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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have been offended - school uniform and non-inlaws

102 replies

Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 17:20

Name change - I can't be bothered to be vague so as not to be identified Grin

So, I have an almost 5 year old, I split from her dad when she was 10 months old. He has her every other weekend and on a Weds night.

His parents play quite an active role in our DDs life and often have her on one of the nights of his weekend - I would prefer she spent more time with her dad seeing as she doesnt see him a lot but ho hum, that's another thread.

She goes to a school where there isn't a uniform. I really like the ethos behind this and think it is generally a good thing. I have expressed this to my ex. He told me once she had been going there for about 2 months that he and his parents didnt really like this as it makes the children look scruffy. I told him he was entitled to his opinion but to please not tell DD that they felt this way as now she's there ther's really nothing we can do and she really enjoys school.

My point was that I visited all of the schools in the area and read all the ofsted reports front to back to decide which school to send her too. Then filled in the applications myself. I sent all the reports to my ex and invited him to all the visits but he didnt get involved in the decision telling me he didnt have time (We both work full time) and that he would trust my judgement. This was fine, I was happy to make the call.

Anyway, cut a long story short, I have just been presented with a bag of 4 sets of brand new school uniform and have collected DD from school today to find her (the only kid at the school) wearing full on school uniform.

She spent most of the weekend with his parents and has now spent the last few hours with me telling me how her school isn't a proper school because there's no uniform and that she now wants to wear the clothes her nana has provided for her every day so she can be smart.

I've spoken to her dad and asked if the coments about her school not being proper came from him or his parents rather than fly off the handle without all the info. He jumped straight down my neck saying how ungrateful I am when they are merely trying to help me out. They are very wealthy and to date havent bought one single thing for our DD to have at my house, not that I expect them to. So I am struggling to find this random act of support 4 years down the line as anything other than an insult.

I'm by no means wealthy but have a very comfortable standard of living (which is of my own making - in the time since we split and I have had DD with me, there have been lots of occassions where I have made it known that I was struggling and neither him nor his parents ever helped out) and dress my DD well - all be it rather casually as I beleive children shouldn't be trussed up. Had they really wanted to help they could have bought something like new wellies or a spring coat which my ex pointed out to me a couple of weeks back that I would need to buy for DD soon (thanks, I hadn't realised).

Now, AIBU to be offended??? Ready for the backlash Grin

OP posts:
Slambang · 14/03/2011 20:18

Playing devil's advocate here - dd's dad does have the right to dress his daughter in clothes he buys for her. Just as you have the same right too.

So - how would you feel that dd goes to school on her dad's days in whatever he chooses and she goes to school on your days in what you choose.

I've worked at a non-uniform school where one or two children have been sent in 'uniform'. Most of the other children are curious but not unkind and the uniform never seemed to last longer than a month or so!

I don't think you ABU by the way, I suppose I'm just trying to find a way of not letting your manipulative ex 'win' a row. He is obviously trying to provoke conflict.

FabbyChic · 14/03/2011 20:21

School uniform looks better on any age of children and cannot understand why all schools do not insist on it, otherwise you get those wearing the expensive clothes and those wearing the cheaper branded stuff and it is obvious from what the children wear the parents income.

That aside however, his parents were wrong to buy your child school uniform for a school that does not subscribe to the uniform.

I'd either ask for receipts or send the stuff back saying no school uniform required, but happy to accept clothing that she can wear to school if you wish to provide it.

ongakgak · 14/03/2011 20:23

I doubt the school would do that butwhynot

I think you should be careful not to enter into playing games with them.

I would also want to talk to the in-laws, be polite, but firm. They need to see you wont take their shit and you are on to them.

YANBU

SugarPasteFrog · 14/03/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButWhyNot · 14/03/2011 20:31

Our school is non-uniform, and very much would do it!

OP seems to think it is up to her to explain the school's policy and defend it, but of course she didn't send her DD there simply because it is non-uniform. I'm sure she sent DD there because she thinks it's a good school. The school is perfectly capable of explaining its own policy.

Does DD's dad disagree that its a good school? Would he like DD to change schools simply b/c it does not have a uniform? Because telling his DD that the school is no good (or colluding with his parents when they do so) is seriously bad form.

If they're going to kick off about what she's wearing to school, wait until they don't like the phonics programme, or the way they teach maths, or how there's no discipline...

Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 20:37

I see your point slambang I do wish I could choose what she wears to school whn she comes from his house and I know that is wrong.

I didn't tell him that though as I know it's unreasonablle. I told him he could dress her in anyway he chooses but that I was unhappy with the talk that has obviously gone on which undermines my right to dress her how i want as well. I pointed out all the things about why I dont think it's right for her to wear the uniform when the others don't, but I was sure to say he was within his rights to disagree and dres her how he wants from his house. He only dresses her for school on a Thursday so I think that's why the manipulation from his parents had to extend to me.

OP posts:
Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 20:45

That's the mad thing - butwhynot It's a lovely little school. The only thing he or they have had to comment on, good or bad, is the uniform. There has been no "well done on choosing such a good school for our grandaughter" or "her reading's coming on really well, the teaching must be great"

He doesnt read any of the school letters, or go to any of the meetings, or write in her reading book, he doesnt log in to the online diary her childminder writes each day. He went to an evening event last week which I was really pleased about, in that he was taking an interest, but he has all but asked me for a trophy ever since so it kind of lost the sparkle for me. It seems they are only interested in the way the children look which could actually explain a lot about his preoccupation with appearence of adults.

OP posts:
ButWhyNot · 14/03/2011 20:54

I'm sure it is a lovely school. I with our school had a uniform, but it doesn't, and I love it anyway.

If the grandparents or her DD have a problem with the uniform policy, they should bring it up with the school, and not with you (who can do nothing about it) or with your DD, or via her with this passive-aggressive BS.

Well, I feel for you. Best of luck. And do let your school know if they can help you, I'm sure they'll try.

Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 21:15

Thanks, I'll have a think about how I could get them onside.

OP posts:
megapixels · 14/03/2011 21:37

I don't like ButWhyNot's idea of dragging the head into this. It is not upto the school to arbitrate disputes between parents and ILs!

majordanjarvis · 14/03/2011 21:46

It's your and the father's opinion that matters - no-one else's...including mine, which is that uniform is a good idea.

Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 22:00

OK so, I'm going to send an email (can't bear hearing his condescending bully boy voice again today) to ex and Cc MIL. I'll copy the school diversity and uniform policy in and say also that although I chose the school based on Ofsted and my subsequent visit to it and the other local schools, I agree with the policy.

I will add that when DD is under her dad's care, he can dress her as he wishes but that I am returning the uniform that was purchased as I won't be sending her in it.

I will also ask that they do me the courtesy of not expressing views to DD that undermine those of the school because I want her to continue to respect the school and it's views.

She's so good at understanding there are different rules at mummy's house and at daddy's that I'm sure she'll understand when I say that daddy likes her to wear uniform and mummy doesnt. I can explain, as someone posted right at the top, that clothes don't maketh the man. That's a view that sets her dad and I apart so I supoose we'll be singing from different hymn sheets all through her life.

She'll make her own mind up I'm sure.

(Root for me please!)

OP posts:
InPraiseOfBacchus · 14/03/2011 22:33

Good luck, Namechange! You're doing right by your DD, and I know she'd be proud of you!

ButWhyNot · 14/03/2011 22:56

Best of luck! Hope they see sense.

blackeyedsusan · 14/03/2011 23:26

personally i would keep the shoes and the cardis you liked. leaave the skirt aand tights to fester in the bck of the wardrobe, or possibly at the bottom of the wash basket as you don't have enough of that colour to make a load and climate change and all that...

whatever you choose, good luck.

write down what dd said, in a notebook and pop that in the back of your wardrobe and hope that you never have to add more to it. these things may come in useful. good luck on keeping the moral high ground.

maighdlin · 14/03/2011 23:37

YANBU i am very much against uniforms for primary school children and even if i wasn't i would say YANBU. Its was YOUR choice of school. Tell your non-mil to kindly fuck off.

diddl · 15/03/2011 07:29

I think it´s more that ILs have chosen the uniform, so ex isn´t choosing what to dress his daughter in-his parents are!

OP-does he live with them?

Buda · 15/03/2011 07:40

OMG! Unbelieveable.

I would add to the email that as NO OTHER CHILD wears uniform, you are not sure what message they are trying to send to DD.

strawberrycake · 15/03/2011 07:59

Personally I'd say little little but dress her in non-uniform combinations. Polo with jeans and bright cardi etc. Over the years I've learnt refusing to discuss idiotic behaviour/ discuss anything with idiots saves me time, effort and stress. If they mentioned it I'd say something blankly like 'Thank you for the stuff, could you look for more of the same in pink next time, it's her favourite'.

Never argue with an idiot, they'll drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Bloodymary · 15/03/2011 08:09

Well put strawberycake.
OP YANBU, they are undermining you and brainwashing your poor DD.
They were also very devious clever in sending her to school in it on a school morning.
Good luck in dealing with them.

Buda · 15/03/2011 08:50

ACtually thinking about it I think I would call your Ex and say you have been thinking about it and are now worried about his parents. In fact his mother because I would lay money on the father not being involved!

I would play it all innocent and concerned "Are you sure your mum is ok? It just seems so odd that she would buy school uniform for a non-uniform school? Does she really want DD to feel the odd one out and get laughed at and picked on? She does know it is a non-uniform school doesn't she? Why would she do that? I just wondered if maybe she was starting to get a bit confused."

fedupofnamechanging · 15/03/2011 09:00

Not read whole thread, but if this was me, I would keep a spare set of clothes at the school for DD for her to change into if he sends her in uniform.

I would explain to the school that he is deliberately undermining the school policy and making your DD stand out from her peers and increasing the likelihood that she will be teased. Therefore, you want her to get changed into normal clothes.

I think it's a good idea to email the IL's and tell them to fuck off not undermine you or your choice of school.

Diamondback · 15/03/2011 09:01

Erm, entirely different side-issue, but why isn't her father contributing maintenance to pay for things like spring coats (maybe he is, but it didn't seem so from the OP)?

Namechangearamanama · 15/03/2011 09:04

Never argue with an idiot, they'll drag you down to their level then beat you with experience ha ha I love this.

diddl they dont live with him no. But happily they have just this month moved about 15 minutes away from him and about 20 minutes from me. They used to live about an hour away.

They have always had DD at there's quite a lot as they do genuinely like to spend time with her and she enjoys seeing them. My ex also says it is to help him out, not quite sure why he needs help but I guess that's up to him.

OP posts:
Namechangearamanama · 15/03/2011 09:04

theirs Blush

OP posts:
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