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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have been offended - school uniform and non-inlaws

102 replies

Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 17:20

Name change - I can't be bothered to be vague so as not to be identified Grin

So, I have an almost 5 year old, I split from her dad when she was 10 months old. He has her every other weekend and on a Weds night.

His parents play quite an active role in our DDs life and often have her on one of the nights of his weekend - I would prefer she spent more time with her dad seeing as she doesnt see him a lot but ho hum, that's another thread.

She goes to a school where there isn't a uniform. I really like the ethos behind this and think it is generally a good thing. I have expressed this to my ex. He told me once she had been going there for about 2 months that he and his parents didnt really like this as it makes the children look scruffy. I told him he was entitled to his opinion but to please not tell DD that they felt this way as now she's there ther's really nothing we can do and she really enjoys school.

My point was that I visited all of the schools in the area and read all the ofsted reports front to back to decide which school to send her too. Then filled in the applications myself. I sent all the reports to my ex and invited him to all the visits but he didnt get involved in the decision telling me he didnt have time (We both work full time) and that he would trust my judgement. This was fine, I was happy to make the call.

Anyway, cut a long story short, I have just been presented with a bag of 4 sets of brand new school uniform and have collected DD from school today to find her (the only kid at the school) wearing full on school uniform.

She spent most of the weekend with his parents and has now spent the last few hours with me telling me how her school isn't a proper school because there's no uniform and that she now wants to wear the clothes her nana has provided for her every day so she can be smart.

I've spoken to her dad and asked if the coments about her school not being proper came from him or his parents rather than fly off the handle without all the info. He jumped straight down my neck saying how ungrateful I am when they are merely trying to help me out. They are very wealthy and to date havent bought one single thing for our DD to have at my house, not that I expect them to. So I am struggling to find this random act of support 4 years down the line as anything other than an insult.

I'm by no means wealthy but have a very comfortable standard of living (which is of my own making - in the time since we split and I have had DD with me, there have been lots of occassions where I have made it known that I was struggling and neither him nor his parents ever helped out) and dress my DD well - all be it rather casually as I beleive children shouldn't be trussed up. Had they really wanted to help they could have bought something like new wellies or a spring coat which my ex pointed out to me a couple of weeks back that I would need to buy for DD soon (thanks, I hadn't realised).

Now, AIBU to be offended??? Ready for the backlash Grin

OP posts:
LessNarkyPuffin · 14/03/2011 18:17

If you have the receipt I'd take the stuff back and use it to get her the spring coat she needs. You can call it her 'school coat'.

FourFortyFour · 14/03/2011 18:17

I feel sorry for your child being the only one in a uniform. The teachers may form an opinion and you and the older kids may tease her.

diddl · 14/03/2011 18:18

"I think polo shirts and fleeces are common, but in a school that actively has none, where the children will be in all different colours, sending a child in a grey skirt with white tops is pretty formal."

I agree.

What I was trying to say, but not well, is that they would probably find most primary uniforms "scruffy" by their standards anyway, so would never be happy unless GD was dressed in a blazer & straw hat!

Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen · 14/03/2011 18:22

sorry that should say- on their part not yours

pawsnclaws · 14/03/2011 18:23

I was going to suggest similar to Shodan, I wouldn't rise to the bait by sending it back I would just adapt it, mix the items up a bit so she wears the shoes with a dress of her own, the cardi with her own trousers etc. Then if they say anything, you can explain why there isn't a uniform for the reasons you've given us.

Bacchus my mum did the same to me on my first day at the local comp. Bunches and long lacy white socks, the works. This was 1981 and all the other girls were in barely there miniskirts, see-through blouses with black bras underneath, and high heels. To say I instantly got the piss ripped out of me is to put it mildly.

StayFrosty · 14/03/2011 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 14/03/2011 18:28

Yes, mixing it with what she already wears sounds a good idea tbh.

LessNarkyPuffin · 14/03/2011 18:30

Or you could pimp the stuff as Shodan suggested. This site looks good.

prettybird · 14/03/2011 18:32

You could really stir things by asking her teacher to have a word with her about why the school has a no-uniform policy - or even jsut simple to have a chat with her about why it is importnat to dress comfortably at school.

That should help reduce the pressure from your dd to wear the "uniform Hmm" and give your dd some phrases to use to her grnadparents that aren't directly from you Wink

LittleMissHissyFit · 14/03/2011 18:36

Ebay is your friend OP. Give it to the summer and stick it on Ebay for all the new reception intakes.

Your ExIL are loons. :)

bemybebe · 14/03/2011 18:43

YANBU, but... why don't you keep what you like (I remember you said some pieces are of nice quality) and give the rest back to inlaws (maybe say your dc will rather have wellies or raincoat, etc)? I would not confront openly with them for the sake of the child as they can make the life miserable and confusing if they keep slanging you off when she stays with them. i can only add - what a bunch of tossers!

Whitewithnosugarplease · 14/03/2011 18:47

Please nip this in the bud for the sake of your DD and yourself. If you don't I promise you it will only get worse. They will start manipulating you in all sorts of ways and use your DD to do it. Good luck x

Acanthus · 14/03/2011 18:48

They are really out of order here. They should not be undermining your daughter's view of her school. It's not about the uniform, I am another one who prefers a uniform so that doesn't sway me here, it's about disrespecting her school and tour choice of school. I'd be pissed off.

Eglu · 14/03/2011 18:48

YANBU. It is not fair on your DD for the outlaws to do this to her.

ddubsgirl · 14/03/2011 18:50

i would tell them she wore it but got picked on and the school have asked you not to send her to school in it,the have a non uniform for a reason!

GregorSamsa · 14/03/2011 18:52

Just keep the clothes and use them in non-uniform combinations (you can't really go wrong with a blue cardigan, and grey tights aren't too bad with other-coloured clothes), tie-dye the polo shirts, and let the nasty Teflon skirt have an accident in the washing machine.

In a few years she'll be old enough to insist on her own choice of clothes anyway, so she'll refuse to go along with it.

But yes, deeply annoying and deeply wrong of them. But probably more gratifying for you not to react to it, as they've done it to make a point. By not reacting you're depriving them of the satisfaction of seeing you riled.

herbietea · 14/03/2011 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 19:28

Well, quite.

Who DO they think they are!

OP posts:
megapixels · 14/03/2011 19:47

YANBU and you're a better woman than me, I'd be furious and bin the lot at once Blush. What is awful is that they don't mind using their grandchild to prove a point to you.

Vallhala · 14/03/2011 19:53

If my ex ILs had done that to my DDs they'd be extracting the uniform from their arses by now! How controlling, persumptuos and nasty of them.

If I'm not mistaken as the parent with care decisions regarding matters surrounding the day-to-day care of your child are legally YOUR choice and responsibility... and that includes what she wears. Perhaps suggest to your ex that when he puts in an equal share of the work he will be entitled to an equal say and until then he and his parents can piss off.

I'd be absolutely fuming if I were you and the ex PIL would honestly be regretting trying to undermine my decisions over my child. I'd also warn them if they pulled that or any similar stunt again they could wave goodbye to seeing MY child.

RunAwayWife · 14/03/2011 20:03

Personally I like uniform, but if your DD is the only one wearing it she will be ridiculed by the other children

xstitch · 14/03/2011 20:04

Offended? I'd be flipping furious. Grandparents who play mind games drive me mad :(.

WereOffToSeeTheWizard · 14/03/2011 20:04

So what did you say when your ex rang?

Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 20:10

I told him that I wasn't stupid and that he may be choosing to not see throgh their manipulation but he has underestimated me if he thinks I will be controlled so easily. I also told him to never discuss this with DD... I hope he pays attention to that bit.

I wouldn't have been so brave if I hadn't had a unanimous YANBU on here to be honest, I would have been far wussier Grin

OP posts:
ButWhyNot · 14/03/2011 20:15

Wow, YANBU. I'd make an appointment with the headteacher. Explain the whole situation, being sure to stress the part where your DD was parroting her grandparents on how it wasn't a proper school. Tell the head you fear she will be repeating this in class to other students, etc, etc.

Then ask head to write a short note stating the reasons the school in non-uniform, and how showing up in a uniform is undermining her adjustment and happiness at this non-uniform school. Let head add in a bit about not slagging off a school they have never even visited if s/he wishes to do so.

Have school secretary post the note to the non-laws.

Done.

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