To have been offended - school uniform and non-inlaws

[Namechangearamanama]

Name change - I can't be bothered to be vague so as not to be identified

So, I have an almost 5 year old, I split from her dad when she was 10 months old. He has her every other weekend and on a Weds night.

His parents play quite an active role in our DDs life and often have her on one of the nights of his weekend - I would prefer she spent more time with her dad seeing as she doesnt see him a lot but ho hum, that's another thread.

She goes to a school where there isn't a uniform. I really like the ethos behind this and think it is generally a good thing. I have expressed this to my ex. He told me once she had been going there for about 2 months that he and his parents didnt really like this as it makes the children look scruffy. I told him he was entitled to his opinion but to please not tell DD that they felt this way as now she's there ther's really nothing we can do and she really enjoys school.

My point was that I visited all of the schools in the area and read all the ofsted reports front to back to decide which school to send her too. Then filled in the applications myself. I sent all the reports to my ex and invited him to all the visits but he didnt get involved in the decision telling me he didnt have time (We both work full time) and that he would trust my judgement. This was fine, I was happy to make the call.

Anyway, cut a long story short, I have just been presented with a bag of 4 sets of brand new school uniform and have collected DD from school today to find her (the only kid at the school) wearing full on school uniform.

She spent most of the weekend with his parents and has now spent the last few hours with me telling me how her school isn't a proper school because there's no uniform and that she now wants to wear the clothes her nana has provided for her every day so she can be smart.

I've spoken to her dad and asked if the coments about her school not being proper came from him or his parents rather than fly off the handle without all the info. He jumped straight down my neck saying how ungrateful I am when they are merely trying to help me out. They are very wealthy and to date havent bought one single thing for our DD to have at my house, not that I expect them to. So I am struggling to find this random act of support 4 years down the line as anything other than an insult.

I'm by no means wealthy but have a very comfortable standard of living (which is of my own making - in the time since we split and I have had DD with me, there have been lots of occassions where I have made it known that I was struggling and neither him nor his parents ever helped out) and dress my DD well - all be it rather casually as I beleive children shouldn't be trussed up. Had they really wanted to help they could have bought something like new wellies or a spring coat which my ex pointed out to me a couple of weeks back that I would need to buy for DD soon (thanks, I hadn't realised).

Now, AIBU to be offended??? Ready for the backlash

diamondback he does pay his 15% minus the pro rata days she is with him (although with the amount of that time that she stays with her grandparents I'm not sure that's really fair)

He doesnt contribute to anything else, not that I expect him to as that's what the maintenance is for. I don't want to take anything over and above what he legally is obliged to provide. My point is that if it is true that this gesture was meant to be offering help to me, there are other things they could buy for DD at my house, such as the coat/ wellies etc that she needs

I wouldn't get into it with them. They sound a bit mad and there will no doubt be further mad things they do in the future.

I would tell DD that in different places people dress in different ways and that schools decide what they want the children to wear. Her school has decided that the children do not have a uniform, and she should follow what the head teacher has decided and go into school in the same type of clothes that the other children wear.

If your ex phones you when he finds out DD is not wearing the uniform, explain to him that it isn't up to you or him to change school guidelines, and that a parent you feel that it is your obligation to support the ethos of the school. Make it about the school, not about a debate between you and him, because once you go down that road of embroiling yourself in his parents issues, they will continue attempting to embroil you for years to come.