Falling asleep in charge of a baby

[ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky]

I have been having an argument with dh over this for the last couple of weeks, basically since I realised he was doing it

Baby is 7 months, very mobile but not yet walking. DH has a habit of falling asleep on the sofa while in sole charge of ds, when ds is not asleep himself.

I feel this is completely unreasonable in any circumstances as ds could hurt himself in any number of ways when not being watched but dh thinks I am being completely unreasonable because he has looked after many more babies than I have (oldest of a large family) and "he wakes up if he hears a noise". I doubt this because dh is a heavy sleeper. Case in point, I once heard ds crying over the noise of the shower, on a different floor of the house and between 2 closed doors. DH was in the same room and fast asleep.

I am also a "complete bitch" for raising the point that I am right because ds fell to the floor aged 2 weeks old while dh fell asleep while holding him. DH maintains that as ds was fine and not even crying he doesn't even know if he did fall to the floor or if dh put him there (while he was asleep ) therefore that doesn't count as he may not have done anything wrong.

I however am wrong about raising this issue because dh only told me about this incident because 2 months ago ds fell off the sofa while in my care. I was not asleep, I was less than a foot away from him, I just wasn't fast enough. DH told me about it to console me because I was nearly hysterical. So now I'm a bitch for pointing out that if dh hadn't been asleep he would have known how ds got on the floor.

What has really annoyed me today though is that I am normally asleep when dh is in charge of ds (if I'm lucky I get a small lie in once a week because I insist that dh does the morning routine to give me a break) and I'm woken up by ds crying downstairs. DS wouldn't cry for this long if dh paid proper attention and fed him when needed etc instead of just leaving him to his own devices.

well shiny you have to do whatever keeps your DCs happy but i feel you are skirting the issue of how to deal with your DH's unreasonable behaviour (and imho, irresponsible parenting)

what will the next similar issue be - what foods a pre schooler should be taking to school? what age they are allowed to date? how far is acceptable to walk home alone in the dark from school?

my point is that these things need to be worked out since you're both responsible parents. i'm not sure "well i can't leave my child alone with his dad due to safety concerns" is a good path to be going down...

1. Send him on a first aid course so he can learn the risks/that there is no warning sounds etc. He thinks you are being hysterical because he thinks his understanding of what might happen is right (e.g. there would be a warning noise) and has no basis for thinking this.

1. Catch him in the act. Remove the baby as SDTG has suggested. A woman at our playgroup did this and took it even further. She put a large baby doll face down with a plastic bag over its head to show her husband what could have happened in the HOUR he'd been asleep (having taken NO precautions to secure anything in the house, including leaving the stairgate open, plastic bags all around, water in the large dog's bowl etc) what COULD have happened. They had one unholy argument about it but she had tried EVERYTHING else and although her husband was (probably rightly) extremely annoyed at giving her such a fright. It never happened again.

I really would try sneaking the baby out whilst he's asleep, ShinyMoon. It sounds like he needs a real shock to make him see there is a problem.

I know :( he just won't back down on this. He is just being a stubborn git now and I can't see how I'm going to end this argument any other way! I am not wrong, he is.

The problem with putting ds in his playpen is that he hates it because he wants to be exploring so he starts crying. I may as well just leave him in his cot! I physically can't sleep if ds is crying so there's no point in me asking dh to look after him so I can have an hour and a half's sleep if that is what he is going to do.

regarding warning noise: would he hear that (if there is one) if he doesn't even wake up from dc crying?

Next time I have the opportunity to do it, I am going to sneak out with ds.

I agree that there would be no warning sounds - I have found that the times when ds is most quiet when playing are the times he has managed to find something new to play with - plugs being his most recent one - and he is so engrossed in it he doesn't make a sound. I have learnt to hear the silence more than the noise in a way!

Good grief, do people really think that it's never OK to doze off when in charge of your baby?

I used to do it all the time.

having said that, the house was totally child-proofed (well as far as it could be) and I only dozed lightly.

I don't like the OP's DH's attitude to his wife though. And being able to sleep through the baby wailing, not to mention dropping a 2wo baby, is a big worry.

I have a confession. I have done this too. But I didn't do it on purpose - before I get flamed to death, I know it's unnaceptable, but I also know I don't have a good answer to it. If I realise in time, I can get up, walk around, get a coffee etc, but some times, sitting on sofa realxing with DD around (she's older now) I find I have involutarily dropped off.

I did have an operation some time ago to cure my snoring and I suspect although I was never diagnosed I had sleep apnea - but I've been much better since.

So my question is - what should the "sleeper" do to deal with it - believe me, I never do do it on purpose, given the abuse I get for it.

Before anyone asks, this doesn't affect me whilst driving - something to do with not relaxing whildt driving I think.

BTW I think a 10 minute catnap probably left me in a safer state to care for ds than trudging on with extreme sleep deprivation.

My DH has Narcolepsy and we made the decision that the DCs NEVER be in his sole care while they were little. DS was 6 before he spent time alone with him.
DH hated it but accepted it.

The problem is obviously your DH trying to explain it away as acceptable. It doesn't make him any less of a father to admit that this is an issue and yes he needs a wake up call. Definitely. Safety is paramount but then YOU know that.

The cause of his excess tiredness desperately needs addressing. It could be mild Narcolepsy (his behaviourmid sleep and wake sounds familiar) or by the sounds of the amount of hours he is workng and his upside down work schedule he could be completely exhausted and running on empty.

I know, I read a book where it said: "never accidentally fall asleep while taking care of your baby" . I hope I never do anything potentially harmful accidentally but feel that, well, something accidental is.. well.. accidental. Obviously it's hard when suffering intense sleep deprivation.. but you have to fight it and if you think you are getting sleepy, you need to get out and about. There's not two ways about it. It is quite a risk.

surely though jenai, if you feel you need a 10 minute snooze you would place the baby in it's cot or a playpen out of reach of anything? you wouldn't just doze off while the baby was crawling round the floor, would you?

I'm quite sure I did doze off when ds was crawling around tbh.

Like I said, the house was very, very childproofed. He couldn't have reached any sockets, or the radiator. I had stairgates which were always closed, and he wouldn't have been able to get into the kitchen (the cupboards all had locks on them anyway).

Also I'm talking about 40 winks, not the kind of abnormally deep sleep the OP's DH has.

Oh yes - and there was nothing that could possibly harm him any lower than 4 ft off the ground. I had a set of book sheleves which were fastened to the wall. There was nothing he could pull down on himself.

Please come back with an update after you have staged the kidnapping, ShinyMoon!

Could this tiredness be a health issue for your DH? Have you suggested that he sees his GP?

YANBU He is being totally selfish. My DH has done this a couple of times and I hate it. I have had a full week with only a couple hours sleep and ill health on top and STILL didn't fall asleep with DS, there is no need for it, the child should come first; if in doubt about feeling sleepy i put him in his cot. I think it is great idea to sneak DS out and let him panic.

ShinyMoon - your dh definitely needs to learn the lesson that quietness is NO indication that all is well! In fact, in my experience, when it goes quiet, then it's time to start worrying, because they are up to something dangerous or something really naughty - like taking every single item out of their bedroom and piling it onto the landing (happened to a friend of mine) or they are 'experimenting' to see what happens if you put screwed up paper down the side of a lit light bulb - that was ds3, and he found out that it starts to smoulder, and when he heard dh coming upstairs, he threw it into the corner, onto the end of his long curtains. Luckily dh looked in and, seeing the haze of smoke, didn't believe ds3 when he said he wasn't doing anything.

Or there was the time when ds3 tried weightlifting with a can of emulsion, dropped it, and the lid came off so it went all over his bedroom floor. He was jolly nice and quiet whilst he was doing that.

I could go on - ds3 in particular is a rich fund of this sort of story.

Good lord yes, Staying. Quiet is rarely a good sign

It got to the stage where, if one of the boys went quiet, I used to ask one of the other two to 'go and find out what your brother is doing and tell him to stop it!!'

YANBU! Defo go down the playpen route.

So what if the baby falls asleep - is he then allowed a nap? The baby could of course wake up before him..
I don't see the big issue with a 7 months old who probably is only vaguely mobile as long as there are no arsenals of knives and plastic bags within easy reach,obviously.

WidowWadman ds is a bit more than vaguely mobile - he can crawl, cruise and climb stairs (up but not down). He is contstantly trying to walk away from things he has hold of and tries to climb up anything he can reach so he can fall over and off things a lot unless you are there to catch him!

I think he feels I am questioning his ability to look after his own child which has understandably got him all defensive. The only thing I am questioning is his ability to look after a baby while asleep and why he thinks this is ok. I have complete faith and trust in his ability when he is awake. I just can't get him to see that.

OP your Dh sounds like a clasic case of narcolepsy Plase look it up and see if the symptoms ring true.

If so get him to the doctor ASAP and see if you can get it resolved in some way. if he has narcolepsy then he will need to get treated and that may solve the whole problem. The sleeping for that lenght of time and then still falling asleep to me is a huge indicator.

WidowWadman - surely a toddler would usually be in a cot for a sleep? And then it would be safe for the parent to be asleep (otherwise we'd have to have rotas for sitting up watching the sleeping baby).

What ShinyMoon is worried about is a free-range, mobile baby being left basically unsupervised and uncontained, so he could get up to all sorts before the dad noticed.

SDTG - I wouldn't class a 7 months old as a toddler, but in general, my daughter has had naps in the living room outside a cot or other confinement but just on a playblanket from the very beginning and still does. We keep knives and other potentially dangerous stuff out of her reach and used to close the stairgate (although not anymore as she gets reliably up and down on her own), and never have been always in the same room the whole time, but often enough are just in earshot, or had naps ourselves.

Probably makes us neglectful, but we simply cannot afford a helicopter license...