possible to set up something a bit safer.

But he definitely shouldn't fall asleep with your DS on the sofa. And he probably should check with the doctor why he is sleeping so deeply. Does he snore? If so sleep apnoea might be to blame.

The previous incidents where DS has fallen or been dropped are a shame but they have happened now. You won't be more or less right on this one because you point out that DH has dropped DS before, and I bet he feels really shit about it which is why he got so defensive.

They big problem here is that a man is calling the mother of his child "a complete bitch".

Disgusting behaviour.

no, it's not ok

1. i think it speaks volumes about your DH if he thinks it is ever acceptable to fall asleep (never mind someone who obviously sleeps so deeply) whilst in the care of a mobile child

1. he also sounds awful for calling you a bitch (the mother of his child and supposed loved one!)

1. plus the fact that he brings up a potential accident which you were involved with but not caused by known, planned neglect - i.e. you didn't leave your child unattended when the sofa incident happened - to defend his own failings rather than see that as a wake up call about how, even when a parent is paying attention, it's easy for harm to come to little ones who are now mobile yet still so young. his reaction to the incident with you should have been "wow look how easy that happened, i need to buck my own ideas up" not "har! there you go - you're bad too, so it makes my sleeping acceptable" - very immature and worrying

... so 3 huge issues for me - massive alarm bells about the suitability of your DH as a responsible parent and the care towards your child

OK I do feel bad now about bringing that up but I think I'm still annoyed that I wasn't even told about it at the time! I will say sorry to him for saying that.

He called me a bitch because by me raising the issue of him dropping ds so long ago, I did something my mother does to me all the time, which I hate (My mum still brings up things I did when I was 10 years old and holds me to account for them!). I know I did this to him and I was aware of it at the time but I can't get him to see how irresponsible he is being and I was very very annoyed at him.

I think I will try just taking ds out one morning and see what he does I'm also going to look up narcolepsy.

Wellwisher DH is only ever in charge of ds on his own maybe once a week while I try to catch up on sleep upstairs usually from 6am until about 7.30am because that's how long it takes for ds to decide he should have had breakfast and his nappy changing an hour ago but daddy was asleep so it didn't get done, hence the crying starts.

I can't drive and we don't have the money for treats until I go back to work so I never go out on my own, I haven't even had my hair cut since before ds was born!

dh is working all hours (there's no clear shift pattern at the moment because he's covering other peoples shifts as well as doing his own) plus he has a second business he is trying to get off the ground and he is working on his car all the time because it's a shit heap so any time he's not on official work he is doing something else (equally important I know but still annoying all the same).

YANBU at all.

why does he think there would be a warning noise before something happened to your DS? babies can choke silently. they can pull things down on top of themselves and knock themelves out. they can put things in their mouths that they shouldn't. all this can be done without any noise until it's too late. that your DH cares so little about his son's safety and that he has so little respect for you as to call you a bitch.

I think I'm just going to have to not leave ds in his care while he is still so young because dh does not agree that he has done anything wrong :(

He is a great husband and father when fully awake and rested. But I have always had issues with him when he is half asleep/waking up/falling asleep - he doesn't even remember some of the things he has done and said when in this state.

Some of them have been really funny but sometimes he can be really mean in his half asleep state, which he doesn't remember. It's only if he is disturbed so waking him up for any reason can be quite stressful! I've spoken to him mum about it and she has said he was always like this even to her. Although he doesn't snore and he doesn't sleep walk - he's too asleep to do that lol.