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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Falling asleep in charge of a baby

86 replies

ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 16/03/2011 08:40

I have been having an argument with dh over this for the last couple of weeks, basically since I realised he was doing it Angry

Baby is 7 months, very mobile but not yet walking. DH has a habit of falling asleep on the sofa while in sole charge of ds, when ds is not asleep himself.

I feel this is completely unreasonable in any circumstances as ds could hurt himself in any number of ways when not being watched but dh thinks I am being completely unreasonable because he has looked after many more babies than I have (oldest of a large family) and "he wakes up if he hears a noise". I doubt this because dh is a heavy sleeper. Case in point, I once heard ds crying over the noise of the shower, on a different floor of the house and between 2 closed doors. DH was in the same room and fast asleep.

I am also a "complete bitch" for raising the point that I am right because ds fell to the floor aged 2 weeks old while dh fell asleep while holding him. DH maintains that as ds was fine and not even crying he doesn't even know if he did fall to the floor or if dh put him there (while he was asleep Hmm) therefore that doesn't count as he may not have done anything wrong.

I however am wrong about raising this issue because dh only told me about this incident because 2 months ago ds fell off the sofa while in my care. I was not asleep, I was less than a foot away from him, I just wasn't fast enough. DH told me about it to console me because I was nearly hysterical. So now I'm a bitch for pointing out that if dh hadn't been asleep he would have known how ds got on the floor.

What has really annoyed me today though is that I am normally asleep when dh is in charge of ds (if I'm lucky I get a small lie in once a week because I insist that dh does the morning routine to give me a break) and I'm woken up by ds crying downstairs. DS wouldn't cry for this long if dh paid proper attention and fed him when needed etc instead of just leaving him to his own devices.

OP posts:
seeker · 16/03/2011 13:50

Where is the baby while he is asleep? If the baby isn't moblie or is in a playpen then this is fine. If crawling and free, then not.

cory · 16/03/2011 13:59

What I did was to turn the living room into a massive playpen by making sure there was nothing dd could hurt herself on in there and then putting a gate on the door.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 16/03/2011 14:50

Yup, that's pretty much what I did Cory. It's a far, far easier (and freer) way to go than having to continually hover over a baby.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 16/03/2011 14:53

Fair point, WW - I had forgotten the age of the baby - but when my dses were mobile, they almost always napped in their cots.

Pollo · 16/03/2011 14:57

Fessing up here. I once fell asleep while breast feeding my daughter (2 months) and woke to find my son (17 months) standing in front of me brandishing a carving knife which he had managed to get down off a work top in the kitchen. Nul points to me - it didn't happen again, bought a playpen, sharpish.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 16/03/2011 15:05

A playpen or make sure they can't get their hands on anything dangerous. I accept this is easier said that done - and you have to be constantly several steps ahead. One problem with playpens is that they can climb out Grin

Pandamoanium · 16/03/2011 16:17

Something similar happened when DS2 was very small. One early evening, I was outside in the garden, having left DH in charge indoors with both DSs. DH fell asleep and DS2 (who was only tiny but mobile) let himself out of the back door, climbed up the steep garden steps and went into the greenhouse. I came back in from gardening and assumed that DH had put both boys to bed and then had fallen asleep. So I got on with making dinner for us two. Later on, I decided to go upstairs and tuck the boys in, only to find DS1 playing happily in his bedroom and no sign of DS2!

After rushing around the house trying to find him, I eventually found DS2 fast asleep on the floor of the greenhouse, surrounded by the gardening tools!

He did survive until adulthood, thankfully! DH did look rather ashamed Hmm

FabbyChic · 16/03/2011 16:22

Some people need more sleep than others if he does a manual job it would make him more tired.

No one can help the amount of sleep they need to function, just because you or your child sleeps less does not mean he sleeps too much.

If he is falling asleep in charge of your child don't leave the child in his care, he clearly needs the sleep and does not do it on purpose.

What would you rather that he sleeps less and ends up so stressed he has a heart attack?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/03/2011 16:28

I agree with the posters who say that from about 3, it's possible to have a little doze whilst DC is otherwise occupied with the tv/dvd. Younger than that, no - your DH must have been absolutely shattered to sleep with so young a child in his care. If he's ever that tired again whilst DC is with him, you need a playpen that DC can be popped into so that he can't hurt himself, either that or put into his bed for a sleep (if he will). I think most of us remember (and still experience) that bone-chilling tiredness that can just descend out of nowhere...

I have a Berocca effervescent tablet with guarana in the mornings, it's a great pick-me-up, but no reason why you can't have one in the afternoon, it's only vitamins and minerals - and guarana, better than caffeine.

That aside, you need to apologise for bringing up stuff from the past, it's horrible, and you'd hate it if he did it to you.

Original poster
ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 16/03/2011 16:31

We have a playpen but he can't be entertained in one so it's a bit useless really.

Our living room is relatively baby proofed, there isn't anything he can reach that is dangerous - except the extension leads which are on the floor, but behind furniture, however he knows they are there and is constantly trying to pull them out if you don't distract him (I think it's a case of what is forbidden is more desirable!).

To those of you who say your living room is baby proofed - what do you do with regard to low surfaces such as the tv stand? I am always concerned he will fall and bang his head on it....or am I worrying too much? We have an old non-flat screen tv so we can't put it on the wall by the way.

OP posts:
Magicjamas · 16/03/2011 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/03/2011 16:39

Have you seen those foam tube things? B&Q sell them. They're about a metre long and are slit on the length so that you can cover sharp edges. I don't know what they're called or what they're for - but that's what I've done in the past. You can secure them with a bit of tape, and then take it off easily again.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 16/03/2011 16:40

Gosh, this was a long time ago Shiny but...

The TV was on a (hideous) sideboard. The cabling was out of sight (and reach). I didn't have a coffee table. Neither were by design tbh - I was broke! But it worked.

He'd have been as likely to fall and bash his head if I'd been awake - even if I was in the same room - as if I'd been dozing. I must emphasise though - I was doing exactly that - dozing. Your DH seems to be out for the count when he drifts off.

Original poster
ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 16/03/2011 16:44

He's at work now but he kept falling asleep all day! I do think he needs more sleep than I do but there's needing more sleep and sleeping all day! It also doesn't help that he only seems to fall asleep during the day (or evening) if we are doing something I like or want to do. If he is watching a programme he likes for example he is fine.

I would like to make him go to the doctors just to check if there is anything medical wrong with him but I feel that out of the things he needs to do each day/week, he is getting his priorities wrong and until he sorts that out he isn't going to get any better.

OP posts:
ladyfirenze · 16/03/2011 16:45

not to sound cheeky, but he doesn't smoke cannabis does he?

FollowMe · 16/03/2011 16:46

I'd definitely do the sneaking in and taking the baby out thing to give him a shock.
Do you think he will admit to being shocked though? or will be bullshit when you get back in about 'oh I was half awake and heard you taking him out, I knew he was safe' etc

Maybe you need to do a bigger shock thing and sneak the baby out to a friend outside then walk in yourself, wake up DH and ask him where DS is?
Or the doll face down on the floor thing with bag?

Sounds like he needs a BIG shock to get him to see sense!

I cant stand the posts that always appear on these sorts of threads that say 'oh well, if he wont watch DS properly then dont leave him with him. He obviously wants more sleep, so let him have more lie ins and you get up with DS'
Surely you both need/want more sleep! and if you said 'oh diddums, he obviously doesnt want to do that' to everything that your DH does really badly because he is lazy and cant be arsed to do it, then you are acting like a matyr doing everything yourself and letting him get away with being a lazy so and so!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 16/03/2011 16:50

As an aside, a 7mo in a babyproofed room is far less likely to come to any harm than a 3yo, imo.

princessparty · 16/03/2011 16:51

YABU. As long as the door to the room they are in then there is no problem with a snooze.people with older children can't sit staring at the baby 24/7

2babyblues · 16/03/2011 16:52

YANBU - a friend was looking after my son once, just for an hour and she fell asleep on the sofa with him. She thought it was funny. He was only 7 months. I have never asked her to look after him again.

princessparty · 16/03/2011 16:53

meant to say
YABU. As long as the door to the room they are both in is shut and completely babyproofed then there is no problem with a snooze.people with older children can't sit staring at the baby 24/7

FollowMe · 16/03/2011 17:00

and nobody has really commented on the fact that its not just the falling asleep and ignoring the baby here that is a problem - the DH is getting up with the baby ONE morning a week to give the OP a short lie in and he immediately goes to sleep on the sofa having only just got out of bed WITHOUT changing the baby's nappy or bothering to give him any breakfast!!
OP is having to get up from her lie in after only an hour as the baby is crying (without the DH hearing or waking up) purely because he is hungry and wet!

I think thats disgusting

Bathsheba · 16/03/2011 17:05

I've been through this with my DH when DD2 was a lot younger. He literally could not stay awake - as soon as his bottom ouched the sofa he would be asleep.

He had severe MH problems at the time brought on by work related stress, and that was his body's way of dealing with it as basically it was the only way his mind could protect itself.

It upset me hugely and I always thought it was dangerous - he was the ssame as your DH, denied it happened, denied it was dangerous, denied that it was all the time....

I do think with his level of workload etc you should maybe look towards something medical, esp in the MH arena as certainly in the case of our family this was a physical manifestation.

Bathsheba · 16/03/2011 17:05

That should be " as soon as his bottom touched the sofa"...

Original poster
ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 16/03/2011 17:11

He doesn't do any sort of drugs, smoke anything or even drink much (a couple of beers or a bit of Southern Comfort once in a blue moon)

The door kitchen door was shut (it's in our living room) and the baby gate on the stairs was shut and to his credit he did make sure the cat was in the kitchen (Don't know if you remember my thread last week about the cat and the baby?)

princessparty I think that is the way he thinks of this. Because he has such a large family he's well used to babies and he said that his mum sometimes fell asleep while looking after them too. But imo even if she did fall asleep, there are so many other, older children around that someone would always be aware of the baby.

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 16/03/2011 17:15

Princessparty - I have to disagree with you, because I don't think it is that easy to totally baby-proof a room, unless you remove every item of furniture and pad any sharp corner.

And of course parents with older children can't stare at the baby 24/7, but you do your best to minimise the risks when you do have to take your eye off them.

This dad isn't doing that - he is so fast asleep on the sofa that he can't hear the baby crying in the same room as him - when the baby is crying loudly enough to be heard by his wife who is upstairs in the shower! That is very different to taking your eye off the baby for a few minutes to deal with an older child.

And the dad has also failed to understand the point that the noise that alerts him to a problem might not happen until too late - the wail of a baby who has climbed onto the back of the sofa and fallen off, for example. Plus, as I and others have said on this thread, as children get older, it is when they are quiet that you need to worry the most!